The Implant

  I love fast cars; the faster the better. It’s probably a minor obsession with me and I consider myself a little bit of a petrol head. I can name cars by sight, reel off engine specifications, details of breaking power, thrust to weight ratios and a zillion bits of automotive trivia. One of my all time favourite things in the world is to watch the Formula One racing on television. Seeing the drivers propel their F-1’s around the course at insane speeds is an incredible sight. Ironically for someone that loves cars I’ve never actually learned to drive so I took the opportunity that presented itself to make up for that failing.

  My second Implant could have enabled me to drive F-1 cars in all their high speed glory but instead I opted for something a little more practical. The rally driver Implant would allow me to drive a regular car with all the skill of the greatest rally experts. Maybe one day I could even put it to use and drive in a real rally; who knows? The surgery went without a hitch and the clinician was the same one who I had seen on my previous visit. He was mildly surprised to see me again so soon, but he chatted away about golf as he performed the procedure. I’ve got no interest in hitting a little white ball over the fairway but I smiled a lot and made appropriate murmurs when I thought they were needed.

  Afterwards I dressed and wandered back out into the street clutching a fresh batch of paperwork and feeling like a new man all over again. I made plans to go car hunting the next day and that was where my problems started. Although I had an Implant full of knowledge on how to drive I didn’t actually possess a driving licence so that put a slight crimp in my plans. I filled out the appropriate paperwork for my provisional licence and sent it off. I would have to wait for the provisional to arrive, take driving lessons, pass my driving test; it was a pain having to wait. I was itching to drive right away and my impatience would not be denied.

  Although I couldn’t drive on the roads it was perfectly legal for me to drive a car on private property. All I needed to do was find somewhere that would allow me to do that and someone that would let me drive their car. That was where Lance’s Off-road Heaven came into the picture. Private land, four wheel drive vehicles and all perfectly legal for me to test out my new knowledge while I waited for the bureaucratic wheels to turn on my licence application.

  The Off-road Heaven was located in a dozen acres of trees, hills, muddy roads and ditches on a country park estate. I booked my place with a quick phone call and two days later a taxi dropped me at the gates of an old English stately home. I was early for my two hour session and I killed time by examining the awesome array of powerful four wheel drive cars on offer. I knew every statistic of the off road beast that I would be driving and thanks to my Implant I knew every little nuance of how it would behave on the terrain ahead of me.

  I signed some disclaimers, listened to a safety video, drank a cup of rancid coffee, donned a white crash helmet and when my turn came I climbed into my car. I adjusted the specially contoured seat, clipped myself into the harness and then let out a deep breath. I caressed the steering wheel and let my eyes roam over the dashboard noting each dial and indicator with my Implant imbued familiarity. I pushed down on the clutch, dropped the gear stick into neutral and turned the ignition key. The big four litre engine roared in a satisfying manner and I felt the heavy vibrations running through my body. Everything felt so right, so perfect, and I closed me eyes for a moment and savoured the feeling.

  I pushed the clutch down, slipped the SUV into first gear, and allowed my right foot to caress the accelerator searching for the bite point. The engine tone changed and I could feel the car just begging to be let off the leash so I took off the handbrake; and that was where the problems started. Thanks to my new Implant I knew everything there was to know about driving cars and thanks to my first Implant I knew all the correct Japanese words for everything. Knowing how to do something is a million miles away from actually being able to do it for real.

  Have you ever heard of muscle memory? Basically when you keep repeating a movement over time you think less and less about doing it until it becomes second nature. Driving a car relies a lot on muscle memory and I found that out to my cost rather rapidly over the next half an hour. I stalled the car; I re-started it and stalled it again. Once I got it right I began to move forwards in a series of lurching jumps as I braced myself to try second gear. I found second and after a bit of crunching and metallic grinding I managed to get the SUV into third.

  The car was moving along at a fairly rapid clip now and I was exhilarated by the sensation. The helmet was a bit claustrophobic but I didn’t mind and I followed the main road leading into the heavy woodland that made up the Off-road Heaven. The gravel road became dirt and plunged down a slope under the heavy canopy of the trees. As soon as the SUV hit the dirt it began to slide and I knew I had problems. I tried to counter the slide using my Implanted knowledge; but knowing how to recover control of the car was a far cry from actually achieving it. It was a good job I was wearing the helmet; it saved me from serious head injury when I wrapped the car around a tree that refused to get out of my way.

  I’m too polite to repeat the things that Lance called me and I was rather grateful that I’d chosen to pay extra for insurance for the session. Having to pay for the mangled SUV out of my own pocket would have hurt a lot. I vowed to be patient and wait for my licence to arrive and then take some lessons so I could match my knowledge to actual practice. The whole incident left me feeling disappointed with myself and I had an overwhelming need to do something, anything positive with my Implants. Three days of serious thinking left me back at square one with no real idea of what I could do with my new knowledge.

  Unfortunately that was when I had my next great idea; if I couldn’t do anything with the Implants I had, then why not get another one? I figured that if I was going to go through the procedure again then the third time would be the charm. I even knew what I was going for because I’d seen it advertised in the clinic’s brochure; the martial arts Implant. Four distinct but complimentary fighting forms and techniques and Tai Chi Ch’uan made this Implant look very appealing. I liked the idea of being the next Bruce Lee or Jet Li and there was the very real possibility that I could make some money from the new skills too.

  It almost went without saying that I didn’t want to return to the same clinic as before so after making all the arrangements I hopped a train and travelled a few hundred miles north. The clinic could almost have been the mirror image of the previous one I had visited from the front door to the reception décor. Even the receptionist bore a passing resemblance to her counterpart and I found myself idly wondering if Delphi-Pharma were cloning their staff. I filled in my paperwork, and because I’d already received a medical recently I was cleared and scheduled for that afternoon.

  The procedure was the same as before and went without a hitch; although there was a moment where I thought things had gone wrong. The clinician hesitated after using the wand to activate my new Implant. He looked puzzled for a second, recalibrated the intricate mechanism and used it again. I could see that there was something on his mind but in the end he shrugged, smiled and wished me a good day. I almost bounced out of the clinic half an hour later with a spring in my step. There literally was something on my mind and I was that happy and amazed by it that I just had to say it aloud.

  “I know kung-fu.”