Time Well Spent
(loudly)
...you’re so...(beat)...dirty...
They’ve passed the door.
SETH (CONT’D)
I’ve got nothin’.
She nods.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - MORNING
Seth’s standing outside a door, talking through it.
SETH (CONT’D)
I’ve been thinking a lot lately--about me
and Lysandra. I’m thinking, what if I can
convince her that I’m not the world’s
biggest loser. I mean, isn’t that what
being an American’s all about? Overcoming
monumental challenges and grabbing
adversity by its horns and making it your
bitch-monkey? Damnit! That’s it! I can turn
my zero into a great “O”! As in, “O, look
at him go!” God bless America! God bless
Amer--
SFX - TOILET FLUSH
WIDE OUT
Seth’s been talking through the door of the ladies’
restroom. Anna EXITS the restroom.
ANNA
Sounds good. I think it's gonna totally
backfire--but you should do it.
SETH
That--that doesn't make a whole lot of
sense.
ANNA
We're females. Live with it. We go crazy, irrational things; how else do you
explain how Shia Leboef keeps getting laid?
She hands him a plastic wrapped TAMPON.
ANNA (CONT’D)
Here’s your tampon.
He takes it, then places it in his pocket.
SETH
I’ll just save this for later.
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. SETH’S ROOM - EARLY EVENING
His room is very much a guy’s room--a total mess. Seth is
on a chair, rummaging in the top shelf of his closet,
throwing stuff out. Anna’s standing behind him, dodging the
accidental projectiles. He finds what he’s looking for: a
SHEET OF CRUMPLED LOOSE-LEAF PAPER.
SETH (CONT’D)
Aha! I knew it was here--my master list
of everything I’ve ever intended on
doing but was too lazy. Mostly just old
New Year’s Resolutions, but there's also
some to-do lists and mild bucket-list
stuff.
She looks at the list.
ANNA
I have one thing on my bucket-list:
Don't die.
SETH
So you have ambition now too?
ANNA
You’re in luck. It’s only half a page long.
SETH
No. There’s more stuff. I just didn’t take
the time to write it all down.
ANNA
Oh.
SETH
Yeah. (beat) First up: Clean up all this
crap.
ANNA
You mean your stuff? You are getting into "Hoarders"-territory.
SETH
No. I mean this crap--my toilet’s been
backed-up for almost a week now.
We quickly PAN OVER to the opened door of Seth’s bathroom.
The TOILET is backed up with what you’d expect a toilet
that hasn’t been flushed in a week would be full of. It
overflows a little and bubbles. Quickly PAN OVER back to
Seth and Anna.
ANNA
Ew.
SETH
Yeah, you’re standing in it a little, too.
Looking at her feet, she leaps out of place.
CUT TO:
Seth, discovering a TUBE OF SUPERBUBBLE under his bed.
SETH (CONT’D)
Hey, Superbubble! We had fun with this!
FLASHBACK
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. SETH’S ROOM - DAY. FOUR YEARS AGO
Seth is sitting on the floor, reclining against his bed.
Anna’s laying on it. He holds up the tube to his nose,
takes a deep HUFF. He giggles uncontrollably from the high
and passes it to Anna. She HUFFS and giggles too, rolling
on his bed maniacally.
END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE
ANNA
(fondly)
Yeah.
He tosses it in the box.
CUT TO:
Anna is shuffling a PILE OF CLOTHES on the floor. Suddenly
something beneath it all begins to VIBRATE loudly. Seth
throws himself atop it, like a bodyguard protecting his
charge, to muffle it.
SETH
(ashamedly)
Sometimes I get curious.
CUT TO:
Anna reaches under his bed. She brings out an old copy of
PLAYBOY. There’s something wrong with it. It’s stiff--she
waves it like a single piece of cardboard.
ANNA
It’s like it’s been shellacked-
She quickly drops it.
ANNA (CONT’D)
Ewwww...
She wipes her hand on her blouse.
CUT TO:
All his crap has been placed in large GARBAGE BAGS. Anna
picks one up, and chucks it out the open window.
EXT. SETH’S HOUSE. FRONTYARD - EARLY EVENING
The bag lands in a neat pile with the others
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. SETH’S ROOM - EARLY EVENING
SETH
No, no, no. You have to put some shoulder
into it.
He picks up a bag.
SETH (CONT’D)
Okay, make me mad.
ANNA
Okay. Today, in the girls’ lockerroom,
Lysandra said you couldn’t find a woman’s
G-Spot with OnStar.
This enrages him.
SETH
AHHHHHHHH!
He tosses the bag clean out the window, past his frontyard.
EXT. SETH’S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING
It CRASHES into a passing-by POLICECRUISER, damaging the
front windshield. Coincidentally, Derek is walking down the
suburban sidewalk. Not knowing where the projectile came
from, he stops. Two white POLICE OFFICERS step out. They
stop for a moment to look at the damage, then turn to Derek.
COP #1
(pointing with his nightstick)
Hey, you!
DEREK
Uh-oh.
Derek bolts. The two cops follow.
COP #1
STOP!
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. SETH’S ROOM - EARLY EVENING
Back to Seth and Anna.
SETH
Seriously? She actually said that?
ANNA
No. She doesn’t talk about you at all.
CUT TO:
His room is clean. We now see he has a hardwood floor.
SETH
(kicking off his shoes)
I forgot I have a hardwood floor!
He tries to slide across it; the floor’s not slick enough.
He trips and falls flat on his face.
SETH (CONT’D)
DAMNIT!
ANNA
I think you need to wax it first.
INT. AMAZONDOTBOMB BOOKSTORE - DAY
Seth and Anna approach an EMPLOYEE bent over to stock a
shelf.
SETH
Hey--
He quickly straightens up. He’s a foppish fellow who speaks
&n
bsp; in an exaggerated tone.
EMPLOYEE
(interrupting)
Yesssss?
SETH
Do you have any books on self-improvement?
EMPLOYEE
Yesssss!
SETH
Can you stop saying that?
EMPLOYEE
Yess-
Seth slugs him. He drops like a sack of potatoes.
ANNA
Seth!
SETH
What? He was coming right at me.
CLOSE-UP - LINE OF YELLOW COVERED “...FOR DUMMIES” BOOKS
He goes down the line, grabbing every book off the shelf.
He skips over SEX FOR DUMMIES. Then he pauses.
SETH (CONT’D, O.S.)
Aw, who am I kidding?
He goes back and tops the pile off with Sex for Dummies.
EXT. OCEAN STREET - MORNING
Seth and Russ are walking down the street together,
drinking COFFEE.
RUSS
Dude, you’re not serious about this self-
improvement shit?
SETH
Why does everyone keep assuming I’m just
making this up? Can’t I just do something
nice like this?
Russ shakes his head.
RUSS
It’s just that you’re very susceptible to
crazy ideas. Remember that UFO cult you
joined?
FLASHBACK
INT. UFO CULTIST COMPOUND - NIGHT. TWO YEARS AGO
Seth and other CULTIST, all dressed in CEREMONIAL ROBES in
the style of the kind worn by those Heaven’s Gate kooks,
are standing around, holding TRANSPARENT PLASTIC CUPS OF
KOOL-AID.
ONE SHOT - SETH
Seth slowly starts to drink his. Then he suddenly stops,
Kool-Aid coming spurting out of his mouth and nose, he
withdraws his cup. He starts laughing.
SETH
(pointing to his cup)
Ha! There’s a grape in mine. (beat) Guys?
BACK TO SCENE
Everyone else is lying on the floor, dead.
SETH (CONT’D)
Guys?
Dropping the cup, hands waived like “whoa,” he slowly backs
out.
END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE
RUSS
And anyway, it’s wrong to be puttin’ on
airs.
SETH
You can’t compare the two.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Let me tell you something my Grandmother
Mary told me before she died: “Stop it.
You’re hurting me. You’re outta the
will”--no, I’m just joshing you.
Seriously, in baseball, if you aim for
the stars, you’re going to hit the
fence.
SETH
I like the first one better, the one with
hurting an old lady.
They stop again. A nerdy spandex-clad BICYCLIST riding on
the sidewalk is coming toward them. The bicyclist slows as
much as possible while still remaining mounted as Russ is
making moves to the right and left, taking up the whole
sidewalk.
RUSS
(excitedly)
Uh-oh. Uh-oh, you know it’s coming!
Uh-oh!
The bicyclist almost gets passed him; he shoves the man off
his bike.
RUSS (CONT’D)
(excitedly)
Can’t stop the bum-Russ!!!
They continue walking. Russ skips a little, in a victorious
mood.
SETH
You’re so immature.
RUSS
And you’re already putting on airs, man.
Airs.
SETH
Will you stop saying “airs” so much! Air
surrounds you, hence everyone has on air.
RUSS
You see. You’re already trying to tell
other people what to say and think
and...(beat)...say. Don’t be such a Nazi.
SETH
I’m not being a Nazi.
RUSS
Then how are you going to go about making
yourself a better person, Herr Anderson?
SETH
I have a list.
RUSS
The Nazis had a list. That’s how they knew
who to kill.
SETH
(sarcastically)
Wow, these walks with you are like Tuesdays
with Morrie.
RUSS
Using pop culture references that no one
else can understand--that’s the first sign
that you’re going “Mad Men” on your
friends.
SETH
What do you have against me bettering
myself?
RUSS
I sense a montage coming.
SETH
What?
RUSS
Nothing.
SETH
There’s only one way to settle this.
EXT. A MELROSE AVENUE EATERY. PATIO - NOON
TWO SHOT - SETH AND RUSS
They’re each holding a PENCIL by the eraser with their
thumb and forefinger, point down and at just above eyelevel.
RUSS
(simultaneously, quietly)
1-2-3.
SETH
(simultaneously, quietly)
1-2-3.
At “3,” they drop their pencils. Seth’s lands in the
exposed butt crack of the seated FIRST YOUNG WOMAN WEARING
LOWRIDER JEANS. Russ just misses the crack of First’s
eating companion sitting across from her, SECOND YOUNG
WOMAN WEARING LOWRIDER JEANS, his pencil landing on the
ground. They are creepily looming over them.
RUSS
Alright, you win. I’ll support you all the
way.
SETH
Lowrider jeans are cool.
RUSS
Enjoy your lunch, ladies.
Then they run off, before the women have any idea of what
just happened.
EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. QUAD - LUNCHTIME
Principal Escobar is standing to the side for whatever
reason. To STUDENTS walking by him:
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR
Move along, kids. Move along. (beat) Give
me my personal space.
Seth approaches him. He extends his hand to the principal.
Principal Escobar doesn’t notice or care.
SETH
(gleefully)
Principal Escobar, I’d like to announce my
candidacy for senior class president.
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR
Congratulations, Mr. President.
SETH
There hasn’t even been a vote yet
.
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR
You have it locked, Jimbo. Look at the
other candidates:
We quickly PAN OVER to an ARAB-AMERICAN STUDENT speaking to
two FRIENDS, with a BOTTLE OF WATER under his mouth and a
long, bushy black beard, waving his free index finger for
emphasis.
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (CONT’D, O.S.)
A tall, thin Arab-American who doesn’t like
>
to shave and often speaks with a water
bottle under his mouth, finger waving emphatically. And the Guy Who Uses Outdated
Slang.
Quickly PAN OVER to GUY WHO USES OUTDATED SLANG (or
G.W.U.O.S.), a teen dressed like he’s from the 1920s or
something. He’s campaigning to the THREE BULLIES.
G.W.U.O.S.
Hey, chums. I’ve been pressing flesh so
hard, I’m fagged out.
He removes a PACK OF CIGARETTES and puts it out, offering
them a smoke.
G.W.U.O.S. (CONT’D)
Anyone wants to straighten their dickie and
put a faggot in their mouth?
We quickly PAN OVER back to Escobar and Seth.
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR
Yeah. You don’t need to be the Supreme
Court to know who’s going to win this
election. That reference isn't dated--is
it dated?
SETH
(absently)
No, Florida is still a hole and our
election system is racked with corruption.
Cue up FASTBALL’S “FIRE ESCAPE.”
MONTAGE:
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. SETH’S BEDROOM - EVENING
Seth’s laying out a DANCE TUTORIAL MAP. He goes through the
steps, waltzing with an invisible partner.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Seth passes by a series of stores: First, a sports car
dealership.
SETH
(to himself)
Too expensive.
Then he passes by a penile enlargement clinic.
SETH (CONT’D)