Falling

I DIDN’T SLEEP THAT NIGHT. I couldn’t face Jordon or either one of the Lincolns. All night long I watched a gentle wind wave leaves in front of the streetlight outside my window. My emotions swung from anger to betrayal to hurt to guilt. Jordan had held onto my brother the whole time and I had never even questioned him on it, even though I had felt like something wasn’t quite right. Thinking of Lincoln scared and trapped made me cry but thinking I had betrayed him by falling for Jordan made me sob. And despite all of that the idea of losing him still hurt.

  I wanted to pull my hair out.

  There was no reasonable conclusion to come to; there was no excuse for what Jordan had done and no way that I could continue to see him. Lincoln had changed and I didn’t know if he could ever change back to the way he had been. My bracelets shined in the weak light beginning to pour in my window. My wrists were raw from all my attempts to pull them off and finally I realized I would somehow have to get Jordan to take them off himself.

  Before Linc and Grandma got up for the day, I snuck into the shower and let myself cry one final time. I tried to empty myself of the anger I felt over falling for Jordan and the guilt I felt for letting any harm come to my brother.

  But when I got out of the shower and saw my face, all the anger I had been fighting surged forward. I looked like a retouched picture of myself. Even wet my hair was a brighter, shiny color. My eyes were larger and the dark lashes framing them were twice as long and thick as they had been. My skin was flawless and even my eyebrows were perfectly arched. I once again doubted Jordan didn’t have anything to do with my new look.

  A frumpy hairstyle and pair of glasses wasn’t going to hide my transformation anymore so I just combed my hair out straight and got dressed. If anyone asked, which I doubted they would pick now to start talking to me, I would say it was makeup.

  Grandma didn’t wake up so I left her the usual breakfast on the table. Linc and I ate in silence. I kept glancing up to see if he looked angry with me but his face was gray and pinched and I could tell he hadn’t slept well.

  The drive to school was just as silent and not very good for my mood. Every thought went back to Jordan and what he had to do with Lincoln being hurt and missing. I knew he had taken him, I knew he had hid him, I just didn’t know why. He claimed he had held onto Lincoln instead of giving him back right away so he would have an excuse to meet me … but that didn’t make any sense now that I knew he had taken my brother prisoner for almost two weeks. If he knew me half as well as claimed he did, he would have known how I angry I would be. I couldn’t make sense of it, but then again, I really didn’t know everything Jordan was capable of.

  And it hurt to think of him like that because as angry I was, as much as I no longer trusted him, I was still in love with him. I had been half in love with him the moment I had met him. My whole life was taking care of my family in my mom’s place and pretty much being ignored. And then he had shown up and somehow not only given me what I wanted most—my brother back—but what I wanted second most: a life other than being everyone’s nurse and maid and cook. He was a friend, he cared about me (in a twisted way), he wanted to know what I thought and how I felt.

  Or at least that’s what he wanted me to think. I felt like a total idiot.

  I almost couldn’t stand to be at school. My anger and self-loathing plus everyone’s staring made for a painful day. Shutting myself in Lincoln’s truck at the end of the day was like balm to a burn.

  Until one of his friends knocked on my window. Reluctantly, I rolled it down. “Linc hasn’t made it out of school yet,” I said, pointing at the empty driver’s seat.

  “Oh, I know,” Kyle said cheerfully. “I wanted to talk to you.”

  “Oh,” I said, disappointed.

  “I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies on Friday.”

  “That’s not a good idea,” I said quickly, a little too quickly.

  “Oh,” he said with a fallen face.

  “‘Cause I don’t think Lincoln would like that,” I rushed to amend.

  “I already asked him!” he told me, smile back in place.

  I groaned inwardly and cursed Lincoln for not warning me, which of course brought back the tidal wave of guilt. I had potentially unleashed some type of non-human on him and I was pissed he didn’t warn me some guy was going to ask me to a movie?

  “Right. Well, I still think it’s kind of not a good idea right now. I’m … I’m grounded.”

  Jimmy frowned. “Oh. Lincoln didn’t mention that when I asked him.”

  “Well, you know, probably just respecting my privacy or something.”

  “Okay,” he said glumly. “Let me know when you’re free?”

  “Sure,” I lied. He actually looked kind of dejected as he walked away and I managed to feel a little amazed. And annoyed. I had known Kyle since I had started school, he and Lincoln had been friends that long. And that was how long he had been ignoring me. Until now, now that I had some freakish super beauty thing going on. My list of things to be pissed about seemed to be growing exponentially.

  Walking in the door at home, I could see Grandma had been up to more than the usual while we were gone. All the food I had left her for breakfast was neatly stacked on one side of the sink and all the dishes on the other. In between, the sink had overflowed with water and bubbles.

  Linc didn’t offer to help me clean up, but then again, he never did.

  Grandma slept through dinner and Linc and I ate in silence.

  “I’m going to a bonfire tonight,” he said when he finished eating. He left his dishes on the table and slammed out the door. I slammed around cleaning the dishes until I broke one on accident. With a sigh I cleaned that up too and resumed cleaning the dishes with a little less anger. But I refused to answer the phone when my dad called that night.

  I had pretty much dealt with my feelings of anger and resentment towards him over the last few years but that didn’t mean I liked him. And I didn’t. He could read his mail his own damn self when he got home.

  I expected and got into a fight with Grandma when she finally woke up. But I wasn’t angry with her, just worried. Getting her to sit at the table to eat a meal reduced her to tears and her shower had her in hysterics. I finally resorted to something I hadn’t before—Ativan. The doctor had given her the prescription when she was first diagnosed and acting out. It had been filled and then the little bottle tucked way up high in the kitchen cupboard. I hadn’t needed to give her one—until tonight.

  I carefully read the instructions on the bottle, split a pill in half, ground it between two spoons and sprinkled it into a cup of tea. I felt bad watching her drink it so happily but I didn’t know what else to do. She had taken everything out of the drawers in her room and arranged them in piles on every surface. Her hands had been totally covered in ink from relentless copying and behind the downstairs toilet I had found a phonebook with every single page ripped out.

  I set Dr. Webber’s business card next to the phone, not that I would need a reminder to call him first thing in the morning.

  The medicine kicked in suddenly at nine o’clock. One minute Grandma was un-knotting a crocheted lap blanket and the next she was slumped over on the couch. I settled in to wait for Linc to get home to help me get her upstairs.

  I worried as I waited. He had hardly spoken to me or anyone since realizing someone had died in his place and had been buried in his grave. I couldn’t blame him for being upset or scared. Guilt washed over me again.

  Fifteen minutes later Lincoln slammed back in the house. I could hear him sniffling and swearing under his breath. Scared, I jumped out of my chair and ran into the kitchen.

  “Linc, you okay?” I asked, alarmed by his pale face and red eyes.

  “No, I’m not.” He leaned against the counter and put his head in his hands.

  “What’s wrong? Did something happen?” I asked, searching him over.

  Lincoln jerked away from me. “Nothing happened, there was nothing out there, there was no
thing to be scared of and I still ran away like a scared little kid.”

  “Ran away from where?” I asked.

  “The woods, Bixby!” he shouted in my face. “Look at me, I’m a grown man, I’m strong, I’m the best at everything and I can’t even sit around a fire at night with twenty of my friends.” His face slumped. “This is crazy. I’m crazy.” He put his head back in his hands.

  I put a shaking hand on his shoulder and tried to swallow down the dry lump in my throat. I had to tell him.

  “Linc, you’re not crazy. But I have to tell you something that does sound crazy …” I didn’t know how to continue.

  He looked up at me, his eyes shining from tears.

  “Oh God, Linc,” I said, my eyes tearing up as well. “The man, or person, or whatever, that you’ve been dreaming about … his name is Jordan.”

  Understanding lit his eyes. “I remember him telling me that.”

  “He’s not really a human, but he’s not a demon either. And he wasn’t trying to hurt you.” I had to force out the next words. “He was trying to get closer to me.”

  Lincoln shook his head slowly. “Bixby, how do you know this? Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “I thought I was crazy at first! I mean, I really thought I was losing my mind.” I wiped my tears off my cheeks and pushed my hair off my face. “And then, I got to know him but I didn’t know he had purposely held on to you, I didn’t know that until today.”

  “Purposely held onto me?” he repeated bitterly. “You mean kidnapped me, kept me a prisoner for almost two weeks.”

  “I didn’t know,” I whispered.

  Lincoln shoved off the counter and turned towards me. “What do you know, Bixby? Cause you seem to know an awful lot about something I thought was just a bad dream.”

  “I know what he is. I know why he did that to you.” I could see the anger building in my brother’s face.

  “Why?”

  “Because of me. He wanted to get closer to me,” I repeated.

  Linc stepped closer, forcing me back along the counter. “And how close did you two get?”

  I couldn’t say anything.

  “I asked you if you were secretly seeing someone. It was him? You’ve been dating the guy that held me prisoner for two weeks?” His voice went up a decibel with each word. Both his cheeks and eyes flamed. “How could you do that to me, Bixby?” he roared.

  I cowered back. “I didn’t know,” I tried to tell him. But deep down I knew some part of me had known. “I’m sorry—”

  “Don’t,” he cut me off. “I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to hear anything from you.”

  He stormed back through the garage and out to his truck. I heard him gun it and peel out as I stood in the kitchen crying quietly. I wanted him to come back so I could explain, but what could I possibly say to him? And I knew Lincoln, he wouldn’t be back until the next day.

  Grandma hadn’t woken up during our argument and there was no way I could bring her upstairs by myself so I just brought her pillow and quilt down and made her bed up on the couch. She was so deeply snoring I didn’t worry about her waking up before I got up in the morning.

  Scared and angry, I got myself ready for bed. I knew a bigger confrontation was awaiting me in my dreams and I was ready to finally see Jordan again.

  My mind finally let me fall asleep sometime after midnight and I woke up with dread in the fortress.

  Chapter 19