Lovely

  Chapter Eight

  Alice roused herself from sleep sometime slightly before midnight. She tip-toed into the spare room down the hall, quietly closing the door behind her. She opened the window and popped the screen out expertly, leaning it against the wall.

  Thanking God that she wasn't born with a fear of heights, Alice went out the window, standing on the ledge for a moment before clambering gracefully onto the roof.

  There was complete silence for several long minutes as the teenager stared at the stars, so perfectly beautiful from where they burned millions of miles away. Alice smiled to herself. The stars had always reminded her of her dream.

  She wanted to be everything. She wanted to write, to read, to dance, to act, to sing, to paint. Everything.

  She dreamed of awing crowds. Of having hundreds of people who adored her. She dreamed of fame, and also of being a quiet little nobody. Just another person, living out her life contently on her own.

  Maybe get married, maybe have kids. She'd have a cat. Alice had always wanted a cat, but her parent’s hated animals.

  Maybe she’d have a band. Bands were fun, even if Alice could not compose her way out of a wet paperback to save her life.

  Maybe she’d be a writer. Maybe she’d be able to slip into reclusion for years at a time and just write. Then she'd give book readings and interviews for another year before becoming a recluse again. That’d be an interesting life.

  Maybe she’d be an actress. A famous actress and she’d make movies. She’d go to premieres and spend her days memorizing scripts and acting them out.

  Or maybe she’d be on Broadway. Singing, and dancing, and acting her heart out. There were so many opportunities with that, so many different things she could do there.

  Perhaps she’d be a dancer. Oh, she’d love that. To maybe have the chance one day to join a famous company. Kirov, Bolshoi, American Ballet Theater, the New York City Ballet, the Dutch National Ballet. Getting the lead in Giselle one day. Dancing as Odette/Odile in Swan Lake. Even being in the back of the corps of some small little company no one had ever heard of would be wonderful.

  There were her dreams like that, and then her dream that were more like fantasies. The ones that kept her entertained in the middle of a boring Geometry class that she didn’t have with any friends. The ones that don't make any sense and will never happen but are fun to think of anyway. Those dreams inspired by movies and science fiction novels and fairy tales. Dreams full of changelings, and spies, and wars. Secret societies and anarchy.

  Alice loved dreaming. There was never any limit to her dreams. One could dream, and dream, and dream, and dream, and just keep adding on to their dreams for all eternity.

  Sometimes, most of the time, dreams were all she had.

  Sometimes they were the only things Alice had to hang onto in her sad little world. And when people made fun of her dreams, she could ignore them. She would simply respond:

  "Go to Hell. I can dream whatever the hell I want to."

  Then prance off on her not-so-merry way.

  Every now and then though, their insults would actually hurt her. They would sting painfully, and Alice would have to leave quickly to hide her sudden tears.

  It was hard for her to hang onto her dreams. Especially when people repeatedly attempting to kill them, to beat them out of her. They could never seem to understand that Alice’s dreams were her entire world.

  Her dreams were sometimes all that she could live for.

  But her dreams always came back. Alice could never help her urge to just keep dreaming. Her beautiful fantasies of another life were always painted vividly in her mind, and behind closed eyes they came to life.

  After all, Alice had always been a dreamer

  Chapter Nine

  She was dancing through an open field. The ground was moist and wet with dew, and small pieces of vegetation stuck to her feet. The moon was full, shinning high overhead. A cooling breeze swirled the grass all around her, blowing in clouds as she continued to dance.

  Rain drops began to trickle down her skin but she continued to dance, all alone in the field with nothing around her for miles. The moon, not touched by the clouds, turned made everything shine silver and sparkling white.

  All was peaceful, the rain was gentle, and the air was warm.

  Chilling fog rolled through, and goose bumps began to rise on Alice's arms. She shuddered, looking up at the moon as it slowly turned to an eerie sanguine color, glowering down at her.

  The world was tinted a haunting, glowing red as the rain came down harder and faster, turning warm and sticky. The grass turned into vines that wrapped around Alice's ankles and legs as she began to run, the field turning to into the thick, dark forest of demented fairy tales.

  Her feet stumbled over plants and tree roots, she wanted to cry out for help but she knew that no one was there, that she was completely alone in the world. The wind tore at her skin and clothing, pushing more thick, suffocating fog into the forest.

  Unable to see, she struggled forward, running faster and faster until the vines weaved up to her waist and pulled her back to the ground.

  She collapsed; sharp pain jolting her system, but she didn't scream.

  She looked at her arms, trying to make sure nothing was broken so she could continue to fight and get out of this forest. Alice watched, horrified, as all of the cuts on her arms slowly reopened and blood seeped out of them, covering her skin. She could feel every scar on her torso open up and begin to bleed again.

  The rain only made the sight worse; it seemed to be adding to the blood running over her arms instead of diluting it like it should have. Alice nearly fainted in terror as she realized why:

  It was raining blood.

  A long, sharp, piercing scream tore its way out of her throat as the dream shattered. Her eyes snapped open and the first thing she saw was her own reflection.

  It smirked at her.

  All the final threads of Alice's sanity snapped. She screamed hysterically, lunging at the mirror, pounding at it furiously. It shattered, pieces flying away from it and embedding themselves in her arms and face. She kept hitting the mirror until she couldn't see her reflection anymore.

  She smashed at the pieces on the ground, the shards in her skin; she had to destroy the reflection.

  Her parents burst into her room and tried to pull her away from the mirror, from the pieces of broken glass but she fought them, kicking and screaming. In her mind's eye they were monsters, trying to make her suffer again.

  She shouted in every language she knew, she must have looked like she was possessed. Maybe that was why her parents stopped fighting her and didn't stop her from racing to the drawer beneath the mirror and pulling out knife. They could only watch in horrified silence as she scampered away from them, into a corner of her room, eyes unfocused, face and arms streaked with blood.

  It gleamed menacingly, showing Alice her distorted reflection. That was all she needed. Without another second of indecision she plunged it into her heart, ending her suffering once and for all.

  Chapter Ten

  The fading light of late evening shone on Alice's pale skin as she slipped silently out the front door. Inside, she could hear the faint sound of the phone ringing.

  She closed the door, walking down the street quickly as she took out her phone and dialed Krista's number, ignoring the message that told her she had one missed call.

  There were three rings, and then a small clicking noise that told her someone had picked up the phone.

  "Hello?"

  "Hey, hi, Jamie. Hi. It's Alice. Can I talk to Krista, please?" Alice greeted Krista's little sister. Krista had told Alice many, many times that Jamie was evil and that Alice should not speak with her anymore then she had to, but Alice never listened. She was an only child and she enjoyed treating Jamie like the sister she had never had. Jamie loved this, and took advantage of Alice as frequently as she could.

  Alice had never minded though. This kind of mani
pulation by a ten year old was not meant to hurt, just to benefit the girl. In her mind, Jamie was a little angel; no matter how many times Krista told her that she was seriously disturbed.

  "Krista's walking Nessa," the ten year old replied.

  "Oh, I know where she'll be then. Okay. Thanks, Jamie," she said, rolling her eyes as she heard the click that signaled that Jamie had hung up before she was done speaking.

  Krista would be near the park most likely. Alice knew it was how the girl cleared her mind. Krista liked the swings; she had told Alice that they made her feel calm and helped her sort herself out.

  As Alice got closer to the park, she saw Krista sitting on a park bench, her head down so that her long brown hair block her face from Alice's view. Her border collie, Nessa, was tethered to a tree not too far away, occupying herself with trying to get to the birds that were across the park.

  When Alice was about ten feet away, she noted her friend's shoulders convulsing.

  "Krista?" she called worriedly, praying her friend was only crying and not having an epileptic fit.

  Krista looked up and Alice could see that the girl's light grey eyes had turned red and puffy, and there were lines of moisture trailing down her cheeks.

  "Krista, are you crying?" Alice inquired softly, sitting down next to her.

  Krista shook her head vehemently.

  "No..." she barely whispered, before she began to sob even harder than before.

  "Krista, dear, yes, yes you are," Alice pointed out gently, putting a hand on the distraught teenager's shoulder.

  "No, I'm not. Because I can't cry, because..." she trailed off, still weeping.

  "Because why?"

  "Because, Alice. One of us has to be okay," Krista sniffled, looking up at Alice, stating this fact as though it was clear as day.

  Alice felt like someone had stabbed her. Guilt rushed into her heart as she realized what a horrible friend she was being. She had never noticed what kind of stress Krista was under constantly.

  "Well... if I'm okay right now... Doesn't that mean that you can be not okay?" she questioned. "Because, if one of us always has to be okay... And that's the only rule to it... Well... It's not specific, is it? You don't have to be okay all the time, do you? You don't always have to be the strong one, right?"

  "...No. I guess not," Krista agreed hesitantly, plucking on the edge of her sleeve.

  "So..."

  "I'm not okay?"

  "You sure about that?"

  "Yes," she breathed in deeply. "I'm not okay."

  "But you will be," Alice reminded her, taking her friend's hand.

  "I'm not okay, but I will be," Krista said clearly.

  "Now... Why are you not okay?"

  Krista frowned and there was a long pause before she started speaking. Nessa tugged on her leash and whined, walking over to the girls and licking Krista's freehand.

  "I guess I just get so worried. About you, about Lisa, about Jamie, about the future, about... Everything really," Krista admitted.

  "You shouldn't worry so much. You don't need to," Alice said tentatively. Krista smiled bitterly, shaking her head and letting out a small, choked laugh.

  "Yes I do. Don't play the fool. I need to worry about you most of all. I have a reason to," Krista told her.

  Alice shirked back, her chin beginning to wobble as the harshness of Krista's words it her.

  "Look at your arms, Alice, the scars tell the story themselves."

  To prove her point, she pushed up Alice's sleeve. A litter of scars were revealed, some of them fresh and red, others old and fading. For the first time, Alice flinched when she looked at them.

  "That's right. Look! Now tell me I don't have a reason to worry about you," Krista ordered, perhaps more sharply than she had intended to. She had to get her point across to Alice. However hard it was, Krista knew from experience that she was able to sometimes get into Alice's head. She had to make Alice understand now that she was sick, and that she needed help.

  "I'm sorry," Alice whispered, beginning to cry. "I'm sorry!"

  "I'm sorry too, Alice... I'm sorry too."

  The two girls held each other, both sobbing softly until the street lamps turned on and night fell over the world.

  The finale

  Chapter Eleven

  Alice awoke with a startled gasp. She felt as though she was moving through water as her mind struggled to comprehend where and when she was.

  The room slowly slid into focus and she moved into a sitting position. She observed the plain white walls of her room, unadorned except for a pair of pointe shoes, beaten and black, and a few pictures of Krista and Lisa.

  Her head throbbed, and she put a hand to in. Groaning, she glanced at her clock. The time flashed at her in glowing red numbers.

  8:04.

  Alice yawned and stood. Something felt off. Tension circulated throughout the house. She shifted uncomfortably.

  Her hair fell like a pale sheet over her shoulders as she walked out of the room. She stood at the banister, listening intently.

  Her mother and father were speaking in muted voices down below. Damn. She had hoped her father would have left for his business trip early, like he normally did.

  Somehow, it all seemed strangely familiar. She slipped back into her room, shaking her head. This wasn't right. The feeling made her want to squirm. It just wasn't right.

  Alice shook off such thoughts and silently began packing a bag. Every instinct was screaming at her to leave now.

  Summoning up all of her grace as a dancer, she moved around the room without making any noise, putting clothes and anything else she could need into the bag.

  God, something was horribly, horribly off. Alice imagined that this must be like how animals felt before a storm. No, not just a storm, a tornado.

  Speaking of storms... Alice glanced out the window. Dark clouds were rolling in and lighting flashed threateningly across the sky. Thunder rumbled in the background.

  Go figure. It would storm on a night like this, whatever kind of night this was.

  A memory flitted across her mind in flashes. A broken window, excruciating pain, glass tearing her skin apart, a warm, comforting embrace.

  How... strange. She couldn't remember when that had happened. She had never broken her ankle, let alone jumped out a window. It had to be just a dream, probably a dream she had had right before she woke up. Maybe that was why her head hurt.

  Alice bit her lip. It had felt so real though...

  Another memory slipped into existence.

  She sat in a Catholic church. She was yelling, no, crying. There was pain. Then blood, so much blood. Her blood. Spilling all over the ground.

  She looked at the scars on her arm, tracing a finger over one absently.

  Images assaulted her mind instantaneously. Lost memories. Things she shouldn't have ever been able to remember. Things that shouldn't have happened.

  Overwhelmed, she screamed involuntarily just as thunder shook the entire house, rattling the windows and masking the sound.

  It wasn't right. These memories were all of what was happening now. Of today, no, of tonight.

  But you can't live a day more than once... Can you?

  Apparently, Alice decided, you can. That appeared to be what had happened at least.

  But why?

  That was the one question Alice couldn't seem to find an answer to.

  Why was her life repeating itself? Were everyone else's lives repeating? Was it just this one day? How badly had she screwed up?

  The feeling of a knife piercing her heart made her wince. Okay. She had screwed up pretty damn bad.

  She had killed herself... Taken her own life... Committed suicide... Not just once, but several times.

  Alice had, of course, entertained the idea before, but this was something completely different. She had watched herself die.

  Over and over again, each time, or, almost each time, at her own hand. It was horrifying to relive.
br />   Guilt washed over her as she remembered Lisa's face when she admitted she wanted to kill herself. She hadn't understood then why Lisa was crying.

  She understood now. God, did she understand now. Images flew quickly through her mind like a horrific slideshow, faster and faster until Alice wanted to alternately scream and cry.

  Krista's face; concerned and worried. Eric looking alarmed as she stormed out of his house. A priest pulling her into an embrace. People that cared trying to say so trying show her when Alice was too blind to see, to deaf to hear.

  She saw now. But was it too late? Did she wait too long to finally wise up?

  No. No, she couldn't have. Why else would she have had all these chances if it was too late?

  Alice would fix it tonight. She would do it right tonight.

  Chapter Twelve

  Alice looked to her clock again.

  9:10.

  It was getting late. Rational thinking told her that she ought to wait to make her flight. That would be the clever thing to do. The sensible thing.

  Well, Alice had never been sensible, as her parents repeatedly told her. She'd never been in possession of good sense, and her head wasn't screwed on quite right.

  Her bags were packed, now all that was left was for her to set the scene.

  It she made it look like she had attempted suicide, and maybe succeeded (but elsewhere), there was less of chance they'd search for her in the right place.

  Striding over to the window, she fought with it until it opened without too much of a struggle, as she was thinking much more rationally then the last time she had attempted that. She winced, thinking about that gave her a headache.

  Carefully, she popped out the screen and placed it gently on the floor next to the window. As an afterthought, she kicked it fiercely, creating a gaping hole in the center of the screen.

  But now her foot was bleeding.

  Alice cursed quietly in several different languages before realizing how perfect this was. They would expect blood. She typed out a text message to Krista, but didn't send it. It basically said how much she loved her, and how Alice was sorry, but her dying was the only way.

  It sounded pathetic in her ears, and it was only after this she realized they would probably expect a suicide note.