The Colloquies of Edward Osborne, Citizen and Clothworker of London

  CHAPTER VI

  _Tib's Malpractyzes_

  As about this Time, it being stark Winter, _Tib Pyebaker_ went near toburn the House down after the Manner following. She took some red-hotCoals between two Saucepan-lids to warm her Bed therewith; and, whenasshe deemed it heated enow, she would needs not be at the Pains ofcarrying the Coals down again, but hid them under the Stairs in aBroom-cupboard. And by Reason of the undermost Lid-handle making the Lidto lose its Balance, it fell Topside-t'otherway, and the lighted Coalswere spilled, whereof I passing the Cupboard, was made ware by thestrong Smell of burning. And, looking therein and moving sundry Ragsthat were already Tinder, I found the Boards beneath them just ready toburst into a Flame. Whereupon, without running for Water, I cast my Gownthereon and crushed it out with my Hands. Now, could I have hidden myBurns, I might have saved _Tib's_ Credit; whereas the Thing could not behid, seeing I could not so much as cut my Meat; and Mistress _Fraunces_bruiting it abroad, it came to the Ears of the Bridge Wardens, who,because of the imperilling of the whole Bridge, would not be hindered ofsetting _Tib_ in the Cage, as a Warning to other careless Servants. Iwas grievous for her, the Place was so publique; and a Lot of 'PrenticeBoys were staring at her all Day, and offering her Eatables and thenplucking them away. Also _Miles_ made no end of Pretences for going ofErrands past that End of the Bridge, and always feigned to look awayfrom _Tib_, yet took Care to spy her in her Trouble, out of the Cornerof his Eye, all the Time.

  I never knew one Woman treat another with more silent Contempt than_Damaris_ expressed for _Tib_, after this Affair of the Cage. It was along Time afore the 'Prentices (who now called me _Fire-and-Water_,)left off asking of _Tib_ where she now kept her Warming-pan, and whethershe cast her hot Ashes out on the Boats that shot the Bridge. For this,she would sometimes catch them by the Ears and pull them well; but thenthey would cry "Clubs!" and a Score of Lads were over their Counters ina Minute, and she had to run for it and dart breathless into the House,whither they dared not follow her. Howbeit, when the pleasant Month ofMay came, and the Damsels danced before their Masters' Doors to theTimbrels, _Tib_, who well loved to pound away with the Rest, was socross that she would not come forth.

  During the last few Months, _Tomkins_ had been much eased of hisLameness; and the worn Look of Suffering had altogether departed,leaving him a much younger looking Man than before this Relief. One day,to my great Surprise, he told me he was going to be married. I askedhim, to whom; and he said, to an old Acquaintance of his he had longlost Sight of, but had fallen in with in St. _Magnus_' Church ... onewho would gladly have had him when they were many Years younger, but whowas kind enough to care for him and wish to make him happy now. Headded, reflectively, when he had told me this, "There are a great manygood Women in the World."

  So he removed his Loom to a tidy Lodging in _Shoreditch_, which Master_Hewet_ furnished for him; and Mistress _Fraunces_ gave him his WeddingDinner, and _Miles_ and I helped to eat it. The Wife, thoughmiddle-aged, had a pleasant Aspect; and I thought _Tomkins_ had done avery good Thing for himself; but his Attick looked very dreary withouthim.

  The Marching Watch was revived with great Splendour this Year by theLord Mayor, Sir _John Gresham_, both on St. _John's_ Eve, and the Eve ofSt. _Peter_: and the Array was augmented by three Hundred Demi-lancesand light Horse, prepared by the City to be sent into _Scotland_ for theRescue of the Town of _Haddington_. Five Hundred of the Cressets werefurnished by the great Companies, the other two Hundred by the Chamberof _London_, and every Cresset had two Men, one to hold, and one to trimit: and every Cresset-bearer had Wages, his Breakfast, a Badge, and aStraw Hat. And, what with Halberdiers, Billmen, etc., there musteredabout two Thousand. There were also many City Feasts, some of whichMaster _Hewet_ and Mistress _Fraunces_ attended very richly dressed.

  It was some little Time after this, that I, copying a Letter at myMaster's Behest, could not hinder myself of hearing the followingAddress made to him by Mistress _Fraunces_.

  "_William_, I have been laying up thy black Velvet Suit with Care, thisMorning, thinking thou wouldest have no more present Occasion forit.—How well thou becamest it, I thought! And so thought Mistress_Beatrix_. She said she had never seen a Man look so well since thouwarest thy white Sarcenet Coat in the great Muster for King _Harry_."

  "Sarcenet Speeches, Sister," sayth Master _Hewet_.

  "Nay, I know not what you mean by Sarcenet Speeches," returns she, "I amsure they were sincere enough; and truly I think, Brother, if you pushedyour Fortune a little in that Quarter, you might have Success."

  Finding he uttered no Word, she, after a little waiting, saith, "Dear_Alice_ hath now been long in her Grave, and would, I am certified, wishyou to be happy."

  —"And what is to make me so?" asks he, huskily.

  "Nay, Brother, a good Wife."

  "I've had one," quod he, "and one is enough to my Share.—Are you tiredof keeping House for me? What would you do, now, if I set a Lady aboveyou at my Table?"

  "Oh," quod she cheerfully, "I would gladly take the second Place. Or, ifshe preferred my Room to my Company, I would take Pattern by the oldLady at the Bridge End that lives all alone by herself with her Cats."

  "No, dear _Fraunces_" sayth he,—and I have Ground for thinking hekissed her,—"you shall need neither Alternative—_Alice_ shall have noSuccessor in mine House, since she can never have one in my Heart ...and, as to happy,—why, except for that one great Loss, am I not happyas Man can be? Believe me, I am content with the Present, and trustfulfor the Future. I hope to see...."

  But what he hoped to see, I heard not.

  About this Time, _Miles_ had formed close Acquaintance with some Lads onthe Bridge, who gave their Masters more Trouble than enough. I supposehe thought it spirited of them, and worthy of all Imitation. One Night,I awoke out of my first Sleep, and lay listening to the Uproar of theWinds and Waters, which seemed quite to drown _Miles'_ Snoring, when theDoor suddenly opened, and my Master, with a Lamp in his Hand, sayth,"_Ned_, are you in Bed?" I say, "Yes, Master." "Then," quod he, where is_Miles_?" I said, "In Bed too, Master." But he turned his Light on_Miles'_ Bed, and it was empty. Then quod he, "The Bridge Watchman hathjust called under my Window to say one of my 'Prentices was abroad, buthe wist not which, for in chasing him, he stumbled over an Heap ofRubbish before a House under Repair, and lost him in the Dark."

  Then he left me, and I lay wondering how _Miles_ could have got out,since Mistress _Fraunces_ kept the House-key, and what Account he wouldgive of himself when he came back. Master _Hewet_, I afterwards learnt,found the Key in the Door, outside, and took it in, and locked the Door.And so, sate in Wait a good While, till at length some one tries theDoor from without, then gropes about the Ground for the Key, then loudlywhispers through the Keyhole, "_Tib!_ _Tib!_"

  Thereupon the Door is opened, but not by _Tib_; and my Master, collaring_Miles_, strikes him, but not so severely as for him to do what he did,which was to fall all along on the Ground and emit one or two hollowGrones. Master _Hewet_, witting him to be scarce hurt, waxed very angry,and pulling him up, would know how he got out, but _Miles_ would nottell. Then he would know why he called on _Tib_ through the Keyhole, asthough expecting her to be at Hand; and he made Answer, Because her Namecame readiest, and he was less afeard of her than of any else, but shewist not of his being out. My Master said, That should be seen to, andhow did he get the Key? He said Mistress _Fraunces_ had forgotten totake it up. But Mistress _Fraunces_, when called up, remembered well tohave laid it on her Toilette ere she went to Bed, and was avised _Tib_must have fetched it while she was asleep. But, on going to _Tib_,Mistress _Fraunces_ found her sleeping so heavily, that after muchshaking, all she could get out of her was, "Thieves! Thieves!" So theMatter stood over; Master _Hewet_ putting it to _Miles_ whether he wistnot that he might have him up before the Wardens, and see him hardlydealt with. So _Miles_ came back to his Bed, sullen enough.

  But a Woman's own Tongue is oft her worst Enemy. The next Morning,though Nothing could be got
out of _Miles_ nor of _Tib_, yet Mistress_Fraunces_, being in her own Bed-chamber, instead of at Market, as _Tib_supposed, hears _Tib_, who was concluded to be making my Master's Bed, atalking from his Window to the Maid in the corresponding Window acrossthe Strete. And although, by Reason of the two Tenements being so veryfew Feet apart in their upper Stories, there was hardly need for _Tib_to speak above her Breath, yet Mistress _Fraunces_, quickened byCuriosity, could hear almost every Word, and how that _Tib_ had comeinto her Chamber when she was asleep, and took the Key and lent it to_Miles_, who had promised her a tawdry Ribbon for it: and how theWatchman saw him go forth, and aroused my Master, who set on him when hereturned, and beat him within an Inch of his Life. And how Mistress_Fraunces_—But here Mistress _Fraunces_ spoiled all, in her Anxiety tohear the Particulars of her own Character; for, advancing a little toonear the Casement, that she might not lose a Syllable, she was caughtSight of by the Neighbour's Maid, who, without Doubt, made a Signal to_Tib_. Whereupon, _Tib_, after a Moment's Pause, added, and how that ifMistress _Fraunces_ were not the sweetest and mercifullest of Ladies,there would be no Chance of her forgiving such a Misdeed when she cameto hear it, as _Tib_ meant she should the very first Time she could findHeart to confess it to the sweetest and best of Ladies.

  Oh what Potence hath a flattering Tongue! Here was Mistress _Fraunces_ready to fly out upon _Tib_ and give her Warning on the Spot, and, in aMinute, in a Breath, her Wrath was allayed and brought within Compass bythe Commendation of an artful Woman. She goeth to the Stair-foot andcalleth, "_Tib!_ _Tib!_ come down with thee this Instant!" but by theTime _Tib_ appeared with her Apron at her Eyes, she had lost all Mind tocast her, characterless, forth of the House, and it sufficed her tobestow a severe Chiding. Whereat _Tib_ wept, and took Shame to herself,and made her Peace; and so was kept on. Which I ever thought anill-advised Thing. Where there's no Fidelity, there's no Safety.