Barry Lyndon

  CHAPTER VIII. BARRY'S ADIEU TO MILITARY PROFESSION

  You who have never been out of your country, know little what it is tohear a friendly voice in captivity; and there's many a man that will notunderstand the cause of the burst of feeling which I have confessed tookplace on my seeing my uncle. He never for a minute thought to questionthe truth of what I said. 'Mother of God!' cried he, 'it's my brotherHarry's son.' And I think in my heart he was as much affected as I wasat thus suddenly finding one of his kindred; for he, too, was an exilefrom home, and a friendly voice, a look, brought the old country back tohis memory again, and the old days of his boyhood. 'I'd give five yearsof my life to see them again,' said he, after caressing me very warmly.'What?' asked I. 'Why,' replied he, 'the green fields, and the river,and the old round tower, and the burying-place at Ballybarry. 'Twas ashame for your father to part with the land, Redmond, that went so longwith the name.'

  He then began to ask me concerning myself, and I gave him my history atsome length; at which the worthy gentleman laughed many times, saying,that I was a Barry all over. In the middle of my story he would stopme, to make me stand back to back, and measure with him (by which Iascertained that our heights were the same, and that my uncle hada stiff knee, moreover, which made him walk in a peculiar way), anduttered, during the course of the narrative, a hundred exclamations ofpity, and kindness, and sympathy. It was 'Holy Saints!' and 'Mother ofHeaven!' and 'Blessed Mary!' continually; by which, and with justice, Iconcluded that he was still devotedly attached to the ancient faith ofour family.

  It was with some difficulty that I came to explain to him the last partof my history, viz., that I was put into his service as a watch upon hisactions, of which I was to give information in a certain quarter. WhenI told him (with a great deal of hesitation) of this fact, he burst outlaughing, and enjoyed the joke amazingly. 'The rascals!' said he; 'theythink to catch me, do they? Why, Redmond, my chief conspiracy is afaro-bank. But the King is so jealous, that he will see a spy in everyperson who comes to his miserable capital in the great sandy deserthere. Ah, my boy, I must show you Paris and Vienna!'

  I said there was nothing I longed for more than to see any city butBerlin, and should be delighted to be free of the odious militaryservice. Indeed, I thought, from his splendour of appearance, theknickknacks about the room, the gilded carriage in the remise, that myuncle was a man of vast property; and that he would purchase a dozen,nay, a whole regiment of substitutes, in order to restore me to freedom.

  But I was mistaken in my calculations regarding him, as his history ofhimself speedily showed me. 'I have been beaten about the world,' saidhe, 'ever since the year 1742, when my brother your father (and Heavenforgive him) cut my family estate from under my heels, by turningheretic, in order to marry that scold of a mother of yours. Well, letbygones be bygones. 'Tis probable that I should have run through thelittle property as he did in my place, and I should have had to begina year or two later the life I have been leading ever since I wascompelled to leave Ireland. My lad, I have been in every service;and, between ourselves, owe money in every capital in Europe. I made acampaign or two with the Pandours under Austrian Trenck. I was captainin the Guard of His Holiness the Pope, I made the campaign of Scotlandwith the Prince of Wales--a bad fellow, my dear, caring more forhis mistress and his brandy-bottle than for the crowns of the threekingdoms. I have served in Spain and in Piedmont; but I have been arolling stone, my good fellow. Play--play has been my ruin; that andbeauty' (here he gave a leer which made him, I must confess, lookanything but handsome; besides, his rouged cheeks were all beslobberedwith the tears which he had shed on receiving me). 'The women have madea fool of me, my dear Redmond. I am a soft-hearted creature, and thisminute, at sixty-two, have no more command of myself than when PeggyO'Dwyer made a fool of me at sixteen.'

  ''Faith sir,' says I, laughing, 'I think it runs in the family!' anddescribed to him, much to his amusement, my romantic passion for mycousin, Nora Brady. He resumed his narrative.

  'The cards now are my only livelihood. Sometimes I am in luck, and thenI lay out my money in these trinkets you see. It's property, look you,Redmond; and the only way I have found of keeping a little about me.When the luck goes against me, why, my dear, my diamonds go to thepawnbrokers, and I wear paste. Friend Moses the goldsmith will pay me avisit this very day; for the chances have been against me all the weekpast, and I must raise money for the bank to-night. Do you understandthe cards?'

  I replied that I could play as soldiers do, but had no great skill.

  'We will practise in the morning, my boy,' said he, 'and I'll put you upto a thing or two worth knowing.'

  Of course I was glad to have such an opportunity of acquiring knowledge,and professed myself delighted to receive my uncle's instruction.

  The Chevalier's account of himself rather disagreeably affected me.All his show was on his back, as he said. His carriage, with the finegilding, was a part of his stock in trade. He HAD a sort of mission fromthe Austrian Court:--it was to discover whether a certain quantity ofalloyed ducats which had been traced to Berlin, were from the King'streasury. But the real end of Monsieur de Balibari was play. There wasa young attache of the English embassy, my Lord Deuceace, afterwardsViscount and Earl of Crabs in the English peerage, who was playing high;and it was after hearing of the passion of this young English noblemanthat my uncle, then at Prague, determined to visit Berlin and engagehim. For there is a sort of chivalry among the knights of the dice-box:the fame of great players is known all over Europe. I have known theChevalier de Casanova, for instance, to travel six hundred miles, fromParis to Turin, for the purpose of meeting Mr. Charles Fox, then only myLord Holland's dashing son, afterwards the greatest of European oratorsand statesmen.

  It was agreed that I should keep my character of valet; that in thepresence of strangers I should not know a word of English; that I shouldkeep a good look-out on the trumps when I was serving the champagne andpunch about; and, having a remarkably fine eyesight and a great naturalaptitude, I was speedily able to give my dear uncle much assistanceagainst his opponents at the green table. Some prudish persons mayaffect indignation at the frankness of these confessions, but Heavenpity them! Do you suppose that any man who has lost or won a hundredthousand pounds at play will not take the advantages which his neighbourenjoys? They are all the same. But it is only the clumsy fool whoCHEATS; who resorts to the vulgar expedients of cogged dice and cutcards. Such a man is sure to go wrong some time or other, and is not fitto play in the society of gallant gentlemen; and my advice to people whosee such a vulgar person at his pranks is, of course, to back himwhile he plays, but never--never to have anything to do with him. Playgrandly, honourably. Be not, of course, cast down at losing; but aboveall, be not eager at winning, as mean souls are. And, indeed, with allone's skill and advantages, winning is often problematical; I have seena sheer ignoramus that knows no more of play than of Hebrew, blunder youout of five thousand pounds in a few turns of the cards. I have seen agentleman and his confederate play against another and HIS confederate.One never is secure in these cases: and when one considers the time andlabour spent, the genius, the anxiety, the outlay of money required, themultiplicity of bad debts that one meets with (for dishonourable rascalsare to be found at the play-table, as everywhere else in the world),I say, for my part, the profession is a bad one; and, indeed, havescarcely ever met a man who, in the end, profited by it. I am writingnow with the experience of a man of the world. At the time I speak of Iwas a lad, dazzled by the idea of wealth, and respecting, certainly toomuch, my uncle's superior age and station in life.

  There is no need to particularise here the little arrangements madebetween us; the playmen of the present day want no instruction, I takeit, and the public have little interest in the matter. But simplicitywas our secret. Everything successful is simple. If, for instance, Iwiped the dust off a chair with my napkin, it was to show that the enemywas strong in diamonds; if I pushed it, he had ace, king; if I said,'Punch or wine, my Lord?' he
arts was meant; if 'Wine or punch?' clubs.If I blew my nose, it was to indicate that there was another confederateemployed by the adversary; and THEN, I warrant you, some pretty trialsof skill would take place. My Lord Deuceace, although so young, had avery great skill and cleverness with the cards in every way; and it wasonly from hearing Frank Punter, who came with him, yawn three times whenthe Chevalier had the ace of trumps, that I knew we were Greek to Greek,as it were.

  My assumed dulness was perfect; and I used to make Monsieur dePotzdorff laugh with it, when I carried my little reports to him atthe Garden-house outside the town where he gave me rendezvous. Thesereports, of course, were arranged between me and my uncle beforehand. Iwas instructed (and it is always far the best way) to tell as much truthas my story would possibly bear. When, for instance, he would ask me,'What does the Chevalier do of a morning?'

  'He goes to church regularly' (he was very religious), 'and afterhearing mass comes home to breakfast. Then he takes an airing in hischariot till dinner, which is served at noon. After dinner he writes hisletters, if he have any letters to write: but he has very little todo in this way. His letters are to the Austrian envoy, with whom hecorresponds, but who does not acknowledge him; and being written inEnglish, of course I look over his shoulder. He generally writes formoney. He says he wants it to bribe the secretaries of the Treasury,in order to find out really where the alloyed ducats come from; but,in fact, he wants it to play of evenings, when he makes his party withCalsabigi, the lottery-contractor, the Russian attaches, two from theEnglish embassy, my Lords Deuceace and Punter, who play a jeu d'enfer,and a few more. The same set meet every night at supper: there areseldom any ladies; those who come are chiefly French ladies, members ofthe corps de ballet. He wins often, but not always. Lord Deuceace is avery fine player. The Chevalier Elliot, the English Minister, sometimescomes, on which occasion the secretaries do not play. Monsieur deBalibari dines at the missions, but en petit comite, not on grand daysof reception. Calsabigi, I think, is his confederate at play. He haswon lately; but the week before last he pledged his solitaire for fourhundred ducats.'

  'Do he and the English attaches talk together in their own language?'

  'Yes; he and the envoy spoke yesterday for half-an-hour about the newdanseuse and the American troubles: chiefly about the new danseuse.'

  It will be seen that the information I gave was very minute andaccurate, though not very important. But such as it was, it was carriedto the ears of that famous hero and warrior the Philosopher of SansSouci; and there was not a stranger who entered the capital but hisactions were similarly spied and related to Frederick the Great.

  As long as the play was confined to the young men of the differentembassies, His Majesty did not care to prevent it; nay, he encouragedplay at all the missions, knowing full well that a man in difficultiescan be made to speak, and that a timely rouleau of Frederics wouldoften get him a secret worth many thousands. He got some papers fromthe French house in this way: and I have no doubt that my Lord Deuceacewould have supplied him with information at a similar rate, had hischief not known the young nobleman's character pretty well, and had(as is usually the case) the work of the mission performed by a steadyroturier, while the young brilliant bloods of the suite sported theirembroidery at the balls, or shook their Mechlin ruffles over the greentables at faro. I have seen many scores of these young sprigs since,of these and their principals, and, mon Dieu! what fools they are! Whatdullards, what fribbles, what addle-headed simple coxcombs! This is oneof the lies of the world, this diplomacy; or how could we suppose, thatwere the profession as difficult as the solemn red-box and tape-menwould have us believe, they would invariably choose for it littlepink-faced boys from school, with no other claim than mamma's title, andable at most to judge of a curricle, a new dance, or a neat boot?

  When it became known, however, to the officers of the garrison thatthere was a faro-table in town, they were wild to be admitted to thesport; and, in spite of my entreaties to the contrary, my uncle wasnot averse to allow the young gentlemen their fling, and once or twicecleared a handsome sum out of their purses. It was in vain I told himthat I must carry the news to my captain, before whom his comrades wouldnot fail to talk, and who would thus know of the intrigue even withoutmy information.

  'Tell him,' said my uncle.

  'They will send you away,' said I; 'then what is to become of me?'

  'Make your mind easy,' said the latter, with a smile; 'you shall not beleft behind, I warrant you. Go take a last look at your barracks, makeyour mind easy; say a farewell to your friends in Berlin. The dearsouls, how they will weep when they hear you are out of the country;and, as sure as my name is Barry, out of it you shall go!'

  'But how, sir?' said I.

  'Recollect Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham,' said he knowingly. ''Tis youyourself taught me how. Go get me one of my wigs. Open my despatch-boxyonder, where the great secrets of the Austrian Chancery lie; put yourhair back off you forehead; clap me on this patch and these moustaches,and now look in the glass!'

  'The Chevalier de Balibari,' said I, bursting with laughter, and beganwalking the room in his manner with his stiff knee.

  The next day, when I went to make my report to Monsieur de Potzdorff, Itold him of the young Prussian officers that had been of late gambling;and he replied, as I expected, that the King had determined to send theChevalier out of the country.

  'He is a stingy curmudgeon,' I replied; 'I have had but three Fredericsfrom him in two months, and I hope you will remember your promise toadvance me!'

  'Why, three Frederics were too much for the news you have picked up,'said the Captain, sneering.

  'It is not my fault that there has been no more,' I replied. 'When is heto go, sir?'

  'The day after to-morrow. You say he drives after breakfast and beforedinner. When he comes out to his carriage, a couple of gendarmes willmount the box, and the coachman will get his orders to move on.'

  'And his baggage, sir?' said I.

  'Oh! that will be sent after him. I have a fancy to look into that redbox which contains his papers, you say; and at noon, after parade, shallbe at the inn. You will not say a word to any one there regarding theaffair, and will wait for me at the Chevalier's rooms until my arrival.We must force that box. You are a clumsy hound, or you would have gotthe key long ago!'

  I begged the Captain to remember me, and so took my leave of him. Thenext night I placed a couple of pistols under the carriage seat; andI think the adventures of the following day are quite worthy of thehonours of a separate chapter.