Hate to Love You

It felt like an elephant was sitting on my shoulders when I got up, but I had to hurry it up.

Bathroom took five minutes.

Brushing teeth was two.

Face was cleaned. Another minute.

Dressed.

Brushed the hair.

No. That looked bad.

Hair was pulled into a ponytail.

I cringed. Horrible.

Hair ended up in a messy bun. Nod of approval.

Bag was already packed from the night before—and after a light coating of lip-gloss and swipe of eyeliner, I was out the door.

So was everyone else. I got behind a group of five girls leaving the dorm. There was no time for breakfast, but I veered by the library. Everyone grabbed their coffee from the coffee shop on campus, or a few in the food court. Everyone forgot about the library, because who was really there so early in the morning?

Coffee ordered, paid for, then picked up, and I was back outside. All the sidewalks were full now. It was nine-fifteen when I spotted my poli-sci building. I reached for the door handle, opened it, and it was caught by a hand above mine.

I looked—I shouldn’t have.

Shay Coleman smirked down at me, his body close enough that I felt a draft of warmth from his heat. He curved his lips up, pleased to have caught me off guard. “Morning.”

I grunted and was acutely aware of how he was right behind me up the two flights of stairs to our class.

A line of students stopped at the top, waiting to enter the room. I waited at the end, needing to cover the last two steps. Shay was right behind me. His one arm was on the handrail as he moved his foot to my same step.

He was leaning right over me.

Tension filled me.

I could lean my head back against his chest. He wouldn’t move away. I didn’t think he’d move at all, and considering it, some of the tension faded, but that effect he had on me was still there. I bit down on my lip. I couldn’t move away from him. The group of students moved forward. One more step. One to go.

I moved up.

So did Shay.

He resumed his same stance.

His breath coated the back of my neck, and I almost groaned. Almost. I held it in.

Pop quiz. Those words surged in my mind. I needed to remember what we were doing, where we were going.

The last step was cleared, and then we were through the doorway. Shay walked behind me, his arm lifted and rested on my shoulder.

I could feel Becs’s and Aby’s attention sharpen, so did so many other girls in the room. If I shrugged him off, that’d produce more attention. We all knew how much I loved attention.

Shay’s soft chuckle grazed my ear. We moved farther down the middle aisle until we got to my desk. His arm fell away, he swung into his seat, and like one being, we both sat at the same time.

The back of my neck grew hot.

Something was thrown at me. I turned and Linde mouthed, “WTF?”

Shay chuckled again—so sure of himself, so arrogant, so cocky.

Linde lifted his hands up, still waiting for my response.

What could I say?

I rolled my shoulders before turning back around. The professor arrived, and it was like how Shay called it.

“Close your books. Clear your desks. Take out your pens. Pop quiz, everyone.”





“Girl.”

That was Linde’s greeting to me once class was done. Shay got up and left, not looking back. Becs, Aby, and two other friends picked up their pace. I had no idea if they were going after him or just excited to leave class.

I knew what Linde was asking with that one word. “I felt like I would’ve caused a scene if I pushed his arm off.”

“What is going on with you and Shay?” He waited in front of me as I grabbed my bag. We walked together out of the classroom and building. “Is he messing with you?”

“Does he do that with girls?”

He opened the door, holding it for me, and I glanced over for his response.

He let the door go, falling in line again beside me. “I’ve never seen it, but that’s weird. You want me to say something to him?”

Say something? After Shay told me not to poke my nose in Linde’s business, and Linde was offering to poke his in this business. Ironic. My mouth dried up. If he did, Shay could tell him about my concerns. Linde could be pissed at me.

I shook my head. “Nah. It’ll sort out. I’m sure.”

Some guys called Linde’s name as we neared the food court. He pointed a fist toward them, then broke away from me. He started walking backwards. “I’ll say something if you want me to.”

I just gave him a grin. I didn’t want that. Linde was my second friend here. “If I do, I’ll say the word.”

He stretched his arm out toward me, a cocky grin on his face. “Word. Just say it.”

“Say what word?” Kristina asked from behind me. I turned, watching her sort through a stack of mail as she looked between Linde and me.

“Nothing.” I fixed her with a smile. Shay was gone. I wouldn’t see him for another forty-eight hours. Already things were feeling better. “How are you feeling?”

She groaned. “Embarrassed. I never drink. Now you know why.”

We laughed, heading through the line into the cafeteria. I grabbed a salad and water first. Linde didn’t just pour drinks last night. He ordered a pizza, so today was healthy me. Today was my fight against the freshman fifteen. No to pizza, yes to leafy greens.

My stomach was frowning all on its own as I sat down. Kristina was still in line. She was grabbing a bowl of soup.

Then I saw her roommate and other two friends, as well. They were heading toward the table with bags in hand. Casey tossed her bag onto the table across from me. “Hey, Kennedy.”

I picked up my glass of water, holding it to my lips. “So, you do know my name.”

Her grin faltered. Laura and Sarah dropped their bags in their own seats and turned for the food, but Casey paused. “Did you think I really didn’t know?”

“There was suspicion.”

Kristina came back, bypassing Casey and setting her tray down. “Where’d you stay last night? I didn’t see you this morning before class.”

“I—” She scratched behind her ear. “I stayed in Laura and Sarah’s room.”

“No, you didn’t.” Kristina rounded the table to sit next to me. “I knocked on their door. They didn’t answer either.”

“Because . . .” Her eyes darted around as if she were stalling before she continued, “Because we all slept in. We were all late for our classes today.” Her hand pointed behind her. “I’m going to grab some food. I’m starving.”

“That’s odd.” Kristina watched her go.

I stabbed my lettuce.

“What’s odd?” Sarah was the first back, only an orange and water bottle in her hands.

“You were late for class today?”

Her forehead wrinkled, and her eyebrows pinched together. “No, we weren’t. We didn’t go. This is us finally getting up.”

Casey had lied.

Kristina glanced to me but asked Sarah, “What’d you guys end up doing last night?”

“Studied downstairs with Kreigerson and Boots until they asked if we wanted to head to a party. We all slept at their house.”

I still didn’t know who these people were.

“Casey told me she stayed in your room and you guys were late for class this morning.”

Sarah laughed, finishing unpeeling her orange. “I don’t know why she did that, but we didn’t and she didn’t. We finally got our asses up an hour ago and had to beg Kreigerson to give us a ride to the dorm. I already skipped one class, no way am I missing the rest of them today.”

Casey and Laura came back, but Kristina didn’t mention anything. They talked about classes. There was more Kreigerson talk, among other guys’ names.

I watched how Kristina’s shoulders slumped farther and farther through lunch. Casey’s lies were hurting her. I held my tongue. Like Linde’s protein/or-whatever-else-it-was shake wasn’t mine, neither was this. And with that final decision, I pushed it out of my mind.

We finished lunch, and I went with the other three to check our mailboxes. After that, we parted ways. I checked my phone. I had enough time to look up local psychology jobs that might be open.

Pop quiz was aced, and I was back to my regular schedule of being a loner.





Missy was studying in Holly’s room. Not surprising.

I was in mine, busy looking for a job. It was the beginning of my search. I’d have to narrow everything down before I even got to the part where I started filling out the applications.

I was going over one more search on the Internet when my phone rang.

I picked it up. “Hello?”

“Don’t you answer your cell phone? Ever?”

It was my brother. I frowned. “No one calls me. Why would I?”

He groaned from frustration. “I did. I have been all day.”

It was Thursday. The rest of Monday through Wednesday had been uneventful, which was glorious in my mind. I was purposely avoiding leaving my room that night because Thursday night was also the beginning of the weekend for the partiers. I still had two classes tomorrow. It wasn’t the beginning of my weekend.

I replied, “Do you need something?”

“Do you know what happened to your friend?”

“Kristina?”

“No, the queen of the slutty ones.”

“Huh?”

“The girl I asked if I could sleep with.”

A light bulb turned on. “Casey?”

“Yeah. Do you know what happened to her? Or what the rumor is?”

Gage always laughed and joked. It was his personality. His humor was missing now, which made me grip the phone tighter to my ear. I felt a tightness forming in my throat, right at the base of it. “What are you talking about?”

But she had lied to Kristina.

I didn’t know what happened after that. I hadn’t seen or gone down to hang out with them. It wasn’t an everyday thing for me. “The last time I saw them was at lunch on Monday. Why?”

“She was raped.”

I hadn’t heard that right. “No. No way.”

He let out a deep breath. “Yes. Yes way. Listen to me.” His voice sounded closer to the phone. “She has to report it. You have to talk to her about it.”

This wasn’t—I was breaking out. I was sweating, even my armpits were feeling it. This was not something I did. “How do you know this? Are you sure? Most rumors aren’t true. We both know this.”

“Listen.”

God, he was so serious. It was freaking me out. Ice settled in the pit of my stomach.

“I’m telling you she was raped. I heard enough to believe it. You have to talk to her.”

This was not my area of expertise. Being alone. Not being included, not getting involved, those were my areas. Hanging out with guys and not flirting or dating them, too. But this—I looked down. My shirt was soaked under both arms.

“I’ll talk to Kristina.”

“Who’s that?”

“My friend! The non-slutty one.” And fuck. We should stop referring to them that way. I amended, “I mean, she doesn’t go out with them that much.”

“I know what you meant.”

“Yeah.”

He was silent a moment, then gave me a quiet, “Yeah.”

I scooted back and pulled my feet up to rest on my desk. My legs were pressed against my chest, and I rested my head against them, the phone still to my ear. “She was raped. Are you sure? Who was it?”

A lone tear slid down my cheek. I didn’t know it was there until it made its trek down.

“She was, and I don’t know for sure. I heard enough to know it was a football player, but that’s it. Be safe, okay? If you go out with them, tell me or tell someone. Just be safe.”

“I will.”

I didn’t say how I wouldn’t go out with them, or how they wouldn’t go out after this, because the truth was that they would. If Casey was raped, and I only kept the ‘if’ there because she hadn’t said the words herself, she was acting as if she hadn’t been.

“Call me if you need anything.”

My fingers felt numb. My lips, too. “I will.” The words tumbled from me.

I felt removed from my body as I hung up, and I sat there. I didn’t know what to do or what the best plan of action even was. Casey wasn’t my friend, not really. I picked up the phone and then put it back down. Should I tell Kristina? Should she handle this?

That was an easy opt-out. It was more right for her to handle this, but Gage called me. He told me.

Shit.

I didn’t want to be the one to say something. Who would? Casey could hate me. She could yell at me, or hurl things at me. I didn’t know what she would do. This was like telling a friend her boyfriend had cheated on her, but a hundred times worse. Or maybe not. Maybe she’d dissolve into tears, happy that someone else knew and someone else understood.

I sucked in a ragged breath.

I didn’t plan on it, but I watched as I reached for my cell phone. My finger pulled up Shay’s number and pressed the call button.

I was so glad Missy wasn’t in the room. That was an afterthought as I heard it ring.

A second later, he answered, “Yeah?”

I didn’t reply. My throat wasn’t working.

“Clarke?” he barked into the phone.

I still didn’t say anything, but I sniffled. Another tear slid free, and I flicked it away.

“Kennedy?” He softened his tone.

Why did I call him? I hated him.

Then I asked, my voice making myself grimace, I sounded so raw, “You were pro-choice.”

“Huh?” There was loud music in the background, and he added, “Hold on.” A moment later, the music faded. His voice was louder. “You’re asking about the abortion issues? Do we need to know about it for tomorrow?”

“Linde said his sister was raped. I was wondering why you were pro-choice.”

He was silent.

Then, “Are you pregnant?”