Have Some Guts
and Earl steps back outside. He curiously inspects the piece of meat on the grill.
EARL
Damn woman, always picking out the fattiest pieces of meat at the store like she is trying to kill me. Might as well just pack the fat all around my heart right now.
He shrugs, and flips the chunk of whale blubber over. It has grill marks and is bubbling with juice. He brushes it down with barbecue sauce.
CUT TO:
EXT: BEACH.
The people get up from the ground and applaud and cheer for the dead whale. It is opened up like a freshly smashed watermelon. Pink and purple guts lay strewn out for thirty yards in every direction. The whale's remnants smolder and smoke.
Shauna Sparks collects herself and directs her attention to the camera.
SHAUNA
We're back, Seaside, at the whale blast zone. Just seconds ago behind me, the detonation occurred. Oddly, it was four minutes before the scheduled time. I am sure that some of you watching at home experienced some temporary difficulties as the premature blast of sperm whale might have disrupted the live satellite feed. We will attempt, however, to replay the blast for you in a few moments.
Shauna smiles at the camera.
Overhead, a fine mist of whale blood and sea water falls. It immediately thickens to a hearty rainfall as if someone is dumping two tons of whale stew over the crowd. Sloppy whale guts drop down on Shauna's head and one large lump takes out the camera and cameraman. The crowd behind Shauna is also splattered in whale blood and guts. People start falling down as they are pummeled by falling hunks of burning whale blubber. They are screaming and running in panic. Once again, it is complete mayhem.
CUT TO:
EXT: STREET.
Cars and trucks are bumper to bumper. The drivers and passengers are getting out of their cars. Everyone is focusing their silent attention on the explosion out on the beach.
A rocketing trail of fire, whale guts, and blood soars into the sky. It mushrooms once it peeks and then descends down upon the boardwalk. A few people point.
Others get back into their cars and roll up the windows.
The red mist sprinkles down on the cars and people.
Then, the rainfall of blood drips down, followed by the quick, steady shower of dead whale innards.
Everything within a two-block radius receives a liberal bathing of blood. Whale guts SMASH signs and car windshields.
SPECTATOR #1
Look out!
The Spectator dives out of the way as one slab of whale blubber roughly the size of a twin mattress SLAMS into his car. It crushes the hood and front windshield in a flurry of WET, SLOPPY CRUNCHING sounds. Shards of glass spiral through the air.
A few other large miscellaneous pieces of the whale become embedded into buildings and kiosks. The bad weather and falling debris lasts for about twenty seconds.
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH.
Kenny sits covered in blood and sand. He wipes his face with his sleeve but only smears everything around.
Numbers stands over him covered in the same mess.
Numbers pulls a handkerchief out of his back pocket and wipes his face. Numbers plops down beside Kenny in the pink sand.
NUMBERS
I am through with chasing you.
KENNY
Don't worry, I am not moving. I haven’t moved in years. I am stuck, in a rut, looking for an out from my crappy girlfriend, crappy job, crappy car. I thought that briefcase might have something in it of value, I thought it might be my out, my escape from my bland life. THIS HAS ALL BEEN A HUGE MISTAKE!
NUMBERS
I am really not in the mood to have a heart to heart with you right now. Or ever, as a matter of fact. I just want my briefcase. Where is it Kenny?
KENNY
I was sitting in that church and that evangelist's words made more sense in those two short minutes than any other piece of advice anyone has ever given me in my entire life.
NUMBERS
The briefcase, Kenny!
KENNY
I don't have it. It, it…
Kenny stalls while Numbers spits out some sand.
NUMBERS
Then, who does?
Kenny chuckles.
KENNY
Aquaman, for all I know.
NUMBERS
Don't make me swear, Kenny. Where is the DAMN briefcase?!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT: CADILLAC JACK'S.
Kenny sits silent. Hank, Haywood, and six other people intently listen as they stand around Kenny.
HANK
How'd you manage to explain the briefcase being swallowed by the whale?
Kenny shrugs.
KENNY
I didn't, really. The briefcase just kind of dropped out of the sky. NOTHING short of a miracle!
CHAD approaches Haywood. He is a food server and he has tartar and cocktail sauce smeared down his black shirt and apron.
CHAD
Excuse me, sir. I just dropped a fried fish platter, some tartar sauce, and cocktail sauce on a lady and her kid. Well, on myself too. Would you be able to go talk to her? She is a little upset with me right now.
HAYWOOD
Yeah, in a minute Chad. So, did the briefcase literally just fall come out of the sky?
KENNY
Do you want to go handle that lady first and I can continue when you get back?
HAYWOOD
Nah, Hank will go talk to her.
Hank looks surprised.
HANK
Me? Why me? You go.
A lady walks by behind them towards the bathroom with red and white sauces on her head and blouse.
HAYWOOD
Chad, go offer her free desert or something. Ok, please continue, Kenny.
CHAD
Uh, ok.
Chad scratches his head and slowly walks away.
Kenny looks unsure of what just happened. Hank wipes his mouth on his sleeve again.
HANK
Please, continue.
CUT TO:
EXT: BEACH.
Numbers and Kenny sit side by side both looking unsure of what to do or say. Numbers cracks his knuckles.
NUMBERS
Kenny, it is important that you remember where you placed the briefcase because…
Twenty feet away, the briefcase crashes into the sand.
It is swamped in whale guts and seaweed and the leather is wrinkled. The lock pops open. Both men hop to their feet and step towards the briefcase.
KENNY
Impossible.
NUMBERS
Did that briefcase just fall from the sky? Kenny, you should be counting your blessings right now.
KENNY
There's no way. I have a better chance of being struck by lightning with my luck!
NUMBERS
Someone up above is looking out for you.
Kenny peers inside the briefcase. His face expresses confusion.
KENNY
What? That's what's in there? All this time I have been on the run for..for..that!
Kenny points at the briefcase. Numbers closes it and grips it tightly.
NUMBERS
It doesn't surprise me. If you knew who this thing belonged too, you wouldn't have ever bothered.
Numbers walks away. He stops and turns around.
NUMBERS
Hey, by the way. Tell Kimmy I am sorry about the whole kitchen sink thing. Here is my card, please make sure she gets it. And you, you should get out of town for a bit.
Numbers jams a business card in Kenny's shirt pocket and walks away.
CUT TO:
INT: KENNY'S HOUSE. FOLLOWING MORNING.
The house is still a mess. The cool light of the morning pours in through the windows while Kenny is asleep on the couch. He is in pajama bottoms and a thermal. The television quietly buzzes.
INSERT: TELEVISION
Mitch and Melanie in the Morning. Mitch is shuffling papers while Melanie adjusts her microphone.
MELANIE
Welcome back, Seaside. It is half past seven and time for our early weather report with Peter Tannenbaum.
Peter wears a tie with an apple on it.
MELANIE
Well, Peter, good morning. We see that you have changed your neck-tie midweek. Any particular reason?
Peter straightens his tie.
PETER
Well, actually Melanie. I figured that the whale tie might have been slightly inappropriate after yesterday's events for many reasons I would rather not discuss. But I am willing to discuss the weather!
MELANIE
Sure, Peter.
PETER
Well, once again. I am predicting RAIN. About…
MELANIE
(interrupting)
Hey, Peter. Whatabout the SEVEN whole inches you promised me last night? I can't say I got any at all.
Peter stands silent for a moment. Mitch busts out laughing.
PETER
For all our people watching this morning. Let me clarify that Melanie is talking about rain.
Peter smiles with complete victory towards the camera as Melanie turns crimson red.
BACK TO SCENE
Kenny awakens to someone POUNDING on the front door. He rolls over and off the couch. The POUNDING continues. He staggers to the door and opens it as the phone begins to RING. He opens the door.
Kimmy steps in and slugs him in the nose. Kenny stumbles back and falls onto his butt. The phone RINGS again.
KIMMY
That was for my Pudding! My poor girl was running through the streets lost and scared because you left the front door open! And then, these two crazy men break into my house and threaten my life because you won't give them back their briefcase. And then they tie me to the plumbing under the sink and I am forced to pee on myself! That's it,