Sweet Surrendering

  “Sorry to disturb you dear, but this got put in your father’s inbox by mistake, so I thought I would drop it off.”

  “Oh, thank you.” I took the folder from her, and breathed a sigh of relief.

  “I thought I’d lost this and I was about to go down to the file room and spend the rest of the day searching. Thank you so much. Now I don’t have to look for it.” This would save me a hell of a lot of time I didn’t have to spare anyway.

  “What an adorable paperweight,” she said, pointing to my red shoe. “It reminds me of Dorothy’s ruby slippers. Are you a fan of The Wizard of Oz?”

  “Oh, yes. I love that movie.” The truth was that I did like the movie, but not enough to buy a paperweight. But if she wanted to think it was in homage, then she could go ahead and think that.

  “How sweet. Well, I’ll see you later, dear.” I said good-bye and went over the file, which had all the information I needed, but hadn’t been able to find on the computer. We were still in the process of taking all our old files and scanning them to our database. You’d think this wouldn’t be a problem at a technology company, but such is life.

  Lucah got up from his desk and came in, and I loved the way he walked and breathed and the way he picked up my coffee mug and told me I needed a refill and he was going to take care of it.

  I loved the way he came back and our hands brushed as he handed me the mug and I loved the way he winked those stormy eyes.

  If anyone else had told me this stuff, I would have wanted to slap them. Or at least roll my eyes and avoid them. If it wasn’t me, I’d say I was insufferable.

  Stupid love. Love made you want to punch yourself in the face.

  It also made you so distracted that you didn’t get as much done at your job as you should because you were too busy fantasizing about your stupid guy and his magical penis.

  It made you spend meetings trying not to draw little hearts, or see what his last name would look like with your first name.

  Love made you into a fucking twelve-year-old girl.

  I couldn’t ask Lucah if he was suffering from the same thing because it was just too ridiculous a thing to say out loud.

  But then in the afternoon he picked up the phone, said, “I want to fuck you on your desk right now and it kills me that I can’t,” and then hung up. Well, he could, but it would definitely get us both fired. Although desk sex might be worth it . . .

  Love made you consider losing your job for a little desk sex. Love made you a fucking idiot.

  “So you seem to be getting along very well with your assistant, your father tells me,” my mother said that Sunday night at dinner. I choked on my wine and spewed it all over the white tablecloth. I coughed and grabbed my glass of water to clear out my throat.

  “Are you okay, Rory?” Both my parents looked at me in concern as my eyes watered and I tried to breathe normally.

  “Fine,” I rasped. “Just went down the wrong pipe. What did you say?” Maybe I’d heard her wrong?

  “I was saying that your father said you seemed to be getting along very well with your new assistant. I’m interested to meet him next month at the Employee Ball.” Shit. I had completely forgotten about the Ball.

  Most companies had a yearly party to reward the employees, but Dad always threw a ball. There were themes and everyone dressed up and he rented a fancy place and it was a great time and I looked forward to them all year long. But of course, love had put it out of my mind.

  “Right, the Ball. What’s the theme this year?” I couldn’t recall it for the life of me. Love was taking up too much space in my brain.

  “It’s black and white this year. Very classy, very chic. I’m thinking about getting these giant chess pieces made and doing the floor in black and white tiles. What do you think?” Mom was the party planner extraordinaire. Seriously, my birthdays were so fabulous, they belonged on one of those television shows about fabulous parties. Renting an elephant or an entire theme park was the norm for us.

  “Sounds great.”

  “You know, I heard from the Heralds that Fin will be back in the area by then. I’m sure he’d love to go with you,” Mom said, giving Dad a look. Subtle. Why didn’t she just invite him and not tell me and then shove him at me? Or better yet, put him in a box with a bow on it, and then roll him out and have him pop out of it?

  “Eva, I believe that ship has sailed,” Dad said, coming to my rescue. It was about time.

  “Are you sure? You would look so beautiful together. Dark and light.” Yes. Like we were a pair of lamps.

  “Mom. It’s not going to happen. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s smitten with Marisol. They’ve been texting while he’s been gone.” I wasn’t sure if I should share this with them, but I wanted Mom to drop it. Even if I hadn’t been in love with Lucah, I wasn’t ever going to be in love with Fin. It just wasn’t going to happen.

  My mother practically pouted, but then smoothed it behind a smile.

  “Well, I will hold out hope that he will change his mind.” Lucah thought I was stubborn. Well, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree in this case.

  Dad just shook his head. He knew how to pick his battles after this many years of marriage. I had a moment of bliss picturing myself in my mother’s place and Lucah in my father’s. That led me to thinking about us having sex, which led to me thinking about my parents having sex and then I just shut that line of thinking down.

  I got out of there as soon as I could and took a cab to Lucah’s.

  “Honey, I’m home,” I said as I came in. He’d left the door unlocked for me. I was here enough that it seemed silly for me not to have a key, but I didn’t want to ask for one. He was still so secretive about those rooms. I still hadn’t seen them, and I tested the doors once when he was in the shower and found that they were locked. Whatever he had in there ( please God, let it not be bodies), he wanted to keep it hidden, even from me.

  Love also made you stop questioning things for fear of causing tension or ruining perfect moments.

  “Hello, dear, how was dinner?” he said, putting his arms around my waist. I put my arms on his shoulders and twisted his hair in my fingers.

  “It was fine, except I completely forgot about the Company Ball next month and my mother wants me to take Fin.”

  “I think I heard about that once or twice. Is it a big deal?”

  “You have no idea. It’s a huge deal. The theme this year is black and white, so you’d better have something fancy in one of those colors.” I hadn’t gone searching through his closet, but he was always so impeccably dressed that I was pretty sure he’d have something on hand.

  “It sounds fancy. What are you going to be wearing?”

  “Whatever Sloane makes me,” I said with a smile. She’d made my last three Ball gowns and each one had been more spectacular than the last. She was going to be sad about the color choice, but I knew she would make up for it by making something unbelievable.

  “Lucky girl. So, I’m going to take a shot in the dark and say that I’m not allowed to take you as my date, correct?”

  I’d thought about that, but it seemed like a recipe for disaster.

  “Lucah.”

  “I know, I know. But at least save me a dance. Or a few. I can dance with my boss, can’t I?”

  “Yes, you can dance with me.” He started swaying back and forth and humming. “Are we practicing now?”

  “Why not? I know how to waltz.”

  I rolled my eyes as he moved his hands into waltz position with one on my waist and the other clasped in my hand.

  “Of course you do.”

  He waltzed me around the kitchen, humming a tune I wasn’t familiar with that I was pretty sure he made up on the spot. Because he was the kind of guy who could make up a tune to waltz to. Because he was the perfect man.

  “Well aren’t you Mr. Smooth?”

  “Yes, that’s what they call me.” He spun me under his arm and then we did a dip and he kissed me.

  “My
mother taught me how to waltz. She said that a man should always know how to waltz with a woman.” He let me up and we continued to sway.

  “She sounds like a smart woman.”

  “She was,” he said, and I thought he was going to talk more about her, but he didn’t. He spun me out and spun me back in and then kissed me in a way that made me forget about waltzing. Well, at least vertically waltzing. We could do a great horizontal dance as well.

  “So I have something else for you,” he said, reaching into his nightstand.

  “It better not be your penis. Because I’ve already had that gift.”

  “No, it’s this.” He held up a key and it glinted in the light. “I had an extra key made for you.” I took it from him and turned it over in my hand. I was excited about the key, because it seemed like he’d read my mind, but I wanted to know if this was going to open all the doors, and not just the front one.

  “Does this open every door in your apartment?” His eyes narrowed for a split second.

  “I told you, Sunshine. There are some doors that need to be kept closed. I love you . . . but there are things that I can’t share with you. I wish I could, but I can’t. Someday maybe I can tell you, but right now, those doors are shut and they’re going to stay that way.” His voice was almost harsh and I pulled the blanket across my body. He was keeping those closed doors between us and I didn’t like it.

  “I wish you could explain it in a way that I could understand. But if you say that you need to do it, that’s what you need to do. I wish there was something I could do to change that, but it’s really up to you.” I tried not to sound bratty and bitter, but failed on both counts.

  “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be snotty about it, seriously. Can you understand where I’m coming from?” He pulled the sheet back down and pulled me so I was under him.

  “I do. Believe me I do. If there was something I could do, Sunshine. Oh, you don’t know what I would do to fix it.”

  The more he talked, the more confused I got.

  “Just tell me it’s not a roomful of dead bodies. Or something creepy. Or a shrine of some other girl. Or something else illegal, or creepy, or gross.”

  “It is none of the above, I promise. It’s just something that I can’t share. Okay?” I sighed.

  “Okay.” For now. I was okay for now. Just the fact that I had a key was something. Now I had to get one made for him.

  “Big step, giving me a key,” I said, tugging on his hair. “Does this mean I get a drawer?”

  “Sunshine, you’ve already taken over half my dresser and most of my bathroom. You can have whatever space you want.” He was right. I had kind of started taking over.

  “But I don’t mind. I like having to move your shampoo to find mine, or accidentally reaching for a toothbrush and getting yours instead of mine.”

  “What about my tampons? You cool with those?”

  “I am cool with your tampons.”

  “Good.”

  “Cool.”

  The next morning he let me use my new key to lock the door when I left and I got a little thrill about putting it on my key ring.

  At lunch, I ran to a locksmith and got one made for him since the only extra keys I had were in Sloane’s possession. She may have been great at making flan and lingerie, but she was terrible at not losing her key.

  When I got back I saw Dad talking to Lucah and I immediately panicked. Dad had his back to me and Lucah was facing me so he saw the panic on my face and shook his head very subtly back and forth.

  What did that mean? Did that mean things were okay? Did that mean I should panic? WHAT DID THAT SIGNAL MEAN? We hadn’t worked out our signals yet.

  I had to walk by Dad to get to my office so I did it in such a way that he saw me out of the corner of his eye.

  “Oh, Rory. Just getting back from lunch?” I put on a smile and walked up to them.

  “Yes, which means it’s Mr. Blaine’s turn.” Dad and Lucah shared a look that I couldn’t decipher and then Lucah excused himself and headed off to lunch.

  “What was that about? You trying to steal my assistant?” I joked, trying to make light of the situation.

  “Oh, no. He’s all yours,” he said, and it felt like a double meaning, but that was probably just me. “No, I was just stopping by to see how things were going for him. He’s a bright young man you’ve got there.” Was it just me, or was Dad acting shifty?

  “Oh, well, he’s a hard worker and never complains.” I was floundering and I needed to get out of there. He seemed to sense that as he cleared his throat and looked around.

  “Well, I need to get back to work, but I’ll see you later?”

  “Absolutely.” We had another meeting this afternoon and I was already not looking forward to it. Lucah would have to sit next to me and we’d have to keep our hands to ourselves. Most of the time I told him not to come with me just because it was too much temptation, but this one I was out of luck because there was so much involved that I needed to remember that I needed another set of notes to supplement mine and he took really good notes when he wasn’t trying to shove his hand up my skirt. Or maybe he could do both. I sure as hell couldn’t.

  I texted Lucah the second I got back to my office.

  What was that about? Every second it took him to respond freaked me out even more. I was probably being paranoid, but when you were having a secret love affair with a guy you were not supposed to be having a love affair with, then it kind of went with the territory.

  Nothing. I swear. Just asking about the job. Relax, Sunshine :)

  I couldn’t see his face or hear his tone via the text, so I had no way to tell if he was just trying to calm me down, or if it was really nothing. I’d have to ask him when he got back.

  Love made you paranoid.

  I was biting my nails and flinching every time someone walked by my door until Lucah got back. I motioned him into my office and he closed the door. I was willing to take the risk just to make double sure that we were still flying under the radar.

  He smiled at me and shook his head.

  “I told you that we were fine. I think he was checking up to make sure I was doing you justice and not slacking off. It was all work talk, honest.”

  His voice was sincere and his face was too. Okay, crisis averted. Freak-out aborted.

  I took a deep breath.

  “You need to stop stressing so much. It’s not good for you.” He reached out and stroked my face just as there was a knock at my door. Crap, it was time for the meeting.

  “Rory dear? It’s time for the meeting.” Mrs. Andrews’ voice made Lucah freeze with his hand on my face. Then he dropped it and we both got up. There was nothing to do but leave the office together. If we both played it cool, then no one would know anything.

  “Be right there,” I said, and Lucah got up and opened the door open for me as I walked through. He followed a second later with two notebooks and pens, which, of course, I’d forgotten.

  He followed too closely behind me and I knew that it was going to be a herculean effort to get through this, although Dad was in this meeting, so there would definitely be no funny business, even if I wasn’t already paranoid. I had to draw the line somewhere.

  I actually did focus on the meeting and when it was over, I realized that Lucah hadn’t touched me once and his notebook was full of his small neat handwriting. My handwriting was terrible and I was jealous of his. If only you could go back in time and relearn how to write. But it was probably too late to do that now. Oh well. It just wasn’t one of my talents.

  He was keeping his distance, and I knew it had to do with the fact that he thought Dad was watching him. It would have been kind of funny if it wasn’t so terrifying. We barely made eye contact for the rest of the day, which only made it sweeter when I unlocked the door to his apartment later and he kissed me like he hadn’t seen me in weeks.

  “It is torture not being able to look at our talk to or touch you all day, but I felt like we were b
eing watched, so I decided that your paranoia was warranted.”

  “So you’re saying I’m right?” He laughed and bit the tip of my nose.

  “Yes, I’m saying you were right.” I raised my fist in victory and did a little victory dance, complete with booty shaking and he clapped and urged me on.

  “God, you’re sexy,” he said when I was done. Clearly, he loved me because only someone who loved me would think that display was sexy.

  “You just keep telling me that. I haven’t heard it enough today.” I felt seriously deprived so he made up for it in quite a few ways. Plus, I’d packed Mr. Buzzy in my bag and we had some fun with him as well.

  “Does this count as a threesome?” he said, and I smacked him with a pillow.

  “Not if the third person is powered by batteries.”

  “What about a robot?”

  “Are you asking me if we had sex and a robot joined us, would that be considered a threesome?” I propped myself on my elbow and gave him a look.

  “I’m just saying. I think it could count. If the robot had human emotions.”

  “Do you understand that we’re talking about robot sex?”

  “Yes. Because you’re an amazing woman and I love you.” He kissed me and that was enough of discussing robot sex for one evening.

  Lucah and I kept our distance, difficult as it was, for the next week. It made our reunions every night all the sweeter, but parting every morning that much harder. Yes, it sounded like I was bitching but that was what love did to you. Turned you inside out and made you into a person you never thought you’d be. Love turned you into a whiny bitch.

  Lucah seemed to be having just as hard a time as I was, which made me feel a little better, even if the situation still sucked.

  There was no mention of Fin at dinner the next Sunday and I wondered if Dad had a little chat with Mom about pushing Fin on me, and how that was not going to work, as much as she wanted it to. I didn’t need to know, as long as I was sure she wasn’t going to ambush me again when the time came for the Black and White Ball. She was already starting to go nuts with the planning and had roped me into helping, so I spent a few Lucah-free afternoons and evenings with her working on invitations and decorations and picking the menu.