Together We Heal

  Did we talk about it? Did we not talk about it? What was the protocol here?

  “So, that happened,” she said and it was the second time I’d seen her blush.

  “Yeah, I guess so.” I resumed my place on the chair, even though I wanted to sit next to her. I was worried about invading her space.

  “I’m not really sure what I feel right now,” she said.

  “Yeah, me neither. Except that I’m one hundred percent sure I’ve never come that hard in my life. I thought the top of my head was going to come off.” We both sort of laughed nervously.

  “I… I haven’t come in a long time,” she said, so quietly I almost didn’t catch it.

  What? I mean, I knew we hadn’t done anything below the waist together, but I guess I assumed she was just satisfying herself on her own. I knew I was. I couldn’t be around her and not be turned on all the fucking time.

  “Yeah?” I said. I definitely wasn’t uncomfortable talking about this. If we were ever going to trust each other and be together physically, we were definitely going to have to talk about it ahead of time.

  “Yeah,” she said, twisting her fingers together. As open and blunt as Trish was, there were a few touchy subjects for her and this was clearly one of them.

  “Do you… I mean, are you upset that it happened?” Fuck, I didn’t know what I’d do if she was. Get on my knees and apologize and do whatever I could to make it up to her. It almost scared me what I would do to keep her. Anything. Absolutely anything. It might not be healthy, but I didn’t care.

  Her eyes flicked up to meet mine in alarm.

  “No, no! I’m just surprised. I didn’t think I could… do that anymore. I thought that part of me was busted.” She laughed a little hysterically.

  “Clearly not,” I said.

  “Yeah, guess not. I’m relieved, actually. And it was good for me too. More than good. Mind-blowing.” I finally got a real smile and it made the tightness in my chest loosen. Thank God.

  “So, are you saying that you think we might get to do it again?” I asked.

  Her smile turned flirty and sexy.

  “I think that could be arranged.”

  Glory fucking halleluiah.

  MY BRAIN WAS still a little melty from the orgasm. I’d told Max that I hadn’t come in a long time, and that was the damn truth. A really long time. I honestly couldn’t remember when. And I was pretty sure it wasn’t like that.

  It wasn’t bad and I didn’t regret it. Not even a little. But I was so confused right now. I’d avoided physical contact of that sort with anyone because I’d thought my past would come up and then I’d have to explain and it was a lot easier to just avoid the whole thing.

  Max was different. Everything about being with him was different.

  The crazy part was that neither of us had even gotten naked. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that yet.

  “This has been pretty much the most amazing two days in the history of days,” Max said as we snuggled in bed later. He’d kept his distance until I’d motioned for him to get in bed with me.

  “Yeah, they pretty much were,” I said as he stroked my hair. I loved it when he played with the wisps at the base of my neck. They always grew out first, showing my natural ashy-blonde color. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually had hair my real color. I’d started dyeing it when I was pretty young. A therapist would probably say it was me outwardly expressing my inward pain or something.

  “Every day with you has been amazing,” he whispered and kissed the very top of my spine. When we first started sharing the bed, I’d pretty much worn a similar outfit to a nun. I covered up as much as possible.

  Gradually, I’d gotten more and more comfortable with showing skin around him. Tonight I just had a tank top and thin shorts on. We both pretended that I didn’t notice when he popped a boner, but it jolted me a little every morning. Sometimes I thought about what he would do if I went ahead and touched him.

  Heated thoughts ran through my head and it took me a long time to calm down and finally get my mind to stop and let me sleep.

  AS USUAL, I woke up before him the next morning. He was on his back, splayed out as much as he could be on the narrow twin bed. I lifted up the blanket and yup, there was definitely something happening down there.

  He seemed totally asleep, so I slowly brushed my palm down his chest. He slept in a t-shirt and his boxers. I knew he’d probably be more comfortable without a shirt, but he kept one on for me. A small cotton barrier between us.

  Max was so good to me. So wonderful and I didn’t deserve it. But maybe I could repay him and make it worth his while, if only a little.

  Reaching the end of the shirt and the beginning of the waistband of his boxers, I had a moment of hesitation. A moment of “what the hell am I doing?” before I screwed up my courage and stroked him. He definitely felt it and made a little sound in his sleep. I stopped. It was so much easier doing this without him being awake and looking at me and talking to me. This was safe.

  I stroked him again, eliciting another moan. That sound made me feel sexy. Powerful. It also turned me on just a little bit.

  Before I knew it, I was reaching my hand under his waistband and going skin-to-skin.

  Oh, wow. Was this what I’d been missing?

  He felt so good. I was getting totally hot and bothered and I wondered if I could do this and use my other hand on myself at the same time.

  I was about to try it when his eyes snapped open. I yanked my hand back so hard the elastic on his boxers smacked against his skin.

  “Sorry!” I said. I’d been caught.

  His chest rose and fell rapidly and he stared up at me as if he’d never seen me before.

  “It’s okay. You… you can keep going if you want.” He wiggled his hips a little, as if he was uncomfortable. He probably was. I really sucked at this. I was the world’s worst girlfriend.

  “Will you close your eyes?” I asked. Having him watch me would just be too much.

  “I can do that,” he said and his eyelids fell again. Okay, I could do this. I could do this. It was just a simple hand job, and he was probably close anyway. Or at least I hoped so. Despite having a brother, I didn’t have a whole lot of good penis knowledge.

  Working my hand under his boxers again, I wrapped my fingers around his shaft. He made a strangled sound and bit his bottom lip.

  “You can make noise if you want,” I said and he nodded, his eyes squeezed shut.

  I took my time with him. Letting myself enjoy the moment and feel all of him. Hear his harsh breaths. Feel the way his muscles clenched. He really was beautiful, and he was all mine.

  Moving my hand slowly, I went up and down his shaft, all the way to the tip and then back down to his balls. I knew he’d probably enjoy it if I added my other hand, but I wasn’t quite ready for that. His hips pumped into my hand and I could tell he was almost there.

  “Jesus fuck!” he said and then he came, hissing my name. I’d never seen the eroticism in that, but I definitely felt it now. The way he said my name at the peak, as if he was worshipping me.

  It was an intense moment, so I removed my hand. It had a little bit of cum on it, but that was okay. He was definitely going to need a fresh pair of boxers.

  “Can I open my eyes now?” he said, his voice going back to normal.

  “Uh huh,” I said, grabbing a tissue to clean off my hand.

  “That was quite a wakeup call,” he said, his lips forming a lazy and sated smile.

  “Yeah, well. It was there, so I figured I might as well do something about it.” I didn’t want him to make a big deal out of it, because then I’d start thinking and that wouldn’t be good for either of us.

  Getting out of bed, I tossed the tissue and tried to screw my head on straight. I heard him get up too and then he was standing behind me, his front just barely touching my back.

  He snaked his arms around my waist and put his chin on my shoulder.

  “Thank you for that.
I hope you didn’t do it because you felt obligated after last night.” I had sex on the brain and it kept getting worse. The high I felt from touching him was wearing off and I was starting to ache for more.

  “I did it because I wanted to. I wanted to see what it was like. And I like the sounds you make,” I admitted, glad he couldn’t see me blush. He chuckled a little.

  “Well, whatever the reason, I’m very appreciative. You’ve definitely guaranteed me an awesome day. Would you like me to return the favor?” I shook my head so fast that he laughed again.

  “Okay, okay. We’ll get there eventually. Because I want to touch you. I want to taste you. I want to make you feel what I feel. Every. Single. Day.” I shivered, but it wasn’t due to a sudden chill. Fuck, he was saying all the right things and my body was screaming out for it too. I stepped away from him and started rummaging through my drawers for some clothes.

  “We should, um, go to breakfast?” It sounded like a question.

  “Sure, hun,” he said, kissing the top of my head. I didn’t want him to think I was rejecting him.

  “I want that too, you know. The problem isn’t that I don’t want things,” I said.

  “I know,” he said, giving me a reassuring smile.

  JUST WHEN I thought things couldn’t get any better, she’d surprised me. I fucking loved it. Loved her. More every day. I wasn’t sure I could love her more and then it would happen.

  Trish consumed my thoughts when I wasn’t with her. I was wishing I was with her and remembering her smile and her laugh and the things she’d say.

  She was driving me fucking crazy and I loved every damn second.

  BECAUSE I’D TAKEN off work so I could spend the weekend with her, I had to work mega hours the following week, which sucked ass. I would text her and she’d text me back, or she’d come visit sometimes, but it wasn’t enough.

  “Why can’t we just be independently wealthy?” I said on Wednesday night as I collapsed next to her in my bed after an extremely long day. I’d come back super late from working at the gym and she was already in bed waiting for me. I’d given her my key so she could let herself in earlier.

  “I don’t know,” she said around a yawn. She was definitely too tired to do anything tonight and I tried not to feel disappointed. She’d woken me up every morning this week with a sweet hand job. I’d never really seen the appeal, but then again, I’d never gotten one from Trish. She’d progressed to letting me keep my eyes open and watching her face as she got down to business made me shoot in about three seconds flat.

  She looked so serious, like she was really concentrating on the task. Fucking hot was what that was.

  Since she was half-asleep, I didn’t bother to go to the bathroom to change my clothes.

  “If you want, you don’t have to wear your shirt,” she mumbled sleepily as I was pulling one over my head. I’d only started wearing them since she’d started staying over. They kind of drove me crazy, but it was a small annoyance.

  “Huh?” I asked.

  “You can take your shirt off.” She rolled onto her back and cracked one eye open.

  “Oh, okay,” I said and pulled the shirt back over my eyes. Now both her eyes were open and she was definitely giving me the once-over. If that wasn’t a turn-on, I didn’t know what was.

  Before I got in, she turned back on her side and I got under the blankets with her. Soon it would be stifling in the dorms and we wouldn’t need blankets, but we weren’t quite there yet.

  Putting my arm around her like I usually did, I enjoyed the feel of her directly against my skin. I sighed and sank into the feeling.

  We still hadn’t talked about love. It was going to take time, but it was hard to be with her all the time and not let those words come out of my mouth. Most of the time I didn’t even think about them, they were so natural, but I held back. It would kill me if she felt bad about herself for not reciprocating. That would just be awful.

  SHE ACTUALLY PUSHED my boxers down the next morning. I still had the blanket over me, but if she only pulled it back, she’d see all of me. I didn’t know if I wanted that to happen or not. Then she’d see everything and I’d get paranoid that she didn’t like the way I looked. Guys could be just as self-conscious as girls.

  I came on my stomach since I was free of the constraints of the boxers.

  She laughed a little.

  “What’s so funny?” I said, still caught in the glow of awesome.

  “I don’t know. I just feel kind of dirty right now. Not dirty bad. Dirty good.” I looked up at her face and she held her hand up. It had just a little bit of cum on it and I got almost instantly hard again.

  “Sorry for the mess?” I said.

  “Don’t be.” She still had this sexy smile on her face. Well fuck me.

  “Are you flirting with me, Trish Grant?” I asked.

  “Maybe a little bit,” she said with a wink.

  I DIDN’T KNOW what came over me. I was not the flirting type. Like, at all. Lottie and Katie and Audrey could all laugh and flip their hair and be all cute and shit, but I just never discovered how to do that without feeling like an asshole.

  But Max was Max and he made me feel beautiful. It was almost easy with him.

  I’d been thinking about his offer all week. To touch me the way I touched him. In theory, it sounded awesome. I mean, it would be a hell of a lot better than trying to do it myself. I’d decide that I was definitely going to tell him to go for it, and then the doubts crept in.

  What if it didn’t feel good? What if I felt nothing? What if it brought back everything and then I associated Max with that and ruined our entire relationship? I couldn’t take that risk.

  I really didn’t know what to do and I had to talk to someone about it. Stryker had too much shit going on with the wedding and the baby and I wasn’t comfortable with him anyway. Lottie would listen, but then she’d go off on one of her rambles and I’d feel self-conscious and the whole thing would be awkward. I definitely didn’t want to go to one of the other guys either.

  Audrey was the best bet. Besides, I’d helped her out not that long ago when she’d been hiding secrets from Will. It was time to make things even.

  I called her when I had a break between classes. She didn’t pick up, but I left a message asking if she wanted to do dinner or something and talk. I got a text back about an hour later that said she was free tonight. Will had a late class and she was going to be by herself anyway.

  Not wanting to talk about something so intimate in the cafeteria, I asked if she wanted to order takeout and talk in her room. She was also sans roommate, so we didn’t have to worry about someone barging in. Next year she was moving in with Will and I had to admit I was a tiny bit jealous. All my friends were moving on in their relationships, becoming adults and shit and here I was, not even able to let my boyfriend see my boobs.

  “So what’s up? I feel like we haven’t talked just the two of us in forever,” she said as I made myself comfortable on the spare bed she used as a couch. Her walls were covered in Harry Potter posters and memorabilia. She and Will really were a perfect nerdy match.

  I sighed.

  “Well…” I trailed off.

  “Hey, it’s okay. I know how hard the past can be to talk about. I’ve only just been able to accept what happened with Eddie and Emily and everything.” She smiled when she said her daughter’s name. The little girl wasn’t even two years old and she had cancer. Eddie was a match for bone marrow donation, so hopefully she’d be fine. I couldn’t even comprehend that. Having a kid.

  “You know I don’t like to talk about my past, my childhood,” I said, trying to get myself started at least.

  “Uh huh. Stryker’s given the impression that it was rough and I know he became your guardian when he turned eighteen.” That had really been the best thing that had happened to us. It meant I didn’t have to go to another foster home and we could be together. He was the only family I’d ever needed.

  “Yeah, okay. Well,
there is a lot more to it than that. A lot more than crazy parents and bad foster homes and shit.” I couldn’t look at her while I talked, so I grabbed a pillow and held it against my chest to keep me anchored.

  Audrey waited patiently for me to go on.

  “I won’t go into details, but let’s just say I’m unable to have normal physical relationships. I’ve tried, but it hasn’t gone well. I know I lied to you and everyone, but I didn’t know what else to do. I told myself I just wasn’t going to do any of that with someone. I thought I’d just go ahead and be an old maid. Maybe get a bunch of cats. And then I met Max and I couldn’t not be with him. I really, really like him.” I looked up from the pillow and found her steady brown eyes watching me. Audrey had a calming effect on people.

  “I know you do,” she said gently.

  “I really, really do. So, anyway, I want to be with him, you know, intimately, but I’m having a hard time figuring out how to do that without freaking out. And that was what I needed to talk to you about.” At that moment I got a text on my phone that our food was here. We’d gotten Chinese. I’d had a hankering for Lo Mein and crispy shrimp.

  Our conversation was put on hold while I went down to pay the delivery guy and bring the food up.

  “I’m starving,” Audrey said, grabbing the bags from me and helping me spread them out on the floor. We sat on pillows and put everything out on a towel so if there were spills she wouldn’t have to wash the floor.

  “Have you talked to Max about it?” Audrey asked as she wielded a set of chopsticks like she’d been doing it her entire life. Jealous. I wasn’t that agile.

  “Sort of? I mean, I don’t feel ready to tell him the exact details, but I’ve told him some stuff. He knows that I’m not just being weird. That I have a reason for not being with him that way. And we’ve done… some stuff.” I didn’t usually blush when it came to sex, but I was doing it now. “You’re not mad at me for lying to you?”