The Mirror of Kong Ho

  LETTER IV

  Concerning a desire to expatiate upon subjects of philosophical importance and its no accomplishment. Three examples of the mental concavity sunk into by these barbarians. An involved episode which had the outward appearance of being otherwise than what it was.

  VENERATED SIRE (whose genial liberality on all necessary occasionsis well remembered by this person in his sacrifices, with the titles"Benevolent" and "Open-sleeved"),--

  I had it in my head at one time to tell you somewhat of the Classicsmost reverenced in this country, of the philosophical opinions whichprevail, and to enlighten you generally upon certain other subjects ofdistinguished eminence. As the deities arranged, however, it chancedthat upon my way to a reputable quarter of the city where the actualityof these matters can be learnt with the least evasion, my footsteps weredrawn aside by an incident which now permeates my truth-laden brush tothe exclusion of all else.

  But in the first place, if it be permitted for a thoroughlyuntrustworthy son to take so presumptuous a liberty with an unvaryinglysagacious father, let this one entreat you to regard everything hewrites in a very wide-headed spirit of looking at the matter from allround. My former letters will have readily convinced you that much thattakes place here, even among those who can afford long finger-nails,would not be tolerated in Yuen-ping, and in order to avoid the suspicionthat I am suffering from a serious injury to the head, or have becomea prey to a conflicting demon, it will be necessary to continue aneven more highly-sustained tolerant alertness. This person himself hasfrequently suffered the ill effects of rashly assuming that because heis conducting the adventure in a prepossessing spirit his efforts willbe honourably received, as when he courteously inquired the ages of acompany of maidens into whose presence he was led, and complimented theone whom he was desirous of especially gratifying by assuring her thatshe had every appearance of being at least twice the nine-and-twentyyears to which she modestly laid claim.

  Upon another occasion I entered a barber's stall, and finding itoppressively hot within, I commanded the attendant to carry a recliningstool into the street and there shave my lower limbs and anoint my head.As he hesitated to obey--doubtless on account of the trivial labourinvolved--I repeated my words in a tone of fuller authority, holding outthe inducement of a just payment when he complied, and assuring him thathe would certainly be dragged before the nearest mandarin and torturedif he held his joints stiffly. At this he evidently understood hisdanger, for obsequiously protesting that he was only a barber of verymean attainments, and that his deformed utensils were quite inadequatefor the case, he very courteously directed me in inquire for a publicchariot bound for a quarter called Colney Hatch (the place of commerce,it is reasonable to infer, of the higher class barbers), and, seatingmyself in it, instruct the attendant to put me down at the large gates,where they possessed every requisite appliance, and also would, ifdesirable, shave my head also. Here the incident assumes a more doubtfulguise, for, notwithstanding the admitted politeness of the one whospoke, each of those to whom I subsequently addressed myself on thesubject, presented to me a face quite devoid of encouragement. Whilenone actually pointed out the vehicle I sought, many passed on in astate of inward contemplation without replying, and some--chiefly theattendants of other chariots of a similar kind--replied in what I deemedto be a spirit of elusive metaphor, as he who asserted that such aconveyance must be sought for at a point known intimately as the AldgatePump, whence it started daily at half-past the thirteenth gong-stroke;and another, who maintained that I had no prospect of reaching thedesired spot until I secured the services of one of a class of femaleattendants who wear flowing blue robes in order to indicate that theyare prepared to encounter and vanquish any emergency in life. To make noelaborate pretence in the matter this person may definitely admit thathe never did reach the place in question, nor--in spite of a diligentsearch in which he has encountered much obloquy--has he yet found anybarber sufficiently well equipped to undertake the detail.

  Even more recently I suffered the unmerited rebuke of the superficialthrough performing an act of deferential politeness. Learning that theenlightened and magnanimous sovereign of this country was setting out ona journey I stationed myself in the forefront of those who stood beforehis palace, intending to watch such parts of the procession as might befitly witnessed by one of my condition. When these had passed, and thechariot of the greatest approached, I respectfully turned my back tothe road with a propitiatory gesture, as of one who did not deem himselfworthy even to look upon a being of such majestic rank and acknowledgedexcellence. This delicate action, by some incredible process of mentalobliquity, was held by those around to be a deliberate insult, if noteven a preconcerted signal, of open treachery, and had not a heaven-sentbreeze at that moment carried the hat of a very dignified bystander intothe upper branches of an opportune tree, and successfully turned asidethe attention of the assembly into a most immoderate exhibition of utterloss of gravity, I should undoubtedly have been publicly tortured, ifnot actually torn to pieces.

  But the incident first alluded to was of an even moreelaborately-contrived density than these, and some of the details arestill unrolled before the keenest edge of this one's inner perception.Nevertheless, all is now set down in unbroken exactness for yourimpartial judgment.

  At the time of this exploit I had only ventured out on a few occasions,and then, save those recorded, to no considerable extent; for it hadalready become obvious that the enterprises in which I persistentlybecame involved never contributed to my material prosperity, and thedisappointment of finding that even when I could remember nine wordsof a sentence in their language none of the barbarians could understandeven so much as a tenth of my own, further cast down my enthusiasm.

  On the day which has been the object of this person's narration fromthe first, he set out to become more fully instructed in the subjectsalready indicated, and proceeding in a direction of which he had noactual knowledge, he soon found himself in a populous and degradedquarter of the city. Presently, to his reasonable astonishment, he sawbefore him at a point where two ill-constructed thoroughfares met, aspacious and important building, many-storied in height, ornamentedwith a profusion of gold and crystal, marble and precious stones,and displaying from a tall pole the three-hued emblem of undeniableauthority. A never-ending stream of people passed in and out by thenumerous doors; the strains of expertly wielded instruments could bedistinctly heard inside, and the warm odour of a most prepossessingspiced incense permeated the surroundings. "Assuredly," thought theperson who is now recording the incident, "this is one of the Templesof barbarian worship"; and to set all further doubt at rest he saw inletters of gilt splendour a variety of praiseworthy and appropriateinscriptions, among which he read and understood, "Excellent," "FineOld," "Well Matured," "Spirits only of the choicest quality within,"together with many other invocations from which he could not wrest thehidden significance, as "Old Vatted," "Barclay's Entire," "An Ordinaryat One," and the like.

  By this time an impressive gathering had drawn around, and from itsmanner of behaving conveyed the suspicion that an entertainment ormanifestation of some kind was confidently awaited. To disperse sooutrageous a misconception this person was on the point of withdrawinghimself when he chanced to see, over the principal door of the Temple,a solid gold figure of colossal magnitude, represented as crowned withleaves and tendrils, and holding in his outstretched hands a gigantic,and doubtless symbolic, bunch of grapes. "This," I said to myself, "isevidently the tutelary deity of the place, so displayed to receive theworship of the passer-by." With the discovery a thought of the mostirreproachable benevolence possessed me. "Why should not this person," Ireflected, "gain the unstinted approbation of those barbarians" (who bythis time completely encircled me in) "by doing obeisance towards theirdeity, and by the same act delicately and inoffensively rebuke them fortheir own too-frequent intolerable attitude towards the susceptibilitiesof others? As an unprejudiced follower, in his own land, of the systemsof Confucius, L
ao-tse, and Buddha, this person already recognises theclaims of seventeen thousand nine hundred and thirty-three deities ofvarious grades, so that the addition of one more to that number can bea heresy of very trivial expiation." Inspired by these honourablesentiments, therefore, I at once prostrated myself on the ground, and,amid a silence of really illimitable expectation, I began to kow-towrepeatedly with ceremonious precision.

  At this display of charitable broadmindedness an approving shout wentup on all sides. Thus encouraged I proceeded to kow-tow with even moreunceasing assiduousness, and presently words of definite encouragementmingled with the shout. "Do not flag in your amiable disinterestedness,Kong Ho," I whispered in my ear, "and out of your well-sustainedendurance may perchance arise a cordial understanding, and ultimatelya remunerative alliance between two distinguished nations." Filled withthis patriotic hope I did not suffer my neck to stiffen, and doubtless Iwould have continued the undertaking as long as the sympathetic personswho hemmed me in signified their refined approval, when suddenly the crywas raised, "Look out, here comes the coppers!"

  This, O my venerable-headed father, I at once guessed to be theannouncement heralding the collecting-bowl which some over-zealousbystander was preparing to pass round on my behalf, doubtless under theimpression--so obtuse in grasping the true relationship of events aremany of the barbarians--that I was a wandering monk, displaying myreverence for the purpose of mendicancy. Not wishing to profit by thisoffensive misapprehension, I was preparing to rise, when a hand wasunceremoniously laid upon my shoulder, and turning round I saw behind meone of the official watch--a class of men so powerful that at a gesturefrom their uplifted hands even the fiercest untamed horse will notinfrequently stand upon its hind legs in mute submission.

  "Early morning salutations," I said pleasantly, though somewhat involvedin speech by my exertion (for these persons are ever to be treatedwith discriminating courtesy). "Prosperity to your house, O energeticstreet-watcher, and a thousand grandsons to worship their illustriousancestor."

  "Thanks," he replied concisely. "I'm a single man. As yet. Now then,will you make a way there? Can you stand?"

  "Stand?" repeated this person, at once recognising one of the importantwords of inner meaning concerning which he had been initiated by theversatile Quang-Tsun. "Certainly this person will not hesitate toestablish his footing if the exaction is thought to be desirable.Let us, therefore, bend our steps in the direction of a tea-house ofunquestionable propriety."

  "You've bent your steps into quite enough tea-houses, as you call them,for one day," replied the official with evasive meaning, at the sametime assisting me to rise (for it need not be denied that the restrainedposition had made me for the moment incapable of a self-sustainingeffort). "Look what you've done."

  At the direction of his glance I cast my eyes along the street, east andwest, and for the first time I became aware that what I had last seen asa reasonable gathering had now taken the proportions of an innumerablemultitude which filled the entire space of the thoroughfare, whileothers covered the roofs above and protruded themselves from everyavailable window. In our own land the interspersal of umbrellas, musicalinstruments, and banners, with an occasional firework, would have givena greater animation to the scene; but with this exception I have nevertaken part in a more impressive and well-extended procession. Evenwhile I looked, the helmets of other official watchers appeared in thedistance, as immature junks upon the storm-tossed Whang-Hai, apparentlystriving fruitlessly to reach us.

  As I was by no means sure what attitude was expected of me, I smiledwith an all-embracing approval, and signified to the one at my side, byway of passing the time pleasurably together, that the likelihood of hisnimble-witted friends reaching us with unruffled garments was remote inthe extreme.

  "Don't you let that worry you, Li Hung Chang," he said, in a tone thathad the appearance of being outside itself around a deeper and morebitter significance; "if we get out again with any garments at all itwon't be your fault. Why, you--well, YOU ought to have been put on theBlack List long ago, by rights."

  This, exalted one, although I have not yet been able to learn the exactdignity of it from any of the books of civil honours, is undoubtedlya mark of signal attainment, conferred upon the few for distinguishingthemselves by some particular capacity; as our Double Dragon, forinstance. Anxious to learn something of the privileges of the rank fromone who evidently was not without influence in the bestowal, and notunwilling to show him that I was by no means of low-caste descent, Isaid to the official, "In his own country one of this person's ancestorswore the Decoration of the Yellow Scabbard, which entitled him to becarried in his chair up to the gate of the Forbidden Palace beforedescending to touch the ground. Is this Order of the Black List of alike purport?"

  "You're right," he said, "it is. In this country it entitles you to becarried right inside the door at Bow Street without ever touching theground. Look out! Now we shall not--"

  At that moment what this person at first assumed to be a floral tribute,until he saw that not only the entire plant, but the earthenware jaralso were attached, struck the official upon the helmet, whereupon,drawing a concealed club, he ceased speaking.

  How the entertainment was conducted to such a development this person istotally inadequate to express; but in an incredibly short space of timethe scene became one of most entrancing variety. From every visiblepoint around the air became filled with commodities which--thoughdoubtless without set intention--fittingly represented the arts,manufactures, and natural history of this resourceful country, all castin prolific abundance at the feet of the official and myself, althoughthe greater part inevitably struck our heads and bodies before reachingthem. Beyond our immediate circle, as it may be expressed, the crowdnever ceased to press forward with resistless activity, and amongit could be seen occasionally the official watchmen advancingself-reliantly, though frequently without helmets, and, not less often,the helmets advancing without the official watchmen. To add to theacknowledged interest, every person present was proclaiming his viewsfreely on a diversity of subjects, and above all could be heard theclear notes of the musical instruments by which the officials soughtto encourage one another in their extremity, and to deaden the cries ofthose whom they outclubbed.

  Despite this person's repeated protests that the distinction was tooexcessive, he was plucked from hand to hand irresistibly among thosearound, losing a portion of his ill-made attire at each step, soagreeably anxious were all to detain him. Just when the exploit seemedlikely to have a disagreeable ending, however, he was thrust heavilyagainst a door which yielded, and at once barring it behind him, hepassed across the open space into which it led, along a passage betweentwo walls, and thence through an involved labyrinth and beneath thewaters of a canal into a wood of attractive seclusion. Here this personremained, spending the time in a profitable meditation, until the lightwithdrew and the great sky lantern had ascended. Then he cautiouslycrept forth, and after some further trivial episodes which chieflyconcern the obstinate-headed slave guarding the outer door of atea-house, an unintelligent maiden in the employment of one vendingsilk-embroidered raiment, the mercenary controller of a two-wheeledchariot and the sympathetic and opportune arrival of a person seatedupon a funeral car, he succeeded in reaching the place of his abode.

  With unalterable affection and a material request that an unstintedadequacy of new garments may be sent by a sure and speedy hand.

  KONG HO.