More Toasts

  "But your fiance has such a small salary, how are you going to live?"

  "Oh, we're going to economize. We're going to do without such a lot ofthings that Jack needs."

  "Are you an expert accountant," asked the prospective employer.

  "Yes, sir," said the applicant.

  "Your written references seem to be all right, but tell me more aboutyourself."

  "Well, my wife kept a household account for thirty days. One nightafter supper I sat down and in less than an hour found out how much weowed our grocer."

  "Hang up your hat and coat," said the employer with a glad smile. "Thejob is yours."

  HE--"My dear, I've warned you before, and now I must insist that wetry to live within our income."

  SHE--"Oh, very well, if you want to be considered eccentric byeverybody in our set."

  "Now," said the bridegroom to the bride, when they returned from theirhoneymoon trip, "let us have a clear understanding before we settledown to married life. Are you the president or the vice-president ofthe society?"

  "I want to be neither president nor vice-president," she answered. "Iwill be content with a subordinate position."

  "What position is that, my dear?"

  "Treasurer."

  SHE--"When we go anywhere now we have to take the street-car. Beforeour marriage you always called a taxi."

  HE--"Exactly. And that's the reason we have to go in the street-carnow."

  "My wife certainly makes my salary go a long way."

  "So does mine--so far that none of it ever comes back."

  "I'm having trouble in supporting my wife."

  "You don't know what trouble is. Try not supporting her."

  WILLIS--"The Highfliers are going to give up their big house thiswinter."

  MRS. WILLIS--"You must be mistaken. I was talking with Mrs. Highflieronly yesterday."

  WILLIS--"Well. I was talking with the mortgagee only thismorning."--_Puck_.

  In a certain home-missionary movement every participant was tocontribute a dollar that she had earned herself by hard work. Thenight of the collection of the dollars came, and various and drollwere the stories of earning the money. One woman had shampooedhair, another had made doughnuts, another had secured newspapersubscriptions, and so on.

  The chairman turned to a handsome woman in the front row.

  "Now, madam, it is your turn," he said. "How did you earn yourdollar?"

  "I got it from my husband," she answered.

  "Oh!" said he. "From your husband? There was no hard work about that."

  The woman smiled faintly.

  "You don't know my husband," she said.

  "Before we were married, you used to send around a dozen roses everyweek," said she.

  "Roses are easy," replied he. "This week I'm going to send around twotons of coal and a rib-roast."

  LANDLADY--"That new boarder is either a married man or a widower."

  PRETTY DAUGHTER--"Why, ma, he says he is a bachelor."

  LANDLADY--"Well, I don't believe it. When he opens his pocketbook topay his board he always turns his back to me."

  "Hicks promised to give his wife a dime for every one he spends forcigars."

  "How does it work?"

  "First rate. You see we meet every day and he buys me the drinks and Ibuy him the cigars."

  DOMESTIC RELATIONS

  HUSBAND (newly married)--"Don't you think, love, if I were to smoke,it would spoil the curtains?"

  WIFE--"Ah, you are the most unselfish and thoughtful husband in theworld; certainly it would."

  HUSBAND--"Well, then, take the curtains down."

  Willie's grandmother had come to visit them.

  "Are you mamma's mother?" asked Willie by way of conversation.

  "No, dear. I'm your grandmother on your father's side."

  "Well," said Willie decidedly (he was an observing little fellow),"all I got to say is you're on the wrong side."

  SHE--"Just think of it! A few words mumbled by the minister and peopleare married."

  HE--"Yes, and, by George, a few words mumbled by a sleeping husbandand people are divorced."

  Two friends met in the Strand the morning after an airplane raid.

  "Any damage done your way?" the first asked.

  "Damage! Rather!" answered the other. "Father and mother were blownclean out of the window. The neighbors say it's the first time they'vebeen seen to leave the house together in seventeen years."

  _See also_ Families; Marriage.

  DREAMS

  "Mother, wasn't that a funny dream I had last night?" said a littleboy who was busily engaged with his breakfast cereal.

  "Why, I'm sure I don't know!" replied his mother. "I haven't theslightest idea what your dream was about."

  "Why, mother, of course you know!" said the boy reproachfully. "Youwere in it."

  DRINKING

  If all be true that I do think, There are five reasons we should drink; Good wine--a friend--or being dry-- Or lest we should be by and by-- Or any other reason why.

  --_Dr. Henry Aldrich_.

  Maybe one swallow doesn't make a summer, but it would brighten it upconsiderably.

  _Dangerous Advice_

  CURATE--"You should be careful! Don't you know that drink is mankind'sworst enemy?"

  JEEMS--"Yes; but don't you teach us to love our enemies?"

  "Pussyfoot" Johnson, whose effort to prohibitionize Scotland failedrecently, was discussing his failure with a New York editor.

  "Yes, I failed," he ended, "and I'm very sorry. Conditions in Scotlandare very bad."

  "Did you ever hear the story of the deacon's daughter? This storyillustrates Scottish conditions very well.

  "The wife of a Peebles deacon took a bath one evening, and as it wasrainy, chill November weather, she swallowed a teaspoonful or two ofwhisky after her bath to keep herself from catching cold. Then inher dressing-gown she went to bid her little daughter good night. Shestooped over the child's cot and a kiss was exchanged. After the kissthe little girl drew back sharply, sniffed and said:

  "'Why, mamma, you've been using father's perfume, haven'tyou?'"--_Detroit Free Press_.

  "Now, Sam," said the speaker, "I want you to be present when I deliverthis speech."

  "Yassuh."

  "I want you to start the laughter and applause. Every time I take adrink of water, you applaud; and every time I wipe my forehead with myhandkerchief, you laugh."

  "You better switch dem signals, boss. It's a heap mo' liable to makeme laugh to see you standin' up dar deliberately takin' a drink o'water."

  A Washington business man, says the Saturday Evening Post, desiringto test the relative efficiency of two makes of mucilage, handed thebottles one morning to his shiny-faced negro messenger.

  "Here, John," he said; "try these and see which is the stickiest."

  John did not show up at the office again until about noon-time.He approached his employer's desk somewhat cautiously and gingerlydeposited thereon the two bottles of mucilage.

  "Well, John," asked the boss, "which did you find the stickiest?"

  "It wuz lak dis, boss," was the reply: "Dis one gummed up ma mouf demost; but de other one, de taste lasted de longest."

  UNABLE SEAMAN--"When I come around again the surgeon, he says to me,'I'm blooming sorry, mate, I don't know what I was thinking about,'he says, 'but there's a sponge missin', and I believe it's sewed upinside yer!' 'What's the odds,' I says, 'let it be.' An there it is tothis day."

  GULLIBLE OLD GENTLEMAN--"Bless my soul! Don't it trouble you?"

  UNABLE SEAMAN--"I don't feel no particular pain from it, but I do getmost uncommonly thirsty at times, sir."

  _See also_ Drunkards; Temperance.

  DRUNKARDS

  The Lord Mayor of London had been dining pretty well, and Mr. Choate,Ambassador to England, was seeing his Lordship to the door.

  "Now, your Lordship, if you will allow me to advise you," said Mr.Choate, "when you get to the sidewalk curb you will see tw
o hansoms.Take the one to the right: the one to the left doesn't exist."

  An intoxicated man hailed a cab.

  After he had climbed in, the cabby leaned over and asked, "What streetdo you want?"

  "What streets have you?" he inquired.

  "Lots of 'em," smiled the cabby, humoring him.

  "Gimme 'em all," he said, waving his arm grandly.

  After they had been driving for several hours, the man in the cabordered a stop.

  "How mush do I owe you?"

  "Seven dollars and fifty cents."

  "Well--you better drive back till you get to thirty-fi' shents, 'causethashall I got."

  WIFEY--"I heard a noise when you came in last night."

  HUBBY--"Perhaps it was the night falling."

  WIFEY (coldly)--"No, it wasn't, it was the day breaking."

  DUTCH

  BIX--"I see there's a report from Holland that concrete bases forGerman cannon have been found there."

  DIX--"Don't believe a word you hear from Holland. The geography saysit is a low, lying country."

  DYSPEPSIA

  _Joy of Eating_

  A well-known banker in a down-town restaurant was eating mush andmilk.

  "What's the matter?" inquired a friend.

  "Got dyspepsia."

  "Don't you enjoy your meals?"

  "Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic. "My meals aremerely guide-posts to take medicine before or after."

  "Dyspepsia seldom kills anyone," said Akinside, "but--"

  "No," returned old Festus Pester. "It makes them so talkative thateverybody else wants to kill them."

  EATING

  _If We Didn't Have To Eat_

  Life would be an easy matter If we didn't have to eat. If we never had to utter, "Won't you pass the bread and butter, Likewise push along that platter Full of meat?" Yes, if food were obsolete Life would be a jolly treat, If we didn't--shine or shower, Old or young, 'bout every hour-- Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- 'Twould be jolly if we didn't have to eat. We could save a lot of money If we didn't have to eat. Could we cease our busy buying, Baking, broiling, brewing, frying, Life would then be oh, so sunny And complete; And we wouldn't fear to greet Every grocer in the street If we didn't--man and woman, Every hungry, helpless human-- Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- We'd save money if we didn't have to eat.

  All our worry would be over If we didn't have to eat. Would the butcher, baker, grocer Get our hard-earned dollars? No, Sir! We would then be right in clover Cool and sweet. Want and hunger we could cheat, And we'd get there with both feet, If we didn't--poor or wealthy, Halt or nimble, sick or healthy-- Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- We could get there if we didn't have to eat.

  --_Nixon Waterman_.

  ECONOMY

  TOM--"I've seen the girl I want to marry. I stood behind her atthe ticket window this morning and she took seven minutes to buy afive-cent elevated ticket."

  ALICE--"Did that make you want to marry her?"

  TOM--"Yes, I figured out that she could never spend my income at thatrate."

  BOOK AGENT--"This book will teach you the way to economize."

  THE VICTIM--"That's no good to me. What I need is a book to teach mehow to live without economizing."

  How oft economy grows gay And boasts of its efficient work, When it has merely stopped the pay Of some two-thousand-dollar clerk!

  Little June's father had just returned from the store and was openingup some sheets of sticky fly-paper and placing it about the room. Junewatched a minute and then burst out with:

  "Oh, papa, down at the corner grocery you can get the paper with theflies already caught. They have lots of it in the window."

  "Well, Albert, I've been acting on your advice. I put a hundreddollars in the bank this month."

  "Fine! It isn't so hard, is it?"

  "No; I simply tore up all the bills."--_Life_.

  _See also_ Domestic finance; Thrift.

  EDITORS

  "An editor is a man who puts things in the paper, isn't he?"

  "Oh, no, my son; an editor keeps things out of the paper."

  The editor of the newspaper in a certain small southern town was givenan article to print, praising in very elegant language the life andworks of a certain southern colonel.

  The colonel and the editor were not the best of friends.

  The article came out, but in spelling "scarred," in that veryimportant phrase "battle scarred veteran," one "r" was omitted.

  The colonel threatened violence but the editor promised to admit hiserror in the next issue.

  In the following issue, in large type, appeared: "The editor of thispaper regrets very much an error in spelling in our last issue. Indescribing our most worthy colonel, instead of 'battle scared veteran'it should read, 'bottle scarred veteran.'"

  That day the editor ceased to edit. His wife was a widow.

  A country editor wrote: "Brother, don't stop your paper just becauseyou don't agree with the editor. The last cabbage you sent us didn'tagree with us either, but we didn't drop you from our subscriptionlist on that account."

  The girl reporter accepted the editor's invitation to dinner and whenasked how she enjoyed it, said:

  "Oh, fine, but I'll never go to dinner with an editor again."

  "Why not?"

  "Well, the dinner was fine, but he blue-penciled about three-quartersof my order."

  You may know the trade classic about the exchange editor. The newowner of the newspaper asked who that man was in the corner. "Theexchange editor," he was informed. "Well, fire him," said he. "All heseems to do is sit there and read all day."

  A little boy was given the stunt by his father to write an essay oneditors and here is the result:

  "If an editor makes a mistake folks say he ought to be hung; but ifa doctor makes a mistake he buries it and people dassent say nothingbecause doctors can read and write Latin. When the editor makes amistake there is lawsuits and a big fuss; but if a doctor makes onethere is a funeral, cut flowers and perfek silence. A doctor can usea word a yard long without anyone knowing what it means; but if theeditor uses one he has to spell it. If the doctor goes to see anotherman's wife he charges for the visit but if the editor goes he gets acharge of buckshot. When the doctor gets drunk it's a case of beingovercome by the heat and if he dies it's from heart trouble; when aneditor gets drunk it's a case of too much booze and if he dies it'sthe jim-jams. Any college can make a doctor; an editor has to beborn."

  Wanted, an editor, who can read, write and argue politics, and atthe same time be religious, funny, scientific and historical at will,write to please everybody, know everything, without asking or beingtold, always having something good to say of everything and everybodyelse, live on wind and make more money than enemies. For such a man, agood opening will be made in the "graveyard." He is too good to live.

  Life in a newspaper office is one compliment after another. "You lookso funny when you think," observed the blandishing Miss HarrietteUnderbill as she passed the given point known as our desk lateyesterday afternoon.

  COUNTRY EDITOR (to new assistant)--"I shall expect you to write allthe editorials, do the religious and sporting departments and turn outa joke column."

  ASSISTANT--"What are you going to do?"

  "Edit your copy."

  EDUCATION

  Education--the sum total of all the things we haven't been taught.

  WILLIE (doing his homework)--"What is the distance to the neareststar, Auntie?"

  "I'm sure I don't know, Willie."

  "Well, I hope, then, you'll feel sorry tomorrow when I'm gettingpunished for your ignorance."

  Henry was the neighborhood magistrate. He had been settling a disputebetween two blockaders. The one in whose favor the verdict was castwas filled with admiration for the facility with which Henry made outthe papers.

  "You are one of those 'read' men, ai
n't you Henry?"

  "Yes, I kin read right smart," modestly admitted Henry.

  "You been to school, ain't you?" With just pride Henry nodded hishead.

  "I reckon you been through algebra!"

  "Yes, I have," said Henry, "but it was night and I didn't seenothing."

  EMPLOYER--"For this job you've got to know French and Spanish, and thepay is eighteen dollars a week."

  "Lord, Mister! I ain't got no edication; I'm after a job in theyards."

  "See the yard-boss. We'll start you in at forty."--_Life_.

  When James A. Garfield was president of Oberlin College, a man broughtfor entrance as a student his son, for whom he wished a shorter coursethan the regular one.

  "The boy can never take all that in," said the father. "He wants toget through quicker. Can you arrange it for him?"

  "Oh, yes," said Mr. Garfield. "He can take a short course; it alldepends on what you want to make of him. When God wants to make anoak he takes a hundred years, but he takes only two months to make asquash."

  Doubtless the old woman in this story from the London Post will now beable to enlighten her husband on a troublesome subject.