The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom

  He tiptoed down the corridor, turned the corner, and was shocked to find himself face-to-face with a brown-haired girl in interesting pants. Ella was equally surprised. Each jumped away from the other and took a defensive stance—Ella in a martial arts crouch, Duncan standing on one leg with his hands in front of his face.

  “Who are you?” both asked in unison.

  “Oops, sorry. You first.” Duncan was unfailingly polite, even when suspicious.

  “Are you one of her guards?” Ella asked. Her jaw was clenched tight. She looked ready for a fight.

  “Whose guards?”

  “The witch’s.”

  “No. Are you?”

  “Of course not. If I was one of her guards, why would I ask you if you were one of her guards?”

  “To trick me, I guess.”

  “Well, I’m not.”

  “And neither am I.”

  “Are you a bandit, then? You’re dressed like one.”

  “Oh, I borrowed these clothes from the Stumpy Boarhound.”

  “Who’s the stumpy boarhound?”

  “The Stumpy Boarhound is not a who; it’s a what.”

  “Well, what is it then?”

  “A place with terrible lemonade.”

  “You’re trying to confuse me.”

  “No, I’m not. I like your pants.”

  “Stop distracting me. Tell me who you are.”

  “Duncan. Pleased to meet you.”

  “Likewise. Why are you here?”

  “To get a map.”

  Ella gasped. “I need that map!”

  “You can’t have it!” Duncan said defensively.

  With both hands, Ella grabbed Duncan by his collar. “Give me the map!”

  “I don’t have the map!” Duncan squeaked. “It’s still missing.”

  Ella loosened her grip on his shirt. “I really need to get that map. I risked my life to come back here for it.”

  “So did we.”

  “You did? Wait. Who’s ‘we’?”

  “Me and Liam and Gustav and Frederic.”

  “Frederic?” Ella let go and stepped back, shocked to hear the name. She’d begun to wonder if that incident with Frederic back at Rapunzel’s tower had been some sort of witch-induced hallucination. “Frederic from Harmonia? He’s here?”

  “You know Frederic?”

  “We were supposed to get married.”

  “You’re Ella?” Duncan shouted with excitement. “I thought you were a piece of wood!”

  “Huh?”

  “Oh, this is fantastic,” Duncan said. “Come with me!” He grabbed Ella’s hand and pulled her along with him as he ran back to the main chamber.

  “Duncan! Thank goodness,” Liam said as he saw his friend emerge from behind the door.

  “Look who I found,” Duncan cried. “It’s Ella!”

  “Ella? What? She’s here?”

  Ella popped out of the corridor behind Duncan, and Liam was instantly enchanted. Ella’s hair was a tousled mess and her dress was torn and muddied, but to Liam, she looked radiant. More than anything else, he was struck by her eyes. Ella had that same devil-may-care look that Liam had seen in only one other place: a mirror. “Wow,” he breathed.

  “Wow?” Ella echoed, a bit confused.

  “He means, ‘Wow, we can’t believe we found you,’” Duncan interjected.

  “Of course,” Liam said, playing innocent, although he was still gazing moony-eyed at Ella. “We thought you escaped days ago.”

  “You were right. But I came back for the map,” Ella said. “Please tell me you found it.”

  “I did.” Liam showed them the rolled-up parchment.

  “Do you know what’s on that map?” Ella asked. “The witch has prisoners in those towers.”

  “Aha! Just as I suspected!” Liam said.

  “Well, it didn’t take much guesswork,” Duncan said. “She’d written ‘prisoner’—”

  “Just as I suspected,” Liam repeated, cutting him off. “So with you free, we have five more people to rescue.”

  “Four,” Ella said. “I already rescued one.”

  “You did?” Liam leaned his elbow on a nearby sarcophagus and brushed his fingers through his hair, trying to look casually dashing. “You’re a very impressive woman.”

  “Thanks. But, anyway, her prisoners are all bards,” Ella said. “The witch is striking at the very heart of our world’s entertainment industry. She’s planning to kill the bards as part of some huge demented spectacle.”

  “I know. She’s going to do it today,” Liam said. “That’s why I insisted we come back here to get the map. The others were ready to call it quits, but I said—”

  “The others—oh, my goodness,” Ella said breathlessly. “Is Frederic really with you?”

  “Yes, Frederic, that’s right,” Liam said. He lowered his voice, feeling somewhat ashamed for flirting with his friend’s fiancée. But at the same time he thought, how could he help himself? Ella was just, like, you know, wow.

  “Yes,” Duncan butted in. He didn’t like what he was seeing. Liam seemed to be smitten with Ella. “Frederic is actually the reason we’re all here. He found us all and got us together to come after you in the first place. It was his idea.” He shot a disapproving look at Liam, who gave a sheepish shrug in return.

  “So who are you people?” Ella asked.

  “We are the League of Princes Charming,” Duncan offered eagerly.

  “No, League of Princes,” Liam cut in. “Just League of Princes.”

  “Fine,” Duncan conceded. “But we are all Princes Charming.”

  “Is that how Frederic got hooked up with you? Because of him being called Prince Charming in that song about me?” Ella asked.

  “Exactly!” Duncan beamed. “And I’m from the Snow White song.”

  Ella turned to Liam, who was looking a bit red-faced. “And what about you? Whose Prince Charming are you?” She nudged Liam playfully with her elbow.

  “Sleeping Beauty’s,” Liam reluctantly admitted. “But don’t believe everything you’ve heard about me.”

  “I haven’t heard much of anything about anybody lately,” Ella said. “I’ve been a bit preoccupied.”

  “Really?” Liam asked. “So there’s nothing you think you know about me? Prince Liam from Erinthia? You haven’t heard any rumors?”

  “Nope,” Ella said.

  “So as far as you’re concerned, I’m just a guy bravely risking his own life in order to save the lives of others.”

  “Oh, wait—Erinthia! Yes!”

  “I knew it,” he muttered glumly.

  “Your sister is looking for you,” Ella said.

  “Lila?”

  “Yeah, she’s a great kid.”

  “How do you know—”

  Duncan stomped his foot and said, “We should really go outside now and make sure FREDERIC is okay.”

  “You’re right; let’s go,” Ella said. She found it touching that Frederic had gone through the trouble of getting these other princes to search for her, and she didn’t want to see him get into any kind of real trouble on her behalf. “Where is Frederic, anyway? Keeping lookout in the trees or something?”

  “No, he’s out there distracting the giant,” Duncan said.

  “The giant?” Ella gasped, and gave Liam a shove. “You left Frederic with a giant? Are you trying to kill him?”

  “He can handle it,” Liam protested. “Trust me, he’s changed.”

  “You’re a lunatic,” Ella cried. “Frederic’s afraid of dust bunnies! We have to go help him, right now!” She shoved Liam aside and ran toward the exit. But just as she reached the doors, she heard a sizzling sound and a cry of pain from behind her. She turned to see Liam on the ground, clutching his chest. Zaubera stood in an open doorway, smiling wickedly. She raised her hand and zapped Liam again with a crackling streak of blue energy.

  “So nice that you came back to pay old Zaubera another visit,” the witch said. Her red and black rags fluttered as a
n unnatural wind stirred up around her.

  Ella shivered with the terrifying realization that the witch was even more powerful than she’d previously thought. She also realized that the witch was apparently not named Wendy. But that was less terrifying.

  “Leave him alone!” Ella cried, running back to Liam’s side. “Take me. I’m the one you want!”

  “Oh, don’t worry—you’re not going anywhere either, my little starlet,” Zaubera sneered. She nailed Ella with a blast of sorcerous lightning, sending her to the floor next to Liam.

  “You despicable fiend,” Liam hissed from his place on the ground.

  “You didn’t think I was going to let Prince Charming run in here and steal away my Cinderella, did you?” Zaubera said.

  “How does she know who you are?” Duncan asked, flabbergasted.

  Zaubera looked at Liam. “Aha,” she said with a green-toothed smile. “You’re the one. Frankly, I assumed it would be you. The other three are kind of … you know.”

  Liam reached up and thrust the map into Duncan’s hands. “Remember the plan, Duncan,” he sputtered. “Take it. Go!”

  Without a word, Duncan sped off with the map. He ran, not toward the exit, but straight into a nearby wall. He bounced backward a few steps, spun around, and ran behind a large rack of magic wands, where he spilled over a table full of jarred frogs with a crash and a clatter.

  “There’s no way out over there,” the witch called out helpfully.

  A second later, Duncan burst back into view and dashed out through the main doors.

  Zaubera rubbed her hands together and grinned devilishly. “I have Cinderella and Prince Charming!”

  “Ha!” Liam shouted. He and Ella were both still on the floor, too sore and winded to attempt a getaway. “My friend just escaped with your map, witch. Your evil plot is foiled.”

  “Oh, really?” Zaubera said, sounding rather amused. “Did you notice I made no attempt to stop him?”

  “Face it, witch: You’ve lost,” Liam said. “With that map, my friends will free the bards in no time.”

  “You mean these bards?” Zaubera asked. She snapped her bony fingers, and four dark-purple vines descended from the ceiling. At the end of each, wrapped up in coils of slithering ivy, was a kidnapped bard. Lyrical Leif, Tyrese the Tuneful, Wallace Fitzwallace, and Reynaldo, Duke of Rhyme, all gagged by curling ivy, stared plaintively at Liam and Ella.

  “Crud,” Liam muttered.

  “Yes, crud indeed,” Zaubera grinned. “I’ve had it up to here with the libelous, inaccurate story-songs of these mewling melody-makers. They ruined my reputation, and I’m finally going to get my payback.”

  “You’re insane, witch,” Ella said. “You’re going to slaughter these men just because they told the world how Rapunzel escaped from you?”

  “Rapunzel never escaped from me!” Zaubera shrieked. “I let that little hooligan go! No one escapes Zaubera!”

  “Um,” Liam interrupted. “Actually, we all have at least once.”

  “NO ONE ESCAPES ZAUBERA!” the witch yelled even louder. “And anyway, I’m not going to kill the bards. I need them to witness my massacre and sing to the world about it. No, the bards are my publicity team. I’m going to kill everybody else. With the help of you two, of course.” The moving vines whisked the bards out of sight.

  “We’ll never help you, witch!” Ella spat.

  “You all say ‘witch’ like it’s an insult,” Zaubera said. “I am a witch. And anyway, yours is not exactly a voluntary position.”

  Zaubera snapped her fingers again. Purple vines snaked swiftly along the floor and wrapped themselves around Liam and Ella.

  “Come,” Zaubera said. “I’m taking you and your boyfriend upstairs now.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend,” Ella said.

  “Yeah, I’m not her, uh, what you said…,” Liam mumbled.

  “Boyfriend, fiancée … whatever,” Zaubera sniffed. “You’re Cinderella and Prince Charming—that’s all the heroes are going to care about.”

  Liam and Ella cast each other confused glances, neither understanding what the witch meant. Zaubera started up the spiral staircase to her tower observatory. The wriggling vines followed, dragging her prisoners with them. “You should feel privileged, really,” the witch said. “This is going to be the biggest massacre in recorded history, and you two get to be the headlining victims.”

  “You’re forgetting one thing, witch,” Liam said. “My friends.”

  Zaubera chuckled. “If the rest of your pals are anything like that little fellow who couldn’t find the exit, I’m not too concerned.”

  27

  PRINCE CHARMING GETS GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

  Duncan burst out into the fading sunlight and zipped straight around to the back of the fortress to find Gustav. He kept his eyes closed, hoping that would prevent the giant from seeing him as he dashed by.

  “Finally!” Gustav said, standing up and sheathing his sword. “Do you know how bored I’ve been?”

  “The witch got Liam and Ella!” Duncan cried.

  “Criminy Pete!” Gustav cursed. “Can’t that goody-goody do anything right? Wait, did you say Ella?”

  “But look, I got the map!” Duncan added.

  “Well, that’s dandy,” Gustav said. “But how do we beat the giant when the dragon is still asleep?”

  Duncan looked over Gustav’s shoulder. “Um,” he said. “The dragon’s not asleep.”

  The freshly awakened dragon roared and whipped its tail into Gustav from behind. Gustav slammed into Duncan, and both men tumbled to the ground. The creature reared over them, about to let loose with a powerful gust of flame. If I die like this, Gustav thought, I’ll never live it down.

  But before the men could be flash-fried, they heard a gruff voice yell something in a language they didn’t understand. The dragon backed away from them.

  “Banchuk!”

  “Grut!”

  “Tchaka!” More strange commands rang out, each in a different grumbly voice. The dragon got down on all fours and swerved around. Gustav and Duncan scrambled to their feet.

  Leaning against the tower wall, catching their breath, they were awestruck by what they saw. The dwarfs, Flik, Frak, and Frank, surrounded the dragon, barking bizarre foreign words and making mysterious hand gestures.

  The dragon began to calm down.

  “Frank?” Duncan called out.

  Frank held a finger up to shush him, never taking his eyes off the dragon.

  “Banchuk! Grut!” The dragon lowered its head. Flik walked right up and pet its nose. The beast closed its reptilian eyes, and though Gustav wasn’t quite sure, he thought he heard it purr.

  Frank sauntered over to the princes.

  “What are you two staring at?” he asked. “Dwarves are expert dragon tamers.”

  “Of course they are,” Gustav said. He untied the drippy sack that hung from his belt and threw it to the ground. “And I carried around this stinking muskrat meat for nothing.”

  “Show me how! Show me how!” Duncan said, bouncing.

  “No,” Frank said.

  “Come on, tell me some of those words,” Duncan begged. “Just one or two. What was it: chup-chup?” The dragon thwacked its tail into the dirt.

  “No,” Frank repeated. “And stop trying to say dragon commands before you accidentally make it eat one of us.”

  Duncan grumbled. “Why are you here, anyway? I told you three to go to Snow.”

  “They did.” Snow White climbed out of her wagon and ran to Duncan.

  “Snow!” Duncan exclaimed. The two embraced.

  “Yeah, that’s right, don’t trust the dwarves,” Frank said bitterly. “We’re good for nothing.”

  “What are you doing here?” Duncan asked as Snow spun him around to do a 360-degree injury check.

  “Frank and the dwarfs did just what you asked of them,” she explained. “And when I heard about this crazy mission you were supposedly on, I demanded they take me right back
to you. If even half of what they told me is true, you’ve gone completely insane. Why are you dressed like a ninja?”

  “I assume you didn’t get the note from the bird, then?” Duncan asked.

  “Are you talking about Monday Bird? Because that little slacker never showed up last week,” Snow said.

  “That’s so unlike her!” Duncan remarked. “But anyway, no, I was talking about the robin I sent.”

  “No, no robin,” Snow said. “Duncan, we’re getting off topic. Thank goodness the dwarfs and I showed up when we did. A few seconds later and … oh, I don’t want to think about it.”

  “We could’ve handled it,” Gustav interjected. Snow looked at him.

  “Are you one of the, uh, other princes?” she asked.

  Gustav walked over and shook her hand, chuckling as he did. “I’m Gustav. You’re a very lucky woman.” Snow eyed him with suspicion for a second—there was no way this man could have been a Prince Charming—then turned back to her husband.

  “Anyway, I’m so glad you’re okay,” she said. “What were you thinking, running off like that? To battle witches and giants? You get winded chasing squirrels.”

  “Oh, it’s been fun. But I’m still so surprised that you came after me,” Duncan said, then added sheepishly, “I thought you were tired of me.”

  “Oh, Dunky,” she said, caressing his wavy hair. “You drive me mad sometimes, but I still love you. I said I wanted a break; I didn’t want you to run away.”

  Gustav groaned.

  “Just promise me you’ll never do anything crazy again,” Snow said. “Oh, who am I kidding? Just don’t do anything crazy for the rest of the day. How about that?”

  Duncan was silent.

  “Duncan, I’m taking you home now,” she said.

  “Uh … soon, okay?” he replied, and noticed the disappointment on Snow’s face. “You see, I’ve got these friends—seriously, they’re really my friends—and some of them are in big trouble. Liam’s inside that big scary place, and he’s been captured by a really nasty witch. And Cinderella’s up there, too! You should meet her—she’s very nice. And Frederic got taken off by a giant somewhere. And—”