Funny Stories Told by the Soldiers

architecture,how the windows would be built larger.

  “We will have to carry a lot of rock,” she smiled. “You see, those areall shot to pieces. But it’s not far to the river.”

  Then she turned and resumed her task of clearing away the debris thathad once been the east wall of her house.

  RECOGNIZED THE RESEMBLANCE

  Pat was serving in the Army, and his two companions happened to be anEnglishman and a Scotsman. These two gave their Irish friend a livelytime with their jokes and teasing.

  One day Pat was called away, and left his coat hanging on a nail. TheEnglishman and Scotsman, seeing some white paint near, seized theopportunity of painting a donkey’s head on the back of Pat’s coat.

  The latter soon returned, and looking first at his coat, and thenfixing his eye on his chums, said slowly: “Begorra! and which of youtwo has wiped your face on my coat?”

  PROOF POSITIVE

  “Come, corporal,” said the colonel, “say definitely what you mean. Wasthe prisoner drunk, or wasn’t he?”

  “’E wasn’t himself, sir; he was under the influence of drink. When Isaw him he’d been washing his face in a puddle an’ he was trying towipe it on a wire doormat, cursin’ the holes in the ‘towel.’”

  CAN SHOW WHAT HE’S GOOD FOR

  The sergeant-major had trouble in finding an accountant for hiscaptain, but at last brought in a private for trial.

  “Are you a clerk?” demanded the captain.

  “No, sir,” replied the man.

  “Do you know anything about figures?” asked the captain.

  “I can do a bit,” replied the man, modestly.

  “Is this the best man you can find?” asked the officer.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Well,” growled the captain, “I suppose I’ll have to put up with him!”Turning to the private, he snapped, “What were you in civilian life?”

  “Professor of mathematics at the State College, sir,” was theunexpected reply.

  GLAD HE TALKED TO GEN. PERSHING

  He was in khaki, but it’s better not to say what branch of the servicehe is in, and it certainly would be cruel to hint at his company. Thereare probably gold bars in it, and the guardhouse is not the place for areturned soldier. Here’s the story he tells. He says it’s true:

  “Sometimes overseas,” he said, “it seems as if every other man you metwas a second lieutenant.

  “One day last spring Gen. Pershing and his staff found themselves outin the open with a chance for a bit of rest, the first in days, butnary a place to take it in.

  “Well, ‘Black Jack’ thought what was good enough for his men wasn’t soworse for him. He just quietly rolled himself up in his cape and laydown under a hedge where the mud wasn’t more than a foot deep, and thestaff took the next hedge and did likewise.

  “Pretty soon along comes a regiment and stops for a minute. Some of themen drop out for a snooze, and one of them comes along to the hedgewhich was ‘Black Jack’s’ private ‘boodoir’ and lies down beside him.Pretty soon he begins to talk to the chief friendly like, and Pershingtalks to him and it was mighty dark.

  “Pretty soon the regiment’s ordered to fall in and the Johnny leaves‘Black Jack’ casual like and starts to rejoin. But on his way he meetsan orderly and he asks him, ‘Who’s that decent guy under the hedge?’

  “‘My gracious,’ or words to that effect, as they say at thecourt-martials, remarks the orderly, ‘Don’t you know that’s GeneralPershing?’

  “Well, that soldier does some tall thinking for a minute and then hegoes back to the hedge and stands at salute and begs Pershing’s pardonmost pretty. The General looks up at him and our friend swears he wasgrinning a little and he says slow and thoughtful like:

  “‘Never mind. That was an interesting talk and I understand. It’s allright with me, but,’ and the eyes of him looked as sober as if he wastalking tactics with Foch, ‘Don’t try it with any of those new secondlieutenants.’

  “And,” concluded the man in khaki, “the guy went away just a-shudderingwith thinking what would have happened if it had been a secondlieutenant instead of just a General.”

  BEFORE ONE CAN TURN AROUND

  Willis—How do you like army life? Quite a number of new turns for afellow to get used to, I suppose.

  Gillis—You bet. At night you turn in, and just as you are about to turnover somebody turns up and says, “Turn out.”

  ONE ON THE COLONEL

  The Colonel beckoned to his orderly.

  “Smith, I wish you’d ride into the town and get the correct time.”

  “Why, sir,” Smith hesitated, “I haven’t got a watch.”

  “A watch, a watch,” the Colonel roared. “What in the name of sense doyou want a watch for? Write it down on a piece of paper, man.”

  A GRAND STAND PLAY

  All sorts of stories come from across the water relative tomisunderstandings between Yanks and the ladies over there, and not theleast amusing is one told at the Washington Press Club by one of thecorrespondents.

  Seems the doughboy had taken an English girl to a baseball game, and,after it was over, was eager to make sure that she had understood andappreciated the great American game.

  “Now, if there’s anything you didn’t understand tell me and I’llexplain,” he pleaded in her fair ear.

  “Well,” she answered, “really, don’t you know, I didn’t understand abit of it, and some of it sounded awfully silly.”

  “What was so awfully silly?” demanded the doughboy. “Tell me and I’llexplain.”

  “Well,” replied the girl, dubiously, “why do they call the seats thestands?”

  And, at last reports, the soldier was still trying to tell her.

  THE NEGRO IN AUTHORITY

  Camp Devens, Mass.—These colored noncommissioned officers are efficientor nothing.

  A newly-made corporal, recently from Dixie, was superintending thebreaking up of some old cases down in the 13th Battalion today. Adark recruit was wielding an ax with vigor and with fair success. Thecorporal apparently couldn’t find any specific thing the matter withhis work, but he stopped him just the same. “Boy,” said the dignifiedcorporal, “boy, does you know how to do dis yere work?”

  “Co’se ah does,” replied the recruit rather indignantly.

  The corporal eyed him dangerously. “Sojer,” he said, darkly, “didah evah show you how dis should be done? Have yo’ evah received anyconstructions fum me?”

  “No,” admitted the rookie reluctantly, “yo’ nevah tol’ me nuthin’.”

  “Den, man, yo’ don’ know nuthin’,” exploded the corporal, and theprivate meekly dropped his ax.

  DON’T YOU DO IT, TOMMY

  Old Lady (to severely wounded soldier): “Poor man, have you lost yourleg?”

  Tommy: “Yes, mum.”

  Old Lady: “Oh, poor fellow! Do have an apple!”

  Tommy (to his chum, when the old lady had departed): “Bill, I thinkI’ll have my other leg off before she comes next week. I might get abanana!”

  NO PROHIBITION THERE

  “That’s how we do things in the Army,” said Tommy, pointing to anews heading which bore the word, “Five Hundred Germans Drowned inChampagne.” “Got nothing to beat that in the Navy, I’ll bet.”

  “Oh, haven’t we?” retorted his sailor friend. “My lad, that’s nothingto get excited about—nothing at all. In that last little affair alongthe Belgian coast we sank three German submarines in port!”

  CHAFFING EACH OTHER

  When Charles Schwab was inspecting the Seattle shipbuilding yards hewas accompanied by his friend, Dr. Eaton. Both are eloquent speakers,the crowd always calling for more. It was horse and horse between thetwo as to which could tell the most impossible story on the other.

  One day while addressing a few thousand shipbuilders, Dr. Eaton scoreda base hit with this:

  “Boys, I’ll tell you something in strict confidence. A few days agowhen in Tacoma, Charlie and I went aboard a new ship t
hat was nearlyready to go in service. As we walked along the clean, new deck,Charlie noticed some large lids and wondered what was inside. So thesailors came and lifted the hatch, and when he looked down into thehold he said, ‘Why, the damn thing is hollow!’”

  Then Charlie came to bat and told how on leaving Portland “Doc” rushedto him in great excitement with the announcement that he had lost hisbaggage.

  “‘It’s too bad,’ I said. ‘How did it happen?’

  “‘Why, the cork came out,’ moaned the Doctor.”

  GETTING ON FAST

  One day in a French village two soldiers were being served coffee byan old French woman when one of them remarked, “Gee, Bill, this don’ttaste like coffee.”

  “Ain’t,” answered his companion; “it’s chicory.”

  The first soldier looked at him in admiration and said: “Here we onlystruck this place yesterday and you’re learning the language already.”

  NO WONDER HE REBELLED

  The Officer (to recruit reported for insubordination, who has refusedto enter the swimming pool)—And what have you got to say for yourself?

  Recruit—Please, sir, I’ve only been in the navy three days. The firstday the doctor drawed two o’ me teeth; the second day I was vaccinated,and now a petty orficer, he says,