Changeling

  He was watching the sky, and I was, too, not knowing what to look for. Then Killian waved his right hand in a smooth, sweeping gesture, oddly graceful, and I saw the heavy clouds overhead parting reluctantly to reveal the clear, star-speckled sky behind them. My mouth went slack as I realized what he had done. “Now you.” He tapped my hand, and disbelieving, I moved it in a gentle circle before me. The clouds above me moved at my command, and with a broader movement I pushed the huge billows aside. All was clear above us. Weather magick was forbidden; it was considered an assault on nature and could have far-reaching, devastating effects. So Ï had just worked

  forbidden magick. And I had loved it.

  My heart was pounding with excitement, and I looked at Killian, my eyes wide and shining. He laughed at my expression.

  “Don’t say I never gave you anything,” he said. “I gave you the stars. Good night, little sister.” He started walking away, weaving slightly down the dark road. “Good night? Where are you going?” I yelled. “This is the middle of nowhere!” He turned and gave me a mock-severe look. “Everyplace is somewhere. I want to walk from here.” He turned and began to walk away. “But---” I started at him, feeling something close to panic. “Killian! Wait!” He turned again from the woods and looked at me. I took a deep breath. “I want to see Ciaran again. Can you ask him to come here, to see me?” There. It was out. I had said it. For a moment Killian was silent, then his faint laughter floated to me just as a glowing sliver of moon appeared in the clouds’ clearing. “I’ll think about it,” he called back. Then he was gone, into the nothingness, and Ï was left alone in the cold, wondering whether I had actually succeeded in my mission---or whether Killian was just playing with me the same way he played with the clouds.

  7. Witch Fire

  Brother Thomas’s wound continues to fester. He is near delirium, and I fear he

  will lose the leg. Brother Colin, I must set this letter aside; Father Benedict has

  motioned to me. I will finish later.

  The Lord works in mysterious ways. Father Benedict came to me in all

  gravity and voiced his concern about brother Thomas. He commanded me to

  go seek help from a village granny-wife. I asked if that was not like asking for

  help from the devil, to which he replied that God judges what is good or evil,

  not man.

  In the village no granny-wife would see me, but Nuala Riordan come with me

  and is still with Brother Thomas. I tremble in fear for out very souls: she is

  chanting devil’s words over him, fixing him foul teas, applying seaweed

  poultices to his wound. To my mind it would be better if he died rather then

  have the devil heal him.

  ---Brother Sinestus Tor, to Colin, June 1768.

  I pulled into our dark driveway and felt Das Boot's big engine stop with a tremble. What a night. It had been incredible. Now I had to go in and steel myself to call Eoife, to tell her I had asked Killian to call Ciaran.

  I was almost to my front door, keys in hand, when suddenly every bit of alcohol I had drunk flooded back into my brain with a whoosh. I staggered on the walk, dumbfounded. Oh my god. Killian's spell had worn off---what if it had worn off while I was driving? Now I was completely polluted again.

  Inside the house, I dumped my stuff on the floor and literally clawed upstairs to my room. How much had I drunk? More than I ever had in my life. My stomach felt iffy, and I began to regret downing those whiskey sours.

  Ten minutes later I lay in my bed with the spins, wanting to cry. The room was rocking back and forth as if I were on a ship, my stomach felt extremely fragile, and I had to get up to go to school in about six hours.

  A moment after that I realized that the dull, heavy pounding I felt in my head was really someone banging on my front door. Jesus who could that be? I tried to focus my senses to cast them but couldn't concentrate. I was all over the place and started to panic. Then I heard the front door open---had I locked it?---and footsteps thudding up the stairs. "Morgan!" Hunter yelled, right before he opened the door to my room. I looked at him stupidly

  while he stormed over to loom above me in my bed. "Where the hell have you been? I sent you

  a witch message, I've been calling your house. Do you think this is a game? Do you think---" "I tried to call you earlier!" I said, my voice sounding thick. "Your phone was busy!" Then, with a sickening rush, my stomach gave notice that it was about to rebel. I stared at Hunter in horror, then lunged towards the bedroom I shared with Mary K. I just barely made it to the toilet before everything I had eaten and drunk that evening came back up. Throwing up is the most disgusting thing I can think of. I flushed the toilet after the first time, but then I vomited again and again, my stomach muscled heaving. I felt the little blood vessels around my eyes burst and I wanted to cry but couldn't yet. The only thing worse than barfing your guts up is doing it in front of someone you love desperately and are no longer with. I didn't hear him follow me, but my face crumpled with sobs when I felt Hunter's strong, gentle hands carefully lifting back my long hair. He twisted it away from my face while I was sick, and then when Ï sagged against the porcelain, he stepped away long enough to wet a washcloth with cold water. He stroked it over my face as I sat mortified, humiliated tears filling my eyes. "Oh, God," I muttered in misery.

  "Can you stand up?" His anger had dissipated. I nodded, and Hunter helped me over to the sink, where I brushed my teeth three times, feeling shaky and hollow. He wet the washcloth again, gently pressing it against my face and the back of my neck under my hair. It felt incredible.

  Feeling completely defeated and beyond any hope of redeeming myself, I shuffled back to my room and collapsed on my bed. That was when I realized I was wearing only the Wonder Woman undies Bree had given me month ago as a joke and my dads threadbare MIT sweatshirt. Hunter was rooting through my dresser and finally found a long sleeved rugby shirt, that had seen too many washes. Businesslike, he came over, stripped off my sweatshirt, then popped the rugby shirt over my head, helping my arms find the sleeves. Then he left my bedroom, and I slid sideways in my cool comfortable bed, knowing my humiliation was now complete. Hunter and I had made out seriously before, and we'd put our hands under each other's shirts, but he'd never seen me in nothing but my Wonder Woman undies.

  Hunter came back into my room, holding a cold can of ginger ale. He poured it into a glass and helped me sit up again so I could sip it. It was nirvana. "Thank you." My voice sounded harsh, scraped.

  "So you've been drinking a bit," he said unnecessarily, taking the glass from me and putting it on my bedside table.

  I moaned pathetically, burying my face in my pillow. I still felt wretched but much, much better since my stomach had gotten rid of the poison in my system. The spins were gone, and the awful queasiness.

  "Liquor dulls your senses," Hunter said mildly, stroking his hand down my hair, across my shoulder, down my side. I pulled the covers up past my waist. "It makes your magick go awry if you don't compensate for it. That's why most witches just have a little ceremonial wine, at most..."

  I started weeping, and he shut up. He didn't have to tell he this---I didn't have to tell me this---I didn't want to drink again in my whole life. "I was with Killian tonight. He told me why Ciaran inherited his mother's coven and not her, but didn't get anything else. But I did ask him to ask Ciaran to come here." Then I burst into tears, holding my pillow, feeling like I was releasing days' worth of tension, fear, and worry. Hunter sat close to me, his hand on my neck, smoothing my hair. He didn't say shhh or anything to make me stop crying but just waited while I got it out.

  Finally I slowed down to shudders and hiccups. I gazed up at him through tear-blurred eyes, thinking how incredible he looked, how attractive and appealing and sexy and magickal, thinking about how wonderful and caring and thoughtful he had been tonight. My heart was breaking all over again. And here I was, having just been horribly sick in front of him, having him see me
in my joke underwear and nothing else, and knowing that I looked like a total bowser when I cried. It was too much to bear, and I closed my eyes against the onslaught of

  emotional anguish that rushed over me.

  "Tell me more about tonight, love," he said gently, leaning over me. Slowly I reported everything that Killian and I had talked about it. It seemed extremely thin. I was a failure. I talked going to the bar tonight, and everyone drinking, and Ethan falling of the wagon. I confessed to Killian's working weather magick, but not that I had done it also. "The right before he left me, I asked him to call Ciaran. He said he's think about it." "You did well," Hunter said. He looked at me and seemed to say something but then decided against it. Instead he stroked my hair down my back. I realized I was completely exhausted, hollowed out, wrung out, numb.

  "Go to sleep," Hunter whispered.

  "Mmm-hmm," I muttered, my eyes already closing. "By the way," he said from the door, "nice knickers." The he was gone, and despite how horrible I felt at the moment, I was smiling because I had seen his face, just for a little while.

  The next afternoon Killian was waiting for me, the faithful spaniel, on his usual stone bench. It was odd---my heart was glad to see him smile. I was really glad to see his smile. I was really beginning to like Killian. He was completely irresponsible and a bad influence, but nice. I immediately wanted to ask him about Ciaran---I was down to ten days now and Ciaran was nowhere in sight---but then I remembered Eoife's pep talk from the Starlocket circle. How pushy could I be without turning him off or making him suspicious? I decided to play it by ear. He rubbed his hands together when he saw me walking toward him, Robbie and Bree in back of me. "What's up for tonight?"

  "Anything that doesn't involve alcohol," I said. I thought briefly about my vow to study tonight but then figured that saving Starlocket mattered more than memorizing a lists of presidents. Anyway, there would be plenty of time to study after Imbolic. Killian threw back his head and laughed. "We have to get you up to speed," he said. Even in our hung-over state, we all gravitated toward the good time Killian seemed to promise, and half an hour later we were sprawled in Bree's family room. I tried to sit next to Killian, determined to find out if he had passed my message on to Ciaran. We were all making fun of Bree's awful CD of French pop music when the doorbell rang. When Bree came back to the family room she was followed by Sky Eventide, Alisa Soto, and Simon Bakehouse, who was also in Kithic. Jenna and Simon had recently started going out. Sky looked at Raven, who was leaning toward Killian, offering him a bite of a mini powdered doughnut.

  Killian looked up at the newcomers and gave them a welcoming smile, licking powdered sugar off his lips. Bree, the good hostess, introduced him. Simon smiled politely. "I remember Sky," Killian said in a silky voice, smiling into her eyes. Sky narrowed hers at him so they looked like slits of obsidian. She was dressed in formfitting black clothes, which made her moonlight-pale hair stand out in stark contrast. She turned to look at Raven, who had a bored expression on her face.

  Simon sat next to Jenna, putting his hands on her knee as she smiled up at him. Across the room Matt looked like he'd just bitten a lemon. Alisa seemed uncomfortable and awkward and very young. She perched on the edge of the couch, and I wondered why she had come. This wasn't an official circle, after all.

  "Well!" said Bree, artificially brightly. "Who needs something to drink? I have seltzer, juice, sodas, of I could make coffee or tea.

  "How about a drop of whiskey?" Killian asked. Only someone who knew Bree as well as I did could tell she was disconcerted by his open request. "Sorry," she said. The liquor cabinet is locked." Killian laughed. "Lock or no lock---it doesn't matter to a witch." Bree wasn't so easy to influence. "Sorry," she said again, with a touch more warning in her voice.

  My glance flicked to Ethan, who looked relieved. Sharon reached up and rubbed the back of his neck under his long curls. He have her a little smile, and she kissed him. I felt a renewed sense of warmth for both of them.

  Only Bree was so irrevocably cool that she could say she didn't want to drink and not look like

  a Girl Scout. For the millionth time in my life, I admired her easy self-confidence. We talked. We listened to music. We laughed at Killian's stories and told some of our own. Bree lit incense and candles when the sun went down. Her family room became a dimly lit, exotic, magickal place. Around dinnertime we ordered pizza and the people who needed to call their parents did. I checked in with Eileen to let her know where I'd be. It was eight o'clock when I remembered again my intention to hit the books tonight. Today in school Mr. Alban had reminded us of an English composition that was due soon. My grades were slipping a little this semester---I had get it together. I looked over at Killian, who seemed to be enjoying playing Sky and Raven off each other. I sidled over to him and touched his shoulder. He leaned toward me, smiling, and I put my face close to his to speak privately. He slanted his head towards mine, and I felt so duplicitous, like a user.

  "I was wondering if you had contacted our father yet," I said bluntly. His dark eyes met mine, and I noticed for the first time that they tilted up at the corners ever so slightly, like mine.

  "Not yet," he said softly so only I could here. "You're more eager to see him than I am." I didn't know what to make of this and was still pondering my next step when Killian got up to get another can of soda. Damnation.

  The clock was ticking even now, but still, I decided that pushing Killian was a bad idea. As Eoife had cautioned, I didn't want to make him suspicious of my motives---he was already cagey enough. Reluctantly I got to my feet. "Gotta go," I said, trying to remember where I had put my coat.

  "No, no, little sister," Killian protested. "The night is young yet, and so are we." He laughed, and I felt my body tense in frustration.

  "I better go and study," I said feeling like a failure again. At least my schoolwork was something I could control. There was no chance of ending up at a pub on the edge of town with my history book.

  "Stay, love," Killian said coaxingly, and suddenly his voice was like a velvet ribbon wrapping around my wrists, keeping me there. Maybe my studying could wait. "Stay, and I'll show you some special magick."

  Well, that was something worth checking out, at least. I sat back down. He grinned in delight and gestured to the others. "Sit in a circle." When we were in a circle, Killian again rubbed his hands together, as if he were a stage performer. Sky, sitting next to him, looked as if she would rather be eating glass. Killian cupped his hands and blew on them (I was sure that was just for effect) and then tossed a little ball of blue, crackly witch fire at Sky. Startled, she caught it in her cupped hands, and it transformed into a ball of glowing, pinkish light.

  "Pass it!" Killian urged her.

  With a little shrug Sky passed it to Robbie, next to her. Robbie looked fascinated, his face bright and a little scared, holding it in his hands. When Killian waved toward him, Robbie passed it to Bree, next to him. And around it went, this glowing ball of light. When it was my turn, I thought it felt like an electrified pom-pom. When it got back to Killian, he bounced it on one hand and looked at us.

  "Now add to it," he said, once again tossing it lightly to Sky. She held the light for a moment, concentrating. It glowed a bit bigger and brighter, and she passed it to Robbie. Robbie did the same, with less perceptible results. Of this group only Killian, Sky and I were blood witches. When we passed it, any change was less visible, but at the end of each circle round, the cumulative effect was definitely noticeable. And it became more sensitive to the increasing energy---after the fifth round Alisa passed it, and it jumped in size and brightness as it passed from her hands. She giggled nervously.

  It was kind of a juvenile game, like hot potato, but it was also a beautiful, electric thing: making magick out of thin air. I could feel the magickal energy increasing, crackling around us, as if it were another presence in the room. Again and again we infused the light with our individual energies, watching it as it changed color and brightness, depending
on who held it. I felt filled

  with light, with energy, with magick, and it was exciting and satisfying in a way that nothing else

  could ever be.

  The next time it landed in Killian's hands, he held it and then suddenly shot straight at me. "Do something!" he commanded.

  Without a moment to think, I opened my heart and my mind. I caught the witch fire lightly in my hands and spun it towards the ceiling, shaping it into a long blue stream of fire. Feeling the magick flowing through me, surrounding me, I let the energy do what it wanted to, and I opened my hand flat out to release it. It bounced against the ceiling and then shattered like crystal, raining down on us in prickly, multicolored sparks. "Oh my God," Jenna breathed, her eyes reflecting the pinpricks of light. Flowers, I thought, and in the next instant the shower of sparks had changed into a gentle rain of real, petal-soft flowers, brushing gently against our faces. Tulips, daisies, poppies, anemones, all in summer-bright colors, landing as light butterflies all around us. I smiled with pleasure at the beauty I had wrought. Witch, Witch, I thought, claiming the title as my own. Then I looked up. My friends' faces were a mixture of disbelief, amazement, and a little bit of fear, from Alisa. Even Robbie who had been so concerned about my abuse of magick in New York wore an expression of amazement and joy. Killian was smiling big at me, a familial smile that made me feel more connected to him. Sky was watching me with solemn silence, and I realized---too late, as always---that I had just committed another Wiccan faux pas or worse. Inwardly I groaned. There were so many rules! Things that felt so natural were bound and regulated.

  My next though was that I was supposed to get up extra early tomorrow morning to meet with Eoife before school. Hunter had relayed my report on last night's meeting, but I was supposed to check in with her in person.

  I sighed and got to my feet.

  8. Longing

  Brother Colin, I have doubts that I have not been able to confess to good Father