Beauty From Love

How did my life turn to this overnight? Jack Henry and I had everything. We were on top of the world one minute and cast into hell the next. I know I need time to absorb this shock, but I’m not sure I’ll get over this one, especially if he’s had a baby with another woman.

  It all happened so fast but that’s generally how a kick to the gut feels. I was so giddy to read that fucking pee stick with him but instead I find out he had a baby with one of the twelve. Maybe.

  “Laurie?” I’m startled when I hear Addison’s voice. I forgot she stayed last night.

  “Yeah, it’s me. I’m alone. I left Jack Henry at the hotel. Addie, something bad happened this morning. I mean, really bad.” I want to throw up just thinking about saying the words. Another woman had my husband’s baby. I’m not sure I can force that to roll from my tongue.

  “Laurie, I’m bleeding.” I wipe the water from my eyes and open the shower door. “How much?” She doesn’t have to tell me. I can see the stream running down her legs.

  “It’s a lot.”

  I attempt to appear calm. “It’s okay. Go lie down on my bed and I’ll get dressed.”

  I’m trembling as I dry off and pull on clothes. I tie my wet hair into a bun. “Hey, girl, how you doing in there?”

  “Not good. I can feel blood gushing when I move.”

  “Then stay really still. I’m almost ready.” I put my shoes on and go into the bedroom, following the trail of blood on the floor. Holy shit. My bedroom looks like a crime scene.

  “I’m sorry, Laurie,” Addison cries when she sees the look on my face. “I think I’ve ruined your bedding.”

  “No worries about the linens.” She needs a pad—a huge one—but I only have small pantyliners. “You can’t go to the hospital in this so hold up. I’m going to grab you something to put on.” I fetch a pair of Jack Henry’s sleep pants and a towel from the bathroom. “Take your panties off and put this between your legs.” I spread his pants on the floor for her to step into. “Foot in. Foot in.” I pull them up and pull the tie so they fit her snuggly in the waist. “Can you walk?”

  “Yeah, but I think blood is gonna gush out with every step I take.”

  “It’s okay.” But is it? I’m scared shitless. I’ve never seen so much blood.

  We begin the walk from my bedroom to the car. It isn’t a long distance but I swear it’s never felt so far.

  She’s crying. “I’m losing this baby, Laurie.”

  “You don’t know that for sure.” I want to be reassuring but she’s probably right. I don’t know how she could bleed that much and not be having a miscarriage.

  “I still haven’t told Zac. I guess that won’t be a problem now.”

  “Don’t talk like that.”

  “I’m being realistic,” she argues.

  “Mothers are optimists, not realists.”

  We get into my SUV and I’m driving much faster than I should. “I need them to tell me everything is okay because I really want this baby, Laurie. Even if Zac doesn’t. I’ve already decided I’m keeping it and raising it alone if I have to.”

  I reach for her hand and give it a squeeze. “Pray, Addie. Ask God to protect your baby.”

  “You know I don’t do that.” Like right now is the time to be stubborn and think you don’t need the help of a higher power.

  “Well, maybe you should.”

  Addison is taken into the emergency room and they begin her assessment quickly since anyone could see that she’s bleeding way too much. “Any idea when your last period was, Miss Donavon?”

  “The last normal one was on October seventeenth. I spotted in November but I don’t know if it qualifies as a period.”

  The woman types the date into the ultrasound machine. “Okay. We’ll use the one in October since November doesn’t sound like a period. That gives you a due date of July twenty-fourth, which makes you … fifteen weeks. Looks like you probably conceived on or around October thirty-first.” The woman grins. “I guess you had a fun Halloween.”

  “Yeah, it was a good one.”

  “Addison! You didn’t tell me you were so far along. You should’ve already seen a doctor.” How could she be so irresponsible?

  “I didn’t know I was that pregnant. I thought I was two, maybe going on three months at the most since I spotted in November.”

  “You’re almost four months. Shit, it’s almost half over.”

  “Let’s do a scan and see what’s going on here.” The woman squeezes a bottle and clear jelly squirts onto Addison’s stomach. She places a probe in the wetness and makes swirling motions, spreading it across her belly. All of us are silent, staring intently at the screen. The difference is she knows what she’s looking at. Addison and I have no idea.

  She points at a white flashing on the screen. “This is your baby’s heartbeat. Can you see it?”

  “I do.” She stares at the screen, tears streaming down her face. “I haven’t lost my baby?”

  “He or she is hanging in there. I think I see what’s causing all this bleeding but I need some better scans for the radiologist to read. Take a breath and relax while I get the pictures I need.”

  We stare at the screen because it’s so amazing. “Omigod, Addie. Look. It already has arms and legs and I can see them moving.”

  “I prayed to God, Laurie. I begged Him to not take my baby and He didn’t.” Addison squeezes my hand. “Will you call Zac and ask him to come to the hospital? He should be here with me.”

  I hate that it took something so catastrophic to bring her to her senses, but thank goodness she’s finally going to tell him. “Of course—but what do you want me to say? He’s going to panic when I tell him you’re in the hospital.”

  “Tell him I’m fine but that I’m asking for him. I want to be the one to tell him about the baby.”

  “I’m on it.” I’ll have to use a public phone since I left mine at home in the mad dash to get here.

  Addison is admitted to a room and is all settled when Zac does just as I predict—he barrels into the room panicked, although I’ve assured him she is fine. His eyes grow huge when he sees a very pale Addie in the bed. “What happened to her?”

  “Addison wants to be the one to tell you.” I put my hand on her arm. “Addie. Zac’s here.”

  She stirs and opens her eyes before a wide smile spreads. “Hey, baby.”

  He’s instantly at her side, crouching so he’s face to face with her. “What’s wrong?”

  It’s time for me to go. “I’m going to leave so you can talk.”

  Neither acknowledge me or my exit; they’re both too terrified, but for completely different reasons.

  I’m driving to Avalon, knowing the whole way that Laurelyn will kick me out when I get there. It’s her thing—what she does when she’s angry with me. And she’s super pissed right now. There’s no way she’ll let me stay after the way this morning went, but I can’t sit back and do nothing. I have to try.

  I enter the house through the kitchen and toss my keys onto the counter. L isn’t in the kitchen or the living room. “Laurelyn?” I’m not sure she’ll answer if she isn’t speaking to me but I call out her name again anyway. “Laurelyn.” No reply—that’s no surprise.

  I enter our bedroom and nothing can prepare me for what I find. “What the fuck happened in here?” There’s a huge pool of blood on Laurelyn’s side of the bed with a trail leading into the bathroom. And a path going out the door down the hallway. I had to have walked through it on my way to the bedroom. How did I not see it?

  This is no small amount of blood. Something significant happened here.

  I take my cell out and call her. The sound of my personal ringtone echoes from the bathroom. She doesn’t have her phone and I’m further alarmed. I pick it up and look at her recent calls. The last one was made to Addison last night, long before she returned to the hotel, so I dial Ad
dison and get no answer. Shit!

  I look at the pool of blood on the floor and begin mapping it out in my head. I smell her body wash so she took a shower. She left a wet towel on the floor, something she never does, so she was either in a hurry or something happened, like a sudden case of profuse bleeding. There’s a trail leading from the puddle to the bed. She must have gone to lie down after it started, hoping it would stop, but from the looks of things, it only worsened.

  Oh fuck! I’m panicking because this is very bad.

  There’s a pair of blood-soaked panties on the floor so she has to be miscarrying—it’s the only possible scenario that fits. And it’s all my fault. I did this to her and our baby.

  I follow the trail from the bedroom, up the hall, and through the kitchen to the garage. Her car is gone. I wasn’t here to help her so she must’ve gotten into her car to drive herself to the hospital. Why didn’t she call an ambulance? Or me?

  There’s more than one hospital so I have no idea which she would have gone to. I take my phone out and start calling. “I’m trying to find my wife. Laurelyn McLachlan.”

  I’m put on hold at least a dozen times before I finally speak to someone who can give me answers. “Sir, we don’t have a patient by that name.”

  I hang up to call the next hospital and I’m told for a second time that Laurelyn isn’t a patient at their facility. My mind races. Maybe she didn’t make it to the hospital because she passed out from the bleeding. It’s possible. There is a fuckload of blood on our bed, not to mention what’s on the floor.

  Her car. It can be traced. I’m in the process of finding the number to call when I hear the garage door open and then close. I dash to the kitchen and see Laurelyn, safe and sound. I drop my phone and rush to her, taking her in my arms and squeezing. “Fuck, you scared me. What the hell happened in our bedroom?”

  I lessen my hold because I’m afraid I’m squeezing too hard but I don’t let go. “Addison started bleeding. Bad.”

  “Are she and the baby okay?”

  “Yeah, but can we go inside? It’s been a crazy morning and I’d really like to sit down.”

  I let go of her and we go into the house. She sits on the couch and kicks off her shoes before putting her feet up on the coffee table. “The doctor says she has a previa. Her placenta attached itself at the bottom of the uterus next to her cervix instead of the top where it should be.”

  That doesn’t sound good. “How serious is it?”

  “They say it’ll probably resolve itself because it’ll grow up away from the cervix as the baby develops, but they put her on bed rest until that happens since her bleeding was so heavy.”

  “And if it doesn’t resolve on its own?” I ask but am afraid to hear the answer.

  “They won’t let her go into labor if the placenta is still attached to the cervix. She’ll stay on bed rest the remainder of the pregnancy and get a C-section when her due date comes.”

  “Which is when?”

  “July twenty-fourth.” I’m trying to do the math in my head but they figure that pregnancy stuff differently. “She’s almost four months.”

  “Whoa. She’s that far along and still hasn’t told Zac?”

  “She told him and he was happy about it—like, really happy. He proposed—already had the ring and everything. He’d been walking around with it for weeks and was just waiting for the perfect time to present itself.”

  I understand that. “And it never did so he seized the moment. Sound familiar?”

  “Yeah. It sort of does.”

  I don’t want to address the latest shitstorm, but I have to. “We’re scheduled to go in for a paternity test at the end of the week. It’s the soonest we could get in with the doctor my lawyer recommended. He says it’ll take a little longer to get the results since we’re doing a legal paternity test and not a personal.”

  “How long?”

  “Probably a week.” She sighs and looks up at the ceiling as tears form in her eyes. “Look at me, L.” She lowers her face and tears spill onto her cheeks. “If that boy is mine, I have to take care of him. You know I do.”

  “I know and it’s one of the things I love about you. You’d never turn a child away like my father did.”

  She’s going to think I’m talking nonsense but I have to tell her how I feel. “But he’s not mine. Don’t ask me to explain how I can be so certain without proof, but I’m not wrong about this, L.”

  “You can’t possibly know that,” she argues.

  “I don’t feel a connection to him at all.”

  “You’ve never seen him. You wouldn’t feel something for a child you’ve never laid eyes on.”

  I place one of my hands on her stomach. “I’ve never seen this one and I’m already connected to it. I love this baby with all my heart.”

  “So I’m pregnant?” She sounds … I don’t know. Angry? Disappointed? Definitely not thrilled. She’s probably pissed off because I looked, but I don’t regret it. This baby is a goodness I need so badly in my life right now.

  “Yes. The test was lying on the bathroom counter staring me in the face. I debated but couldn’t bring myself to trash it without checking the results first.” She looks at my hand on her stomach and a sob escapes, leaving me wondering if it’s one of joy or sadness. “Please don’t cry, L. It breaks my heart in two.”

  “This isn’t the beautiful image I had in mind for us finding out we were having a baby. I imagined us having this really special moment filled with ecstatic joy and tears of happiness. I pictured us making love afterward, maybe you’d kiss my belly and tell me how much you were going to love seeing it grow with your baby.”

  This isn’t what I wanted, either, but it is what it is. “Listen to me. There’s a part of me growing inside you and he or she isn’t any less special because of what may or may not have happened three years ago. No, this isn’t the way I envisioned it, but we’ve created life, L. We deserve our moment of happiness so please don’t lessen how special our child is because of what happened this morning.”

  “Omigod. You’re right. That’s what I’m doing.” She looks at her stomach and puts both of her hands on top of mine. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what got into me.”

  I do. Jenna Rosenthal. She’s done a hell of a doozy on us both.

  I kneel on the floor at Laurelyn’s feet. I pull her bum to the edge of the couch and push her shirt up so I can kiss her stomach. It’s flat as a washboard but not for much longer. “I love you and this baby so much. I can’t wait to see him or her growing in your belly every day.”

  She strokes her fingers through my hair. “I love you and this baby more than anything in this world.”

  I feel like I can breathe again. “You don’t know how happy that makes me hearing you say that.”

  “But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m being honest if I don’t tell you how pissed off I am about your past reemerging to disrupt our lives again.”

  I really wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away. “I’d give anything if I could change it. You deserve so much more than the shit I put you through. This is what I was talking about when I said I was terrified you were going to wake up one day and see that I’m not worthy of your love.”

  “I’ve told you before … I despise what you did. It’s a hard pill to swallow every time it’s shoved down my throat.”

  “I know. I hate it as much as you—and it seems the ghosts of my past are going to keep showing up in our lives—so I need to know if you can handle it.” She said she couldn’t this morning, but she’d just found out about this possible son of mine and she didn’t know she was pregnant. I hope she’s changed her mind.

  “I knew what I was getting myself into when I married you, and the decision to have a baby was half mine. I can’t back out now.”

  That’s not the answer I was hoping for. “Would you
back out on me if you weren’t pregnant?”

  “I can’t say what I would or wouldn’t do if that were the case. It isn’t possible for me to know.”

  She’s so hurt and angry. I’m inclined to believe she would leave me if it weren’t for the pregnancy so I have to wonder if she’s rethinking her decision. “Our baby is not a mistake.”

  “In light of this morning’s events, the timing isn’t perfect, but I would never think of our child as a mistake.”

  No child should be viewed that way but it’s all I can think when I consider Jenna’s son being mine. And I’m a son of a bitch for feeling that way. “Will you go with me for the paternity test?”

  “Will we be called back with them into the same exam room?” she asks.

  “No. I made our appointments an hour apart so I wouldn’t have to see them. There’s no point in having contact with the child if he isn’t mine.”

  “Then I’ll go with you.”

  “Thank you.” I place my head in her lap and stay that way for a while as I consider how things will go if Jenna’s son is mine. “I’m scared, L. I’m terrified nothing will be the same for us if this turns out badly.” She says she wants to hear my fears and know my demons, but I don’t think she would want to know how I really feel. It could bring up memories concerning the way her father felt about her so I keep it to myself.

  Paternity test day is here. I told Jack Henry I would go with him but I want to back out. The whole thing scares the shit out of me. To top it off, I’m nauseated as hell. I lie motionless, waiting for the wave to pass but it lingers. I guess this is what I have to look forward to in the mornings—and it sucks.

  We’ve been sleeping in the same bed all week, but we haven’t made love. He hasn’t even tried. I guess I should be glad since it would complicate this whole situation further, but I don’t like living as roommates. I desperately miss the intimacy I share with my husband and the more we grow apart, the more I see how unhappy I would be without him.

  He comes into the room and sits on the bed next to me. He cups his hand around mine and produces a crooked smile, but there’s no joy in it or his eyes. “The appointment is in an hour and a half.”