Demon Seed

  Ryan returned to his Atlanta condo and stared out the windows at the skyline. No, he wasn’t at liberty to say. He couldn’t explain the pain he’d suffered upon meeting Abby, seeing the unadulterated joy on his soul brother’s face as he introduced her to them.

  Abby was already Will’s soul mate. There was no undoing that bond. The only way Ryan could deal with his own pain was to distance himself from Will and Aidan. Better for Will and Aidan to hate him for leaving than to spoil his soul brother’s joy.

  An hour later, Ryan was sitting on his sofa, sipping a glass of merlot and staring into space. He’d already changed into jeans and a warm shirt and sweater, although the cold wasn’t as much of an issue for him. Will summoned him.

  Ryan set down his glass and appeared in Will’s living room. Kal sat next to Will on their couch. He hadn’t seen her since the funeral, and her appearance shocked him. She looked nearly dead herself, deep hollows under sunken eyes. He imagined she’d lost at least ten pounds, if not more.

  His heart ached, pain blooming in his soul.

  She looked up at him. As instructed, she’d donned jeans and a sweatshirt.

  “Go with him, okay?” Will said. “As long as you need. Listen to him, let him help you. Please?” Ryan watched as Will brushed the hair out of her face, tenderly tucking a stray strand behind her ear. “It’s okay. I don’t mind, seriously. I love you.” He leaned in and kissed her.

  She nodded. Ryan extended his hand to her. When she took it, he gently nudged her to her feet. He waited until she looked into his eyes to transport them to their destination.

  Kal didn’t speak. He watched her stare at their surroundings, looking around the hillside clearing. Ryan retrieved a blanket and spread it on the ground, sat, and held out his hand to her.

  Still without speaking, Kal took his hand and let him nestle her against his chest, his arms securely wrapped around her as they stared out at the valley below them. It was nearly dark, twilight descending and the sky shifting to purple. He watched as her breath frosted in the chilly air.

  He waited to speak until he felt her marginally relax in his arms. “The world, from time before time, has been filled with man trying to make sense of everything he didn’t understand. Even to this day. Ideas and stories created to comfort the mind and ease wounded souls.

  “Life and death is an endless cycle. Regardless of how much power I have, there are some things I cannot control, love. You know that.”

  He let that sink in for awhile. Darkness descended. With it, the show began.

  Curtains of color swept across the sky before them in slow, graceful waves. He heard her sharp intake of breath.

  “The northern lights,” he whispered.

  He knew from the way her pulse thrummed in her throat that she was watching, listening.

  Opening up to him.

  “Depending on who you talk to,” he continued, “these beautiful lights are ancient ancestors, sea monsters, fire-breathing dragons, or simply scientific phenomenon. Regardless of the explanation, I am no more able to influence the display you see before us than I am the tide.”

  He went silent, feeling a slight opening in her emotional armor.

  “He wasted his life,” she eventually whispered. “Then he wasted any chance of staying alive longer on his useless faith. He could have gotten treatment. It would have bought him some time.”

  Ryan closed his eyes and fought the urge to kiss the back of Kal’s neck. Instead, he cuddled her closer. “I’m sure he didn’t see it that way, love.”

  “But it’s all bullshit, isn’t it? He wasted his life lying to himself and his parishioners about what comes next.”

  He felt her anger, knew that was part of her grief, tangled so tightly together she couldn’t deal with it all. “Just because there is no Heaven and Hell as he believed doesn’t mean it was a waste of time,” he gently said. “It wasn’t a lie to him when he thoroughly believed it was the truth. Giving comfort to someone is never a waste of time regardless of any truth behind it.”

  “Look at all the crap, though. All the hateful things he preached that were couched in Biblical justification. All the years he badgered poor Jeff.”

  “Are you upset for Jeff or yourself? I get the impression Jeff is rather pleased with how this all worked out.”

  She silently shrugged.

  “He brought happiness to others in his own way,” Ryan said.

  “He doesn’t even get his happily ever after, though. No heavenly choir. No angelic greeting at the pearly gates.” Her voice choked up. “Mom thinks he’s going to be waiting for her when the truth is, they’ll never see each other again. She’s living a lie she doesn’t even know is a lie.”

  “His soul will live forever. They all do. There’s no eternal lake of fire to torture people either, so that’s something, right? And who’s to say they won’t be together again at some point? The when doesn’t matter since eternity lies before them, does it not?”

  They watched the lights play across the sky.

  When she shivered in his arms, he willed another blanket from his condo and wrapped it around them both.

  “How did you survive when Chloe died?” Kal asked.

  Ryan hoped she didn’t sense his thoughts. “Will and Aidan pulled me through. If it hadn’t been for them, I would have died. That’s why my father bound us as soul brothers.”

  “That’s how Will survived Abby dying?”

  “Yes. He wasn’t physically injured like I’d been. Still bound to myself and Aidan, he survived, albeit in pain.”

  “Even though he wanted to die?”

  Ryan closed his eyes again. “I couldn’t let him die,” he finally replied. “I love him far too much to allow that to happen. I would do anything to keep him alive.”

  “What about the pain? Your pain? From losing Chloe?”

  “We all deal in the way we deal.”

  More silence between them.

  “He’s really gone, isn’t he?” she asked.

  “I’m so sorry, love.”

  “Was he reincarnated? Like Chloe and Abby?”

  “At some point, I’m sure that will happen. I don’t know if it’s already happened or not. Please don’t ask me to look into that. It’s best you don’t know.”

  “New life, new start?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Will he be happy?”

  “Let’s hope so, love. Every soul experiences at least a little joy.”

  After another few minutes she shuddered as sobs wracked her body. He held her and softly murmured to her, comforting her. He desperately wanted to ease her suffering but knew she had to go through this, experience it, feel it, put it past her or she’d never truly heal. She cried for the better part of an hour as he softly hummed to her, trying to soothe her. When she settled in his arms, she stared at the lights, still sniffling.

  “I miss him. As much as I sometimes hated the things he did, I miss him. I miss my Daddy.”

  “I know.”

  “I had dreams on my honeymoon.”

  Ryan silently swore. “Did you now?”

  “I dreamed of you and Aidan. They didn’t feel like dreams.”

  “Dreams can be very deceptive things.”

  She fell silent for a moment. “Could they have been memories? From a past life?”

  She was far more perceptive than he ever imagined. “What do you think they were?”

  “Please don’t give me the ‘sometimes a cigar is just a cigar’ line.”

  He smiled. Some of her spunky nature was returning. That was a very good sign. “I didn’t have the dreams, so I can’t be the one to tell you what they were. What gives you most comfort to believe?”

  Her voice dropped to barely a whisper. “It gives me the most comfort to believe they were dreams.” Her next statement shocked him. “But there’s part of me that wishes at least some of them were memories.”

  He damn well knew what her dreams were, because lying in his bed, he’d felt them as his
own amulet grew hot in his hand while she’d had them.

  Memories of their past life together.

  “Dreams are just that, love. Dreams. The mind copes the way it copes.”

  The aurora swirled across the sky. “Where are we?” she softly asked, apparently willing to change the subject, much to Ryan’s relief.

  “Alaska.”

  “They’re pretty. I’ve never seen them before.” He sensed the shift in her mood. The hard shell around her emotions had finally shattered. She would heal. Slowly, over time, and with countless more tears ahead of her, but she’d turned the corner. Will could now take over and ease her through her grief, as it should be. “Tell me about the myths. Please?”

  He shifted position slightly to make sure she was comfortable. He relaxed with her and told her about the Vikings, the Scots, the Inuit. From the Aborigines to the Mauri, the Chuvash and others. He softly spoke the old tales, and sometimes she cried. By the time he ran out of stories, it was an hour before dawn and they were now lying on the blanket, Kal safely tucked in his arms.

  Nearly cried out.

  He let the silence lie between them. Then she gently squeezed his arm. “Thank you.”

  He did kiss her then, gently, chastely, his lips pressed to her temple. “I told you before, no matter what, you call me. Including matters such as this. Never again let yourself feel such torture. Please. I want you to be happy.”

  The irony was, despite his own pain, that’s exactly what he wanted. Her happiness.

  “I will.”

  “Why didn’t you talk to Will? Why did you shut yourself off from him?”

  She shrugged. At first he thought she wouldn’t answer him. He didn’t want to pry and try to read her thoughts. “I felt really stupid because here he’d suffered losing Abby. I just felt like if he could deal with something as bad as that, why couldn’t I deal with this?”

  “Then why didn’t you call out to me?”

  “Duh.” She looked over her shoulder at him. “You’ve survived even longer. I didn’t want to look like a crybaby.”

  “Never, love. I would never think that of you.”

  “Did it hurt you, too, when Abby died?” she asked.

  He didn’t want to talk about this, but if it helped Kal, he certainly would. “Yes. Nothing like the agony I experienced losing Chloe. And nothing comparable to the agony Will felt. My pain was more emotional than physical, in that case.” Not that any pain could compare to what he lived with on a daily basis.

  “Why did you say you didn’t get to Abby in time? What happened?”

  He took a deep breath to hopefully disguise his sharp intake of pain at the memory. “I was driving. I had to pull the car over before I could get to her. By the time I arrived, I couldn’t stop the creatures who killed her.” He sat up and squeezed Kal’s hands, offering her a smile. “Feeling better?”

  She shrugged. “Relatively speaking.”

  Ryan closed his eyes and found Will. He wasn’t indisposed. He opened his eyes again. “Stay here for a moment, all right? You’re perfectly safe here.”

  “Okay.”

  He appeared in Will’s living room. Will looked up from where he’d been lying on the sofa. “Where is she?”

  Ryan didn’t want to get too close to him. It would be bad enough Will would smell his scent on Kal. He didn’t need Will smelling her on him, regardless of how okay Will was with this. “Close your eyes.”

  Will did. Ryan muttered the incantation and Will disappeared. Ryan checked, knew Will was safely with her.

  Ryan then took a deep breath and returned to his Atlanta condo. He cast a barrier to remain undisturbed before crawling into bed without bothering to remove his clothes.

  With Kal’s scent a melancholy comfort, he curled around a pillow and drifted to sleep.

  * * * *

  Late that afternoon, Ryan had cooked himself eggs for dinner and was reading the newspaper while he ate when he heard the call. He removed the barrier he’d erected around his condo.

  Will appeared.

  Ryan put the paper down. “And?”

  Will nodded. “She’s still asleep. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He studied Will. “We’re okay, you and I?”

  “Yeah. We’re okay.” Will looked at the floor. “I told you, I’m not jealous, okay?”

  “I know.”

  “I understand there’s going to be times she needs to talk to you. I’m okay with that. If it helps her, then yeah, it’s fine.” Will met Ryan’s gaze. “I was never jealous of the time you spent with Abby, either. Didn’t understand it, and I didn’t always like it, but I wasn’t jealous. I knew she loved me and was true to me. I never doubted her. I don’t doubt Kal.” Will sighed. “I don’t doubt you, either. Can’t say you’ve always been my favorite person though.”

  Ryan didn’t speak, just nodded. He suspected Will had a lot on his mind and didn’t want to interrupt him.

  “Let me get this all out while I can. While I’m in the mood to say it, because the gods know you’ll do or say something to piss me off again and I won’t want to. Thank you for taking care of Abby. For trying to save her and for…for what you did after. I know that wasn’t easy for you, because I know you loved her in a way, too.” He took a deep breath. “As much as I hated you for it at the time, thank you for not letting me die.”

  Ryan nodded again.

  Will scrubbed his eyes with his hands. Ryan pretended not to see his old friend’s tears. “You’re right. I don’t know the big picture. I don’t fucking envy you. I never understood how bad you were hurting before, until I lost Abby. I only lived with it for twenty-six years. You’ve lived with it for centuries and I have no idea how you did it. I’m sorry there were times I busted your balls and I had no clue how you felt before.”

  “You owe me no apologies.”

  “Would you have taken Kal as your soul mate? If I’d come back to The Firm earlier, or if I’d refused to take her anyway?”

  Tread carefully, Ryan thought. “I’m sorry I had to resort to that method to bring you back, Will. You know I would never willingly put an innocent at risk. Especially someone with a pure soul such as hers.”

  “That doesn’t answer my question.”

  “Does it matter? You had a pure bond with Abby. You have a pure bond with Kal. What-ifs and why-dids have no place in your relationship with her. Love her, cherish her. Enjoy what you have and let the past lie. Please.”

  Will’s eyes looked red. “Whose amulet did you give her?” he hoarsely asked. “It was already charged. There’s no way it was a new amulet.”

  “It was mine to give. Your soul mate is powerful within her own right. You’ve already seen that. She needs the extra protection, the ability to learn and come into her powers. The means to take full advantage of what the two of you have so she can stay safer.”

  Stalemate.

  Will’s shoulders slumped as he dropped his gaze to the floor again. “We missed you,” he muttered. “When you left. Me and Aidan. We really missed you. It wasn’t the same without you around, Ami.”

  Ryan sucked in a sharp breath. “As I missed you.” He arose from the stool and stared at Will. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could say more, but I can’t.”

  Will closed the gap and hugged him. Ryan closed his eyes and fought back his own tears.

  “I missed you…brother,” Will said.

  “I missed you, too, brother.”

  “Why did Abby call out to you instead of me when they attacked her?”

  Ryan hoped Will couldn’t sense his shock. He stepped back. “She was a brilliant woman from a warrior race. She knew they would kill you if you appeared. She refused to put you in jeopardy. Not to mention you were across the barrier. She wasn’t sure you could have heard her anyway.”

  Will nodded and turned, wiping his eyes. “Thanks.” He disappeared.

  Ryan stood there looking at the empty space for a long moment, his emotions upended. He reset the barrier and grabbe
d his plate. Dumping the uneaten eggs into the garbage disposal, he washed the dishes and retreated to his bedroom to try to sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Kal tried to return to a semblance of normalcy. She still felt sad, but managed to find a balance in her life, allowing her to work and open up to Will for his support. She fought the urge to throw herself into her show duties to hide from the pain.

  She also resisted the urge to stay angry at Will and Ryan for keeping the news of her father’s cancer from her.

  Aidan was a huge help, his ready ear and willing hugs soothing her when Will had to be away. One bad evening, while Will was helping Ryan, Kal shut their office door and crawled into Aidan’s lap, resting her head on his shoulder. He put his arm around her and pulled her snugly against him. “You okay, sweet cheeks?”

  Kal nodded. “Yeah. I will be.” She sighed. “Does this get any easier?”

  He kissed the top of her head. “Honey, it’s never easy. I’ve been alive a lot of years, and trust me, it’s never easy, no matter how many times you go through it.”

  “How did you get past losing your sister and Abby?”

  “I put one foot in front of the other. That’s all I could do. That’s all anyone can do.”

  “I feel guilty. Like we could have done something.”

  He made her sit up and look at him, his voice serious. “Kal, you know Ryan. If he could have done something, he would have done it in a heartbeat. Your dad was too far gone by the time Ryan learned about the cancer. He did the only thing he could do, and that’s make it so you all could enjoy his last months together. You’ve got some good memories. Don’t let wishing and regrets taint them.”

  “I still wish they’d told me sooner.”

  “And do what, make you miserable? Your dad wouldn’t have wanted that. Quit being mad at them for knowing about it. They helped you spend a lot more time than you would have had with him. The time you did have was pretty darn tootin’ good, all things considered. You had a good wedding, lots of good memories.”

  “Yeah.”

  He hugged her again. “Kiddo, it’ll hurt for a long time. I’m not saying it won’t. All I’m saying is you keep on keepin’ on, and eventually you’ll find a place where you can come to terms with it.”