Point Counter Point

  'What is the excitement about?' asked Spandrell as the other appeared, pale and with desperation in his looks, on the doorstep. Standing by Webley's car, he was engaged in undoing the tightly stretched waterproof which decked in all that part of the open body lying aft of the front seats. 'These thingumbobs are horribly hard to unfasten.'

  Illidge put his hands in his pockets and pretended that it was merely an idle curiosity that had brought him out with such precipitation.

  'What are you doing?' he asked offhandedly.

  Spandrell gave a final tug; the cover came loose along the whole length of one side of the car. He turned it back and looked in. 'Empty, thank goodness,' he said and, stretching his hand, he played imaginary octaves, span after span, over the coach-work. 'Say four feet wide,' he concluded, 'by about the same in length. Of which half is taken up by the seat. With two foot six of space under the cover. Plenty of room to curl up in and be very comfortable. But if one were stiff?' He looked enquiringly at Illidge. 'A man could be got in, but not a statue.'

  Illidge nodded. Spandrell's last words had made him suddenly remember Lady Edward's mocking commentary on Webley. 'He wants to be treated like his own colossal statue--posthumously, if you see what I mean.'

  'We must do something quickly,' Spandrell went on. 'Before the stiffness sets in.' He pulled back the cover and laying a hand on Illidge's shoulder, propelled him gently into the house. The door slammed behind them. They stood looking down at the body.

  'We shall have to pull the knees up and the arms down,' said Spandrell.

  He bent down and moved one of the arms towards the side. It returned, when he let go, half-way to its former position. Like a puppet, Spandrell reflected, with elastic joints. Grotesque rather than terrible; not tragical, but only rather tiresome and even absurd. That was the essential horror--that it was all (even this) a kind of bad and tedious jape. 'We shall have to find some string,' he said. 'Something to tie the limbs into place.' It was like amateur plumbing, or mending the summerhouse oneself; just rather unpleasant and ludicrous.

  'They ransacked the house. There was no string to be found. They had to be content with three bandages, which Spandrell found among the aspirin and iodine, the boracic powder and vegetable laxatives of the little medicine cupboard in the bathroom.

  'Hold the arms in place while I tie,' commanded Spandrell.

  Illidge did as he was told. But the coldness of those dead wrists against his fingers was horrible; he felt sick again, he began to tremble.

  'There!' said Spandrell, straightening himself up. 'Now the legs. Thank goodness we didn't leave it much longer.'

  'Treated like his own statue.' The words reverberated in Illidge's memory. 'Posthumously, if you see what I mean.' Posthumously... Spandrell bent one of the legs till the knee almost touched the chin.

  'Hold it.'

  Illidge grasped the ankle; the socks were grey and clocked with white. Spandrell let go, and Illidge felt a sudden and startlingly powerful thrust against his retaining hand. The dead man was trying to kick. Black voids began to expand in front of his eyes, eating out holes in the solid world before him. And the solid world itself swayed and swam round the edges of those interstellar vacancies. His gorge turned, he felt horribly giddy.

  'Look here,' he began, turning to Spandrell, who had squatted down on his heels and was tearing the wrapping off another bandage. Then shutting his eyes, he relinquished his grasp.

  The leg straightened itself out like a bent spring, and the foot, as it shot forward, caught Spandrell on the shoulder and sent him, unsteadily balanced as he was, sprawling backwards on to the floor.

  He picked himself up. 'You bloody fool!' But the anger aroused by that first shock of surprise died down. He uttered a little laugh. 'We might be at the circus,' he said. It was not only not tragic; it was a clownery.

  By the time the body was finally trussed, Illidge knew that Tom's weak lungs and twohundred-guinea coats, that superfluous fat and his mother's lifelong slaving, that rich and poor, oppression and revolution, justice, punishment, indignation--all, as far as he was concerned, were utterly irrelevant to the fact of these stiffening limbs, this mouth that gaped, these half-shut, glazed and secretly staring eyes. Irrelevant, and beside the point.

  Philip was dining alone. In front of his plate half a bottle of claret and the water-jug propped up an open volume. He read between the mouthfuls, as he masticated. The book was Bastian's On the Brain. Not very up to date, perhaps, but the best he could find in his father's library to keep him amused in the train. Halfway through the fish, he came upon the case of the Irish gentleman who had suffered from paraphasia, and was so much struck by it that he pushed aside his plate and, taking out his pocket-book, made a note of it at once. The physician had asked the patient to read aloud a paragraph from the statutes of Trinity College, Dublin. 'It shall be in the power of the College to examine or not examine every Licentiate previous to his admission to a fellowship, as they shall think fit.' What the patient actually read was: 'An the bee-what in the teemother of the trothodoodoo, to majoram or that emidrate, eni eni krastrei, mestreit to ketra totombreidei, to ra from treido as that kekritest.' Marvellous! Philip said to himself as he copied down the last word. What style! what majestic beauty! The richness and sonority of the opening phrase! 'An the bee-what in the teemother of the trothodoodoo.' He repeated it to himself. 'I shall print it on the title-page of my next novel,' he wrote in his notebook. 'The epigraph the text of the whole sermon.' Shakespeare only talked about tales told by an idiot. But here was the idiot actually speaking Shakespeareanly, what was more. 'The final word about life,' he added in pencil.

  At the Queen's Hall Tolley began with Erik Satie's Borborygmes Symphoniques. Philip found the joke only moderately good. A section of the audience improved it, however, by hissing and booing. Ironically polite, Tolley bowed with more than his usual grace. When the hubbub subsided, he addressed himself to the second item on the programme. It was the Coriolan overture. Tolley prided himself on a catholic taste and omnicompetence. But, oh dear! thought Philip as he listened, how abominably he conducted real music! As though he were rather ashamed of Beethoven's emotions and were trying to apologize for them. But fortunately Coriolanus was practically Tolley-proof. The music was heroically beautiful, it was tragic and immense in spite of him. The last of the expiring throbs of sound died away, a demonstration of man's indomitable greatness and the necessity, the significance of suffering.

  In the interval Philip limped out for a smoke in the bar. A hand plucked at his sleeve.

  'The melomaniac discovered!' said a familiar voice. He turned and saw Willie Weaver twinkling all over with good-humour, kindliness and absurdity. 'What did you think of our modemrn Orpheus?'

  'If you're referring to Tolley, I don't think he can conduct Beethoven.'

  'A shade too light and fantastic for old man Ludwig's portentosities?' suggested Willie.

  'That's about it,' said Philip smiling. 'Not up to him.'

  'Or too far up. Portentosity belongs to the prepositivistic epoch. It's bourgeois as Comrade Lenin would say. Tolley's nothing if not contemporaneous. Didn't you like him in the Satie? Or did you,' he went on, in response to Philip's contemptuous shrug, 'did you wish he'd committed it?' He coughed his own appreciation of the pun.

  'He's almost as modern as the Irish genius whose works I discovered this evening.' Philip took out his pocket-book and, after a word of explanation, read aloud. 'An the bee-what in the teemother of the trothodoodoo...' At the foot of the page were his own comments of an hour before. 'The text of the whole sermon. The final word about life.' He did not read them out. He happened to be thinking quite differently now. 'The difference between portentosity and Satiecum-Tolleyism,' he said, ' is the same as the difference between the statutes of Trinity College, Dublin, and this bee-what in the teemother of the trothodoodoo.'

  He was blankly contradicting himself. But, after all, why not?

  Illidge wanted to go home and to bed; but
Spandrell had insisted that he should spend at least an hour or two at Tantamount House.

  'You must get yourself seen,' he said. 'For the sake of the alibi. I'm going on to Sbisa's. There'll be a dozen people to vouch for me.'

  Illidge agreed only under the threat of violence. He dreaded the ordeal of talking with anyone--even with someone so incurious, preoccupied and absent as Lord Edward. 'I shan't be able to stand it,' he kept repeating, almost in tears. They had had to carry the body, trussed into the posture of a child in the womb--carry it amorously pressed in a close and staggering embrace--out of the door, down the steps into the roadway. A single greenish gas-lamp under the archway threw but a feeble light up the mews; enough, however, to have betrayed them, if anyone had happened to be passing the entrance as they carried their burden out and lifted it into the car. They had begun by dumping the thing on its back on the floor; but the up-drawn knees projected above the level of the carriage-work. Spandrell had to climb into the car and push and lug the heavy body on to its side, so that the knees rested on the edge of the back seat. They' shut the doors, pulled the cover over and fastened it tautly into place. 'Perfect,' said Spandrell. He took his companion by the elbow. 'You need a little more brandy,' he added. But in spite of the brandy Illidge was still faint and tremulous when they drove away. Nor was Spandrell's bungling with the mechanism of the unfamiliar car at all calculated to soothe his nerves. They had begun by backing violently into the wall at the end of the mews; and before he discovered the secret of the gears, Spandrell twice inadvertently stopped the engine. He relieved his irritation by a few curses and laughed. But to Illidge these little mishaps, entailing as they did a minute's delay in escaping from that horrible and accursed place, were catastrophes. His terror, his anxious impatience became almost hysterical.

  'No, I can't, I really can't,' he protested when Spandrell had told him that he must spend the evening at Tantamount House.

  'All the same,' said the other, 'you're damned well going to,' and he headed the car into the Mall. 'I '1 drop you at the door.'

  'No, really!'

  'And if necessary kick you in.'

  'But I couldn't stand being there, I couldn't stand it.'

  'This is an extremely nice car,' said Spandrell pointedly changing the subject.'delightful to drive.'

  'I couldn't stand it,' Illidge whimperingly repeated.

  'I believe the makers guarantee a hundred miles an hour on the track.'

  They turned up past St. James's Palace into Pall Mall.

  'Here you are,' said Spandrell, drawing up at the kerb. Obediently, Illidge got out, crossed the pavement, climbed the steps and rang the bell. Spandrell waited till the door had closed behind him, then drove on into St. James's Square. Twenty or thirty cars were parked round the central gardens. He backed in among them, stopped the engine, got out and walked up to Piccadilly Circus. A penny'bus-ride took him to the top of the Charing Cross Road. The trees of Soho Square shone green in the lamplight at the end of the narrow lane between the factory buildings. Two minutes later he was at Sbisa's, apologizing to Burlap and Rampion for being so late.

  'Ah, here you are,' said Lord Edward.'so glad you've come.'

  Illidge mumbled vague apologies for not having come sooner. An appointment with a man. About business. But suppose, he wondered in terror while he spoke, suppose Lord Edward should ask what man, what business? He wouldn't know what to answer; he would utterly break down. But the Old Man seemed not even to have heard his excuses.

  'Afraid I must ask you to do a little arithmetic for me,' he said in his deep blurred voice. Lord Edward had made himself a tolerably good mathematician; but 'sums' had always been beyond his powers. He had never been able to multiply correctly. And as for long division--it was fifty years since he had even attempted it. 'I've got the figures here.' He tapped the notebook that lay open in front of him on the desk. 'It's for the chapter on phosphorus. Human interference with the cycle. How much P2 05 did we find out was dispersed into the sea in sewage?' He turned a page. 'Four hundred thousand tons. That was it. Practically irrecoverable. Just thrown away. Then there's the stupid way we deal with cadavers. Three-quarters of a kilo of phosphorus pentoxide in every body. Restored to the earth, you may say.' Lord Edward was ready to admit every excuse, to anticipate, that he might rebut, every shift of advocacy. 'But how inadequately!' he swept the excuses away, he blew the special pleaders to bits. 'Huddling bodies together in cemeteries! How can you expect the phosphorus to get distributed? It finds its way back to the life cycle in time, no doubt. But for our purposes it's lost. Taken out of currency. Now, given three-quarters of a kilo of P2 05. for every cadaver and a world population of eighteen hundred millions and an average deathrate of twenty per thousand, what's the total quantity restored every year to the earth? You can do sums, my dear Illidge. I leave it to you.' Illidge sat in silence, shielding his face with his hand. 'But then one has to remember,' the Old Man continued, ' that there are a lot of people who dispose of the dead more sensibly than we do. It's really only among the white races that the phosphorus is taken out of circulation. Other people don't have necropolises and watertight coffins and brick vaults. The only people more wasteful than we are the Indians. Burning bodies and throwing the ashes into rivers! But the Indians are stupid about everything. The way they burn all the cow-dung instead of putting it back on the land. And then they're surprised that half the population hasn't enough to eat. We shall have to make a separate calculation about the Indians. I haven't got the figures, though. But meanwhile will you work out the grand total for the world? And another, if you don't mind, for the white races. I've got a list of the populations here somewhere. And, of course, the deathrate will be lower than the average for the whole world, at any rate in Western Europe and America. Would you like to sit here? There's room at this end of the table.' He cleared a space. 'And here's paper. And this is quite a decent pen.'

  'Do you mind,' said Illidge faintly, 'if I lie down for a minute. I'm not feeling well.'

  CHAPTER XXXIV

  It was nearly eleven before Philip Quarles appeared at Sbisa's. Spandrell saw him as he was entering and beckoned him to the table where he was sitting with Burlap and Rampion. Philip came limping across the room and sat down beside him.

  'I've got messages for you,' said Spandrell, 'and, what's more important,' he felt in his pocket, ' the key of your house.' He handed it over, explaining how he had come into possession of it. If the man knew what had happened in his house that evening... 'And Elinor's gone down to Gattenden,' he went on. 'She had a telegram. The child doesn't seem to be well. And she expects you to-morrow.'

  'The devil she does!' said Philip. 'But I have at least fifteen engagements. What's wrong with the boy?'

  'Unspecified.'

  Philip shrugged his shoulders. 'If it had been serious, my mother-in-law wouldn't have telegraphed,' he said, yielding to the temptation to say something amusing. 'She's like that. She'll. take a case of double pneumonia with perfect calm and then get terribly excited about a headache or a pain in the belly.' He interrupted himself to order an omelette and half a bottle of Moselle. Still, Philip reflected, the boy hadn't been very flourishing these last weeks. He rather wished he hadn't yielded to the temptation. And what he had said hadn't really been in the least amusing. Wanting to be amusing--that was his chief literary defect. His books would be much better if he would allow them to be much duller. He sank into a rather gloomy silence.

  'These children!' said Spandrell. 'If you will go in for them....'

  'still, it must be wonderful to have a child,' said Burlap with proper wistfulness. 'I often wish...'

  Rampion interrupted him. 'It must be still more wonderful to be one. When one's grown up, I mean.' He grinned.

  'What do you do about your children?' asked Spandrell.

  'As little as I can. Unfortunately they have to go to school. I only hope they won't learn too much. It'd be really awful if they emerged as little professors stuffed with knowledge, trott
ing out their smart little abstract generalizations. They probably will. Just to spite me. Children generally do spite their parents. Not on purpose, of course, but unconsciously, because they can't help it, because the parents have probably gone too far in one direction and nature's reacting, trying to get back to the state of equilibrium. Yes, yes, I can feel it in my bones. They'll be professors, the little devils. They'll be horrid little scientists. Like your friend Illidge,' he said, turning to Spandrell, who started uncomfortably at the name and was annoyed that he should have started. 'Horrid little brains that do their best to suppress the accompanying hearts and bowels.'

  Spandrell smiled his significant, rather melodramatically-ironic smile. 'Young Illidge hasn't succeeded in suppressing his heart and bowels,' he said. 'Not by a long chalk.'

  'Of course not. Nobody can suppress them. All that happens in the process is that they're transformed from living organs into offal. And why are they transformed? In the interests of what? Of a lot of silly knowledge and irrelevant abstractions.'

  'Which are after all quite amusing in themselves,' said Philip, breaking his silence to come to the rescue of the intellect. 'Making generalizations and pursuing knowledge are amusements. Among the most entertaining, to my mind.' Philip went on to develop his hedonistic justification of the mental life. 'So why be so hard on our little diversions?' he concluded. 'You don't denounce golf; so why should you denounce the sports of the highbrows?'

  'That's fairly rudimentary, isn't it?' said Rampion. 'The tree shall be known by its fruits. The fruits of golf are either non-existent, harmless or positively beneficial. A healthy liver, for example--that's a very fine fruit. Whereas the fruits of intellectualism--my God!' He made a grimace. 'Look at them. The whole of our industrial civilization--that's their fruit. The morning paper, the radio, the cinema, all fruits. Tanks and trinitrotoluol; Rockefeller and Mond--fruits again. They're all the result of the systematically organized, professional intellectualism of the last two hundred years. And you expect me to approve of your amusements? But, I tell you, I prefer bull-fighting. What's the torture of a few animals and the brutalizing of a few hundred spectators compared to the ruining and befouling and degrading of a whole world? Which is what you highbrows have done since you professionalized and organized your amusements.'