I'll Be Watching You

  all I know. What happened at your place ?"

  "Rick said he wanted to apologize for being so surly before the show," Taylor murmured, tears slipping down her cheeks. "What he really wanted was for me to offer him a shred of hope. I tried." She raised her head. "Has Marilyn told the kids yet?"

  "I'm not sure. I haven't spoken to her since she left the police station. She was on her way down to the morgue. She had to identify the remains. Jesus, what do I say to her?"

  "There aren't any right words. Believe me, I know. All you can do is be there for her and the kids in whatever ways they need." Taylor felt like she was standing outside herself, talking to Jack as a third person; an objective psychologist.

  "I'll call Marilyn," she heard herself say. "I've lost someone I love through a violent death. I can listen.

  I can help her talk to the police. If nothing else, I can give her the name of an excellent grief counselor who deals with kids. Those poor children are going to need it."

  She rose, heading toward the door. It was happening again. Another death. Another senseless, premature loss. Another funeral.

  Another situation where Taylor felt responsible.

  Maybe if she'd said the right words, insisted that Rick stay the night on her sofa, forced him to think about everything he had to live for ... maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe he'd be alive.

  "Taylor?" Jack's voice stopped her. "Take the night off. I'll run one of your pretaped shows during

  your time slot."

  She paused in the doorway, turned to face Jack. "What about Kevin? He must be a mess."

  "He is. I sent him home. Sally's a great intern. She can easily handle a taped program. And Dennis can

  do the audio." Jack cleared his throat. "I've got the bases covered. Don't worry. Just go."

  Taylor nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I'll check in with you later."

  She left the building and just stood outside, oblivious to the people, to the traffic, to the cold. The chill

  she felt was from within, and not even frigid temperatures could compare with that. Without thinking,

  she pulled out her cell phone and dialed directory assistance. When the operator answered, she said,

  "I need the number of Harter, Randolph and Collins."

  * * *

  Reed was reading a brief when his secretary buzzed him.

  He punched the intercom button. "Yes, Cathy?"

  "Sorry to bother you, Mr. Weston. But Taylor Halstead is on the phone. She's pretty insistent about speaking with you. She says it's important. And she sounds upset."

  The brief was forgotten. "Put her through."

  * * *

  Fifteen minutes later, Cathy showed Taylor into Reed's office. He took one look at her sheet white face and trembling hands, and said to his secretary, "Cathy, that'll be all. And no interruptions. None."

  "Yes, Mr. Weston."

  Once the door was shut and they were alone, Reed walked over, clasped Taylor's shoulders. "What is

  it? You sounded horrible on the phone. You look even worse. Are you hurt? Did something happen at Dellinger?"

  "What?" It took a moment for the basis of Reed's concern to register. Then Taylor shook her head.

  "No. Nothing like that. It's not me." She could feel herself shaking, but couldn't seem to make it stop. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to barge into your office. It was rude and unprofessional."

  "You didn't barge in. I told you to come."

  "I didn't think. I just called, heard your voice, and flew over. I can't go through it alone again. I don't

  have the emotional strength."

  "Taylor, you're scaring the hell out of me. What happened? What is it you can't go through?"

  She raised her face and stared at him through pained eyes. "Losing someone I care about."

  Reed went very still. "Who did you lose?"

  "Rick Shore. My audio engineer. We've worked together at WVNY since I started. He's like a big brother, always looking out for me, worrying when I'm stressed. When Steph died, he stuck by me like

  a mother hen, making sure I was holding up, taking over some of my program responsibilities. And

  then the other day, when I told him about that crank call I got and about the person watching me at the cemetery, he was up in arms. He was going through his own personal hell, but he still had enough caring left over for me. That was Rick. Always there for a friend. And now he's dead." Taylor's eyes were dry, but her voice was hollow.

  "Was he ill?"

  "No. He was killed in a horrible accident. It was early this morning. He was alive one minute and dead

  the next. Just like Steph. And, just like Steph, his death was violent, gruesome. He was on his way

  home. He took the subway. He changed cars. He fell under the train. He was mangled to death."

  "My God." Reed grimaced, instinctively drawing Taylor against him, trying to shield her, knowing full well he couldn't. "I heard something on the news about an unidentified man being killed in the subway.

  It never occurred to me that it was someone from WVNY. I'm terribly sorry," he murmured, stroking

  her hair.

  She nodded against his shirt.

  "Come here and sit down." He drew her over to the settee under the panorama of windows. "Do you want a drink?"

  "Just some water."

  Reed poured her a glass and brought it over, sitting down beside her. "Were there witnesses?"

  "Not from what I understand. The train was probably empty. It was three-something in the morning." Quietly, Taylor filled Reed in on the details, including Rick's late-night visit to her apartment and the reason for it.

  Steepling his fingers together, Reed processed all Taylor had said. Then he asked the obvious. "Given Rick's state of mind, is there any chance this was suicide?"

  Taylor had thought of that possibility. It was part of the reason she felt so guilty. Still, hearing the

  words spoken aloud made her wince.

  "I'm not trying to upset you," Reed said quickly. "I'm just offering a viable theory. I'm doing so for

  two reasons. One, because the police will be asking you questions about his state of mind, and two, because—if for any reason there's merit to it—I don't want you heaping additional blame on yourself. You're already doing one hell of a job on that score." He hesitated, then went full speed ahead, blurting out a truth he wasn't sure she was ready to hear. "Look, Taylor, you're not in charge of the world.

  You're human. You can only do so much. You can advise people, even get in their faces to convince them to make the right choices. But you can't live their lives. That's their job. Everyone is ultimately responsible for himself or herself. That applied to Rick." Another heartbeat of a pause. "It also applied

  to Steph."

  Without replying, Taylor took a sip of water.

  "You're angry," Reed concluded flatly. "I overstepped my bounds."

  Taylor inclined her head in his direction, a strained, bittersweet smile touching her lips. "I'm not angry.

  I appreciate your assessment. Not only is it true, it's exactly what I needed to hear. I just didn't realize

  it until you said it." She set down her glass. "As for your question about Rick, I've already considered

  the possibility of suicide. Were the signs there? Yes, I suppose they were. Depression. Hopelessness. Exhaustion. The need to escape. Even loneliness and abandonment. But there's one thing that negates

  it all, and makes me absolutely sure Rick's death was an accident."

  "His kids."

  "Exactly. Reed, you have no idea how much he loved them. True, he was terrified of losing custody.

  But deep down, he knew that wouldn't happen. It rarely does these days. I just don't buy it."

  Reed nodded. "I see your point."

  "The fact is, he was drunk. His faculties were impaired. He was also despondent. When Rick was

  down, he had a tendency to pace around like a caged lion. My guess is he
couldn't sit still. He must

  have walked— or weaved—from car to car, trying to get himself together."

  "He'd certainly have no problems making his way from one end of the train to the other," Reed added. "Not at three a.m. on a weeknight. He'd be virtually alone. At most, there'd be a couple of other passengers. So if Rick started teetering around on one of the platforms between subway cars, or if he leaned over the gate and lost his balance, no one would be there to stop him, or even to see him."

  Taylor shuddered. "I can't let myself visualize it. I just can't."

  "Then don't." Reed smoothed her hair off her face. "What now?"

  "I have to call Marilyn. I want to check on her and the kids, and see if there's anything I can do."

  Another nod. "You're not doing your radio show tonight, are you?"

  "No. Jack's substituting one of my pretaped shows and having a production intern sit in for Kevin." Taylor massaged her temples. "Thank goodness for that. I couldn't have pulled off the show, not

  tonight. I doubt Kevin could have either. Jack's a good man. He sent us both home."

  "Home. Is that really where you want to go?"

  Taylor understood Reed's question. "The truth? No. It's been hard enough living in that place since

  Steph died. It's filled with memories of her, and of what happened with Gordon that night..." Her voice trailed off. "Anyway, suffice it to say, I can't wait to move. I'm counting the days till I'm out of there. Plus, tonight—to be honest, I don't really want to be alone with my thoughts."

  "Fair enough." Reed stood. "Then here's how the evening will play out. It's already almost five. I'll

  finish up my work. You call Marilyn. Counsel her for as long as you need to. When you're ready,

  we'll head out. We'll stop by your apartment, pack up an overnight bag, then go to my place. We'll

  order in Chinese and watch a DVD. We can talk, or not talk. Whatever you want." He studied the

  glazed expression on Taylor's face, and clarified his intentions—just in case she felt awkward. "My

  guest room's made up. It has to be. With a big family like mine, there's always someone dropping in without warning. I've got to be on my toes."

  Taylor understood. "I doubt I'll be able to sleep. But thank you. Your plan sounds wonderful. Another gallant Reed Weston rescue."

  He took her hand and drew her to her feet, bringing her palm to his lips. "Everything will be all right, Taylor. You'll make sure of it. And so will I."

  She released her breath on a weary sigh. "I hate relying on anyone."

  "No kidding. You've only mentioned that a dozen times. Just like you've mentioned that you hate being easily read. Well, tough. Get used to both. Now that I think about it, there's a long list of things you'd better get used to. Tell you what. I'll draw up a list and give it to you for easy reference. But don't

  bother critiquing it. It's nonnegotiable."

  For the first time in hours, Taylor's laugh came spontaneously. "Thanks for the warning."

  11:45 P.M.

  EAST SIXTY-EIGHTH STREET

  Taylor lay quietly in the guest-room bed in Reed's apartment, staring at the ceiling and listening to the scream of a passing fire engine.

  She was emotionally wiped out, after a wrenching, forty-five-minute conversation with Marilyn, during which they'd talked mostly about the kids and how Marilyn was going to break the news to them. The poor woman was still in shock herself, and fighting valiantly to be strong for what lay ahead. Her sister was there, staying with her, and her parents were flying in from Arizona tomorrow. Still, she'd gratefully taken the name and number of the grief counselor Taylor recommended. She'd also clung to Taylor's insistence that she not let guilt intrude on her emotional crisis. Rick's death was an accident. Period. No matter what direction the police's questions took, she was not responsible. Life dealt cruel blows. This was one of them. An impending divorce didn't negate years of caring. Marilyn had to remember that.

  And Taylor insisted that Marilyn pick up the phone and call Taylor to be reminded anytime she felt herself slipping.

  Marilyn had thanked her profusely, then hung up to deal with a hell that no amount of counseling could erase.

  Taylor had made one more call, to Kevin. She wanted to see how he was holding up and to let him

  know that if he needed to reach her tonight, he should do so on her cell phone, since she wouldn't

  be home.

  He sounded numb. His girlfriend was there, making him something to eat and offering him whatever support she could. He was relieved to hear that Taylor wasn't alone either. Neither of them mentioned Rick. They weren't ready, not tonight. There'd be plenty of time for reality tomorrow.

  Right after hanging up with Kevin, Taylor came to the decision that even though Jack would be issuing

  an official WVNY statement, she wanted to give a personal acknowledgment of Rick on her show tomorrow night. How she'd do so without breaking down, she wasn't sure. But she'd find a way. Rick had been a close member of their production family. He deserved a tribute. And she intended to give

  him one.

  She drafted a few words while Reed was finishing up his work. She stopped when she couldn't take

  any more. It was too soon, and she was too drained. She'd either write it tomorrow or wing it and speak from the heart. Maybe she'd run the two options by Dr. Phillips at tomorrow's session. The psychiatrist always had valuable insights, especially when Taylor's own perspective was clouded by emotion. Besides, she needed this session. She needed to vent, to talk about what she was going through.

  She'd been more than ready to head out when Reed shut down his computer and called it a day.

  The rest of the evening had been just what she needed.

  Reed had been incredible. He'd driven her to her apartment, waited while she packed an overnight case, then driven her here. His Upper East Side apartment was lovely and spacious, oozing warm, masculine comfort. They'd settled themselves on the cozy living-room sofa and followed Reed's plan to a tee: ordering up Chinese food, watching a DVD—a mindless comedy, which was all Taylor could handle—and talking.

  They hadn't talked about Rick. They'd talked about themselves.

  Reed had told her about his family get-togethers, the antics of his nieces and nephews, and the pandemonium that ensued when the entire Weston clan exploded into his parents' New England farmhouse. Thank heavens it was made of stone, he'd declared. Otherwise, it would have blown

  apart a long time ago.

  In return, Taylor had divulged more of herself, sharing more of her life and her thoughts than she ever had in the past.

  She'd spoken about her own family, which was clearly the utter antithesis of his. She'd described her stuffy, isolated, Central Park West upbringing, and the unique bond that had subsequently formed between her and Steph. She talked about boarding school, about how responsible she'd felt for Steph,

  and about how, beneath her cousin's spellbinding beauty and magnetic effervescence, there lay an insecure little girl, who often made the wrong decisions for the right reasons.

  "And you were there for her; her constant," Reed noted. "Also, her adviser, her conscience, and her strength."

  "Don't make me sound so noble. I had my own issues to deal with. I still do. Believe me, I know. I'm

  a psychologist. I'm well aware of how and why I wound up with my particular emotional baggage.

  That doesn't mean I can make it go away."

  "Emotional baggage. You mean like always needing to be in control, like lack of trust, and like going

  it alone."

  "Yup. That's the list."

  "What about men?"

  "What about them?"

  "Where did they factor into your life up until now? Your cousin was obviously a social butterfly. What about you? Issues or not, you're a beautiful, intelligent, passionate woman. There must have been men."

  "Not men. Just moments." Taylor had shrugged, answering this question
as frankly as she'd answered

  the others. "I didn't do relationships. Those involve relinquishing control and independence. They also require trust."

  "Ah. All your no-nos wrapped in one."

  "Right. On the other hand, I wasn't into random hookups. I tried pushing myself in that direction when

  I got to college. It just didn't work for me—too empty, too demeaning. So I opted for moments."

  Reed had eyed her thoughtfully. "Do you mind if I ask what a moment is?"

  "It's a for-now. Not a random hookup, and not a relationship. Sometimes it's nothing more than a flirtation; sometimes it's a little more involved. It's a balancing act. But it's honest. And it eases

  loneliness without sacrificing pride or self-sufficiency."

  "And sex? Where does that fit into a moment?" Reed's lips had twitched. "Because, in my experience,

  sex takes a lot longer than a moment, even when it's only mediocre."