Funny Stories Told by the Soldiers
after him.
“Well, that makes five,” despondently said the boy.
“Five?” asked the nurse. “What do you mean?”
“Well,” was the answer, “I’ve always had to mind daddy and mother andAunt Mary and God, and now here comes along Mr. Hoover.”
IT TAKES FIFTEEN YEARS, SON
A young recruit, fresh from a New Hampshire farm, sat watching a groupof men in camp, engaged in the usual pastime—“the great American game.”After watching the game silently for a time he inquired: “Is that pokeryou fellows are playing?” On being informed that it was, he volunteered:
“Well, I’ll be darned! I’ve been watching this game carefully for aboutfifteen minutes, and I don’t believe I thoroughly understand it yet.”
AW, BE A SPORT, HUBBY
Mrs. Will Irwin, speaking of women’s wartime costumes, said at aWashington Square tea:
“The more immodest fashions would disappear if men would resolutelyoppose them.
“I know a woman whose dressmaker sent home the other day a skirt thatwas, really, too short altogether. The woman put it on. It was becomingenough, dear knows, but it made her feel ashamed. She entered thelibrary, and her husband looked up from his work with a dark frown.
“‘I wonder,’ she said, with an embarrassed laugh, ‘if these ultra-shortskirts will ever go out?’
“‘They’ll never go out with me,’ he answered in decided tones.”
NOT ON THE PROGRAM
When the wealthy Mrs. Beldon came to visit her son at his post, thegallant Lieutenant was so pleased that he arranged a theater party inhonor of his mother. Officers and their ladies were in all the boxes.When the Lieutenant glanced over the audience he saw that every onewas looking at his box. Women held handkerchiefs to their faces andmen shook with laughter. Then he noticed that his mother, who held inone gloved hand a fan, rested the other arm upon the rail of the box.Her free hand, she thought, reposed on the lower rail, but in realityit rested upon the bald pate of an old man who sat in the box below.The old gentleman apparently was in agony, but he was very patient.Suddenly the audience started to applaud and the officer’s mother, intotal abstraction, affectionately patted that poor bald head, whichsuddenly arose in crimson rage and left the theater.
WHERE HIS AUTHORITY BEGAN
A tired column of troops clambered down a rocky ledge and went intocamp beside a delightful little pool of water. The commanding officerimmediately placed his sentry at the pool. Soon more soldiers scrambleddown the ledge and a tired Lieutenant quickly prepared for a plungeinto that pool. But he was met with a sharp command from across thepond:
“Halt!”
“What are your orders?” said the Lieutenant.
“Sir,” came the answer, “my orders are to prevent all officers,soldiers, and natives from bathing in that pool. The water is reservedfor the coffee for supper.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before I stripped?”
“Sir, I have no orders to prevent any man from stripping.”
A TENNYSONIAN TODDY
It was bitterly cold. Captain Price was officer of the day. It wasnecessary for him to inspect the guard after midnight, and, fearful ofthe influenza, he sought prevention in hot toddy. Fate decreed that heshould be reported drunk on duty. Now, the men in the troop thoughtmuch of their genial Captain. They petitioned McSweeny, orderly to thetroop commander, to go to the court-martial and swear to anything, butto be sure to clear the Captain. So it came to pass that McSweenyappeared as a witness. The Judge Advocate said he must swear to thetruth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Then he thundered:
“Do you know the accused?”
“Yes, Sir,” came the answer, “he is my troop commander, Captain Price.”
“Did you see the accused on this date?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“What was the condition of the accused?”
“The Captain was sober, Sir.”
“The testimony reads that he was intoxicated.”
“No, Sir.”
“It is further stated that you helped the accused to his quarters.”
“No, Sir; I went over to the quarters with the Captain.”
“It is said that you helped the accused into his bunk.”
“No, Sir: I took off his boots.”
“Did the accused say anything that would lead you to suspect that hewas intoxicated?”
“No, Sir; he only said one thing.”
“What was that?”
“When I was leaving, Sir, he said: ‘McSweeny, call me early. I am goingto be Queen of the May.’”
WHY REMIND THEM OF IT?
Terry O’Neill was steward on an army transport. Before the mess callsounded Terry always visited the different staterooms. Pushing thedoor ajar, he would say to the officers: “Gentlemen, do you wish me tothrow your luncheon overboard, or will you do it yourselves?”
HE’D HEARD HER SING
“And did you have a good crossing?” asked the friend of the adventurouslady who had just returned from France.
“Oh, a most terrible crossing, terrible. The most awful storm I’veever been in. Yet I wasn’t a bit afraid. The other passengers were ina panic running all over the boat, till at last the captain, who hadheard that I was a singer, asked me to sing to them and quiet them, andI did. And all the time I was singing the heavy seas were running.”
“I don’t blame ’em!” growled her father. “I don’t blame those heavyseas a bit.”
WHY FRANCE WON
A Frenchwoman was torn by a shell while rendering service to thesoldiers, and General Petain, of the French Armies, accompanied by hisstaff and by General Pershing as a guest, went to the woman’s bedsideand pinned on her breast the Croix de Guerre, the soldiers’ cross ofwar.
“My general,” said the woman to Petain, “I am glad to have been struckso that you may see and know that the daughters as well as the sons ofFrance are ready to suffer and, if need be, to die for France and forher liberty.”
MUCH THE SAFEST PLAN
A recruiting sergeant stationed in the south of Ireland met Pat andasked him to join the army. The latter refused, whereupon the sergeantasked his reason for refusing.
“Aren’t the King and the Kaiser cousins?” asked Pat.
“Yes,” said the recruiting sergeant.
“Well,” said Pat, “begorra, I once interfered in a family squabble, andI’m not going to do so again.”
THE OLD FAMILIAR WORDS
Some time ago, when a British corps was reviewed by Sir Ian Hamilton,one officer was mounted on a horse that had previously distinguisheditself in a bakery business. Somebody recognized the horse, andshouted, “Baker!” The horse promptly stopped dead, and nothing couldurge it on.
The situation was getting painful when the officer was struck with abrilliant idea, and remarked, “Not today, thank you.” The processionthen moved on.
WITH A COMMA AFTER “RED”
“Mrs. Bing’s new baby is just in the fashion.”
“How do you mean?”
“It is such a red cross affair.”
HOLES CLEAR THROUGH HIM
The melancholy youth was lying in the hospital bed entertaining hisvisitors with tales of the battlefield.
“Yes,” he said, almost tearfully, “I have had a rough time. I was onceso riddled with bullets the fellows behind me complained of the draft.”
WAS THIS FOREORDAINED?
The Presbyterians are having their day, it seems, if one looks over alist of the foremost men of today. Woodrow Wilson is a Presbyterianelder; Robert Lansing, Secretary of State, is likewise. Thomas R.Marshall, Vice President of the United States, is a Presbyterian;and so are General Pershing, in command of America’s legions abroad;General Peyton C. March, the new Chief of Staff; and General HughScott. General Field Marshal Haig, of the British armies, is a memberof the Church of Scotland, which is Presbyterian; and Field MarshalJoffre is a member of the Reformed Church, which in France is similarlynearest to the Presbyter
ian Church in the United States.
WILLING TO PAY THE PRICE
A Tommy on furlough entered a jeweler’s shop and, placing amuch-battered gold watch on the counter, said, “I want this ’eremended.”
After a careful survey the watchmaker said, “I’m afraid, sir, the costof repairing will be double what you gave for it.”
“I don’t mind that,” said the soldier. “Will you mend it?”
“Yes,” said the jeweler, “at the price.”
“Well,” remarked Tommy, smiling, “I gave a German a punch on the nosefor it, and I’m quite ready to give you two if you’ll mend it.”
WAR’S COMPENSATIONS
“Lady (young) will gladly MARRY and give up life to the careand happiness of WOUNDED HERO, blinded or incapacitated by thewar.—_Genuine, Box M 770, the London Times._”
CAP WAS A SURE WINNER
The captain of the SS. Piffle listened patiently to a passenger’saccount of his shooting abilities, then he quietly remarked:
“I don’t think you could hit this bottle at twenty yards, placed on thetaffrail, while the ship is heaving like this.”
“It would be only child’s play,” said the passenger.
“Well, I’ll bet you a guinea you don’t hit it three times out of six.”
“It’s a