Change of Heart

  The dad wrapped his arm around the mom’s shoulders as she sniffled.

  “I understand,” Ani said quietly.

  My mom passed me and went to Ani’s side. “Hi, I’m Liz, Ani’s mom.”

  “Hello,” Sue said. “But I thought—” Her eyes went to Ani.

  “My foster mom,” Ani clarified.

  “Oh,” Sue breathed.

  “We’re big believers in adoption,” my mom said, her implication clear. “It’s really nice to meet you, Sue.”

  Sue watched my mom for a long moment, then looked around the room, her eyes stopping on me and then Trevor. When her eyes went back to my mom and Ani, she gave them a tentative smile. That’s when Richard’s shoulders dropped a fraction, and he reached out his hand. “Nice to meet you, Liz and Anita. I’m Richard.”

  A few minutes later, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called my brother as I watched Ani and my mom get to know the baby’s grandparents.

  “Hello?” Alex answered gruffly.

  “Hey, Ani wanted me to call you—”

  “Baby?”

  “A girl. Healthy and beautiful,” I answered distractedly as Sue gave Ani a hug.

  I pulled the phone away as Alex whooped in my ear.

  “Congratulations,” he said happily.

  “I’ll tell Ani.”

  “Nah, man. That was for you.”

  “What?” I asked, irritated that I was talking to him when it looked like Ani was going to head back into her sister’s room.

  “I’m telling you congratulations.”

  “Shut the fuck up.”

  “Nah, man. A little boy? You might have been able to hold out. But a little girl? You’re toast.”

  * * *

  “Do you think we’ll get to see the baby soon?” Trevor asked over an hour later as he dropped into the seat next to me.

  “Don’t know,” I answered, messing with a loose thread on the inseam of my jeans.

  “I need to head out soon.”

  I nodded. I wasn’t really up for conversation.

  Ani seemed happy. She’d been flitting in and out of her sister’s hospital room, coming out to talk to my mom and Aunt Ellie before skipping back in to be with her sister and the baby. I wasn’t sure what was taking so long, why we hadn’t been able to see the baby yet, and the longer it went the more nervous I became.

  Trevor elbowed me hard in the side, and my head snapped up to see him nodding toward a woman who was walking down the hallway toward us.

  “Holy shit,” I muttered as she came closer. Her hair was long and curled, and she had on a pair of the tightest jeans I’d ever seen, but that wasn’t what made my stomach clench.

  She looked just like Ani.

  She was doing something on her phone, but when she made it to the waiting room, her head came up, and she glanced around. Her face screwed up like she’d smelled something foul, then moved toward where my mom was still sitting with Sue and Richard.

  “I’ll knock the bitch out,” Trev said under his breath, scooting forward in his seat.

  My stomach rolled as I realized that she wasn’t just getting to the hospital. She had come from Bethy’s room, which meant Ani had been locked away with the woman for hours.

  “Hi, I’m Anita and Bethy’s mom, Carol,” Ani’s mom said cheerfully as she got to Sue. “You must be Marcus’s parents.”

  “Hello,” Sue said flatly.

  “So I think Marcus wants to stay with Bethy, but you guys can head on home if you want,” Carol said, oblivious to Sue’s pinched mouth. “It’s not like he can get her into any more trouble!” Carol laughed, and I saw my mom put a warning hand on Sue’s forearm.

  “I think we’ll stay,” Sue said, making Richard nod. He didn’t say a word, but his nostrils were flared as he looked down his nose at Carol.

  “Okay, well, I’m going to head home!” She completely ignored my mom as she spun on her heel.

  “Cunt,” I murmured as she walked out the door.

  “No way is she that oblivious,” Trevor scoffed.

  “She knew exactly who we were.”

  “Can you believe how much she looked like Ani? Her dad must have had some weak genes.”

  “No shit.” I leaned back in my seat and gave my mom a small smile as she met my eyes across the room.

  “Well, at least you know what Ani will look like in twenty years. Not bad.”

  “Shut the fuck up.” I closed my eyes and rested my head against the wall.

  Fifteen minutes later, I was on my feet, my palms once again sweaty as Ani came walking carefully down the corridor, a little wrapped bundle in her arms. If I hadn’t already known that she was a girl, the baby’s gender would have been a complete mystery in the unisex blanket and hat she was wrapped in.

  She needed something pink. Pronto.

  “This is Arielle Elizabeth Martin,” Ani announced as she reached us.

  “Oh,” my mom breathed, “look at her.”

  “Seven pounds even and twenty-and-a-half inches long,” Ani said, meeting Sue’s eyes. “Do you want to hold her?”

  “Can I?” Sue asked nervously.

  Ani nodded, then kissed the top of little Arielle’s head before handing her to her grandmother.

  Everyone was staring at the baby as Sue held her, but I watched Ani. Her hands were loose down at her sides, but her fingers fidgeted against her thighs. I moved in beside her and laid my hand gently at the base of her spine, trying to calm her down.

  She’d just handed her daughter to a person who could take Arielle away forever, and I knew she must be so scared.

  “Arielle?” Sue asked.

  “Yeah.” Ani nodded.

  “I like it.” Sue leaned down and kissed Arielle’s head, pressing her nose softly against the baby’s skin for a long moment as she sniffled. She looked up at her husband in question, and he shook his head just a little.

  I didn’t blame him. The idea of holding the sweet little girl and then giving her away made me nauseous.

  “Thank you,” Sue said to Ani, handing Arielle back to her. “Thank you for everything.” Her breath hitched. “We’re going to head home, let your family celebrate.”

  Ani started to protest but Sue shook her head. “Could you let Marcus know that we left and tell him to call us in a couple hours? I know—” She swallowed hard. “He’s going to need us, but I think he wants to be with Bethy right now.”

  “Of course we will,” my mom said, pulling Sue into a hug.

  They said good-bye to the rest of us, and then Richard ushered a crying Sue out of the room.

  Ani’s distraught gaze met mine.

  “Hard decision to make,” I told her quietly.

  “Do you think they’ll—”

  “No,” I told her resolutely, knowing what she was going to ask. “They won’t change their minds.”

  Ani smiled tremulously, then looked around at the group. “Who wants to hold her?”

  “Bram first,” Trevor said, his mouth tipping up. Asshole.

  “Yeah?” Ani asked, turning to me.

  “Uh.” I glanced at my mom, my eyes widening.

  I’d held a lot of babies. I’d carried around Shane and Kate’s kids from the time they were just hours old. It wasn’t hard—hell, as long as you kept a good grip and made sure their head wasn’t wobbling around, you were golden. But I knew, I fucking knew, that the moment I held Arielle, everything would change.

  “Sure,” I finally choked out. “Let me sit down.”

  My dad snickered, but I ignored it as I took a couple steps backward and landed in a hard chair.

  “Here you go,” Ani said quietly as the rest of our family moved to the far side of the room.

  She laid the baby in my hands.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  This was insane.

  I’d held babies before.

  Why was I—

  Arielle shifted in her blankets, and I inhaled sharply, watching her tiny face.

  She was go
rgeous. Like no baby I’d ever seen before. Her skin was darker than mine, but not as red as my niece Iris’s had been. And her eyes were almond shaped, which made sense because Sue was obviously of Asian descent. Her lips were puckered, but had a definite Cupid’s bow shape.

  I pulled off her hat and smiled a little at the full head of short, black hair.

  “Bethy’s half African American,” Ani said, crouching down in front of me to run a fingertip over Arielle’s head.

  “She needs some pink,” I blurted out softly, glaring at the ugly hospital blanket Arielle was wrapped in.

  “Yeah. Maybe Liz can get her some stuff. Bethy’s in with the social worker right now, and I don’t really want to leave the hospital.”

  I nodded. I wanted to meet her eyes, tell her congratulations and all that bullshit, but I couldn’t look away from Arielle’s face.

  I pressed my knees together, making Ani scoot back a little, and laid the baby down on my legs so I could unwrap her.

  “It’s cold in here, Bram,” Ani murmured as I unwrapped Arielle.

  “I’ll hurry,” I breathed.

  She wasn’t wearing anything but a diaper, and her little umbilical cord stump was still gnarly looking, but that wasn’t what I was interested in anyway.

  I lifted one foot and then the other, startling Arielle as I ran one finger over the soles and then counted the toes. Then I counted her fingers, letting the long digits wrap around my index finger.

  “She’s got long fingers,” I said in awe.

  “Yeah,” Ani said, resting her hand on my knee. “She’s got a birthmark too; did you see it?”

  I looked Arielle over and finally noticed where her skin was slightly darker from just above her belly button to right below her sternum.

  “It looks like Florida,” I said stupidly.

  “Yeah, kind of,” Ani said with a chuckle.

  My mom started walking toward us then, and all of a sudden, I felt extremely self-conscious. I wrapped Arielle tightly back up with trembling hands and lifted her to my chest.

  “Can I have a turn?” Mom asked teasingly.

  I wanted to tell her no.

  “Sure,” I said, taking one more close look at the baby. Her eyes were blinking open and closed, and my heart thudded hard in my chest. “Here you go.”

  Mom took Arielle and started cooing as I grabbed Ani by the back of the neck without a word and kissed her forehead. Then I walked away.

  “Keys?” I asked my dad, barely able to get the word out. He nodded and tossed me his truck keys, and I got the fuck out of there.

  Chapter 12

  Anita

  The papers were signed and notarized.

  I was a mom.

  I tried not to act giddy as I sat across from Bethy in her hospital room while she waited for our mom to pick her up. Arielle was sleeping in a bright pink car seat that Liz had brought me that morning, ready to go, but I couldn’t bear to leave Bethy all alone on a floor filled with crying babies.

  “Do you think you could send me updates?” Bethy asked, watching Arielle sleep. “Not, like, all the time or anything, but once in a while?”

  I chewed the inside of my cheek.

  Our mother should be there. She should be comforting my little sister in a way that I couldn’t. I didn’t know her well enough to play the big sister card. Anything that came out of my mouth would sound false.

  “Sure,” I replied, nodding my head.

  “I won’t bug you or anything.”

  “It’s fine, Beth,” I said gently.

  “Okay,” she breathed, nodding her head. “Okay.”

  The door to her room opened, and I glanced up to find Marcus and Richard walking into the room.

  “Hey,” Marcus said quietly, going straight to Bethy. “I called your mom and told her we were picking you up.”

  “You can stay with us for a few days, if you want,” Richard said in his rumbly voice, “let Sue spoil you a bit.”

  Bethy’s eyes filled with tears as Marcus’s arm wrapped around her shoulders. “Thanks,” she whispered.

  Her eyes came to me, and I couldn’t stop myself from climbing to my feet and crossing the room, wrapping my arms gently around her waist. “Take care of yourself, little sister,” I said into her ear, smoothing my hand down her corkscrew curls. “You’re going to do big things, Bethy. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you’re going to be an incredible woman.”

  She sobbed once and dropped her head to my shoulder.

  “Let me know how you’re doing and kiss the boys for me?”

  “Sure.”

  She pulled away and let Marcus lead her out of the room.

  “Thanks for taking care of her,” I said to Richard as the door swung closed behind them.

  “We’ve been taking care of Bethy for years,” he said darkly. “And we’ll keep doing it until she doesn’t need us anymore.”

  My throat tightened as I nodded. I’d had no idea that Marcus and Bethy had been friends for so long, but I was glad for it. They weren’t just a couple of kids that screwed up. They loved each other. Maybe it wasn’t adult love—there was no way they were mature enough for that yet—but their friendship obviously ran deep.

  God, my mother was a piece of fucking work. The entire time Bethy had been in labor she’d played on her phone and napped. Fucking napped, like her fifteen-year-old-daughter wasn’t writhing on the bed and bawling her eyes out. She was such a piece of shit.

  I shook my head and picked up the bag I’d packed for Arielle.

  “Just you and me, princess,” I said quietly, lifting up the car seat.

  As I left the room, I caught sight of Marcus and Richard leading the way out the front doors, a nurse pushing Bethy in a wheelchair behind them. I stopped in the door and waited for them to leave before I walked into the corridor.

  “Ready?” Aunt Ellie called, waving her hands excitedly.

  “All set,” I answered with a smile as Liz took Arielle’s bag from me.

  All the guys had left the night before, but I didn’t blame them. Someone had to keep the company running while I was out on maternity leave, and they’d already stayed all night waiting for Arielle to be born. Ellie and Liz refused to go though—they wanted to ride home with me and Arielle.

  As I climbed in the back of my Toyota, clicking Arielle’s car seat into the base that someone had already tightened into the middle seat, I couldn’t stop the giddy laugh that left me, startling the baby before she drifted back off to sleep.

  I was a mom. I had a daughter.

  Those might have been the most beautiful words in the English language.

  * * *

  “This is where we live,” I cooed, pulling Arielle out of her car seat. “It’s not much, but by the time you’re old enough to notice, it’ll be much nicer.”

  Liz came in behind me, laughing at my speech.

  “Well, it’s true,” I said ruefully, walking farther into the house.

  “Your house is fine,” Liz assured me. “When we had Katie, we were living in a crappy old single-wide trailer while we waited for the house to be built. Babies don’t care where you live as long as they’re warm and clean and fed.”

  “You care, don’t you?” I asked Arielle as she slept through our conversation. “Let’s go see your room.”

  I walked down the hall while Liz and Ellie groaned about sore muscles from sitting in the car for so long. What should have been a four-hour trip turned into close to six hours thanks to traffic and my little princess. I wouldn’t be driving back to Seattle anytime in the near future. I didn’t know how Kate and Shane had driven all the way to San Diego when Iris was a newborn.

  “This is your—Mom!” I yelled, my eyes almost popping out of my head. “Come here!”

  “What’s up?” she asked, running down the hallway. When she got a good look at the room, she gasped.

  The walls were still light green and the wood floors were still gleaming in the sun coming through the window, but the ro
om looked nothing like I’d left it.

  Underneath the crib was a large pink and purple woven rug. The white sheet that I’d left on the mattress was gone, replaced by a pink one with little hearts all over it. There was a large pink wooden A hanging on one wall and a princess crown on another. In the corner, a short curtain rod had been hung about waist high, and hanging from it were a bunch of pink and purple and yellow frilly dresses that I couldn’t imagine Arielle ever wearing comfortably.

  The entire room clashed horribly.

  I loved it.

  “What in the world?” Ellie asked, pushing past Liz and me so she could walk into the room.

  “Little girls should have girl rooms,” Liz read, picking up a note on the top of Arielle’s dresser—the dresser that now had pink crystal knobs on it instead of the white ones it had come with. “Welcome, Arielle. Love Papa, Uncle Mike, Uncle Trevor, and Uncle Bram.”

  I smiled as my eyes filled with tears.

  “Well, calling him Uncle Bram probably isn’t the best idea,” Ellie said, snickering. “That’ll make things awkward when she gets to grade school.”

  Liz laughed, and just like that, my tears dried up.

  “You do realize, this is why we kept it a secret?” I bitched, walking toward the changing table and laying Arielle on the top. “We knew you’d never let it go.”

  “What’s there to let go?” Liz asked, reaching down to pick up a package of diapers and tearing it open.

  “We’re not together.”

  “For now,” Ellie said, flitting around the bedroom.

  “Forever,” I argued, unbuttoning Arielle’s little pajamas.

  “He won’t be able to hold out that long,” Liz murmured, handing me a diaper.

  “Well who says I want him back?” I asked stubbornly, changing Arielle. “He made his choice.”

  “Bullshit,” Ellie mumbled.

  “Language,” Liz scolded her sister.

  “Arielle doesn’t mind, do you, sweet girl?” Ellie cooed, making me laugh as Arielle made a weird grunting noise.

  “I can’t believe she’s really here,” I murmured as I picked her up, cuddling her against my chest.

  * * *

  “You’ve gotta sleep at some point,” I told Arielle a week later, walking around my living room for the forty-fifth time that morning. “I mean, people can’t live without sleep. At some point you won’t be able to fight it any longer.”