The Last Tiger

  But these were things that had been, not what was to come, he decided. Moving here would mean concentrating on more important things than deadlines and secrecy and image. He could keep working but at a new pace, and fill most of his time with family. All sense of obligation would be gone, all except that which he chose to retain. And the house would soon be warm, he thought, filled with laughter, running footsteps drowning out the creaks. He would make it a home before he showed it to Bee for he knew empty spaces made her uncomfortable. The view from the back of the bumboat of a forsaken beach and deserted huts reoccurred in her dreams; nightmares of empty streets and empty corridors; of abandonment. Everyone knew it, including Boyce. Ian Boyce. He knew how she felt yet had been selfish enough to make her live in a renovation project as they gutted it. Tuan determined to be different, to show his thoughtful self. But what should he do about that house? About their house? If Boyce remained it would spoil the view. Perhaps he would choose to leave, after all Boyce’s own view would be no more bearable.

  Tuan stood up and stretched, tired from so much alcohol. He could hear Wilson moving around and knew it was time to leave. Racked with impatience, he prepared to suffer it. Until the baby was born there was nothing to be done but wait. Get organised and wait.

  *

  It had been a funny day, but good. That morning the antenatal class had proved more fun than expected, mostly due to the unexpected presence of an old classmate, Anne-Marie. She had never been an especially close companion but they had enough in common to chat comfortably about schooldays and the past, their mutual condition taking care of the present. Excited to discover their babies were due within a week of each other, they exchanged numbers. And there was a second surprise. Assuming she would be one of the oldest there, Bee discovered she was almost the youngest. She’d smiled privately, wishing Nana were a fly on the wall. She would be horrified to find women pregnant with their first child at an age their grandmothers would have been becoming just that.

  Once home Bee spent time on her novel, now a number of years in the writing as Boyce was quick to point out, but suddenly so close to completion. She was relishing pulling the plot together in a near frenzy of typing. A literary agent had responded to her submission. It was certainly not the jackpot, not yet, but it felt like it.

  After several hours of typing, Bee needed a break and pulling on some boots and grabbing a jacket, she went for a walk along the footpath running up and across the steep bank of fields behind the house. The sky was not the arching brilliant blue it could have been, but bright enough to raise the spirits. Equally, the air was not bracingly crisp in the way it could so often be in early spring, but soft. In short, the weather was nice: unremarkable, gentle and easy. Crocuses bloomed and the first daffodils were ready to open. In the valley, trees appeared bare, but Bee knew they all carried the first few buds of life. After admiring the view from the top of the hill, she made her way home feeling almost content. As she walked, she glanced across the valley at the Hall. Such a grand place.

  Once inside she struggled off her boots, damp from the long grass, and placed them on the warm hearth. After restocking the fire that she always left burning gently throughout the day, she kneeled and watched as embers brightened under the force of the bellows, a Victorian heirloom her Nana had wanted her to have. Then she locked the door. Boyce would be late.

  Bee enjoyed these times. She could eat what she wanted when she wanted and pass the evening in front of the television or with a good book, uninterrupted and without interrogation. Life with Boyce was materially comfortable but his presence made it hard to enjoy. She flopped down, stretching out on the sofa ready to call her mother, desperate to share news of the agent. But just as she began to dial, the doorbell rang. Bee heaved a weary sigh and answered it.

  Standing there in a still silence with the cold air rushing in around her, she felt sick.

  ‘Hello Bee.’

  She hoped Tuan would not notice the pounding of her heart, for these were the things he always observed in others. Arms tightly folded, locked across her body, she fought against the evening chill and prepared to fight against him.

  ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Please.’

  Bee felt a tremor of unease, ‘Ian will be back soon. Please go. Besides, I was about to eat.’ She noticed he smiled, ‘And it’s nearly ready,’ she lied.

  ‘I won’t stay long. I want to talk to you.’

  ‘Think how Ian would feel if he found you here. You know how he feels about you… about me seeing you.’

  ‘You told him, about us? That night.’

  ‘Shh!’

  ‘Is he here?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Did you tell him?’

  ‘Of course not. Please go. If you care for me at all then you’ll leave.’

  ‘Tell him, Bee.’

  ‘Why do you do this? Why do you keep coming here?’ She tightened the fold of her arms, ‘Listen to me, please go. Especially if that is all you want to talk about. You can’t pick me up and put me down whenever it suits you. Not now. I can’t let you treat me that way anymore. Ian and I have a life together. You need to respect that.’

  Bee’s eyes darted along the road, looking for headlights, just in case.

  ‘You sound like something out of a B film,’ Tuan laughed at his pun. ‘Bee, there was a time I would have just walked away and taken you at your word. But I remember what you said to me that night we were together and I know that can’t have changed. Stuff like that doesn’t just disappear. I know you, and probably better than you do. You have changed since you’ve been with Boyce. I want you back, the real Bee. For your sake as much as mine.’

  ‘Well you certainly don’t change. Arrogant as ever.’

  ‘Bee. It’s cold. You’re cold. Can’t we talk inside? I promise if he comes back I’ll slip out. He won’t see me.’

  ‘And make me feel like a total bitch all over again?’

  ‘Bee! Just let me in. It’s only me. Not a fucking monster.’

  ‘Look, why don’t I see you another time?’ She tried to soften but it came out sounding weak. ‘Maybe at Mum and Dad’s place? Or we could have a drink with Pappy and Nana? Or I’ll see you at theirs again. That was nice, wasn’t it? We can talk then, if you like, but not now. I just cannot let you in, don’t you understand?’

  ‘Cannot let me in? It is your house as well as his.’

  ‘I don’t want to let you in. I wish you would stop turning up like this.’

  ‘Do you?’

  Bee was silent.

  ‘I could just walk in,’ he said, stepping closer and filling the shallow porch.

  ‘And you say you are not a monster?’ she said, eyes bright with tears. ‘Is this any way to treat me?’ Bee stepped forward and pulled the door almost to a close behind her, feeling the cold strike up through her socks.

  Tuan stood his ground. ‘Be fair, Bee. I only want to set things straight. I am trying to put right a wrong. I am not the bad guy. And for goodness sake, you’re having my baby.’

  ‘It’s not your baby, you know that.’

  ‘I do?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘I don’t believe you.’

  ‘But you know it can’t be yours, Tuan. You’re messing with my head, that’s all.’

  Tuan reached out and put his hand on the side of her face and held it there, cupping her cheek. ‘And how is the baby?’ He smiled.

  ‘Fine.’ It was barely a whisper.

  ‘Can I touch it?’

  ‘There’s not much of a bump.’ Bee pushed his hand from her face, but he placed it on her belly.

  ‘I can feel something. Definitely.’

  ‘Fat.’ Bee flushed.

  ‘Baby.’

  ‘Yes… well. You know… it’s starting.’

  ‘Why don’t you come and see me in London for a few days. Not to stay with me, the house isn’t fit for guests anymore, but we could go to the studio and
look at the dress and so on.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘But the dress.’

  Again Bee stood silently.

  ‘You’re not backing out, surely? Do you know how many women would give their right arm for me to design their wedding dress?’

  ‘I didn’t say I didn’t want you to do it, but Ian… oh, you know…’

  ‘Ian? Fuck Ian.’ Tuan stepped back, angrily, ‘Oh, I forgot. You do.’

  ‘I’m going in.’ Bee said, shaking her head in dismay, ‘You’re in one of those moods again, and you stink of booze.’ She opened the door and stepped back inside, giving Tuan a final scowl. ‘Go home.’

  ‘Well that was what I wanted to talk to you about,’ he said, coolly.

  Bee shut the door.

  Inside she collapsed on the sofa in tears. Again Tuan had upset the balance she had so carefully restored. She got up and tossed another log onto the fire and shuffled to the kitchen to put a pizza in the oven. Peeking into the night through the shutters, red eyed and puffy faced, she saw Tuan sat on the wall with his back to the house.

  Each time she checked he was there.

  INFINITE CONSEQUENCES

  ‘Was that lover boy I saw outside last night?’

  ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘On the wall.’ Boyce threw some toast onto Bee’s plate.

  Unlike Tuan, he did not notice her heart shifting the fabric of her nightclothes as it pounded.

  ‘Maybe. He did come here last night, fairly early evening I guess, but I wouldn’t let him in. You were very late home, you know. I doubt he would spend all night sat on a wall. At least, I don’t think he would.’

  ‘Nor do I.’ The response was sharp, and direct.

  ‘Anyway, as I said, I didn’t ask him in.’ She bit into a piece of toast, trying to appear normal.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Why what?’

  ‘Why didn’t you ask him in? He’s your friend isn’t he? Or so you keep telling me.’

  ‘I dunno. These days we don’t seem to get on quite as well as we used to.’

  ‘So you don’t plan on disappearing up to London with him anytime soon, then?’

  There was something in the way he spoke that made Bee apprehensive. In fact, everything about him was making her feel uncomfortable. ‘Of course not. He’ll have to fend for himself for a while, I have other things to think about.’ She smiled, and patted the place where the growing baby lay snug and safe, hoping to shift attention and lighten the mood. ‘Why are you giving me such a dirty look?’

  ‘I wasn’t.’

  ‘Ian, I don’t know why he came here, he kept trying to come in, seemed interested in the baby and stuff, but… well… I really don’t know what it was he wanted.’

  ‘You don’t think it is a bit odd, him coming here like that? I mean, if you aren’t getting on too well. Why come to the middle of nowhere just to talk? He could have phoned.’

  ‘It’s not the middle of nowhere.’

  ‘Compared to London it is.’

  ‘I expect he was in the area. He sees a lot of Pappy and this is sort of en route. But I really don’t know why he came, I never gave him the chance to tell me.’

  ‘So you didn’t speak to him? At all?’

  There was that tone again. Bee sensed a trap. ‘No.’

  ‘Not a word?’

  ‘Not really.’

  ‘Not really as in “no, you didn’t”, or not really as in “yes, you did”?’

  She took a deep breath, ‘Just not really as in not really.’

  ‘Except that he kept trying to come in and was interested in the baby. So you didn’t exactly ignore him, did you? At the very least you admit that you opened the door. Yes, exactly. So are you saying that you opened it and then, what? Just shut it again without speaking?’

  ‘I love you,’ Bee offered.

  Boyce turned to face her, and sighed, ‘I love you too, sweetheart. Cuppa?’

  With a sinking heart Bee recognised his tone had changed too quickly. ‘Yes please.’

  ‘You look tired. Late night?’

  ‘No,’ she said, nervously, ‘I had an early night. The first trimester is always the most tiring, apparently.’

  He filled the kettle. ‘Well technically you’re out of it, aren’t you? Second trimester now.’

  Bee stood up, ‘Back in a minute, I need the loo.’

  ‘It’s that baby,’ Boyce smiled. ‘Hormones.’

  As she climbed the stairs she knew his smile was wrong. In the bathroom she sat for a while, even though her bladder had emptied, allowing time for him to settle.

  When Bee returned she found he had taken the seat next to hers, two mugs of steaming tea already on the table. Reluctantly she sat down and finished her breakfast. Every mouthful of toast or clink of crockery jarred the silence. She tried her best to think of a topic that wouldn’t automatically lead back to Tuan, and gave up.

  Eventually Boyce spoke. ‘What are you up to today? In or out?’ His words had an artificial cheeriness about them.

  ‘Bit of both. I need to finish an article, after that I thought I would do some more on my book. That reminds me,’ she said, gasping in relief at the natural diversion that had presented itself. ‘I haven’t told you. I heard back from an agent. Look.’ Bee got up and retrieved a printed email from behind a fridge magnet and sat down to show him.

  He read it and seemed genuinely pleased. ‘Well done. Better get busy then,’ he smiled, ‘I mean it, well done. You’ve worked hard. You deserve it.’

  She returned his smile warmly and inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe everything would be okay after all. ‘Thanks,’ she said, ‘So what does the day hold for you?’

  ‘Oh, this and that.’ His face brightened, ‘Actually I have a meeting planned, one of those where I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the guy doesn’t show up. Why don’t you come with me, that way we could have a nice meal if it doesn’t work out? It’s in the city.’

  Bee hesitated before answering. If she went then Tuan may come and she would miss him. It was a fleeting thought and without bias or conclusion, but Ian appeared to register the pause.

  ‘Forget it, I’ll go on my own.’

  ‘No… no, don’t. I’d love to come. I was just thinking about my book, about writing today… editing… that’s all. I’ll bring my laptop. That’s what it’s for.’

  He seemed unconvinced.

  ‘I said I would come. I want to come. Why are you so cross with me today?’

  Boyce sighed heavily, ‘I don’t know Belle, why don’t you tell me. You seem to have an answer for everything. Oh no, I forgot, that’s the wrong way around. You don’t actually have an answer for anything.’

  ‘Don’t call me Belle.’

  ‘Why? Because he calls you Belle, when you’re having a lover’s tiff?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You heard. I know so much about you two it makes me sick. Our whole lives have been Tuan, Tuan and more fucking Tuan.’

  ‘Ian…’

  ‘Piss off.’

  ‘Don’t speak to me like that.’

  ‘No, I mean it Bee. Just piss off.’

  ‘There’s no need to swear at me.’

  ‘What? You think the fucking baby can hear?’

  She looked at him, astonished, but reached out a hand and placed it on his arm anyway. ‘I’m sorry, okay? Let’s just start again.’

  His face set hard, ‘Tell me Bee, are you seeing him? Because I really think you are.’

  ‘No I am not, not in the way you mean.’

  ‘Ah, so you are seeing him. In some other way?’

  ‘Why are you always trying to twist things?’ Bee felt her stomach tighten, ‘Why are you suddenly so obsessed with Tuan? I thought we had got passed this, years ago. I thought we agreed?’

  Alluding to what had been was a miscalculation; an ill thought out argument in the panic of the moment. Drawing on a past they had
both tried so hard to leave behind served only to drag it to the fore. Bee had left him, briefly – so briefly no one else ever knew – but had been persuaded home with a tearful promise fulfilled ever since. But now she saw in Boyce’s face the old demon that had driven her away, that which had caused such terror and from which there would now be no escape. Inwardly she began shrinking. Outwardly she made a final attempt at saving herself with the truth.

  ‘He keeps turning up when you’re out. I didn’t want to say anything. I thought I could handle it without you.’ She was deferential. He preferred a subservient attitude at times like these. ‘I wanted to tell you, but I was worried about how it would seem.’

  ‘Well that was stupid, wasn’t it? You should have told me. You know you can tell me anything.’

  ‘You’re right, I should have spoken to you about it. You could have helped. I’m sorry. It’s such a relief to tell you.’ Bee could feel her eyes filling. She remembered thinking, as she and Boyce froze in front of the barbeque, that she would never tell no matter what. And now she had.

  ‘Of course I could have helped. Bee, I don’t know why you always feel you have to handle everything alone. Anyway, I am glad you feel better now you have told me.’

  ‘I do. I’ve been so worried about it all, about you. It can’t be good for the baby.’ She wiped away a rolling tear and tried to smile, ‘Listen, I think I’ll get dressed. Then we can go out. Okay? My lap-top is charged.’

  He put a hand on her shoulder and spoke steadily, ‘Darling, we haven’t finished talking. You can get dressed in a minute, there’s plenty of time. We don’t need to be anywhere.’

  Bee knew they had passed the point of no return.

  ‘I want to know the real reason you didn’t tell me, Bee.’

  Was it a decision he consciously made, she wondered, because she never could bring him back once he was resolved to do it.

  ‘You can tell me, whatever it is.’

  Bee could find nothing to say. They looked at one another, and then the pretence was over. He punched the table first.

  ‘I knew it. You fucking whore!’

  He had been so good at controlling his temper in recent years that Bee had almost forgotten how frightening he could be.

  ‘Ian. Don’t say that. I just thought… I just thought you’d be upset. Knowing that he’d been here, that’s all. I told you.’

  ‘Upset? Upset?’ Suddenly he was bellowing. ‘How many times? How many times Bee!’