Change of Heart

  I silently slid my boots off and lay down on the bed, messing with the pillow underneath my head until I could see her. I ignored the way my eyes watered as I got comfortable and my body relaxed into the bed. I’d stay with her for a while.

  “Uncle Bram,” a little voice whispered sometime later. “Uncle Bram, wake up.”

  I opened my gritty eyes to find my nephew Keller’s face just inches from mine.

  “Hey, when did you guys get here?” I asked groggily, glancing at Arielle’s crib to find her gone.

  “Just now,” he said solemnly. “Uncle Hen died.”

  “I know, bud,” I said, reaching out to run my hand over his head.

  He sniffled a bit and raised his chin.

  Ah, hell.

  I reached out with one arm and pulled him onto the bed with me, and it was a testament to how shitty he was feeling that he didn’t try to wrestle with me. Keller was a scrapper. He liked to wrestle and fight and be physical in any way he could, but right then, he lay down quietly beside me. We stared at the ceiling side by side.

  “Mom keeps crying,” he said into the quiet of the room.

  “Yeah, my mom does too.”

  “But I don’t cry,” he said stubbornly.

  “I do,” I grumbled. “Sometimes.”

  “Really?” he asked in surprise, still staring at the ceiling.

  “Yep.”

  Keller went silent, and a few minutes later, Kate came quietly into the room, crawling into bed with us on the other side of me.

  “Hey, sis,” I said, kissing her hair as she laid her head on my shoulder.

  “Hey,” she replied, sighing.

  We didn’t need to say anything else. The reason for her visit was obvious, and I knew exactly how she was feeling. So instead, we just lay there quietly, lost in our own thoughts.

  * * *

  The rest of the day went by slowly. The women cooked. The men didn’t do much of anything. The Marine chaplain came out to my parents’ house to talk to us about how and when they’d send Henry home and explained that some Marines would be around to help us with anything we needed.

  We had dinner, but by unspoken agreement, none of us sat at the dining room table. A family dinner would only highlight the fact that Henry was gone.

  Katie put her kids to bed for the night.

  I held Arielle against my chest, leaning back in my dad’s recliner. There wasn’t anything for me to do. All of it seemed to be a hurry-up-and-wait game. We waited to hear when they were going to fly Hen’s body home. Waited to know when the funeral would be. Waited for my aunt to lose her shit as she grew more and more agitated as the day went on.

  * * *

  Two days later, I was playing Lincoln Logs with Gavin when I saw Kate go running past us. I grabbed Gavin and hopped to my feet, carrying him outside just in time to see Kate jump off the porch and into Shane’s arms.

  “Shane,” she murmured as she wrapped her arms around his head, burying her face in his neck.

  “Daddy?” Gavin asked in confusion, looking at me and then back at the scene playing out in front of us. “Daddy!”

  He scrambled to get out of my arms, and as soon as I set him on his feet, he was running barefoot through the muddy driveway.

  “Hey, little man,” Shane said, letting go of Kate just enough to lift Gavin into his arms.

  Someone must have heard Gavin yelling because soon all of the kids were running outside, yelling for Shane.

  My throat grew tight as Sage flew out the front door, coming to a complete stop at the top step of the porch and bursting into tears.

  “Aw, baby girl,” Shane said, kissing the top of Keller’s head before striding to his oldest daughter.

  Sage was getting too old to carry around, but it didn’t seem to matter then because Shane picked her right up. She wound her arms and legs around him as he climbed the porch steps, giving me a small nod as he brought her into the house.

  I wondered if I’d still be carrying Arielle around when she was that big. Then I wanted to slam my head against the door frame.

  “Okay,” Kate called, wiping at her face. “It’s cold out here. Everyone inside!”

  The kids went running back in, chattering happily as Katie gave me a small smile.

  “I’m so glad they got him home,” she said as I wrapped my arm around her shoulders.

  “I bet,” I murmured, kissing the side of her head. “How long does he have?”

  “Not that long.” She gave a humorless laugh. “It’s going to be ten times harder when he leaves again.”

  “Don’t think about it yet,” I said, squeezing her shoulder. “Just deal with today.”

  “Yeah.”

  I walked her into the living room where the kids were going nuts over Shane, telling him about the shit they’d been doing since he’d left. Even Iris, who wasn’t saying very many words yet, seemed to be babbling on and on, competing with her siblings for Shane’s attention. They were so fucking excited that their little cheeks were pink with it.

  I looked over and met Ani’s eyes as she came out of the kitchen, holding Arielle against her chest as the word daddy was shouted over and over again. What was she thinking? Her lips were pulled up in a tired smile, but she seemed frozen to the floorboards as I took a step toward her.

  God, even exhausted, she was still gorgeous.

  My eyes dropped to Arielle, who was lifting her wobbly head off Ani’s shoulder, and my heart thumped hard in my chest.

  Then Ani suddenly spun around and left the room, leaving me staring at the empty doorway.

  * * *

  “Hey, man,” Shane said a couple hours later, patting my shoulder as he came into the living room. “She’s cute.”

  “Thanks,” I replied quietly, rubbing up and down Arielle’s little back. I’d heard her squawking in the playpen after her nap a few minutes before and had raced to go get her before anyone else could. It seemed like I never got to hold her now that the house was full of people.

  “You and Ani together now, or—”

  “No,” I said shortly. I didn’t want to think about the shit with Ani. I couldn’t. There was too much happening. I had too many thoughts running through my head at every moment to focus on just one.

  “Oh.” Shane sat down on the couch, leaning back against the cushions. “Why?”

  “You seriously asking about my relationship with Ani?” I asked incredulously.

  A year before, I could have happily killed Shane when he was being a complete ass to my sister. She’d been pregnant with Iris, and Shane had treated her like garbage. Just the thought of all the shit that had gone down between them made my teeth grind. After a while, I’d learned to get along with Shane again, but I wasn’t quite as forgiving as my little sister.

  “I figured it out,” Shane pointed out.

  “If you hadn’t, you’d be a dead man,” I retorted, my teeth snapping shut as soon as I’d said it.

  The guy’s foster brother had just died. My cousin, who I’d known since he was four years old, had just died. I closed my eyes and dropped my head to the back of the recliner. Shit.

  “Don’t sweat it,” Shane said quietly. “It wasn’t the first time you threatened to kill me, and I’m sure it’s not the last.”

  “Bad timing,” I ground out, making Shane bark out a laugh.

  “Ah, Hen wouldn’t give a shit,” Shane said, smiling. “He’d be watching us with his head turning back and forth between us like we were in the middle of a fucking tennis match.”

  “True,” I choked out. “And he’d be asking how exactly I planned on killing you. His favorite was the wood chipper, even though he knew we didn’t have one.”

  “Wood chipper. That’s a good one,” Shane said tiredly, closing his eyes.

  “How does this shit happen?” I asked seriously, sitting up in the recliner as I held Arielle tightly against me. “He died during training?”

  “I’ve seen guys do some pretty stupid shit when we were training,
” Shane said, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Maybe Hen was doing everything the way he was supposed to—who knows. They try to plan for every contingency, but fuck, sometimes shit just goes sideways, and there’s nothing they can do.”

  “So fucked up,” I said, shaking my head.

  “I can tell you this much,” Shane said, meeting my eyes. “They did whatever they could to save him. They wouldn’t have just let it happen. The men he was with, they would have been working like hell to help him.”

  “Okay.” I swallowed hard.

  “And he wasn’t alone.”

  “Okay.” I dropped my head down beside Arielle’s and closed my eyes as my nose began to sting, remembering Henry as a six-year-old with missing bottom front teeth, yelling at us to not leave him behind as we ran to pick blackberries. Henry as an eleven-year-old, trying to hide in the bed of my truck when Alex and I were going out with a couple of girls from school. Henry sleeping on Katie’s floor when we’d lost power for an entire week one winter. Henry asking Ani out over and over again, his fourteen-year-old chest puffed out as he tried to make himself seem bigger. Henry jumping on Trev’s back and yelling at the top of his lungs as he tried to take him down, but failing because Trev was built like a shark and Henry was a minnow.

  “You all right?” my mom asked, pulling me out of my memories as she set a gentle hand on the top of my head.

  “Yeah,” I rasped, nodding.

  “Love you, Abraham,” she said, leaning down to kiss my forehead. “Wish I could take this all away from you kids.”

  “I’m a grown-up,” I argued halfheartedly.

  “You’re still my son,” she said, reaching out to take Arielle from my arms. “Now it’s my turn to hold the princess. You’ve been hogging her.”

  Chapter 14

  Anita

  Shit, Trev could carry the fucking thing by himself,” I growled in frustration, making everyone grow silent around me. My tone was scathing. I couldn’t stop it. “Bram, Alex, Shane, and Trev can carry him; all this bullshit about pallbearers is stupid. You’ve got four. If you don’t want the honor guard to do it, tell them no. The end.”

  My hands shook as I set them in my lap, the silence growing heavier and heavier as I looked at the floor I was sitting on.

  My nerves were fried.

  It had been four days since we’d found out Henry was dead, and they were finally sending him home to be buried. We were supposed to go meet the airplane he was on—in the fucking cargo hold, no less—in just two hours, and I was about to lose my shit. I couldn’t deal.

  Arielle was doing fine. She didn’t seem to notice or care about the extra attention she was getting from our family and was still sweet as sugar when it was time for her to sleep. No fussing or anything. Like she knew that I couldn’t take it.

  But Bram was in my bed each night. I’d let him in that first night because I didn’t want to be alone, and I couldn’t stand the thought of Bram being alone, either. Now that Alex was in town, I’d assumed that I’d be able to distance myself a bit.

  I’d assumed wrong.

  Bram was up in my space even more. He kept coming to my house, and I kept letting him in—because how could I not? I loved the jackass, and I knew he was hurting. I couldn’t turn him away.

  However, each time he rolled into me and wrapped an arm around my waist, I felt even more desperate for some space. I was holding on by a thread, barely making it through the hours I was awake without completely breaking down and sobbing my eyes out. There was shit to do, things to plan, people to see. The first week after a person dies is full of company and appointments and never having a moment to yourself.

  I knew that.

  When I went home at night though, I should have been able to shut all of that shit away and grieve. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do it with Bram’s wary eyes meeting mine as I opened my front door to him over and over again. I couldn’t do it when he shuddered against my back, practically trembling until he fell asleep every night. I couldn’t do it when I woke up in the morning and he was in Arielle’s room, changing her diaper and speaking softly to her about everything and nothing.

  There was no time for me. And so, as I sat there on the floor, words had slipped past my lips without thought, and now I felt even worse.

  “Jesus Christ, Ani,” Shane murmured tiredly.

  I swallowed hard.

  “That sounds fine to me,” Ellie said, her voice trembling. “You boys carried him around on your back for years, most of the time because he’d jumped up there trying to bug you. Makes sense you’d carry him now.”

  My breath hitched.

  “Anita,” Liz said, making my entire body tense, “kitchen.”

  She climbed up from the couch and walked away as I pressed my hands against the floor, pushing myself up to follow her. I’d fucked up. When Ellie had gone on and on about not knowing who should fill the last two pallbearers’ spots, I’d completely lost patience, and that was really shitty of me. I deserved anything Liz had to dish out and more.

  “What’s going on?” Liz asked sharply as I hit the kitchen.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I didn’t ask if you were sorry, and I wasn’t looking for a damn apology. Now tell me what the hell is going on with you.”

  “Nothing,” I sighed, running my fingers over my hair. “My nerves are just fried.”

  “All of our nerves are fried.”

  “I know—it’s no excuse.”

  “Go home, Ani.”

  My eyes shot to hers, and I almost stumbled back from her words. She was kicking me out? My throat got so tight it felt like I couldn’t breathe as my eyes began to fill with tears.

  “You need sleep, baby,” she said gently as I stared at her in horror. Then she lifted a hand and ran it through my hair. “You need some time out of this house.”

  “I’m fine.” I shook my head.

  “No, you’re not. Go home for a few hours. I’ll keep Arielle here with the kids.”

  “We have to go get Hen,” I argued stubbornly, chewing the inside of my cheek.

  “Henry won’t care if you’re at the airport,” she said quietly. “But I care that you look like you haven’t slept in a week.”

  “But—”

  “Anita Bonita,” she murmured, shutting me up. Only Henry used that nickname. Oh, God. My stomach turned. “Go home and get some rest. I’ll have Danny drive you.”

  I nodded as I braced myself on the table. Less than a minute later, Liz was walking Dan back into the room, his worried eyes on me.

  “Come on, kiddo,” he said gruffly, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

  I walked back to the bedroom Arie was sleeping in and gave her a soft kiss on her forehead before grabbing my purse. She’d be fine there while I got my shit together. All the adults were going to get Hen that night, but a really nice lady named Heather that Ellie and Liz knew from some club was going to watch the kids at the house.

  I walked out the door with Dan on my heels and dragged my weary body into his truck.

  “Only two hours, okay?” I rasped as we reached my driveway. “Come get me on your way to pick up Hen.”

  Dan looked like he was going to argue for a long moment, then finally gave me a small nod.

  I nodded back, then climbed out of the truck as he rolled to a stop.

  I didn’t bother undressing, just took off my shoes and crawled between the sheets of my bed.

  Then I finally let it all out. It started out as sniffles, a catch of breath, a hiccup, but soon I was sobbing so hard that my entire body jerked with each cry. I cried freely. Hard and loud. Then I fell into an exhausted sleep.

  * * *

  I woke with a start, looking around my bedroom blearily and wondering what had startled me awake. When I glanced at the clock, I cursed and scrambled out of my bed. When my feet hit the floor, I stumbled to the side, slamming my hip into my nightstand, knocking the lamp there onto the floor with a crash.

  It
was an hour past when we were supposed to leave to pick up Henry’s body.

  No one had come to get me.

  My heart raced in panic as I ran to my dresser, pulling out the bottom drawer too far, making it fall to the floor. I ignored the mess and grabbed a pair of dark jeans, throwing them on the bed before I grabbed one of Henry’s old boot camp shirts out of my pajama drawer. It was navy-blue mesh, with a little emblem in the chest, silky and shiny, and one of my favorites even though it was way too big for me.

  Running into the bathroom, I screamed a little as I caught sight of my face and hair. I frantically wet my hair down and grabbed a beanie off the floor to cover it up, then swiped at my face to wipe off the tears pouring out of my eyes.

  “Shit,” I sobbed, my beanie falling back to the floor as I stripped out of my clothes quickly. My hands were shaking as I panicked.

  I was going to miss it. I wasn’t going to be there. Oh, God.

  I was down to my bra and underwear, scrambling to pull on my jeans, when my name was called from the front door.

  “Ani?” Bram asked in confusion, walking into the room as I lost my shit. I was sobbing by then and tripping as I tried to pull the jeans up my legs.

  “Why didn’t anyone wake me up?” I yelled shrilly. “I said to wake me up!”

  My words were garbled with sobs.

  “Baby, stop,” Bram ordered, hurrying toward me. “Stop!”

  His arms wrapped around me tightly as I shook.

  “You guys were supposed to come get me!” I screamed, slapping at his chest.

  “I’m here,” he said, trying to soothe me. “I’m right here.”

  “You were supposed to pick me up,” I sobbed, my entire body going limp. “Dan said—”

  “The flight was delayed,” Bram said quietly, leaning his face down to mine. “We’re leaving as soon as you’re ready.”

  My chest heaved as his words penetrated. I wasn’t too late.

  I cried in relief then. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t even try. I was so far gone that I could feel my eyes growing tight as they swelled with the force of my tears.