Sweet Surrendering

  “You sure you’re okay?” I said as I got dressed.

  “Hm?” He looked up from where he was sitting on the other side of the bed putting on his shoes. I walked over to him and stood between his legs, then gently knocked on his head.

  “Anyone home in there? What is up with you, Lucah?”

  “Family business,” he said, putting his head into my stomach and hugging me around the waist as if he didn’t want to let me go.

  “Your brother?”

  He sighed and lifted his head.

  “He’s a pain in my ass that won’t go away,” he said. “I’m lending him some money so he can get his own place and so he’ll get off my back. I also volunteered to help him get a job, which was an incredibly stupid thing for me to do. So that means that some of my time with you will be given to him, and I resent him for taking me away from you. And then I feel like a dick for resenting my brother for not having his shit together and for my parents dying and not being here to deal with it.” He seemed to realize that he just mentioned his dead parents for the first time and then ducked his head again.

  “I didn’t know that about your parents,” I said, stroking his hair back.

  “It was a few years ago. House fire. The smoke detectors worked, but they didn’t wake up.”

  “Oh, Lucah. I’m so sorry.” I wanted to cry, but I held back.

  “I know you are, Sunshine. You’re one of the only people that I know truly means that. So anyway, Tate has given up helping with Ryder, so it falls on me.”

  “Family comes first, you know how crazy I am with mine. You have to do what you have to do. I’ll be fine. I’m not one of those girls.”

  “You’re the best kind of girl,” he said into my stomach.

  “Aw, thanks,” I said, leaning down to give him a kiss. “Okay, I have to get to that place. See you in a little while.”

  “See you,” he said, making the kiss linger and make me want to call both of us in as “sick”. Yeah, that wouldn’t be suspicious at all.

  He was late. If there were two things I knew about Lucah Blaine, it was that first, he was an oral sex god, and second, he was never late.

  I called his cell phone, but he didn’t answer. When he was ten minutes late, I was freaking out and I’d called and texted and was about ready to start using skywriters or smoke signals or Morse code.

  Then I got a text back from him.

  Almost there. Dealing with brother. Oh thank God. My mind had gone to worst-case scenario and I was about to start calling hospitals.

  Need time off? He’d never asked for any before, but if he needed it, I’d get it for him, especially for this.

  No. Be there soon. Need LOTS of coffee tonight.

  I typed back a smiley face and put my phone down and counted the minutes until he walked in. I motioned for him to come in my office, and he did, closing the door.

  “Is everything okay?” He didn’t say anything, but came around the desk and kissed me hard. Then he pulled back and rested his forehead on mine.

  “I needed that.” He backed away and sat down.

  “Yes, I’m fine.” I got a smile that wasn’t quite convincing, but I couldn’t ask him about it again or else I would risk making him mad, so I just smiled and told him to get his ass to his desk.

  “Coffee. You and me. Later,” I said as he closed the door.

  “Yes, Miss Clarke.”

  I spent the rest of the day putting out fires, looking at expense reports and wondering when the hell I was going to meet this mysterious brother. I mean, part of me didn’t want to meet him, but part of me really did. But I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask Lucah about it and bring a sore subject up.

  Chloe and Marisol had come over to have dinner with Sloane, so they were all there when I got home and they had clearly been talking about me because they froze when I walked in the door like three deer in a set of headlights.

  “Well, don’t stop talking about me just because I walk in,” I said before one of them could recover and make up a story about what they’d been talking about.

  “I told them,” Sloane said, not looking at me. “But to be fair, they figured it out. It’s your fault for having smart friends.” Yeah, that was exactly the problem. I guess I hadn’t been as stealthy as I thought.

  “It was really obvious,” Marisol said.

  “What she said,” Chloe echoed. Je-sus Christ.

  I set my bag down and joined them on the couch with a huge sigh.

  “So you knew? The whole time I’ve been pretending and you already knew?” What a waste of time lying had been. Oh God. If they hadn’t been fooled then maybe Lucah and I were really terrible liars. What if people at the office . . .

  “What’s wrong with you? You look like you’re going to pass out,” Sloane said, coming and putting her hand on my forehead like I was a kid with a fever.

  “Was I that bad at lying?”

  “No, it wasn’t that. We just saw the chemistry between you two and we knew that it wouldn’t be over after just one night. And honestly? Telling us he wasn’t that great in bed? Huge red flag, woman,” Marisol said, rolling her eyes.

  “Amen. Plus, I knew that you had to be somewhere at night and I knew it wasn’t at the office, so you had to be with a guy and what guy would you be with that you wouldn’t tell us about? Process of elimination, really,” Chloe said. Damn. I did have smart friends.

  “Okay, well now that’s out in the open, I need some advice.” I gave them the rundown of Lucah and the brother situation and the developments from this morning.

  “It’s such a sore subject right now, so I think I should avoid it, but he says that he wants to be with me, and if we’re going to be together, I think I should meet his brother, right? That’s how relationships should work.”

  They all agreed, but then said that it was shaky ground and that maybe I should wait until the situation had settled before I asked about it. I agreed, and then it was time for them to treat me like a Barbie and dress me up to go see Lucah.

  I ended up wearing a lot more makeup than I would have, and wearing a more-flashy outfit than I normally did, and they also packed me a nightie. Most of the time I just wore Lucah’s shirt or nothing at all when we slept, but he might enjoy that, so I took it with me.

  They all wished me good sex and I wished I had time to ask Marisol about any Fin developments, but I didn’t. Fin had texted me a few times, but he was off in Europe again, so the messages were few and far between. Lucah asked me if I had heard from him, but I said not really and I could tell he was happy about that.

  Lucah may not be one of those guys who would punch another guy for looking at me, but he was definitely glad Fin was in Europe.

  Lucah attacked me as soon as I walked through the door. No hello. No greeting. Just shoved me up against the door, shoved his tongue in my mouth and a few minutes later his dick was shoved inside me as well. What a greeting.

  “Hello. Is. Customary,” I panted as he pounded into me and I bit his shoulder to contain my screams. I didn’t want his neighbor knocking on the door again.

  “Hello. Miss. Clarke,” he said as he stiffened and then came. I hadn’t, but I knew he would more than make up for it later. I slid down him as I unlocked my legs from around his waist.

  He rested his head on top of mine and I could tell he was upset.

  “What’s wrong? Not that I don’t enjoy ambush door sex as much as the next girl, but you seem down.” He stepped away from me without a word and went to the bathroom.

  Uh oh. I’d never seen this side of him and I didn’t really know how to handle it. Somehow I didn’t think a blowjob and/or me making jokes was going to help. I went to the bathroom and knocked on the door.

  “Lucah. Please talk to me.” The door opened and he let me in. I sat on the edge of the tub as he paced. There wasn’t a whole lot of room for pacing, but he was doing it anyway.

  “It’s not just this thing with Ryder, Rory. There’s a whole bunch of things that . . .
I didn’t mean . . . Why did it have to be you?” He stopped in front of me and then put his hands on both sides of my face.

  “Why did you have to be you?”

  “Is that a trick question?” I said as he stared at me so deep that I felt like he could see all of my secrets and there was one that I wasn’t ready for him to know yet.

  “No, Sunshine. Forget it.” I didn’t want to. He was going through something and I wanted to help. I just wanted him to talk to me. And then it seemed as if whatever had him pacing a moment ago was pushed aside and he frowned.

  “Why are you wearing so much makeup?”

  We were avoiding. Don’t get me wrong, avoiding talking about commitment by having fabulous sex was fun, but sooner or later . . .

  I loved him. Over the moon, past the stars, couldn’t breathe, smiled whenever I thought about him, couldn’t keep my hands off him, pictured a wedding and ginger babies and growing old and rocking chairs love. He drove me crazy, made me laugh and understood me in a way that few people did.

  I fucking loved him and I wanted everyone to know it. Except Lucah, of course. He was the last person I wanted to know that I loved him. Second only to my dad.

  So I told Sloane.

  “I knew it. I told you so. How’s it feel?”

  I answered truthfully.

  “Awful.”

  We both laughed.

  “Yup, that’s love. Ah, I’d forgotten how much it sucks. You have my sympathies.” I was going to need them. “Are you going to tell him?”

  “I’ll have to, at some point. He’s not a moron, he’s going to figure it out. So I love him and I can’t say the words out loud and he’s still hiding things from me and not sharing them with me and it pisses me off because I love him and want to have his ginger babies.”

  Sloane gave me a sympathetic face and a hug and offered to make more breakup cake, but I didn’t think that would help. She made the cake anyway, and I was not going to turn down free cake.

  There was a knock at the door as I stuffed myself with chocolate, and Sloane went up to get it.

  “Emergency girls’ night!” Marisol announced, holding up two bottles of wine. Chloe came behind her with a bag full of movies and the game Cards Against Humanity.

  I almost started crying as they forced a glass of wine into my hand and started making even more fattening and delicious snacks.

  I could avoid for a little bit longer. He seemed to be doing it.

  Lucah texted me when I was on my third glass and I was a wee bit tipsy.

  Have to deal with family tomorrow night. Sorry, Sunshine.

  I didn’t really have a response for that, so I just typed out Ok, see you tomorrow. I wasn’t drunk enough to not be able to text, but I was getting there.

  We had somehow turned Cards Against Humanity into a drinking game, but I was still unsure of the rules, so whenever someone told me to drink, I did.

  By the time we got to the second bottle of wine, I was definitely buzzed and feeling good. Warm and fuzzy and kind of in love with everyone. I wouldn’t stop hugging Chloe and she kept threatening to make out with me if I didn’t stop.

  “We need more wine,” Sloane said as she poured the last into my glass. I tossed it back and she stumbled to the kitchen and found another bottle.

  “Score!” We all cheered as she filled up our glasses again.

  An hour later, I was completely toasted. I hadn’t been this gone in a very long time. Maybe not since college. It was kind of nice. My phone buzzed and I picked it up. It was another text from Lucah.

  Missing you.

  I had an impulse and hit his number and before I knew it, he was picking up and saying, “Hello?”

  “I love you. I love you and it sucks because now I’m going to lose my job and all our kids are going to have red hair and I want at least one of them to be blonde, but they’ll probably all have red hair and you’re keeping secrets from me and I love you.” I hung up before he could say anything and he called me back a second later, but I tossed my phone on the table and ignored it.

  “You tell him!” Sloane said from her position on the floor. She had been sitting on a chair, but now she was on the floor. I found this wildly funny and we all laughed until we forgot what we were laughing about.

  “I’m drunk,” Marisol said.

  “Me too.” Chloe moaned and put her head on my shoulder.

  We were all drunk.

  “Fuck you, sun,” was the first thing I heard the next morning. We’d ended up either on the couch or on the floor.

  “Why did we do that?” I finally opened my eyes and instantly regretted it.

  “Fuck you, sun,” I said as everyone else moaned and groaned and tried to get up.

  We all had to work today, but we were all hopelessly hung over. Damn wine. My phone buzzed and I reached for it, squinting at the clock.

  “SHIT!” I was supposed to be at work five minutes ago.

  “Why is there screaming?” Chloe moaned as I struggled to get to my feet while my head pounded and my stomach heaved. Nothing short of a miracle was going to get me into the office today. I hadn’t called in sick in two years, but there was absolutely no way I could go in. I grabbed a glass of water to wash my mouth out with and then called my dad.

  “Hey, Dad. I just wanted to let you know that I can’t come in today. I’m just not feeling well.” This wasn’t a lie at all and I hoped he heard it in my voice, and didn’t figure out what caused it.

  “Oh, Rory. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah, just need another day. Will you let everyone know?”

  “Of course, of course. You never take a day off and I always worry that you’re going to burn out before you’re old enough to burn out. You take some time and we’ll take care of everything here.”

  “Thanks, Dad. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.” He hung up and I saw that I had about twenty texts and missed calls from Lucah. How had none of us heard my phone? I scrolled through the messages and then it came back to me.

  Oh . . . SHIT.

  JE-SUS CHRIST.

  I had told Lucah I loved him. Also that I wanted to have his ginger babies. I TOLD HIM THAT I LOVED HIM.

  My stomach finally woke all the way up and I had to run to the bathroom. I wasn’t sure if it was the wine or the unintended declaration that made me puke, but I ended up in the bathroom for the next hour, with Sloane and Marisol taking turns holding my hair and bringing me water.

  I told him that I loved him.

  Fuck.

  “Are you feeling any better?” Sloane tiptoed into my room in the late morning. She was better off than I was, but she’d decided to take the day off and take care of me. I didn’t know which was worse: the hangover or the fact that I’d accidentally told Lucah I loved him when I was drunk.

  “No. The only way I’m going to feel better is if you find a time machine and can take me back to last night and tell me not to drink. That would be fantastic. Thanks.” She sat down on the edge of my bed and held out a cup of lemon ginger tea.

  “I’ll get right on that, babe.” I took the tea from her and sipped it. The ginger would be soothing on my stomach. I really didn’t want anything in my body right at the moment, but I drank it anyway.

  “Why didn’t you stop me?” I squinted at her and she looked fantastic, as usual. She had the kind of hair that worked curly or straight and her large curls from yesterday were still intact.

  “Hey, you were on a roll. And it was bound to come out eventually. They have that quote about the truth being in wine for a reason. Now that it’s out, you can talk about it and deal with it and then realize that you’re both idiots and you belong together.”

  “How do you know that we belong together?”

  “The same reason I know how to make a flan just by reading a recipe once. Pure instinct.” She did have good instincts, but I was still humiliated.

  “You just gotta decide what’s more important. And I’m guessing that forty years do
wn the line, you’re not going to regret that you chose love over your job.” She patted my foot and left me with my tea and my thoughts.

  When I finally felt a little bit better, I found my phone and stared at it. I needed to call Lucah and explain myself. He’d been texting me all day asking if I was okay. He didn’t mention the love thing because he was great like that.

  He was so concerned about me even when he had a ton of crap to deal with and that only made me love him more. It really was like a sickness and it multiplied the more I thought about it and the more I thought about him.

  Finally I took a deep breath and called him. I knew he’d be on lunch so he’d be free to talk.

  “Hello, Mr. Blaine,” I said, sitting back on my pillows.

  “Hello, Miss Clarke. How are you feeling this afternoon?” His voice was soft, and I could hear him walking away from some other voices. He must be out getting food.

  “A little worse for wear. How are you?” His voice instantly made me happy, even though I felt shitty. Yup. That’s love.

  “I’m just concerned about you.”

  “Yeah, same here. How’s everything with your brother?” I didn’t want to talk about me. And because he was such an awesome guy, he talked about his brother and how he was trying to get him a lease on an apartment and also his failed attempts to get Ryder a job.

  “He’s not really qualified to do anything. He never finished college, just started a bunch of times and never got all the way through. He’s one of those people who knows how to do a bunch of things, but not enough to get a job. I don’t know what to do with him.”

  I couldn’t imagine what that must be like, but even though I didn’t have any siblings, I had friends and that is similar. Luckily, my friends had most of their shit together.