My Man Sandy

  II.

  SANDY STARTS TO STUDY GEOMETRY.

  "Man, Bawbie, I think I'll see an' get into the Toon Cooncil some o'thae days," says Sandy to me the ither forenicht. "Me an' some o' therest o' the chaps have been haein' a bit o' an argeyment i' thewashin'-house this nicht or twa back, an' I tell you, I can gabble awa'aboot public questions as weel's some o' them i' the Cooncil. I ga'ethem a bit screed on the watter question on Setarday nicht that garredthem a' gape; an' Dauvit Kenawee said there an' then that I shud seean' get a haud o' the Ward Committee an' get a chance o' pettin' myviews afore them. They a' said I was a born spowter, an' that wi' alittle practice I cud speechify the half o' the Cooncil oot at thedoor."

  I hit Sandy blether awa' for a whilie, an' syne I strikes in, "Ay,juist that, Sandy; but you'll mibby g'wa' an' get that tume saft soapbarrel scraipit oot, an' the wechts gi'en a black lead; an' we'll hearaboot the Toon Cooncil efter your wark's dune."

  "Oh, but I'll manish that, Bawbie," says he, gey snappish-like; "butstill a man wi' brains in's heid canna juist be setisfeed wi' saft soapan' black lead a'thegither."

  "Ow weel," says I, "you wud mibby fa' in wi' a fell lot o' baith o'them, even i' the Toon Cooncil. When you're wantin' a favour, a littlesaft soap--altho' it's only scraipins--is sometimes a very handy thingto hae; an' if you dinna get what you want, you can pet on the blacklead syne. There's a fell lot o' that kind o' thing gaen on, an' naemistak'. There's Beylie Thingymabob, for instance--but, of coorse,that's no' the point----"

  "What I was sayin'," brock in Sandy, "was that when a man's heid's fu'o' brains, an' them wirkin' juist like barm, he maun hae someoccupation for his intelleck, or his facilties 'ill gie wey. There'sBandy Wobster, for instance, tak's up his heid wi' gomitry an'triangles an' siclike, juist 'cause he has some brains in his heid, an'maun occupy them; an' what for no' me as weel?"

  "Gomitry an' triangles!" says I. "Ye'll mibby be for into the fluteband next, are ye? Weel, I'll tell you this--I ken naething aboot thegomitry, or what like a thing it is; but if you bring ony o' yourtriangles here, wi' there ping ping-pinkey-pingin', I'll pet them doonthe syre; that's what I'll do. I like music o' near ony kind. I canpet up wi' the melodian or the concertina; but yon triangle thing Iwudna hae i' the hoose. You can tell Bandy Wobster he can keep histriangles for his parrots swingin' on. We want neen o' them here."

  "Tut, Bawbie, 'oman," says Sandy, "you're juist haiverin' strauchtforrit. It's no' flute band triangles I mean ava. It's the anes yousee in books--a' shapes an' sizes, ye know. Bandy learned a' abootthem when he was at the sea. Sailors learn aboot them for measurin'hoo far onywey is frae ony ither wey, d'ye know, d'ye see? Bandy tellsme that gomitry--that's what they ca' the book fu' o' triangles--is agrand thing for learnin' you to speak; an' he offered to gi'e me alesson or twa."

  "That'll be whaur Bandy gets a' his gab," says I. "I think, Sandy," Isays, says I, "that you've mair need to learn something to garr youhaud your tongue. You've nae need for learnin' to speak, weel-a-wat,excep' it be to speak sense; an' I dinna suppose gomitry 'ill do youony guid that wey. It's made but a puir job o' Bandy Wobster, atonyrate."

  "That's a' you ken, Bawbie," says Sandy. "There's mair in Bandy thanthe spune pets in; mind I'm tellin' you. He was tellin's aboot some o'the exyems in gomitry lest nicht, an', I'll swag, he garred CockyBaxter, the auld dominie, chowl his chafts."

  "Exyems!" says I. "Is that the same as exy-oey we used to play at onoor sklates at the skule?"

  "No, no, no, no, no," says Sandy. "What are you haiverin' aboot,Bawbie? It's a different kind o' thing a'thegither. The first exyemis that onything that's equal to the same thing as ony ither thing, isequal to the thing that's equal to the thing to which the ither thing'sequal, d'ye know, d'ye see?"

  "By faigs, Sandy," says I, "that's waur than exy-oey yet. What was'tyou said?"

  "It's as plain as twice-twa's fower, Bawbie, if you juist watch," saysSandy. "If ae thing is equal till anither thing, an' the ither thing'sequal to some ither thing that's equal to the thing that the firstthing's equal till, then you can easy see that the ae thing 'ill beequal to the ither, as weel as to the ither thing that they're baithequal till."

  I thocht Sandy was raley gettin' akinda lichtwecht, d'ye ken, for I cudnether mak' heid nor tail o' his confused blethers.

  "Keep me, Bawbie, do you no' see through't?" he says, glowerin' at mewi' a queer-like look in his e'e. "Gie's three bawbees! Look now;there's thae three bawbees. Weel than, here's twa here, an' there'sane there. Noo, this ane here is equal to that ane there, an' thisither ane here is equal to that ane there too; so that, when they'rebaith equal to that ane, the teen maun be equal to the tither. A blindbat cud see that wi' its een shut."

  Sandy set himsel' up like's he'd pey'd a big account or something, an',gien his heid a gey impident cock to the tae side, he says, "D'ye no'see't?"

  "See't?" says I, I says. "What wud bender's frae seein't? An' isthat what gomitry learns you?" says I.

  "It is that," says Sandy. "That's the first exyem."

  "Weel," says I, "it tak's a michty lang road to tell you what onythree-'ear-auld bairn in the G-O goes cud tell you in a jiffy."

  "Ah, but it's the mental dreel that's the vailable thing," says Sandy."It learns you to argey, d'ye no' see? If I had a glisk at gomitry fora nicht or twa, an' got a puckle triangles an' parilelly grams into myheid, I'll be fit to gie a scrieve on the watter question, or thescaffies' wadges, that'll garr some o' oor Toon Cooncillers crook theirmoos. Wait till you see!"

  "Ay, Sandy," says I, "you'll go an' get the swine suppered an' yourither jobs dune, an', gin ten o'clock were here, you'll get a coo'sdrink, wi' plenty o' pepper in't, an' get to your bed. Thaewashin'-hoose argeymints are affectin' your nervous system, I'mdootin'. Rin, noo, an' see an' stick in."

  I raley thocht, mind you, the wey the cratur was haiverin', that hewantit tippence i' the shillin'.

  "I wad juist like you to hear ane o' oor debates, an' you'd cheengeyour opinion," says Sandy. "Bandy promised to tell's something themorn's nicht aboot the postylate in gomitry. I juist wiss you heardhim."

  "What wud there be to hear aboot that?" says I. "Oor ane's juist thevery same; he's near-hand aye late."

  "Wha?" says Sandy, wi' a winderin' look in his e'e.

  "Oor postie!" says I; "he's aye late. You'll of'en hear his whistle i'the street when it's efter ten o'clock at nicht."

  Sandy gaed shauchlin' oot at the door, chuck-chuck-chuckin' awa' tillhimsel' like a clockin' hen, an' I didna see hint nor hair o' him formair than twa 'oors efter. But what cud ye expeck? That's juist ayethe wey o' thae men when they get the warst o't.