Friar Tuck

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  HORACE WALPOLE BRADFORD

  The Diamond Dot, while it was about the idealest ranch in the Westfrom most standpoints, was run a little loose. Jabez didn't have anyluxurious tastes, and he wasn't miserly; so he didn't strain thingsdown to the last penny--not by a whole lot. All he asked was to havehis own way and be comfortable; and so he allus kept more punchers 'nhe had actual need of, and unless they got jubilant over imposin' onhim, he just shut his eyes and grinned about it.

  Takin' his location and outfit into account, and he just simplycouldn't help but make money; so we all had a fairly easy time of itand grew tender feelin's, the same as spoiled children; which is whywe sometimes quit, for we never had any other excuse for it.

  Barbie was a notice-takin' child, if ever the' was one; and she stoodout for company as a general and standin' order. Company didn't affectol' Cast Steel one way or the other; they were just the same to him asa couple o' hundred head o' ponies, more or less; and so the news gotout that we allus had a lot of extra beds made up and any one waswelcome to stretch out in 'em who wanted to. The result o' this was,'at we drew visitors as easy as molasses draws flies. I lived at thehome house on account o' bein' Barbie's pal, and so I got into thehabit o' bein' a sort of permanent reception committee. Some o' thesevisitors was a plague to me; but Jabez didn't like to run any risk ofhavin' 'em ruined beyond repair, so it was generally understood that Ihad to use ex-treme caution when I started in to file the clutch offtheir welcome.

  This spring 'at I have in mind, we had as visitor one o' theeasternest dudes I was ever tangled up with. He came out for hishealth, which is the excuse most of 'em gives; but this one took moreways of avoidin' health 'n airy other of 'em I ever saw. He smokedcigars all day long, big black ones, strong enough to run a sawmill,he ate fattenin' food from mornin' till night, and when he drove outin the buckboard to take his exercise, he suffered from what he calledfatigue. He used to sit up as wide awake as an owl till along aboutten every night; and half the time he didn't crawl out until nearseven in the mornin'. He certainly was a pest!

  What he complained of most, was his nerves; and he'd sit for hours,talkin' about 'em to anything 'at had ears. He said the worst of itwas, he couldn't sleep nights. I had, of course, heard o' nervesbefore ever I saw him; but I had never heard of 'em turnin' to anddevilin' a man, the way his did; so at first I was honestlyinterested, and asked him all I could think up about 'em; but after aday or so, I'd 'a' been perfectly willin' to put up the coin out o' myown pocket to have him go to a dentist and have every last one of hisnerves pulled.

  I don't begrudge sympathy to any afflicted individual; but the more Isympathized with this feller, the more affectionate toward me he got;and he used to trot about after me, warbilin' out dirges about hisnerves until I was tempted to tie a stone around his neck and lose himdown the cistern.

  He ran to language, too, this one did. His conversation was so full ofit that a feller could scarcely understand what he was tryin' to say.He was ferociously interested in the ancient Greeks; and if a mansucceeded in wedgin' him away from his nerves, he began immediate todiscourse about these ancient Greeks. Now, I didn't have a singlething again' any o' these ancient Greeks before this Dude struck us,none of 'em ever havin' crossed my trail before; but they sure didhave a rotten outfit o' names, and they were the most infernal liars'at ever existed. Three-headed dogs, and women with snakes for hair,were as common in their tales as thieves among the Sioux. Barbiedidn't have any use for this Eastener either; so I decided to fit himout with a deep-rooted desire for home influences.

  I took ol' Tank Williams into my confidence, he bein' the mostgruesome lookin' creature we had in our parts. He was a big man ofcurious construction and he had one eye which ran wild. Tank neverknew what this free eye was up to; and while he would be examinin' theground, the free eye would be gazin' up at a tree as intent as thoughhe had set it to watch for a crow. Durin' his younger days, Tank hadformed the habit of indulgin' in gang fights as much as possible, andall of his features had been stampeded out o' their natural orbits;but this free eye beat anything I ever see.

  They had him down on his back one time, and he was gnawin' awaycontentedly at some feller's thumb, when the feller reached up histrigger finger and scooped out Tank's eye. The shape and color weren'thurt a bit; but some o' the workin' parts got disconnected, so that hecouldn't see with it; but it appeared to be full as good an eye as theone he looked with.

  All the sleep Tank ever wanted was six hours out o' the twenty-four,and he didn't care how he got 'em--ten minutes at a time, or all inone lump. He could sleep sittin' up straight, or ridin', or stretchedout in bed, or most any way. I think he could sleep while walkin,'though I was never able to surprise him at it. He agreed to back meup, and Spider Kelley also said he was willin' to do everything in hispower to furnish our guest some pleasant recollections after he'd goneback to a groove which fitted him better.

  As soon as I began to plan my trip, I started to rehearse curioussecrets about Tank to the Eastener, whose name was Horace WalpoleBradford. I told Horace that Tank had a case o' nerves which made his'n seem like a bundle of old shoe-laces; and that if something wasn'tdone for him soon, I feared he was goin' to develop insanity. I saidthat even now, it wasn't safe to contrary him none, and that I'd be aheap easier in my own mind if Tank was coralled up in a cellsomewhere, with irons on.

  I didn't tell Tank what sort of a disposition I was supplyin' him withfor fear he'd overdo it. Tank didn't know a nerve from an ingrowin'hair; but when he and Horace paired off to tell each other theirsymptoms, I'll have to own up that his tales of anguish an' sufferin'made Horace's troubles sound like dance music.

  I told Horace that a trip through the mountains would soothe andinvigorate him, until he'd be able to sleep, hangin' by his toes likea bat; but the trouble was to find something which interested himenough to lure him on the trip. There was a patent medicine almanac atthe place, and I studied up its learnin' until I had it at my tongue'send, and I also used a lot o' Friar Tuck's health theories; so that Igot Horace interested enough to talk my eardrums callous; but notenough to take the trip.

  I didn't know much about nerves; but I was as familiar with sleep asthough I had graduated from eleven medical colleges, and I knew if hewould just follow my directions, it would give him such an appetitefor slumber that he'd drop into it without rememberin' to close hiseyelids. Ol' Jabez happened to mention an Injun buryin' ground withthe members reposin' on top o' pole scaffolds, and this proved to bethe bait. Horace wanted to see this, and it was a four days' drive bybuckboard; so I heaved a sigh o' relief and prepared to do my duty.

  When all was ready, we packed our stuff in the good buckboard, puttingin an extra saddle for the accident we felt sure was goin' to happen.Spider started as driver, while I rode behind, leadin' a horse withTank's saddle on, though Horace thought it was Spider's. We had toldhim that it made our backs ache to ride in a buckboard all day, so wewould change off once in a while. Horace wanted to do the drivin'himself; but we pointed out that he wasn't used to our kind o' roads,and consequently favored the little hills too much. He was inhumanlyinnocent, and it was almost like feedin' a baby chalk and water.

  We trotted along gentle, until the rear spring came loose goin' down alittle dip to a dry crick bed, about ten miles out. We talked it overand decided 'at the best plan would be for Spider to drive back andget the old buckboard; so after unloadin' our stuff, I took the tapout o' my pocket, fixed the spring, tied a rope about it to deceiveHorace, and Spider drove back for the old buckboard which had beendiscarded years before, but which we had fixed up for this trip andpainted until it looked almost safe to use.

  Before long we saw the buckboard comin' back; but much to oursurprise, Tank Williams was drivin' it, an' givin' what he thought wasthe imitation of a nervous man. He would stand up an' yell, crack hismule-skinner, and send the ponies along on a dead run. He came up tous, and said that he had had an attack o' nerves, hadn't slept a winkthe n
ight before; and when Spider Kelley had refused to let him go inhis place, he had torn him from the seat an' had trampled him.

  "I trampled him," sez Tank solemnly, his free eye lookin' straightinto the sun. "I hope I didn't destroy him; but in my frenzy Itrampled him."

  Horace looked worried. "Tank," sez I soothin'ly, "we don't really needany one else along. You just help us to load, an' then go back, like agood feller."

  Tank stood up on the seat, an' held the whip ready. "My life dependson me takin' this trip!" he yelled. "My life depends on it; it dependson it, I tell you. My life depends on me takin' this trip!"

  He went on repeatin' about his life dependin' on his takin' that trip,until I made a sign to Horace, and said 'at we'd better let him goalong. Horace wasn't ambitious to be trampled; so he concluded toconcur, an' climbed into the seat beside Tank. Any one else would 'a'noticed that it was Tank's saddle on the hoss I was leadin'; butHorace never noticed anything which wasn't directly connected with hisown body. He didn't even have any idee that the sun had set habits inthe matter o' risin' an' settin'--which was another fact I had tookinto account.

  We were drivin' four broncs to the buckboard, an' they was new to thegame and in high spirits. Tank was also in high spirits, an' we wentat a clip which was inspirin', even to sound nerves. We did our levelbest to give Horace somethin' real to worry about, an' from the verystart his nerves was so busy handin' in idees an' sensations that hismind was took up with these instead of with the nerves themselves aswas usual.

  Well, we sure had a delightful ride that afternoon: every time 'atHorace would beseech Tank to be more careful in swingin' arounddown-hill curves, Tank would seize him by the arm with his fullsqueezin' grip, an' moan: "It's my nerves, my pore nerves. This is oneo' the times when I'm restive, I got to have action; my very lifedepends on it! Whoop, hit 'em up--Whee!" an' he'd crack hismule-skinner about the ears o' the ponies, an' we'd have anotherrunaway for a spell.

  Horace hadn't the mite of an idee in which direction he was travelin';all he did was to hang on and hope. The confounded buckboard wastougher 'n we had figured on, and it didn't bust until near dark. Asthey went up the slope, I could see the left hind wheel weavin' purtyrapid, an' as they tore down the grade to Cottonwood Crick, thingsbegan to creak an' rattle most threatenin'. We had decided to camp onthe crick, an' Tank swung up his team with a flourish. The hind wheelcouldn't stand the strain, an' when it crumbled, Horace, an' the resto' the baggage, whip-crackered off like a pinwheel. Of course when onewheel went, the others dished in company, an' the whole thing was awreck.

  The ponies were comfortable weary, an' after I had roped one an' therest had fallen over him, we soothed 'em down without much trouble,an' started to make camp. Horace was all in, an' was minded to sit onhis shoulder blades an' rest; but this wasn't part o' the plan, an' wemade him hustle like a new camp-boy. As soon as supper was over, helit a cigar, an' prepared to take a rest. We had decided that thosebig, black cigars wasn't best for his nerves, so we had smuggled outthe box, an' had worked a little sulphur into all but the top row. Helit his cigar and gave us one apiece, but he was so sleepy he couldn'tkeep his on fire; and it was comical to watch him.

  Every time he'd nod off, Tank would utter an exclamation, an' walk upan' down, rubbin' his hands an' cussin' about his nerves. Horace wasdead tired from bein' jounced about on the buckboard all day; but hewas worried about Tank, an' this would wake him effectual.

  About ten o'clock I sez: "Tank, what happened that night when you gotnervous up in the Spider Water country?"

  "Oh, don't ask me, don't ask me," sez Tank, gittin' up an' walkin' offinto the darkness.

  "I wish to glory he hadn't come along," I sez to Horace. "I fear we'regoin' to have trouble; but chances are that a good night's rest'llquiet him, all right."

  Purty soon Tank came back, lit his pipe, an' sat facin' Horace withhis lookin' eye, an' everything else in the landscape with his freeone. "You know how it is with nerves," he sez to Horace. "You perhaps,of all them I have ever met up with, know how strained and twistednerves fill a man's heart with murder, set his teeth on edge and putthe taste of blood in his throat; so I'm goin' to tell the whole o'that horrid experience, which I have never yet confided to a livin'soul before. Have you got a match?"

  Tank's pipe allus went out at the most interestin' times; and hecouldn't no wise talk without smokin'. We all knew this; so wheneverTank got headed away on a tale, we heaved questions at him, just tosee how many matches we could make him burn. He'd light a match andhold it to his pipe; but he allus lit off an idee with the match, andwhen he'd speak out the idee, he'd blow out the match. Or else he'd beso took up by his own talkin', he'd hold the match until it burnt hisfingers; then, without shuttin' off his discourse, he'd moisten thefingers on his other hand, take the burnt end of the match careful,and hold it until it was plumb burnt up, without ever puttin' it tohis pipe. I didn't want to waste matches on this trip so I told Horaceto hand Tank his cigar. Horace had already wasted two cigars, besidesthe ones he had given us; and I wanted him to get to the sulphur onesas soon as convenient.

  Tank's mind was preoccupied with the tale we had made up; so he tookHorace's fresh cigar, lit his pipe by it, threw the cigar into thefire, and said moodily: "He was unobligin'. Yes, that cross-grainedold miner was unobligin'. Of course, I wouldn't have done it if Ihadn't been nervous; but I say now, as I've allus thought, that hebrought it on himself by bein' unobligin'."

  Tank's gloomy tones had wakened Horace up complete; and as he startedto light another cigar, I got ready for bed. "You two have already gotnerves," I sez to 'em; "but I don't want to catch 'em, so I'll sleepalone, and you can bunk together." I unrolled my tarp close to thefire and crawled into it, intendin' to take my rest while I listenedto Tank unfold his story.

  It was a clean, fresh night, just right for sleepin'; and it almostseemed a shame to put that innocent little Eastener through histreatment; but it was for his own good so I stretched out with a sigho' content, and looked at the other two by the fire.

  Horace was short and fat around the middle with stringy arms and legs.He wore some stuff he called side-burns on his face. They started upby his ears, curved along his jaws and were fastened to the ends ofhis stubby mustache. He kept 'em cropped short and, truth to tell,they were an evil-lookin' disfigurement, though he didn't seem to feela mite o' shame at wearin' 'em. His face was full o' trouble, and yethe was so sleepy he had to hitch his eyebrows clear up to his hair tokeep his eyes open. Tank's face never did have what could rightly becalled expressions. His features used to fall into different kinds o'convulsions; but they were so mussed up it was impossible to read 'em.I looked at these two a minute, and then I had to pull my head underthe tarp to keep from laughin'.