What Kills Me

  “I can’t believe you just did that,” I said as we walked away. I glanced back at the man, who was shouting and stomping around the street, searching for his device. “Why did you do that?”

  “So I didn’t have to listen to you talk about it anymore. Where’s the church? You said it was in this area.”

  I recognized the storefront with the stained-glass windows. The table where Paolo had bought my necklace was folded up and propped against a wall.

  “This way,” I said, leading him to the gate guarding the church. “This is it.”

  I peered through the bars. There was no movement inside. Lucas took two steps back and hurtled over the fence. “Show-off,” I muttered. I scaled the fence and landed in the courtyard. I led him to the side door. This time it was locked. As I was trying the knob, I was acutely aware of how close Lucas was standing behind me. Reaching over my shoulder, he leaned into me and placed his hand against the door, forcing it open with a crack.

  “I thought we were trying to be quiet,” I whispered.

  Inside, the church was dark. I stopped at the collection box. This is where I thought Paolo was going to kiss me. The movie in my mind replayed the scene. On a close-up of his angelic face, the reel switched to him screaming and scorched.

  He can’t hurt you anymore. Besides, on a list of scariest vampires encountered, Paolo no longer ranks very high.

  Suddenly a blue-robed figure appeared out of the shadows and leaped onto Lucas’s back. I saw the glint of a blade slip under Lucas’s neck and my body stiffened. I tried to scream but there was no sound.

  Chapter 19

  Lucas bent over and flipped his attacker onto the ground. The assailant tumbled onto the floor, the blue robe sliding up to reveal tiny, tangled limbs.

  “Lettie!” I exclaimed.

  Lying on her back, she looked at my upside-down face and gasped. “Zee?”

  When she stood up, I wrapped her in a bear hug. I hadn’t noticed that she had gone rigid in my embrace.

  “I’m so glad to see you,” I said into her tufts of hair. She softened and hugged me back. We peeled ourselves away from each other.

  “Everyone’s looking for you,” she said, pointing a small knife at me. “How did you escape?”

  “Lettie, what were you going to do with that?”

  “Sorry,” she said, putting her hands behind her back. “It was the only thing I could find. I heard you come in and I didn’t recognize you. Why are you dressed like a boy?”

  “Lettie, this is Lucas.”

  “Hi, I’m Lettie. Sorry about earlier.”

  “Where is the cleric?” Lucas said.

  “Nice to meet you too,” she said.

  “Where’s Uther?” I asked.

  “He’s gone.”

  “Where?” I said.

  “Romania. He left a few hours ago. He wanted to consult the Sacriva about your coming.”

  “The what?”

  “The Sacriva. The vampire scriptures,” Lucas said.

  “The original sacred writings are hidden in Romania. Uther has never seen them, but his sire taught him to interpret the ancient language. He said that he wanted to read the Eschatos passages in particular, to read what they say about you.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Yes, what are you talking about?” Lucas echoed.

  “After you escaped, there was a meeting of the clerics. Uther told me…” Lettie said, then paused. “They say that the Sacriva foretold your arrival.”

  “I don’t understand,” I said.

  “The Ancients predicted this day would come,” she said.

  “The Ancients? Lettie, what are you talking about?” I turned to Lucas. “What is she talking about?” He shook his head.

  Lettie tugged our sleeves and sat us down on the pews. She dropped her little high-pitched voice an octave.

  “There’s a legend about you.”

  “There is?”

  “Listen,” Lucas said, frowning, “you’d better start making some sense.”

  Lettie licked her lips and leaned forward.

  “In the beginning, there were seven Ancients. They were considered to be the first vampires. It is said that vampires and humans worshiped the Ancients as gods, for they had infinite strength and terrifying powers. They walked under the sun. They knew what was in your mind. They could predict the future. Their prophecies became the Sacriva.

  “One day, two of the Ancients fought and one was killed. It is said that all of the vampires who had been created by that Ancient instantly fell dead to the ground. The entire bloodline died with that one Ancient. After that all vampires feared for their own lives, and the ruling Monarchy decided that the empire needed to be protected. So in an effort to capture the remaining Ancients alive, the Monarchy waged a war against them that is said to have lasted a hundred years. Legions of vampires were slaughtered before the Ancients were finally contained. The Monarchy weakened them by draining their blood and then sealed them in gold casts, imprisoning them forever. Then the Monarchy dug a well so deep that it could never be touched by the sun and filled it with the blood of the Ancients.”

  She paused. I already knew what she was going to say.

  “This is the well that you fell into,” said Lettie. “We call it the Crucivium.”

  “And it was written in the Sacriva that a girl would fall into this well?” Lucas said.

  “Not exactly. The Sacriva says that when the vampire empire is at war, when it is unstable and in danger of destroying the natural world, a human girl will be born a vampire by unholy means.” Lettie stopped for a moment and looked away. “This girl”—her voice wavered—“will restore order by killing the entire vampire race.”

  We fell silent. Lucas looked at me in shock.

  “That’s impossible,” I said.

  “That’s absurd,” Lucas said.

  “The Monarchy thinks this story is about me?”

  Lettie nodded.

  “That’s absurd,” Lucas repeated. “It’s just an old story.”

  “Whether you believe it or not, the Monarchy believes this to be true. Uther says that’s why they immediately ordered your death. To stop you before you…”

  “Before I what?” I said. “Kill everyone? Lettie. Look at me. Do you think I could ever do that? That I would ever hurt you?”

  “I don’t believe you would intentionally hurt anyone now,” she said.

  “Now?”

  “Zee. You have to understand. You’re so new. You’re still changing.” Lettie looked at me with a mix of pity and fear, as if I was a small child—but one who might suddenly go berserk. “You were created from the blood of our gods. Who knows what that will mean? Their abilities, their…impulses could manifest themselves in you.”

  She spoke the word “impulses” with such dread. “They were uncontrollable, Zee. Wild and vicious like beasts. They were pure evil,” she whispered.

  “So what? The Monarchy thinks that I’m spontaneously going to go on a murdering spree?”

  “I don’t know,” Lettie said. “I’m just telling you what Uther told me.”

  “But you think it’s possible,” I retorted.

  She hesitated and I had to walk away. This can’t be. My mind was in turmoil. I needed to hold something. Touch something solid, something real. I needed something to make sense. I rested my hands on either side of the collection box, stroked the grain of the wood, and closed my eyes. I’m just a girl, I had told Uther. I wished now, more than anything, for that to be true.

  It made sense. Why they sent the general after me. Why they had everyone after me. To them, I’m not some girl. To them, I’m destruction. I’m extinction. How can I convince them otherwise if I can’t convince Lettie?

  What am I supposed to do? This will never end. They’ll always think that I’m dangerous. They’ll hunt me. They’ll kill me.

  Uttering a cry I crushed the box with my hands. Coins rained onto the floor, bouncing, rolling, whirling, and t
hen wobbling to a standstill. My strength shocked me. This is what she meant. My abilities. I didn’t know what I was capable of.

  “Hey, killer.”

  I tried to ignore Lucas.

  “Did that make you feel better?” he asked. “Are you starting your murdering spree with the wooden box?”

  I turned away from him. I knew what he was doing—trying to lighten the mood like I might in this situation. But nothing would break my misery.

  “It’s not really fair, you know,” Lucas went on, “because it doesn’t hit back.”

  “Stop it,” I snapped. “Didn’t you hear what Lettie said? I’m going to go psycho killer on you all. You need to get as far away from me as possible.”

  He crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. “Don’t be an idiot.”

  “Could you be more condescending?”

  “Well, you’re acting like a five-year-old.”

  “How am I supposed to act?”

  “You’re not going to hurt anyone, all right? That’s just a stupid vampire folktale.”

  “But the Ancients predicted this.”

  “If they were so good at seeing the future, wouldn’t they have seen their own imprisonment? Predictions are just good guesses or stories for the gullible.”

  “But the Monarchy…”

  “Let them believe their myths.” He lowered his voice. “Listen. You’ve got to get a grip. We need to think a moment. We have to keep moving. This place isn’t safe. The Monarchy likely has scouts watching the church. They will come.”

  “Zee,” Lettie said.

  “Where are we going to go?” I asked Lucas.

  “I have a friend. She can help us get out of town.”

  “Zee,” Lettie hissed.

  “What?”

  “If you’re going to go, you’d better go now,” she said, her eyes round with fear.

  We were so busy arguing that we hadn’t been listening. Lucas straightened up. I could hear furtive footsteps in the courtyard, footsteps crushing the grass. With one hand Lucas reached back and grasped the handle of his blade; with the other, he grabbed my wrist and we ran, dashing down the same corridors as I had when I was trying to escape from Paolo.

  “This way,” Lettie said, grabbing Lucas’s arm.

  “Is there a back door?” Lucas asked.

  “No,” she said. “But if you go up the tower, you can jump from the window into a back alley.”

  “Show us,” he said.

  She led us to the doorway of the tower and pointed to the stairs.

  “Just go up. The window is halfway to the top.”

  I pulled back against Lucas’s grip. “Wait. Lettie. Aren’t you coming?”

  “No. I can’t leave the church. I’m the guardian in Uther’s absence.”

  “Lettie, no. They’ll kill you. And you’re only armed with a pocket knife.”

  “Just go, Zee. I promise I’ll be fine.”

  “I’m not leaving you here,” I said, grabbing her hand. “Please, come with us.”

  She covered my hand with hers. “I’m staying. You need to leave now.”

  Lucas clamped his arm around my waist and dragged me away.

  “Run, Zee. Be safe,” she said before disappearing from my view.

  The wind from the window met us as we climbed the winding stairs, our footsteps echoing up the tower. The moonlight from the opening illuminated Lucas’s face, tense with concentration. He climbed up onto the stone sill. Following him, I put one foot on the edge. The sight of Jerome’s runners jolted me to a standstill.

  Lucas thrust his hand at me. I stepped back and away from him.

  “What are you doing?” he demanded.

  “I can’t.”

  “You can’t what?” I detected a note of panic in his voice.

  “I can’t keep running.”

  “This isn’t the time…”

  “Lucas, I’m dangerous. Look what happened to Noel. To Jerome,” I said. A flicker of pain appeared in his eyes at the mention of their names. “I don’t want that to happen to you. Just go without me.”

  He came down from the windowsill.

  “After everything that you’ve been through, you want to give up now?” he said.

  “We won’t survive together.”

  “Survival is a choice.”

  “If I surrender then you’ll have a chance. They only want me.”

  “Stop being stupid.”

  “You know that if I go with you, I’ll only slow you down.”

  “You think you’re being brave? You think you’re being brave by giving up?” He grabbed my shoulders and shook them. I tried to push him away but he wouldn’t let me go.

  “Choosing to survive. That is brave. So be brave. Come with me.”

  Vampires were moving through the church. I heard their muted footsteps, the rattle and jingle of weapons harnessed to bodies. I looked up into his searching eyes. He released me and stepped onto the sill. He put his hand out.

  Be brave.

  I slipped my fingers into his palm.

  “Let’s go,” I said.

  Chapter 20

  I had left our backpack on the church pew, along with all our money and supplies. “For the children of the third world?” I had said in response to Lucas’s glare.

  We ran through the dark, narrow streets and Lucas stopped to fish change out of a fountain. He then went inside a tobacco shop. I waited outside, leaning beside the door and scanning the street for soldiers. What if they find us here? We’ll make a scene.

  A man came out of the shop and I shifted to avoid getting hit by the door. As it swung open, I was faced with an image that I knew. I gasped. It was my face. My high school year book picture. The photocopy taped against the glass window was grainy. Underneath my portrait was a description with my name and age. The only Italian word that I understood was “scomparsa.” I had asked Sofia what it meant after seeing a missing-dog poster near her apartment. It meant “disappearance.”

  They’re looking for me. My family. I put my hand over my mouth. My throat felt tight, as if it was lined with hardening plaster. Oh God. I blinked back tears as Lucas came outside with bus tickets in his hand. I turned away to hide my face but he had already seen my expression. He waited while I composed myself.

  “My people are looking for me,” I said, gesturing to the poster and then squeezing both my eyes with my thumb and index finger so I wouldn’t cry.

  Lucas peered at it. We didn’t speak for a moment but the street noise mercifully filled the space.

  “I hate that picture,” I finally said to change the subject. “My smile is so fake.”

  “I think you look…all right,” he said.

  I watched him press his lips together and nod his head—This is Lucas being comforting—and I paused to appreciate his gesture.

  “Come on,” he said. “It’s not safe to be on the streets.”

  He jogged along the sidewalk and followed a young couple boarding a bus. “They won’t be looking for us here,” he said as we got on. The roar of the engine startled me as it pulled away from the curb.

  Lucas had removed his swords and held them behind him and against his body. He chose a seat in the middle of the bus, next to the door. As he sat down he quickly tucked the swords upright between his knees, hiding their handles with his arms. I slid in beside him. Six people, including the driver, rode the bus with us. A middle-aged woman near the front peeled an orange in her lap. A couple slumped in the seats across from her. A silver-haired man read a newspaper and a man in his twenties stood beside me, bobbing his head to the rock music blaring from his headphones.

  The top button on the older man’s shirt was undone, revealing a carpet of white curls. He breathed the soupy air through his mouth and when he inhaled, his chest bulged so much that I thought he might burst. Every time he turned a page, it sounded like someone was crushing a bag of chips against my ear.

  Beside me, the young man pressed the buzzer to stop the bus. Cord-like veins
snaked up his arms. His skin was so pale that it was almost translucent. His pulse thumped against the thin skin on his neck like a tiny fist against taut fabric. It reminded me of my thirst.

  I looked over at Lucas who focused, unblinking, out the window. After spending so much time with vampires, I had never appreciated their stillness. Now here I was surrounded by people who were just sitting or standing and I was amazed by their bustle, their noise. Their frailty. Their humanity.

  The young man glanced at me with his hooded eyes and stepped off of the bus; I found myself hoping that he would be careful crossing the street. Then I thought of Lettie. Her beautiful face and wide, brilliant blue eyes. I hoped that she was safe. I hoped that she knew to hide. How would I know that she was okay?

  “She’s fine,” Lucas said to me, reading my face.

  “Lettie?” I asked.

  He nodded.

  How is it that you know what I’m thinking? Am I so transparent?

  He always looked brooding and preoccupied, but I could never tell what was going through his head. I didn’t know how he was dealing with this ordeal. I chose to interpret his silence as strength. I needed something to believe in. He was all I had left.

  “You really got me with that whole ‘be brave’ speech,” I said with a small smile.

  “I knew I had to say something to set you straight,” he said. “You were being a big baby.”

  “Big baby?”

  “Yes. That’s what I said.”

  “I was trying to spare you.”

  “Next time spare me your cowardice.”

  “You are unbelievable. If I go on that murdering rampage, I’m killing you first.”

  “If that means that I won’t have to listen to your nattering then I’ll hand you my sword.”

  I huffed and opened my mouth to protest. But then I thought of a new strategy. Something that I learned in grade school.

  “You like me,” I said.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You pretend not to but I think you like me.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Yeah. That’s why you didn’t want to leave me back there. You didn’t want me to die.”

  He sighed and he waved his hand at me, as if he was shooing away a fly.

  “You know what?” I said, turning my body to face him. “‘Be brave’ is the nicest thing that you’ve ever said to me. So to me, it means ‘I care.’”