Yo-yo's Weekend

''Sorry, Miss, didn't see you,'' lies Joshua Green, as custard drips off Miss Mousey's chin.

  ''Go for your pies,'' Endive tells the kids.

  The two teachers join hands. A pie splats on Mister Mealey's head. A pie bursts on Miss Mousey's chest.

  ''I've always loved you,'' says Mister Mealey, turning to his colleague with custard dribbling down his face.

  ''Oh, Mealey….. I ….. SPLURGE!

  Obviously, for the kids, this is the best school trip ever. These are the dozen or so swotty types who had chosen to visit the Art Gallery and complete their worksheets. The dozy types who had opted for a river-side walk and a kick-about in the park are already back in the classroom writing about their day.

  A blackbird lands on the No Parking sign and observes the battle. It rages for half an hour before the police come and restore order by kettling the kids, bouncing them down the stairs a few times and then arresting the teachers for allowing the kids to get into a fight and then bouncing them down the stairs.

  ''Custard pies and clowns, my arse,'' says Sergeant Cod. ''You'll be on the sex offenders' register for life, you scumbags. Getting your kicks by smearing kids in custard. Honestly. Some people. The Daily Sexpress will love it. You'll be splashed all over the front page.'' As Mister Mealey and Ms Mousey are marched away to be pilloried, four custard-covered clowns enter the posh bistro at Four High Petergate. and glare at the maitre'd.

  ''Table for four, mon-sewer,'' growls Chicory, ''And make it snappy.''