Time Well Spent
(to himself)
Spartlets.
(nods)
Yeah. That’ll shake things up.
From across an aisle, Anna sees him and walks up to him.
ANNA
Seth!
SETH
Hey, beautiful stranger.
ANNA
You’re all sweaty.
SETH
Yeah, I was playing basketball with
Derek and some other guys, then I had to
run from the cops.
ANNA
Oh.
SETH
Yeah.
Heading to the counter, they walk through the hygiene aisle.
SETH (CONT’D)
I don’t smell, do I?
ANNA
Like wet roadkill.
Seth stops. Anna stops too. He picks up a CAN OF DEODORANT,
pops off the top, shakes it. He SPRAYS some under each arm.
SETH
Y’know, sweat doesn’t actually smell.
What you’re smelling is the shit of the
microbes living on my skin.
ANNA
(sarcastically)
That’s much less gross.
He recaps the can and places it back on the shelf.
SETH
That’s what I think.
ANNA
Now, putting the can back is just wrong.
SETH
It’s only wrong if it’s roll-on.
CUT TO:
Seth and Anna are waiting in line. Anna looks down at the
many cigarette ads posted in front of the counter.
SETH (CONT’D)
You do know why they keep cigarette ads
that low, don’t you? Well, it all goes back
to the Reagan administration.
FLASHBACK
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY. 1982
The cigarette ads are up high, over the counter instead of
on the counter. An African American BOY, age six, waits in
line to pay for some CANDY. A tall MAN in a suit is
standing over him, “reading” a NEWSPAPER that is also
covering his face. The man lowers the paper. It’s PRESIDENT
RONALD REAGAN. He bends over and addresses the boy.
PRESIDENT REAGAN
Hey, kiddo. You wanna look up there?
He motions to the overhead advertisements with the folded
up newspaper. The boy looks at this stranger like he’s
crazy.
END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE
Anna just nods.
EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. PARKING LOT - MORNING
The entire senior class is lined up against a school bus.
Principal Escobar walks down the line, talking to the
students. Stoner Jeff places a JOINT in his mouth and
lights it.
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR
Today is our senior trip to the
planetarium.
Escobar takes the joint out of Jeff’s mouth and licks his
thumb and forefinger and puts it out with them and places
the doobie in his pocket.
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (CONT’D)
We used to go to Disneyland for our
senior trip, until someone in last
year’s class reposed the Seven Dwarves
and it was no longer the happiest place
on Earth.
Bullies #1-3 are all standing together, of course.
BULLY #1
Hey, Principal Escobar, are we gonna see
Uranus?
The three laugh, congratulating each other.
INT. THE SCHOOL BUS - DAY
Seth and Anna are sitting next to each other on the right
side, with Seth having the windowseat. Looking tired, his
head is softly pressed against the glass.
SETH
(softly)
“Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress
for the band/Pretty eyed, pirate smile,
you’ll marry a music man/Ballerina, you
must have seen her dancing in the sand/
And now she’s in me, always with me,
tiny dancer in my hand...”
The other STUDENTS are waking up, paying attention. There’s
a lot of GRUMBLING in the background.
STUDENT #1 (O.S.)
No, c’mon!
STUDENT #2 (O.S.)
Shut up!
STUDENT #3 (O.S.)
That movie underperformed at the box
office and only received marginal
attention from the Academy of Motion
Picture Arts and Sciences!
CUT TO:
Russ. He’s sitting in the aisle seat across from Seth and
Anna. He removes a LUNCHABLES pack, opens it and begins
stacking a snack.
ANNA
(to Russ)
There’s no eating on the bus.
RUSS
Screw that! The bus driver has better
things to do than keep us from eating.
CUT TO:
The bus driver. She’s looking intently at the rearview
mirror.
BUS DRIVER (V.O.)
I sure hope nobody’s eating--
The bus goes over a large “bump.” The bus driver snaps back
to attention, keeping her eyes on the road.
BUS DRIVER (CONT’D, V.O.)
(nervously)
That was a bump! Yeah. The kids’ll back
me up.
(suspiciously)
Or will they?
CUT TO:
The pretty girl sitting next to Russ, TERI RUSSELL, is
eyeing his snack kit.
TERI
Can I get one of those?
RUSS
Yeah, what else do you want, blood?
CLOSE-UP - THE LUNCHABLE’S CHEESE COMPARTMENT
All of the slices of cheese are, of course, stuck together
in one block.
RUSS (CONT’D, O.S.)
Ah! My cheese! Fused together in one
damned clump forever!
BACK TO SCENE
TERI
I have nails.
She shows him her nails. He turns to her.
RUSS
We got off on the wrong foot.
He takes a hand off the kit and holds it out to her.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Hi. I’m Russell Moore. You know what
they say: Moore is better.
She shakes his hand.
TERI
My name’s Teri Russell. You know what
they say:...(beat)...Teri!
He nods idiotically.
RUSS
Okay.
CUT TO:
Anna looks to her left to see what’s going on.
ANNA
Where the hell did you get that?
We quickly PAN OVER to Russ and Terri. Russ is spraying Teri’s face and neck with whipped cream and is licking it
off her. Teri’s giggling.
RUSS
I bring it with me wherever.
CUT TO:
Seth is still resting his head against the window. Russ nudges Anna with his elbow.
RUSS (CONT’D)
This is something that you do when you’re
on a road trip.
(to the bus driver)
Are we there yet?
CUT TO:
The bus driver slowly applies the brakes.
>
BUS DRIVER
Yes. Yes we are.
INT. THE GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY. PLANET SCALES - DAY
Lance is standing on the EARTH SCALE.
LANCE
(to himself)
165? Oh, no more weiners will touch these
lips anytime soon.
Teri steps on the JUPITER SCALE.
TERI
400 pounds? I’m fat!
She bursts into tears. Trying to comfort her, Russ places
his hand on her shoulder.
RUSS
Yeah, on Jupiter.
She sobs into his shoulder.
TERI
One day we’ll go to Jupiter!
RUSS
(reassuringly)
I think you’re thin. (beat) You wanna go
find a broom closet and screw?
She lifts her head, wipes her nose with the back of her
hand.
TERI
Sure.
CLOSE SHOT - THE BROOM CLOSET’S DOOR
The door swings open. Body parts strategically obscured,
Russ an Teri are naked. They’re embracing each other in
fear and embarrassment. The JANITOR who opened the door is
holding a MOP. Russ hangs his head low in shame.
RUSS
(guiltily)
Please don’t judge us.
EXT. THE GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY - AFTERNOON
Seth, Stoner Jeff and Anna look out at L.A. It’s humid and
smoggy.
ANNA
Wow. The city is really gray today.
SETH
(excitedly)
You know where we’re standing?
The two are silent.
SETH (CONT’D)
This is the exact spot where James Dean
and what’s-his-face had that knife fight
in “Rebel Without a Cause.”
He removes a KODAK FUNSAVER CAMERA, and takes a flash
picture of the ground.
SETH (CONT’D)
What was that other guy’s name?
ANNA
I think he died of a drug overdose.
INSERT - STOCK FOOTAGE OF THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN
SFX - THE FIRST BAR OF “HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD”
SETH
(sarcastically)
Yeah, that narrows it down.
Stoner Jeff points.
STONER JEFF
Hey. Tony Aiello’s hitting on Lysandra.
CUT TO:
TONY AIELLO, a stereotypical Italian American teen--tight
blue jeans, slicked back hair, leather jacket--has Lysandra
against a wall, playing with her hair and speaking softly.
CUT TO:
Seth is getting angry.
ANNA
Seth, just walk away.
He ignores her, walking up with fists clenched.
SETH
Yo! “Swaggerpuss”! Get your stinkin’
“Jersey Shore”-watching hands off my
girl!
He gets right in Tony’s face.
TONY
Wha?
LYSANDRA
(embarrassed)
Oh God...
SETH
Out of the way, Ly.
He shoves her out of his way.
SETH (CONT’D)
This doesn’t involve you!
Tony gets in Seth’s face.
TONY
That’s no ways to be treating a lady.
He shoves Seth. Seth reels back several feet. Tony draws a
SWITCHBLADE, presses the trigger. A four-inch long blade
pops out. Seth holds his arms out defensively.
SETH
Whoa, whoa there, you kookie
knickerbocker, wait--
Then he quickly draws a SWITCHBLADE and presses the
trigger...
SETH (CONT’D)
Ha! I got one of those too!
He gets into a fighting stance.
SETH (CONT’D)
Go back to New York, you greasy I-talian
hood! No offense, Danny Purtelli.
We quickly PAN OVER to another Fonzi-esque teen, DANNY
PURTELLI. He shrugs.
DANNY
It’s okays, you’s good people.
We quickly PAN OVER to Anna and Stoner Jeff.
ANNA
God, where’s the principal when we need
him?
EXT. THE GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY. PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON
The bus driver is near the front door, reading a COPY OF
DAILY VARIETY. Escobar is on the other side, by the rear,
smoking the joint he seized earlier. He takes a long, deep
breath and then exhales a column of smoke, satisfied. The
driver takes her eyes off the newspaper and looks over in
his direction. He turns to her.
ESCOBAR
What?
She quickly turns her attention back to the paper.
EXT. THE GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY - AFTERNOON
SFX - CLICHÉ RETRO KNIFE-FIGHT MUSIC
STUDENTS are loosely gathered around the combatants. Tony
lunges at Seth. He dodges it, but Tony begins to slash
away--left, right--forcing Seth to the railing along the
ledge. Cocky, Tony begins to toss the knife into his right
and left hand. Seth swipes the air, knocking the knife out
of his possession. Then he grabs him by the jacket and plunges the knife into his gut. Tony looks shocked for a
moment. We PAN OVER to a souvenir stand with a large sign
reading: “JAMES DEAN PLASTIC ‘SWITCHBLADE’ STAND.” We PAN
OVER back to Seth and Tony. Seth removes the not bloody
knife from Tony’s not punctured belly. He looks at the
knife, then realization sets in.
SETH
(to himself)
Oh, right.
Seth drops the knife and shoves him. Tony reels back, then
charges forward and punches him in the eye. Tony swings at
him with a right hook. Seth dodges; his fist SMACKS into
the concrete wall.
TONY
Ow! My best pinkie-ring finger!
He swings at him with his left. Seth dodges; his fist
strikes the wall.
TONY (CONT’D)
Ow! There goes the other one! Well, I’m
done with this.
(to Lysandra)
I’ll be seeing you later.
He then turns and quickly walks away.
SETH
Yeah, you better run--I’ll kick your ass
in a you-know-what minute!
Anna walks up to Seth.
SETH (CONT’D)
He can’t do that--can he do that? (beat)
I won a fight by default.
(happily)
Alright! Default, default!
EXT. THE GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY. PARKING LOT - DUSK
The students are again lined up to enter the bus. Russ runs
up to Seth.
RUSS
(excitedly)
Look at what I got:...
He removes out of his pocket a pair of ordinary COTTON
PANTIES and holds them up proudly.
RUSS (CONT’D)
(excitedly)
...Teri’s panties!
There’s a moment of silence between the two. Russ is still
holding up the underwear, his enthusiasm dulled somewhat.
RUSS (CONT’D)
(explaining)
She’s a lot hotter than her panties.
INT. ANNA’S HOUSE. DINING ROOM - EVENING
Seth is sitting in a chair. The area around his eye is
swelling a little. Anna puts a SLAB OF BEEF on his eye.
SETH
Ow!
He removes the steak, looking closely at it.
SETH (CONT’D)
This has salt on it!
ANNA
Salt gives it flavor.
He cautiously places it back on his face.
ANNA (CONT’D)
I don’t know why you do this--really.
SETH
Ly will come back to me. Then everything
will be better.
ANNA
Damnit, Seth! When your ex has been
blowing you off for the past five months,
that is no longer playing hard to get!
You passed "hard to get" four months ago!
"Hard to get" is standing on the side of
the road, waving at you goodbye! You were
miserable when you were together--you’re
just too stupid to see it!
Seth is tearing up.
SETH
(hurt)
Don’t call me stupid. I’m not stupid.
Tears flow down his cheeks.
SETH (CONT’D)
And I’ll have you know this...
Crying, he points to his swelling eyes.
SETH (CONT’D)
...is because of the salt!
SFX - TEA KETTLE WHISTLE
ANNA