All I Am--Drew's Story

  “I could delay my trip,” she says tentatively, on a little shrug. “You know, so we can have dinner.”

  Life pumps in my veins again. That would be perfect. No pressure. I’ll tell her about Georgia, and we’ll go from there. “You’d do that?”

  “Sure. Changing a flight isn’t too hard.” She smiles shyly, and something passes between us. Maybe understanding. But it’s tarnished somewhat on my part, because while I have all the facts, Raya does not. But she will soon. I yank her back down to me and lose myself once more.

  Hopefully not for the last time.

  Chapter 10

  Have you slept?” Coral asks, taking in my untrimmed stubble, my crumpled clothes, and my bloodshot eyes. I know I look a state, and for once in my life I don’t give a shit. No, I haven’t slept. After I took Raya home, I spent all night wondering how the fuck I’m going to tell her about my little girl. I have too much going on in my head to care much for my appearance. So my answer to Coral’s question is a scowl. She has a towel wrapped around her wet hair, a small robe on that’s not quite fastened enough; the plunge between her breasts appears strategic. It does nothing for me.

  I take Georgia’s hand and walk us down to the car. “Daddy, are you sick?” Her concerned face looks up at me, her pigtails wonky.

  “I have a headache,” I admit. “But do you know what will make it better?” I stop us at the car and straighten her hair ties.

  “What?”

  I crouch before her. “Ice cream in the park.”

  “Yay!” She squeals and launches herself at me, so I’m forced to place a hand on the concrete behind me to support us. “Can we go on the swings?”

  “Sure we can.” I lift her and walk around to the other side, getting her in the car. “You can push me.” Her nose wrinkles, and she giggles when I tickle her belly.

  * * *

  My idea of an outing in the park wasn’t entirely for Georgia’s benefit. I desperately need the fresh air to clear my pounding head.

  “You okay, Dad?”

  “Huh?” I look down at my girl as we wander toward the lake, her hand covered by mine.

  Her face furrows. “You keep jumping.”

  “Do I?”

  “Yes, like this.” Her shoulders spring up, her lips puckered.

  I laugh, flexing my grip on her hand. “Sorry, pidge. I’m a bit distracted.” I look at her out of the corner of my eye, wondering if I’m brave enough to plunge into a conversation with my seven-year-old about a relationship. It’s only ever been me and her. What will she make of another woman in my life?

  “What’s on your mind, Daddy?” Our hands swing between us, and she looks up at me with concern.

  I can’t do it. What would I say anyway? Besides, I should wait for Raya’s reaction to my news before I even think to concern Georgia with a woman who may or may not be in our life. What if I tell her and Raya bolts?

  “I was wondering if I’m going to have one scoop of ice cream or two.”

  “Three!” she sings, stopping and jumping on the spot excitedly.

  I laugh and point toward the lake. “Shall we skip?”

  She snorts. “Boys can’t skip.”

  “Wanna bet?” I release her and break into what I’m pretty sure is a skip.

  Clearly my daughter thinks otherwise, her small body folding with laughter, her palms meeting her knees to hold her up. “That’s not skipping, silly.” Like a pro, she passes me with grace and elegance, dancing off toward the lake. “This is skipping!”

  “Easy peasy!” I shout, following on behind, smiling like mad at her pigtails swinging like propellers as she goes. “See, I can do it.”

  Georgia looks back, a little breathless. “Oh, Daddy.” She shakes her head, dismayed, as I barrel toward her, legs kicking out all over the place. “You’re funny.”

  I’m blowing out my fucking arse by the time I make it to her, now my hands braced on my knees as I puff before her. “Ice cream?”

  “Yes!”

  I turn and crouch so she can take up position on my back. Her arms around my shoulders, her face close to mine. I sigh and get us on our way.

  “Do you think they have salted caramel?” she asks.

  “I hope so. It’s my favorite, too.” I take us through the maze of rosebushes, leaning down when Georgia demands so she can pick one. “Just one. And watch the thorns.” She plucks it delicately from the bush and tucks it behind my ear.

  Breaking out through a small opening onto the path that leads to the riverside ice cream parlour, I drop her to her feet and transfer the rose from my ear to hers. “Why don’t you get that seat?” I point to the bench facing out onto the river, where swans are swimming in circles waiting for any scraps left by passersby. She’s off quickly, still skipping, still putting me to shame. “Don’t go too near the swans!” I call after her.

  “I won’t!”

  I make my way inside, relieved to see salted caramel is on the menu. I order two sundaes, one eye trained on the window where I can see Georgia on the bench, her legs swinging happily. “Can I get some napkins?” I ask, preparing for the mess that’s about to ensue.

  When I make it to the door, I start to negotiate the ice creams into one hand to let myself out.

  “Let me get that for you.”

  “Thanks.” The door is pulled open, and I’m about to make my way through when the voice registers, dropping anchors into my feet as it does. I glance up and find Raya holding the door open.

  “Hi,” she says, her face pink and damp from exertion. She’s clad in Lycra, but not very much of it.

  “Hi,” I mumble back. Oh fuck. What do I do? “Been for a run?” What a stupid question.

  “No, horse riding.” She rolls her eyes and moves in, reaching up and kissing my cheek, her warm palms resting on my chest.

  If my hands weren’t full and my mind in fucking chaos, I’d embrace her, kiss the living daylights out of her, but instead I’m a statue, tense and worried. So fucking worried.

  “You okay?” she asks.

  I watch her register the two dishes of ice cream in my hands. One for me, and one for…who? That’s what she’s thinking. I quickly glance across to the bench where Georgia is, seeing she’s at a safe distance. “Yeah, you?” I straighten my shoulders and regret it. My need to stand tall and try to act normal has just earned me a killer of a stab in my shoulder.

  “Still struggling?” Raya asks, resting her hand on my shoulder and rubbing into it.

  I go lax under her hold, groaning in pleasure. “Probably not a good idea to do that here.”

  She laughs, soft and light. “Maybe after our dinner.”

  If she hasn’t done a runner after I deliver my news. On that note, I pull back. I need to go before Raya has a chance to ask why I have two ice creams in my hand.

  “Why two ice creams?”

  Fuck. “Hungry.” I shrug, edging toward the door.

  She frowns, eyeing my twitchy form. “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah.” I quickly move forward and land a kiss on her cheek, another attempt to appear normal. I’m a joke. “Call you later.”

  “Daddy?”

  Oh no. I pull back from Raya’s cheek and watch in horror as her gaze falls to my side, where Georgia is looking up at her with way too much interest on her cute little face.

  “I’m Georgia,” she declares, loud and proud. “What’s your name?”

  I close my eyes and breathe deeply, wishing the numbing effects the ice cream is having on my fingers would spread to everywhere else. I chance a peek at Raya, catching her eyes slowly turning from my girl to me. Her head cocks. “Georgia?” It’s a question, one she already knows the answer to, yet she wants me to confirm it. “Just a friend.” Raya does a terrible job of impersonating me.

  My lips press together, feeling so small. I shrug. I have nothing else, not even the will to be offended when Raya scowls at me as she hunkers down to my daughter’s level. “Hey, Georgia!” She sounds so chirpy, and
I can’t work out if it’s faked to mask her shock, or if she’s truly pleased to meet her. “I’m Raya.”

  Georgia’s little face is like a kick in the teeth. She looks so pleased. “Do you know my dad?”

  “Not really,” Raya says, flicking accusing eyes up at me. She’s having a dig, saying without actually saying that she thought she knew me.

  “Dad’s favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast. I’m Belle,” Georgia announces proudly. “And Dad is my beast.”

  “A beast, eh?” Raya smiles. I think it’s a fond smile. “He is a bit of a beast, isn’t he?”

  Another dig. If the ground was to open and swallow me up, then that would be fine by me. Fucking hell, I need to pull this back quickly. “Georgia, why don’t you go wait for me on the bench.” I hand her one of the ice creams and toss mine in the bin, all hunger gone. I could do with a drink.

  “We’re going to eat ice cream.” Georgia points to the bench where I wish she’d stayed put. “Want to come?”

  My eyes go all round. “I’m sure Raya has a busy day.”

  “Yes, I do.” Her stare lands on me with a bang, and I flinch. Good Lord, the resolve on her face is enough to push me back into the wall behind me. “I’m going to the airport tomorrow.”

  “Cool!” Georgia sings, while my eyes bug. Tomorrow? “Where are you going?”

  “Far, far away.” Raya gives my daughter her attention again and crouches to get her at eye level. “It was lovely to meet you, Georgia.”

  “You too!” Georgia runs off to the bench, and Raya immediately turns, jogging away from me without another word.

  I stand like an idiot in the doorway, at a loss for what to do. What the hell? She’s just going to run off?

  “Raya!” I shout, going after her. I’ve come too far now to let her walk away. “Raya, wait!” I skid to a stop when she abruptly swings around, her face stony. I gulp, wary, backing up a little.

  “You bastard,” she seethes, her rage potent. “I spilled my fucking life to you. I was even considering not leaving at all, and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me you have a daughter?”

  “I was going to tell you,” I blurt, my panic clear.

  “When? After I’d decided to throw away my traveling dreams?”

  “I didn’t know where to start,” I admit, hopelessness consuming me. “I’ve always kept Georgia away from the women I’ve…”

  “Fucked?” She finishes for me. A huge flinch, and not just from me, but from Raya, too. And then there’s fierceness in her eyes. So much fierceness it actually scares me. “Of course, my mistake.” She backs down, though her eyes still harbor a frightening amount of ferocity. “And I asked for it.”

  “Raya, don’t.” I can see her backing away, and I won’t be able to go after her. I quickly look over my shoulder to check on Georgia, finding her happily passing the time away stuffing her ice cream. “It’s a big deal for us. It’s only ever been me and her.” I return forward, not liking the further distance she’s put between us. “I didn’t want to tell her until I knew what was going on myself.”

  Hurt. This expression on Raya is the one I hate the most, and I despise myself for causing it. “It’s not about telling her, Drew. It’s about telling me.” Her eyes flick to Georgia as she continues to put more distance between us. “You were willing to let me make a life-changing decision without being honest with me.” Raya looks back to me. “Trust you, that’s what you told me. Thanks for bringing me back down to Earth.” She pivots and jogs off, and all I can do is stand and watch her run out of my life.

  Chapter 11

  It’s after ten o’clock by the time I’ve got Georgia off to sleep, and never has a glass of red tasted so good. In my boxers, I slump on the couch and flick through the sports channels, restlessly searching for something to watch. Something to help me wind down. There’s no peace to be found, not when my head is hurting so much. What’s bothering me most, though, is whether Raya walking away was a result of my dishonesty, or whether she’s put off by the fact that I have Georgia. Both are as equally hard to stomach. I sigh, so fucking mad with myself.

  Giving up on the TV, I finish my wine and head for bed. Sleep might help wash my mind clean.

  Peeking in on Georgia, I tiptoe to her bed and listen for the sounds of her shallow breathing, tuck her sprawled leg under the duvet, and kiss her forehead. “Love you, pidge.” She mumbles sleepily, flipping over and nuzzling down.

  I nearly make it to my own bed when a loud crash deafens me. “What the hell?” I shoot back to Georgia’s room, finding she’s still sound asleep. More crashes. I follow the echo to the front door and pull it open, alert and ready for what lies beyond.

  “Coral?” I release the door just in time to catch her when she stumbles forward.

  “Drew!” she slurs, grappling at my arms to cling onto me. “My baby daddy!”

  “You’re smashed,” I mutter, hauling her up but not daring to release her, for she would surely land on her face. Part of me wants to let her. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m here to take you back.”

  I roll my eyes, dipping to toss her over my shoulder. “We were never together in the first place, Coral.” I stride through to the lounge and drop her on the couch, not as roughly as I should. She writhes and squirms to sit up. “Look at the state of you. How did you get here?”

  “A taxi.” She reaches for my T-shirt and hauls me forward. “Take me to bed and wrap me up in those chains you love so much.”

  “Coral, keep it down. Georgia’s asleep.” I brush her off and storm off to the kitchen to get her some water, fighting the urge to throw her out. I might hate the woman for what she did to me, but, like it or not—and I don’t like it—she’s the mother of my girl. Georgia would be heartbroken if anything happened to her. I have an obligation to make sure the drunken bitch is kept out of harm’s way while she personally can’t see to it herself. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and traipse back to the lounge, finding Coral slumped back.

  “Here.” I unscrew the top and hold it out to her. One eye closed, she reaches for the bottle, missing by a mile. “For God’s sake, Coral.” I sit beside her and feed her water.

  “See. You can be nice to me.”

  “I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for my daughter.”

  “She’s my daughter, too, you know.” It’s all a slur.

  “Unfortunately, yes, I do know. But I wouldn’t have, had Sam not caught you sneaking out of my apartment the night you took advantage of me.” This is weird. Not once have we ever talked about it. Not once in eight years. I could barely bring myself to look at the woman for the whole of her pregnancy.

  When Georgia was born, my attention was firmly on my baby, whereas Coral’s attention was on me. It was one of those beautiful moments in time, a new life born, a time when hatred and grievances should be forgotten. I could tell by Coral’s hopeful face that she thought we could move forward from there. I could move forward, sure. Just not with her.

  “Why does no one want me?” she whines, crashing into my side.

  “Because you’re a scheming, manipulative bitch,” I quip, half in gest, but mostly serious.

  She smacks my bare thigh. “You’re single, too. No one wants you either. Or your chains.” Dragging her heavy head up, she pouts at me. “I’d let you wrap me up in your chains.”

  “Coral, if I wrapped you up in my chains, I would never let you free, and not because I was turned on.”

  “You’re mean to me.”

  “I’m letting your drunken arse sleep in my apartment.” I get up, and with my lack of support she crumples to the couch with no hope of getting up again. “Should I lock my bedroom door so you can’t rape me again?”

  She snorts, and it’s with amusement. “You wouldn’t be without Georgia now and you know it.”

  I can’t argue with that. “I’ll get a blanket.”

  By the time I’ve found a fleece throw and made it back to the sofa, she’s
snoring. “What a state,” I say to myself, covering her up, tucking her in more carefully than she deserves.

  I sigh, shaking my head. Then I go and fall into my long-awaited bed.

  Chapter 12

  I feel weird this morning. As I lay in my sleepy darkness, I try to wrap my sleepy mind around my sleepy memories. I roll onto my side and collide with something, and I smile. Raya.

  Then everything comes back to me—her words, her running away from me. So who’s…? My eyes spring open.

  “Morning.” Coral is sprawled out beside me. And she’s naked. Fucking naked. Except for a smug smile.

  “What the fuck, Coral!” I jump up, too panicked to pay any attention to the pain that just bolted through my shoulder. “What the hell are you doing in my bed?”

  She slides out and pulls on one of my T-shirts as she struts out of my bedroom as if she could live here. “Coffee?” she calls.

  I look down my body, cringing when I see I’m naked, too. “What the hell are you playing at?” I shout, stamping after her as I fight my way into some boxers.

  I find her helping herself to the kitchen, not at all affected by my fury. “You need to leave.” I march over and pull an empty mug from her hand, slamming it down on the side.

  She smiles, all satisfied. It’s as much as I can do not to slap it off her face. “What are you so scared of, Drew?”

  My jaw immediately aches with the force of my bite. “I’m not scared, Coral. I’m livid. Get out.”

  She huffs, refusing to allow my rage to penetrate her as she passes me. My head drops back, searching the heavens for some restraint.

  The doorbell is the only thing that saves Coral from being strangled. There can be no witnesses.

  “I’ll get it!” she calls, dancing her way to the front door while I snarl at her back. She swings the door open.

  And I die.

  “No…” I breathe.

  Raya hasn’t seen me just yet, her eyes set on Coral, who’s draped seductively in the door frame wearing next to nothing. “Can I help you?”