Funny Stories Told by the Soldiers

Colonel, looking along the line of recruits, “I want agood smart bugler.”

  At that out stepped a dilapidated fellow who had a thick stubble ofblack beard.

  “What!” said the colonel, eying him up and down. “Are you a bugler?”

  “Oh, bugler!” said he. “I thought you said burglar.”

  NO TIME TO SAY ALL OF IT

  “So,” sobbed Ilma Vladoffovitchskioffsky, “Ivan Nine-spotski died inbattle. You say he uttered my name as he was dying?”

  “Part of it,” replied the returned soldier—“part of it.”

  NO MAIL TO HADES

  Willie Hohenzollern (after Berlin fell)—“But, mein friendt, I want towrite a letter to papa.”

  Yankee Guard—“Nothin’ doin’, Heinie. We don’t have asbestos stationeryaround here.”

  MORE TO THE PURPOSE

  Officer—“So you captured a thousand Germans by just calling acrossNo Man’s Land. What did you do—promise them a square deal if theysurrendered?”

  Yankee Private—“No; I promised them a square meal.”—_Life._

  WHAT WE MAY EXPECT NOW

  The war was over and the new woman was fully developed. Gone were thepetticoats and faldelals. Women aimed at being rational in characterand dress.

  In such an after-the-war household Mr. Bigboy was washing out baby’sbottle when his wife came down dressed for going out.

  “Are you going out?” whined Mr. Bigboy.

  “Yes,” said his wife, patting his cheek. “It’s the big meeting at thelodge.”

  “Then—then,” said the man, and his lips trembled, “if you’re not in by11 o’clock I’ll—I’ll go home to father.”

  EIGHT MILES FOR HIM

  A story is told of a German spy who was captured within the Englishlines in France. An English Tommy was detailed by his commander tomarch the German four miles back of the lines and there shoot him.After marching through mud and water for four miles, all tired out andrain soaked, the pair finally reached the four-mile point. The Germanwas exasperated by this time and blurted: “Vot’s the idea of marchingme four miles through mud and rain to be shot?”

  “My word,” the English Tommy said. “What are you kicking about? Thinkof me. I gotta walk back!”

  NO FIGHTING FOR HIM

  One of the recruiting canvassers in an English provincial town was awell-known magistrate. In most cases he succeeded in obtaining thepromises he wished, but at last he knocked at one cottage-door whichwas opened to him by a sturdy son of the soil.

  “My man,” said the magistrate, in his most persuasive tones, “are youwilling to fight for your King and country?”

  “No, I beant, sir,” was the prompt reply. “An’ I be surprized at youaskin’ me for to do it. Two years ago come next month you yourselffined I twenty shillings for fighting wi’ Bill Smith, and you saidit wor wicked to fight, an’ I promised you as I wouldn’t repeat theoffense, an’ allus kept my word.”

  HOW HUNS TICKLED THEMSELVES

  Berlin, April—There is no question that terrible damage was caused inLondon by the latest Zeppelin raid. The commander of the Zeppelin L-10has brought back with him to Germany a sketch which he made while hewas flying over the British metropolis. It clearly shows the houses ofParliament in flames and Sir Edward Grey running along Piccadilly withhis coat-tails afire. The sketch has been warmly commended by art andmilitary critics.

  ’TWASN’T HIS FAULT

  An English girl gave General Pershing quite a jolt while he was inLondon. She had been placed at his disposal as the driver of hisautomobile. One day he said to his girl driver:

  “Can you please come for me here at the War Office at 6 o’clock?”

  “Yes, General,” answered the girl.

  At six o’clock, military-like, the General was on the steps awaitinghis car.

  At three minutes past six it swung to the curb. The General, with hiseyes a-twinkle, said to the girl, as he took out his watch: “You arethree minutes late.”

  “That should hardly count with you, General,” was the instant answer.“You are three years late.”

  VERY GOOD, PUNCH

  A Chertsey pig-breeder has been granted total exemption. The pen, itseems, is still mightier than the sword.—_Punch._

  HE KNEW ABOUT COWS

  Mrs. Parker—“Now, young man, why aren’t you at the Front?”

  Young Man (milking cow)—“’Cos there ain’t any milk that end, missus!”

  WILLING TO TREAT

  Examining Surgeon—“Have you any scars?”

  Rookie Marine Applicant—“No, sir; but I have some cigarets in my coatover there.”

  AND FULL OF TABASCO

  “Are they seasoned troops?”

  “They ought to be. They were first mustered in by their officers, andthen peppered by the enemy.”

  CAUSE FOR DEPRESSION

  “No, my ’usband ain’t killed, Mrs. Marks. No sooner did I put all thekids in mournin’, even to Biby in the pram, when I gets a telegram asayin’ ’e’s alive and well. Yes, an’ all this expense for nothin’.”

  “Wot a crool shame!”

  ENOUGH TO WARRANT EXEMPTION

  Recruiting Officer—“How about joining the colors? Have you anyonedependent on you?”

  Motorist—“Have I? There are two garage owners, six mechanics, four tiredealers, and every gasoline agent within a radius of 125 miles.”

  CHANGED HIS TUNE

  Cockney Tommy (surveying fat German soldier who, being brought in aprisoner, still has his hands up): “Blow me if this ain’t the oldblighter who used to play, ‘I fear no foe in shining armor’ dahn ahrstreet.”

  FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW

  It is, of course, well known that Sir Douglas Haig is a soldier first,last and all the time, regarding all other professions as of quitenegligible importance, a trait in his character which lends point tothe anecdote.

  He was, it appears, inspecting a cavalry troop, and was particularlystruck with the neat way in which repairs had been made in some of thesaddles.

  “Very good work,” he remarked to the troop sergeant-major. “Who did it?”

  “Two of my troopers, sir,” was the reply.

  “You’re fortunate to have two such expert saddlers in your troop,” saidHaig.

  “As a matter of fact, sir,” was the reply, “they’re not saddlers, incivil life being lawyers.”

  “Well,” ejaculated Sir Douglas, “how men who can do work like thatcould have wasted their lives over law I can’t imagine!”

  THOSE PET NAMES FOR OFFICERS

  A very tall, thin lieutenant reported in Flanders to a Canadianbattalion commanded by a bald, elderly colonel. After a few days heapproached his commander and asked permission to air a grievance.

  “I wish you would use your influence, sir, to restrain my platoon fromreferring to me as ‘Legs,’” he said.

  “Sure, my lad, sure,” replied the Colonel solemnly, “if you’ll useyours to stop my whole battalion calling me ‘Old Baldy.’”

  TOO MUCH HARVARD

  “That ’ere Yank’s an educated toff from ’arvard,” said Tommy Atkins,leaning on his spade. “I’m jolly well weary of ’is learnin’, too, thatI am. We’re ordered to throw up trenches along the Marne, and as ’epicks up ’is spade, th’ bloomin’ college blighter says, says ’e: ‘Well,Tommy, come on; it looks like we’re infra dig!’ And wot I says is:Blarst a college education, anyhow, eh?”

  WOULDN’T INSULT THE JACK

  On a road in Belgium a German officer met a boy leading a jackass, andaddressed him in heavy jovial fashion as follows:

  “That’s a fine jackass you have, my son. What do you call it?...Albert, I bet!”

  “Oh, no, officer,” the boy replied quickly. “I think too highly of myKing.”

  The German scowled and returned: “I hope you don’t dare to call itWilliam.”

  “Oh, no, officer. I think too highly of my jackass.”

  ONE WAY TO GET EVEN

  Here is a story our wou
nded boys have brought back from the front aboutSir Douglas Haig.

  Sir Douglas was in a great hurry to get to a certain place. He foundhis car, but the chauffeur was missing. So Sir Douglas got in the carand drove off by himself. Then the driver appeared and saw the cardisappearing in the distance.

  “Great Scot!” cried the driver, “there’s ’Aig a-driving my car!”

  “Well, get even with him,” said a Tommy, standing by, “and go and fightone of ’is battles for him.”

  “HONEY” DRAWS THE LINE

  I’ve beamed when you hollered, “Oh, Girlie!” I’ve hopped when you bellowed, “Oh, say!” I’ve fallen for “Dearie” and “Missus,” And everything else till today. But there’s one thing that’s got to be different, From now till the Great War is done— Unless you’re prepared for a riot, You’ve got to quit calling me “Hun!”

  WILLING TO EXPLAIN

  Staff Colonel—“Your reports should be written in such manner that eventhe most ignorant may understand them.”

  Sergeant—“Well, sir, what part is it that you don’t understand?”

  CAUSE FOR ANNOYANCE

  The latest example of English as she is spoken comes from Egypt, wherea native interpreter, who had overstayed his leave, wrote the followingletter to his chief:

  “My absence is