The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom

  Liam turned to look. His mouth went dry at the sight of the Avondellian flag. “Briar Rose,” he said.

  Inside the gilded carriage, Briar Rose, Lila, and Ruffian the Blue watched the huge tower crumble down into the black stone fortress before them. The three dropped their jaws in unison at the sight of the dragon soaring off into the violet sky.

  “What in the world is going on over there?” Briar finally asked.

  “I hope we’re not too late,” Lila gasped.

  “Shut up,” Briar snapped. “Did my fiancé just get squashed or eaten? Did he? Tell me something, bounty hunter.”

  With a deep sigh, the sullen bounty hunter lifted a spyglass to his right eye and peered ahead. “Hmmm. Hmm. Ehhh…”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” Briar barked. “Tell us something!”

  “Yeah, come on, Ruffian—use your words,” Lila added.

  “It’s too bumpy,” Ruffian whined.

  Briar let out an annoyed grunt, then leaned out the window and shouted to her army’s commander. “Halt! Everybody halt right here!”

  The coach jerked to a stop, and all five hundred cavalry horses stopped with it.

  “We await your order, Your Highness,” the army commander shouted.

  Briar ducked back into the carriage. “Well?”

  “Your prince is still alive,” Ruffian droned. He turned away from the spyglass to cast an annoyed glare at the princesses.

  “Let me see,” Briar said. “Out of the way, girl.” She shoved Lila backward, knocking her off the bench onto the floor of the coach. Briar grabbed the spyglass from the bounty hunter and used it to survey the scene ahead of them.

  Thank you, Lila thought as she lay behind Briar and Ruffian. Finally a chance to get rid of these cuffs. She pulled out the hairpin that Ella had given her. It released her wayward ringlet, but more importantly, it gave her a lock-picking tool. While Briar and Ruffian argued (“Where is he? You said you saw him.” “I did. He had his arm around a girl in strange blue shorts.” “Girl? What girl? Who is she?” “How would I know who she is?”), Lila stuck the pin into the lock on her shackles, twisted it, and popped the cuffs open.

  With Ruffian and Briar still going at it (“If you would just give me my spyglass back, I could take another look.” “You think I can’t use a stupid telescope?”), Lila took big tufts of the Avondellian princess’s curly hair and tied them in knots through one of the handcuffs. As Ruffian reached to grab the spyglass back, Lila stood up and snapped the other cuff over the bounty hunter’s wrist.

  “Heyyyy,” Ruffian said.

  “What the—,” Briar began to shout, but Lila quickly leapt past her captors. Ruffian and Briar both attempted to grab the girl, but thanks to the shackles, the two got tangled into a human knot. As Ruffian tumbled over Briar, he pulled the princess’s ample hair across her face like a mask. As Briar tried to scream, her mouth was stuffed full of her own fluffy auburn curls.

  “Bye, guys!” Lila said as she shimmied through the open window of the carriage and sprinted away.

  Ruffian tried to get up to chase her, but as soon as he moved, he yanked Briar Rose down by the hair. Briar shrieked, then growled.

  “I’m cuffed to your hair,” Ruffian said in disbelief. For the first time in years, Ruffian the Blue’s mouth curved into something resembling a smile.

  He took another step toward the door but stopped when Briar let out another muffled scream. She grabbed him by the hood and pulled him back to her.

  “Zhah hurff!” Briar gurgled through a mouthful of hair. Translation: That hurts!

  Ruffian tried to untie the knotted curls that were looped through the manacle. “It’s too difficult. Your hair is so thick and full-bodied,” he said. He pulled out a knife.

  “Goo. Mah. Cuh. My. Hai-uh.” (Do. Not. Cut. My. Hair.)

  Ruffian tossed his hands up. “What do you want from me?” he moaned. He turned to the window and said in a soft, slow monotone, “Guard. A little assist in here.” It was Ruffian’s way of calling for help.

  “Goo ooh ee-meh mo how ooh yeh-ooh?” (Do you even know how to yell?)

  “Guard,” Ruffian said again, slightly louder, but still in a tone that would be fully acceptable to most librarians.

  Outside the coach, a soldier watched Lila running away. “Commander, should we be stopping her?” he asked.

  “Have you seen the princess when she’s angry?” the commander said. “We’re not doing a thing unless she tells us to.”

  “They’ve stopped,” Ella said, referring to the Avondellian army.

  “I’m not sure what’s going on down there,” Liam said. “But now’s our chance to free the bards.” He bent down and cupped his hands for Ella to step into.

  “Wait, look!” Ella shouted. She and Liam ran to the edge of the wagon top to see the girl who was speeding across the meadow toward them.

  “Lila!” they shouted in unison.

  Lila reached the wagon, scrambled up onto its roof, and threw her arms around Liam.

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” Liam said.

  “Likewise,” Lila said. She broke off the hug and turned to Ella. “And it is so awesome that you made it, too! But, come on. We’ve probably got about three seconds to get out of here.” She grabbed both Liam and Ella by the hand and tried to lead them down off the wagon top.

  “Okay,” Liam said. “We just need to get the bards down first.”

  “Thank you,” Lyrical Leif called down.

  “You don’t understand,” Lila said. “The instant Briar Rose gets free, that entire army is going to come charging after you.”

  “Gets free?” Ella asked. “What did you do to her?”

  “I’ll tell you later. Come on!” Lila hopped down.

  “But the bards!” Liam protested.

  “I’m sure these strapping young men here can handle the bards,” Lila said. She gestured to Gustav’s brothers, who had just marched up to them.

  “The princes of Sturmhagen are here,” Henrik announced. “Somebody point to the people who need saving.”

  Fig. 41 The Princes of STURMHAGEN

  Liam looked to Briar’s gold carriage. It was rocking and bouncing as if a brawl was going on inside it. Some of the surrounding soldiers were approaching the coach suspiciously. “Okay, let’s go,” Liam said. “These men will help you out!” he yelled up to the bards as he jumped to the ground. Ella followed.

  “Hello, Princess Snow, sorry for the lack of a formal introduction,” Liam said. “But can you and the dwarfs get us out of here?”

  “Of course,” Snow replied. “Hop in.”

  Frank huffed but drove everybody away speedily nonetheless.

  Henrik looked up. “Ah! Master Leif! Your heroes have arrived.”

  31

  PRINCE CHARMING GETS JUST WHAT HE THINKS HE WANTED

  Duncan, Gustav, and Frederic flew on dragonback to Castle Sturmhagen, where they’d arranged to meet Liam and Ella (Snow and the dwarfs gave Lila a ride back home after the young princess explained that she needed to pretend she’d been in her room this whole time). After a heartfelt reunion (during which Gustav was so overwhelmed by emotion that he actually gave Frederic a pat on the back), the group met with King Olaf and Queen Berthilda of Sturmhagen, who were clad head to toe in thick furs. The princes reported everything to them: the foiling of the Bandit King’s army, the tricking of the giant, the taming of the dragon, the witch’s demise. The generally hard-to-impress royal couple listened intently and began to regard their youngest son with something approaching admiration. (They seemed perturbed only once, when Frederic said to them, “Oh, by the way, you’re going to have to turn over some of your land to the trolls.”)

  Pennyfeather the Mellifluous was on hand to hear the princes’ tale. He tipped his floppy hat to Ella when he saw her and excitedly jotted down the details for what he was sure would become his greatest and most popular story-song yet.

  “And now, Father, we’re heading back out there to ma
ke sure those bards get home safely,” Gustav said when they were done.

  “You’ll do no such thing,” King Olaf decreed. “You people are a mess. Gustav, your scalp has been seared and you’re favoring your left leg. Prince Liam is limping as well. The young woman looks like she’s been run through a wheat thresher. And there’s obviously something wrong with that small fellow.” He pointed at Duncan.

  “You men—and you as well, miss”—Queen Berthilda gestured to Ella—“need to relax and recuperate. You’ve done Sturmhagen and the world a great favor; let us take care of you in return.”

  “But the bards—,” Gustav started.

  “Your brothers, I’m sure, are taking care of them,” Olaf insisted.

  “But we’ve done everything so far,” Gustav said. “Us. We should be the ones to—”

  King Olaf raised his hand to hush his youngest son. “Gustav,” he said, “I’m proud of you. You can relax now.”

  For the first time in his life, Gustav blushed.

  After that, the red carpet (well, really it was a fur carpet—everything was made of fur in Sturmhagen) was rolled out for the former Princes Charming and their companions. Their injuries were tended to, their thirst and hunger sated, their unkemptness re-kempted. Everyone was supplied with a much-appreciated change of clothing. Frederic even refrained from complaining about the tacky badger-pelt trim on the jacket they gave him.

  It took little more than a week for Pennyfeather’s new song, “Cinderella and the League of Princes,” to become a global sensation. People went gaga over the story of four princes who were recruited by their leader, Cinderella, to save the world from an all-powerful witch. Pennyfeather was a typical bard; he was bound to get some stuff wrong. But hey, he got all four of the princes’ names right. He also failed to even mention Zaubera’s name, ensuring once and for all that the witch would never achieve the fame she’d so desperately sought.

  Soon afterward, a grand parade was held outside Castle Sturmhagen. Tremendous flower arrangements adorned every corner along the parade route, and a marching band raised their horns in a musical victory salute. Nearly the entire population of Sturmhagen—as well as hundreds of cheering admirers from neighboring kingdoms—turned out for the celebration. They all saw the banners that read HOORAY FOR CINDERELLA AND HER LEAGUE OF PRINCES!

  “It figures. We’re still second fiddle to the girl,” Gustav said. “No offense.”

  “None taken,” said Ella. “Sorry about this, guys. I had no idea. I don’t even want to be famous.”

  “It’s fine,” Liam said. “These people are here today to celebrate all of us.”

  “And they finally know our names,” Frederic said. “Gustav, I do believe you’re now officially the biggest hero in your family.”

  That got a smile out of the big man.

  The guests of honor rode in the back of an ornate, open-top coach pulled by a team of headdress-wearing show horses. Ella and the princes waved to their adoring public as they rolled by. Frederic was pleasantly surprised to see Reginald at the front of the crowd.

  “Reginald, I’m so touched you came,” Frederic called to him. The valet left the crowd and jogged up to the side of the coach.

  “Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Reginald replied, beaming proudly.

  “I don’t suppose Father is here, too,” Frederic asked, with a tinge of hopefulness.

  “No,” Reginald said, bobbing along next to the moving coach. “He wanted me to tell you he forgives you and can’t wait to see you home again. But don’t trust him completely. He also asked me to deliver this note to the Flimsham brothers; he wants to borrow their tiger again.”

  “Thanks for the heads-up,” Frederic said, as the parade moved on and Reginald dropped back into the crowd.

  They rounded a busy corner to see even more fawning fans and giddy celebrants. Huge tapestries bearing the likeness of the princes were rolled down from the upper windows of the castle as they passed.

  “Well, going home after this may not be as much fun as I’d hoped,” Frederic said.

  “At least you have a home to go to,” Liam said. “Based on what Lila said, my people are going to force me to marry Briar Rose if I set foot anywhere near Erinthia.” He sighed. “What am I going to do?”

  “Why don’t you come home and stay with me in Harmonia until things calm down in your kingdom?” Frederic said. “I can always use an ally against my father, anyway.”

  “Thank you, Frederic,” Liam replied gratefully. “I think I will.”

  Ella leaned forward. “You know, Frederic,” she said. “Maybe I was hasty in leaving. I think I’ll return to the palace with you, too. If you’ll have me back.”

  Considering all they’d been through, he wondered if maybe there was a chance for him and Ella to end up together after all. He would have to work extra hard to stand out next to Liam, he knew, but for the first time in his life, he felt up to the challenge.

  “Two of my best friends living with me? I can’t think of anything I’d like more,” Frederic said. “Oh, but I should tell you both: If a sprite ever comes to the door, don’t send her away. She’ll be delivering a message for me.”

  “Hey! Someone in the crowd is carrying a ‘Duncan the Daring’ sign!” Duncan shouted. “Oh, it’s Frank,” he added, less enthusiastically. “Do you think he means it in the good way?”

  “Hard to say with those guys,” Liam said. “But we all believe it, right?”

  Gustav rolled his eyes.

  The parade ended at a large stone platform, on top of which stood a life-size statue of Cinderella and the four princes standing in heroic poses. The sculpture had been somewhat hastily constructed the previous day. The coach came to a stop, and the heroes disembarked. They climbed the steps of the platform to get a closer look at the artwork.

  “Hey, Statue Me is taller than Me Me,” Duncan said. “I like that.”

  Fig. 42 Honor STATUE

  “Criminy Pete!” Gustav cursed. “They couldn’t have made me with hair? It’s starting to grow back, you know.” “what in the world is this statue made of?” Liam asked as he poked at his alter ego and heard a hollow thunking sound.

  “I believe that would be papier-mâché,” Frederic said. “Considering how little time they had to prepare, I suppose this was the best we could get.”

  “Let’s hope it doesn’t rain,” Liam said.

  Ella quietly stepped down from the platform to give the guys their moment in the spotlight. The princes faced the enormous crowd. People were waving, cheering, and calling their names—their real names. Not one “Prince Charming” was heard.

  At one point or another, each of the four princes had dreamed of a moment like this. But it was more than just the hordes of fans that made the moment so wonderful. Duncan expressed the sentiment perfectly:

  “I’m with these guys!” he shouted, his arms raised high in the air.

  Some people in the audience started chuckling. The princes assumed they were mocking Duncan.

  “Yeah, the Flighty Flutist over here is a friend of mine,” Gustav sniffed defensively. “So what?”

  More crowd members began to laugh, and several started pointing.

  Liam and Frederic looked at each other, confused.

  The princes turned around in time to see two black-clad thieves pick up the lightweight statue and heave it into a wagon that was parked right behind the platform—a wagon that was already filled to the brim with oversize flower arrangements, “League of Princes” banners, dozens of trumpets, and four enormous personalized tapestries with the princes’ faces on them. At the driver’s seat of that wagon was Deeb Rauber.

  “That’s right, princes,” the smirking boy yelled. “I just stole you! In fact, I stole your whole parade. While you losers were celebrating, I was riding behind you, snatching everything!” He guffawed and wiggled his backside at them, as his henchmen jumped onto waiting horses. Then Rauber and his bandits tore off with the goods.

  “I knew you shoul
d have let me crush him,” Gustav grumbled.

  Ella dashed back onto the platform to join the men. “What the heck is my cousin doing here?”

  “Your what?” Frederic gasped.

  “I’m telling your mom, Deeb!” she called out, as Rauber’s wagon disappeared down the road.

  “What are we standing here for?” Liam shouted. “We can’t let Rauber get away.” He was about to run after the thieves when he heard jeers from the crowd.

  “Ha-ha! A little kid just swiped their statue!”

  “I thought they stopped the Bandit King!”

  “These are supposed to be our heroes? What a joke!”

  Before long, the entire crowd seemed to be laughing at them. Worst of all, Pennyfeather the Mellifluous was there, and he started feverishly scribbling down ideas for a new song.

  “Oh, no,” Liam groused when he saw Pennyfeather. “Not this! You’re not going to write a song about this now, are you?”

  “Here we go again,” Gustav muttered.

  “It wasn’t a very good statue anyway,” Frederic said.

  “We should get that giant to make a new one,” Duncan suggested, but the others could barely hear him over the roars of laughter.

  Just then all sixteen of Gustav’s brothers marched up onto the platform. For a brief, reality-twisting moment, Gustav thought they might actually be there to defend him. He was wrong, of course.

  “Everybody, quiet,” Henrik shouted. “We have something very special for you all.”

  Lyrical Leif, Tyrese the Tuneful, Wallace Fitzwallace, and Reynaldo, Duke of Rhyme all sashayed onto the now very crowded platform. Leif came to the forefront and addressed the crowd.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” the bard said. “A little over a week ago, my fellow songsmiths and I suffered through an incredibly harrowing experience as we were all kidnapped by a devious witch. But our lives were saved, thanks to a group of brave and stalwart heroes. And to show our gratitude, my fellow bards and I teamed up to write the ultimate story-song. We present it to you now. Ladies and gentlemen: ‘The Sixteen Hero Princes of Sturmhagen’!”