The Dysfunctional Affair

options. I could stay on the floor of the living room and watch my friends and my mother fight the bad guys, or I could try to help. I looked at Marduk. The Dane seemed to sigh at me as he padded by on his large paws.

  Suddenly, all hell broke loose. The gunshots stopped, but they were replaced by screaming. Some of the screams were very high pitched. Sebastian threw open the front door and was gone. I dialed 911.

  “911, do you need fire, police, or rescue?” A woman’s voice came on the line. It was very pleasant, as Alex would say, she gave good phone.

  “All three, this is Nadine Daniels and there is at least one person, possibly more, shooting at my house,” I answered.

  “Miss Daniels, I am dispatching officers and EMS now,” the operator told me.

  “Great, how long?”

  “A few minutes, it appears there is a detective responding as well.” The operator sounded a little confused.

  “That would be my brother.” The day was not getting any better. “You might warn officers that there are six large Great Danes on the property; they are trained, and currently they are outside.” I thought about Zeke, someone should really call him. “Mom, stop shooting at people and call Zeke.”

  “You call Zeke,” my mother replied, firing again with the giant handgun. I sighed.

  “Are you returning fire?” The operator asked.

  “I’m not, no, but my mother, a private detective and security agent is. I was kidnapped and stabbed two days ago.” There was a clicking noise.

  “Miss Daniels, this is Officer Diego Vasquez. Did you say your mother was returning fire?” There was a hint of laughter in his voice. Diego Vasquez was about my age, he and my younger brother were very good friends in school. They still kept in touch. He knew my mother.

  “Yes. Are you a responding officer?” I asked.

  “Yes,” he answered.

  “Good,” I hung up with 911 and called him directly on his cell phone. He answered on the first ring. “The guys outside might be mob related.”

  “Italian Mob or Russian Mob?” Diego asked.

  “Italian,” I answered. “They’ve stopped shooting, but I can still hear shouting, so I imagine they are outnumbered by the Danes. Please don’t shoot my dogs.”

  “Your mother is firing at them even though they aren’t shooting?”

  “Yes and Sebastian ran out the door about a minute ago, so I don’t know what he’s doing either. I’m kind of hoping he isn’t dead.”

  “Good grief,” Diego let out a long sigh. I understood. “Tell your mother to hide the gun, I know she doesn’t have a permit.”

  “Isn’t that illegal?”

  “Just do it, I’m almost there,” Diego hung up.

  “Mom, Diego Vasquez is one of the responding officers. He said to stop shooting at them, since you don’t have a permit for your gun.”

  “Well, you just wait until I see him,” she put away her gun. “They attacked us; we have a right to defend ourselves. I’ve read the constitution.”

  “Yes, mom,” I let out my own long sigh as sirens approached. I was tempted to start banging my head against the wall again, bruised or not.

  The Other Arrival

  Officer Diego Vasquez was a just under six feet tall. He had brown hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. He was standing next to me. The detective turned out not to be Ivan. Ivan had called though, which was when I remembered his wife had called in sick for him.

  We had a detective named Jim Jones, which kind of made me feel sorry for him. Even if I had thought of a Kool-Aid joke, I was sure he got them more often than he wanted. If that hadn’t done it, it would be his current predicament, in theory, he was supposed to be questioning my mother. In reality, my mother was lecturing him about how to groom his facial hair, which she found untidy and was therefore the sole reason Detective James Jones did not have a wedding ring on his finger.

  Sebastian was talking to another officer, giving his statement. Luckily for his officer, Sebastian didn’t care about marriage or grooming habits. He had seen two shooters. Both had taken off when they had been charged by six Great Danes. For some reason, big dogs just terrified some people. The shooters had abandoned their car and one of their guns, so I was guessing they were among those people terrified of big dogs. Baldur did have a piece of clothing in his mouth. He had given it to Diego Vasquez only after I had issued him some commands.

  However, I was guessing the dogs were still hungover since they hadn’t given chase. They usually loved to run, and chasing bad guys was just as fun as chasing anything else to them. I was just glad they were scary looking enough to send bad guys running away.

  “When he comes and talks to you, you’re going to play stupid, aren’t you?” Diego Vasquez asked.

  “Yep,” I answered, watching Jones. “Although, by the time my mother gets done with him, he might have a nervous breakdown.”

  “I’m pretty sure she just used the word manscaping,” Diego looked at me.

  “I’m trying not to listen.” I shrugged.

  “Congrats on getting married by the way,” Diego offered.

  “Thanks, it’s her fault. Zeke is picking…” I remembered I hadn’t called Zeke. “Dang, I forgot to let Zeke know about all this. He’s picking up his mother from the airport.”

  “Wow, your mother and your mother-in-law,” Diego gave a small whistle.

  “Yep, I’d rather deal with mobsters.”

  “We have a K-9 unit on the way.”

  “Great, my dogs seem too hungover to care a whole lot about tracking down bad guys.”

  “Your dogs were drunk?”

  “My dogs might still be drunk, I’m not really sure. They finished a couple of bottles of whiskey last night. Everyone was too drunk to put them out of their reach.” I sighed. “We were having a pity party because Zeke and I are getting married.”

  “I didn’t know the two of you were dating.”

  “We aren’t,” I answered. “He needed a place to stay, I rented him a room, then I was kidnapped, and now my mother is convinced we eloped. So, she is planning a ceremony at my grandfather’s church and keeping the elopement secret.”

  “What is she going to do when she finds out there isn’t a marriage certificate on file for you?”

  “Probably file one.” I hadn’t thought of that. “You know how she gets.”

  “Yeah, she’s a riot,” Diego smiled. I wondered if he’d lost his mind. “I hope you intend to send me an invitation.”

  “Sure,” I answered. Detective Jones was now rubbing his eye. Either he had an eye twitch or was getting a headache, from this distance, I couldn’t tell.

  “Sergeant?” Another officer came running down my driveway. The sergeant in charge was Mike Williams. I’d meet him a few times before, sometimes because of my brother, sometimes because of situations like this. “Sergeant?” The officer shouted again.

  “What?” Williams asked.

  “I got a host of people at the end of the driveway and they aren’t happy and they aren’t speaking English. I don’t know what it is. One of them is a box van with two big guys and a young woman, one is an SUV with a very vocal woman who might have sworn at me in French with a man who claims he lives here, and another car with a guy who says he’s Secret Service, but is talking in a foreign language to the box van occupants. What should I do?” The officer asked.

  “Those are for me,” I held up my hand. I wasn’t sure about the box van, but if they were talking to someone in a foreign language that had a Secret Service badge, they had to be family. “Secret Service guy is Liam Daniels, my older brother. Guy in SUV with a woman who is swearing is my fiancé, Ezekiel Laroche, the woman is his mother, so it’s probably French. Box van is possibly family.”

  “It says Kazakhov Appliances and Furniture,” the officer said.

  “That would be my new stove,” I thought for a moment. “Since my kitchen wasn’t damaged, I see no
reason not to have it delivered. I just hadn’t expected it today.” Katya had called me just this morning, they must have had one in stock. After these words left my mouth, I shut it and stood there, stunned. My house had bullet holes in it. There was an abandoned car in my driveway. My dogs were hungover. I was getting married. People wanted me dead. My mother had been shooting at people with an extremely large handgun that was probably of Russian origin and illegal. My Irish cousin was in Spain with my German assassin turned good guy and my Russian cousin who also happened to be a mercenary. Yet, I was taking delivery of a new stove with the police still in my drive way. At some point, my life had gone off the rails and the weird stuff no longer bothered me. That in itself should have bothered me.

  “Nadine!” My brother was shouting my name as he came down the drive. Considering he had been working in Washington DC the day before, I was guessing my call had bothered him. Or maybe it was our mother’s call that bothered him.

  “Liam,” I smiled at him. “What are you doing here?”

  “I have a lot of vacation time saved up, it sounded like you might need help.”

  “No, I think everything is under control,” I told him.

  “Really?” Liam frowned and looked around. “It looks under control.” I didn’t appreciate his sarcasm.

  “Hey, Liam,” Diego Vasquez shook hands with my older brother. “How’s it going?”

  “I’d be better if I knew what was going on with my little sister.”

  “The usual,” Diego shrugged. “You know how she is sometimes.”

  “That’s what worries me,” Liam looked at me again. “Marriage?”

  “Ok, are you more worried about the shooting or the wedding?” I asked.

  “You own a security agency, I believe the shooting is covered. No one died.” Liam sneakily gestured towards our mother.

  “Well, if you can convince mom that Zeke and I didn’t elope, that would be helpful,” I told him.

  “You’d be better off having Zeke move.”

  “You are the second person to say that.” I looked at Liam. He wasn’t here because I was getting married. That would be a source of entertainment for him, as long as the guy was worthy. He knew something and I was going to have to wait for the police to leave to figure out what that was.

  “Miss Daniels?” Detective Jones walked over to me. “Have you given a statement?”

  “I gave one to Officer Vasquez,” I answered. My statement had been very short and had consisted mostly of talk about my wedding.

  “Can you think of why someone would want to shoot at you?” Detective Jones looked tired. He had aged significantly while talking to my mother.

  “I own the most successful private security firm in the US. If you’d like, I can have my secretary send you a list of people who would like to kill me. That’s why I have six Great Danes. However, I was kidnapped the day before last by Fred Reed. His wife Amanda disappeared last year, for some reason, he thinks I’m involved.”

  “Are you?”

  “Involved in the disappearance of Amanda Reed?” I looked at him for a second. I could lie and it would be somewhat believable. I could tell the truth and stir up a storm. “Yes.” My brother shook his head.

  “You were involved with the disappearance of Amanda Reed?” Detective Jones asked me again.

  “Yes,” I answered. “She hired my company for protective services. She said it was a stalker. It turned out to be her husband and the mob. We terminated our contract with her and she went missing the following day.”

  “I’m confused. You terminated your services, but made her disappear?” Detective Jones frowned.

  “No, we terminated our contract with her, and she went missing after that. If we had not terminated our contract, she wouldn’t have disappeared.” I answered.

  “Then the correct answer is no, you didn’t make Amanda Reed disappear,” Detective Jones looked a little more tired.

  “I guess that depends on how you look at the situation,” I answered. “Responsibility is responsibility. If I give my keys to a twelve year old and that kid hits someone and kills them, I am still responsible for that death.”

  “Maybe you should have a talk with your mother about the finer points of law. Feeling responsible doesn’t make you guilty of committing a crime,” Detective Jones finished talking and walked away.

  “Wow,” Vasquez said after a moment. “That was masterful.”

  “I told the truth,” I countered.

  “And yet, manipulated him into believing the lie without ever stating the lie,” Vasquez commented. “I really am impressed.” Vasquez knew that Alex and I ran a sort of escape system for people stuck in bad situations. We’d helped dozens of people escape abusive relationships, gangs and a host of situations that resulted in people being a victim of circumstance.

  “Who’s that with Zeke?” Liam asked.

  “His mother,” I took a deep breath. “This is probably not going to impress my future mother-in-law.”

  Tahiti Meets Russia

  Most people meet their future mother-in-law at a dinner or luncheon. Not me, I was getting to meet mine with police in my driveway. There were also two burly Russian men arguing in Russian on my lawn about the best way to move a stove from the road, where it sat in a truck, to my kitchen. A pretty blonde Russian woman was playing mediator, however, I was fairly certain Katya was more interested in the tall man that was walking down my drive with his mother.

  Zeke wasn’t running, but his movements were awkward, giving the impression that he might have considered it. His mother was moving at a fast clip beside him. As they got closer, I found Zeke had inherited his ice blue eyes from his mother.

  Telisa Laroche was a beautiful woman. She was tall with skin the color of coffee with just a hint of creamer. Her hair was pulled up in a large scrunchy or some sort of fancy hair piece that created a wild mass of spiral curls. There wasn’t a hint of grey in it. Zeke kept his head shaved or stubbled, and I wondered if he had her curls as well. He was a little lighter skinned than her, but the resemblance was definitely there.

  As my mother took a step closer to me, Liam took a step away. Sebastian and Alex were behind us. My stomach knotted again. I wasn’t entirely sure why I wanted this woman to like me, but I did and I was positive I wasn’t making a good first impression.

  “Are you okay?” Zeke asked as he came up to me.

  “Yeah, we’re all fine. The dogs took care of them,” I stammered in a barely audible hiss of a voice. I cleared my throat. “We’re good.” This time it was louder and sounded more assured.

  “Nadine, this is my mother, Telisa.” Zeke pointed to his mother. “Mom, this is Nadine.”

  “I have heard such good things about you,” Telisa hugged me. Her voice carried a thick accent that made it sound lyrical. “Even when he was married to that other woman, my son spoke highly of you. Are you sure you’re alright, dear?”

  “Yes, we’re fine,” I repeated. “Let me introduce some of my family. I apologize for overwhelming you after stepping off a plane, but they were here for security purposes. This is my mother, Melina, my brother, Liam, my cousin, Alexandra, one of my employees, Sebastian, and I have another brother on the way, Ivan.”

  “Sebastian,” Telisa walked over and hugged him. “We have met before.” Telisa then walked over to Melina. The two women looked at each other for a moment, not saying a word. I was waiting for them to break out nunchakus and start brawling. Instead, they shook hands, clasping each other’s hands in a warm gesture. It was strange to watch. My mother wasn’t the friendliest person. Zeke looked a little confused and a little concerned as well.

  “I think they are done with us, so we should go inside,” I pointed to the door with bullet holes in it. “I’ll call a handyman I know to come sort this all out.” My security firm kept two handymen on staff for situations just like this.

&
nbsp; “Nadine, where do we put this?” Katya pointed to her brothers, they were carrying my new stove.

  “Oh, uh, follow me,” I led Katya, Dmitri and Petyr into the house. Everyone else followed behind them. Dmitri and Petyr disconnected everything on the old stove and connected everything on the new stove while we stood awkwardly around and watched.

  “I’m Katya,” Katya introduced herself to Zeke and Telisa. “Nadine and Alex are our cousins.” She pointed to her brothers as she said this last part. Zeke and Telisa both shook Katya’s extended hand. “We have a big family. It is wonderful.” I rolled my eyes at that statement. Wonderful was not an adjective I would have used to describe our family.

  “Wedding gift installed!” Dmitri announced with a flourish of his arms and a raising of his voice. He came over and hugged me, pulling me off my feet. Then he walked over and hugged Zeke, doing the same thing. Petyr followed his brother’s example, and I found myself once again being hugged. That was the third time today. I wondered if it was one of the signs of the apocalypse.

  Dmitri, Petyr and Katya left, although Katya kept trying to find excuses to stay. I got the impression she was kind of enamored by my unlikely fiancé. After they left, the awkwardness drained a little and we all moved into the living room. Melina and Telisa arranged it so Zeke and I had to sit next to each other. Zeke was right, they were a lot alike.

  “Now, tell me children, what have you gotten yourselves into?” Telisa asked.

  “Um,” I frowned, not sure if she meant the shooting or the wedding. I was finding those two things seemed to overlap each other.

  “One of Nadine and Alex’s special jobs,” Zeke said. “It’s coming back to haunt them. We have a few people looking for the person in question, but we haven’t had much luck. We’ve tracked them to Spain, which is where Anthony is.”

  “Has everyone at the office but me met your mother?” I whispered.

  “Yes,” Telisa answered for Zeke. “But not for lack of trying. I have been trying to meet you for a while. First it was just because Zeke loved his job, but then I realized he was falling in love with you, because he talked about you all the time. Now, I’m glad you two are finally together and I get to meet you. I feel like I already know you!”

  “Oh,” I smiled at her, unsure what else to say. Could it be possible that Zeke had been in love with me? I’d have to ask.

  “Now that I’m here, I’m going to stay until the wedding, I wanted to take a vacation from the island anyway,” Telisa said.

  “Where are you staying?” Melina asked.

  “Zeke said I could stay here, but I know young couples, and I don’t want to be in their way. I was looking at long stay hotels.” Telisa answered.

  “Don’t be silly,” my mother tutted her. I wondered if Telisa would kill her. She didn’t. She didn’t even seem to mind. “You will stay with me. We will have so much to do anyway and we need to get better acquainted. Although, after talking to you yesterday, I feel like I’ve known you all my life.”

  “Me too!” Telisa smiled wide, her eyes sparkled.

  “How long did you two talk on the phone yesterday?” I asked.

  “Four hours or so,” Melina answered. I had nothing to say to that, at least, nothing that wouldn’t get me in trouble, so I kept my mouth shut.

  “I’m going to go check in with Anthony,” Sebastian announced loudly.

  “I’ll go with you,” Alex stood up and followed him upstairs.

  Liam didn’t move. He stared at our mother. He opened his mouth and I gently prodded him. Now was not the time. He glared at me.

  “Mom, they didn’t elope,” Liam announced. “They aren’t engaged. Nadine is just renting Zeke a room.”

  “What did you say about cantaloupe? It’s winter, it’s hard to get good cantaloupe this time of the year. They are always a little bitter.” Melina didn’t even look at Liam. She was busy talking to Telisa.

  “No, mom, not married,” Liam said.

  “What?” My mother turned to look at him, fire sparked in her eyes. “What do you mean you aren’t married? You were married when I talked to you yesterday. Did you leave her or did she leave you? What did she do? Where are the children?”

  “Not me, them,” Liam pointed at Zeke and I.

  “Yes, Liam, that’s why we’re having a ceremony,” my mother brushed him off at that comment, returning to her conversation with Telisa. It was currently centered on wedding cakes. Liam looked confused now. He hung his head and shook it.

  “Yep, selectively deaf,” I whispered to my brother.

  “I tried. At least Zeke’s a good guy, he was genuinely concerned about you when he showed up and found you’d been shot at.” Liam gave me a sad, sympathetic look. Liam, like Ivan, had been railroaded by our mother into marriage. It had started as a social event and ended up being a secret setup. After six months, our mother was insisting they marry. Then we all woke up one morning with invitations to the wedding. Unlike Ivan, Liam was not happily married. His wife was a harpy. My mother hated the woman now.

  Both women suddenly started talking in French. I didn’t know my mother knew French. She pulled her gun out of her purse and showed it to Telisa. Telisa was appropriately impressed. Our mothers were bonding over forced weddings and handguns. Everything was just peachy.

  Amanda Reed

  The handyman showed up to temporarily fix the house. He’d come back during normal business hours and do a better job of it. Telisa and Melina were cooking in my kitchen, chatting like old friends. Liam motioned for us to move upstairs.

  Sebastian and Alex were sitting on the floor in the spare room playing cards. They looked up at us with guilty looks when we walked in. Alex put her cards down.

  “So?” She asked.

  “Oh, it’s just dandy, they love each other,” I sighed and flopped onto the bed.

  “I told you she was just like your mother, you didn’t believe me, but she is,” Zeke answered.

  “Oh, yeah, I’m understanding it now.” I snarked at him.

  “Hey, I warned you, and I didn’t invite her here, your mother did that.”

  “Ah, your first couple’s fight, how cute,” Sebastian cooed.

  “I’ll kill you,” I told him.

  “I believe that.” Sebastian put his own cards down. “Anthony hasn’t arrived in Spain yet.”

  “So, you’ve just been hiding up here, playing cards?” Zeke asked.

  “Yes,” Alex answered. “Telisa is like Melina. How many of your siblings are married?”

  “All of them,” Zeke answered. “And before you ask, my mom had a hand in all of them. She’s part witch doctor, part crazy person, part mother.”

  “What are we going to do if they don’t find Amanda Reed soon?” I decided I couldn’t talk about our mothers any longer. It was creeping me out.

  “You’re going to owe one of your brothers, big time,” Liam answered. “That’s why I’m here. Devlin has a lead for them to follow. A woman named Lydia Barnes arrived in Spain about two months ago, but she didn’t exist until her passport was checked in Spain. She matches the description of your girl, but there’s a huge problem.”

  “Sounds about right,” I commented.

  “Devlin’s agency is tracking her because they think she’s involved in organized crime outside the country. They think she has been for a while, far longer than she’s been missing. Amanda Reed has a college friend that got married and moved to Spain. They know the college friend’s husband is involved in some shady stuff. The theory is that Amanda got involved and then Fred got involved.” Liam told me.

  “None of this showed up when we ran her,” Alex said.

  “It’s all been confidential. Devlin says that his bosses are of the opinion that her criminal connections got her the new identity. If they find out otherwise, you two are going to be in a lot of trouble.”

  “Good grief,?
?? Alex sighed. “This is a disaster.”

  “There’s a plan,” Liam said. “Vladik, Anthony and Vasilii are working on it now. I’m here to make sure you stay alive until then.”

  “That can’t be good,” I looked at Liam. “If Vasilii is involved, someone’s dying.”

  “That is not in the plan,” Liam answered.

  “Are you going to tell us the plan?” I asked.

  “No,” Liam answered. “Vlad is going to tell Zeke though.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because I’m secret service and, therefore, I can’t know it. I can only know a small portion of it, the portion that isn’t illegal. Which means I know that Vlad, Anthony, and Vasilii are meeting in Spain and then Vlad is coming here while Anthony and Vasilii go to Russia. Vlad came up with it. He has more wiggle room than the rest of us in the law and order department. He’s going to fill in those that need to know. It’s all about plausible deniability. If everything goes well, Amanda Reed comes back to the US to stand trial under RICO statutes, as does her college friend and Fred. The mob loses a connection in Spain.”

  “That’s great, except I’m pretty sure that was the mob today,” I pointed to the outside.

  “I know,” Liam pursed his lips.

  “Well if we aren’t blaming the Italian mob for Amanda Reed’s disappearance,” I stopped talking. Before I or my brothers were born, my mother was a double agent. She worked for the KGB and the CIA. It was how and why she had moved to the US and married our Irish father. Several members of our family moved to the US that way. Our Russian relatives were all involved in law enforcement agencies in Russia. This should have been a problem, but it wasn’t, because of our maternal grandmother. She was a prominent, important Russian who died in Russia after receiving just about every medal the USSR had to offer women.

  In the 1980’s, as the power of the Soviet Union declined, the KGB declined with it and some agents began working both sides of the law. One of them was a man named Oleg Borisovich Utkin and he had become a very rich man as a result. He was currently a leading figure in the Russian black market.

  None of this would matter, except that our mother, while young, had dated Oleg Borisovich Utkin. She had even used her feminine charms to get information out of him that she gave to the CIA. Then she had ditched him and come to the US and lived happily ever after, sort of.

  He held a grudge. He was the one who had hired Anthony to kill me twenty years earlier. When Anthony failed to uphold the contract, he had hired others to come after me. Anthony had put together a ragtag group of mercenaries to protect me. Sometime during the conflict, Anthony and two others had flown to Russia. I didn’t know what had happened, but the attempts on my life had stopped.

  It was this ragtag group of mercenaries that had been the first employees of Daniels’ Security. Everyone but Anthony had retired. However, they had built my reputation up and gave me a thriving business.

  Alex made a small utterance that might have been a stifled cry. Her face was pale. Her hand over her mouth. I wasn’t the only one that had been noticed by Oleg Borisovich over the years.

  I grabbed my phone and dialed Devlin. He ignored my call. I called Anthony. He ignored my call. I called Vasilii. He also ignored my call. Finally, I called Kenzie.

  “Get the hell out of Spain,” I told her.

  “I leave in a couple of hours,” Kenzie told me. “And I have eyes on Amanda Reed right now. The Spanish authorities are about to pick her up.”

  “Good,” I stayed on the phone for a moment, thinking of what I wanted to ask or say.

  “Nadine,” Kenzie interrupted my thoughts. “You need to keep your head down for a few days.”

  “On it,” I answered and hung up. We were going to have to beef up security if Oleg Borisovich somehow figured into our plan. Or if Amanda Reed was picked up and willing to flip on Italian mobsters, the Italians might blame me for it. Of course, I was willing to deal with the Italians; Oleg Borisovich was far worse and if my family was involving him in this mess, he was definitely going to blame me.

  “Dinner!” My mother yelled up the stairs. I looked at Zeke. Zeke looked at me. No one was going to be able to leave my house for a few days. This included my mother and his mother. It also included Sebastian and Alex. I wondered about Ivan, Devlin, Vladik, and Liam. My brothers were all big, bad Russian/Irish men. However, they all fit the stereotype of what a Russian looked like. They were tall with dark features, broad shoulders, developed muscles and an air of menace about them. At night, I had seen