What Kills Me

  “Thank you, Yung,” Nuwa said.

  The vampire hastened away. As she turned to close the door, our eyes met. She examined my face, her hands frozen on the door. When I smiled, she slid it shut.

  “I’m glad that you’re not alone,” Lucas said.

  “The Monarchy was kind enough to allow me servants.”

  “You look well.”

  “I exist,” she said. “I’m sorry about your father. That must have been awful.”

  “The Aramatta came to our home. They were after Zee—I mean Axelia. They killed Jerome and then they killed Noel.”

  “How terrible,” she whispered.

  “It was the general.”

  A look crossed her face, perhaps desolation or loathing, but it was gone in a second.

  “They have everyone chasing us,” he said. “We didn’t know where else to go.”

  “You did the right thing,” she said. “I was worried when you did not arrive last night. Your messenger said to expect you.”

  “We ran into trouble on the highway.”

  “Why do they want Axelia?”

  He paused. “She fell into the Crucivium and became a vampire without a sire.”

  He didn’t elaborate. I waited for her reaction. She considered the information and reached across the table, offering her palm to me. I took her hand. It was soft, like a flower petal.

  “You must have been so frightened,” she said.

  I nodded. She squeezed my hand.

  “You’re safe now.”

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “Became a vampire without a sire,” she said. “I’ve never heard such a thing.”

  “I don’t think it’s happened before,” he said.

  “Incredible,” she said. “The Monarchy must have been frantic. It reacts so poorly to anything outside of tradition.”

  “We don’t want to bring you any trouble,” I said.

  “She’s right. We don’t want—”

  Nuwa raised her hand to silence us. “You are family. And we take care of our own.”

  “What will we do?” asked Lucas.

  “We shall make no sudden movements. But we must leave here, carefully, quietly.”

  “Where will we go?”

  “I have other refuges,” she said. “Your obaia has had centuries to build her own empire. I have sent servants ahead of us to make sure the path is secure. They will report back tomorrow and we will escape.”

  “And if the Aramatta come before then?”

  “My servants live along the mountain edges. They will know and they’ll warn us.”

  She took a teacup and held it up. We toasted and drank the blood.

  “It’s fresh. Yung found some hikers…”

  She trailed off after seeing Lucas shake his head.

  “Oh, my apologies, Axelia,” she said. “In any case, it is rude to talk about the food.”

  She clapped her hands twice and Yung came out to refill our cups, though I wasn’t feeling so hungry anymore.

  ***

  After we’d been fed, Yung and another servant, Ai-Leen, led us into the forest. The wind rustled the trees and occasionally it snowed tiny leaves. Lucas hung behind talking to Nuwa, who walked with an indigo paper parasol. Her slippered feet seemed not to make any noise, while I crunched leaves and twigs and booted rocks with Samira’s sneakers. They spoke in low murmurs; I heard Nuwa say Taren and Noel’s names but I tried not to listen. I stayed close to the servants and babbled about how I almost fell while climbing, though they appeared not to speak English.

  Then I heard rushing water, constant and loud like static. We walked until Yung and Ai-Leen parted some leaves to reveal a waterfall.

  “Wow!” I turned back to grin, open-mouthed, at Nuwa and Lucas.

  “Look at how excited she is,” Nuwa said, with a chuckle.

  We descended stone stairs, moss-covered, jagged, and cracked. At the base of the waterfall, foamy white water poured over large rocks and into a milky, light-blue stream. Ai-Leen smiled at me; she had puffy cheeks and deep-set dimples, like buttons in a tufted couch. She was squat, with an ample chest and rounded hips. She put a green silk bag down on a rock and loosened the drawstring, then pulled out a towel and what appeared to be a roll of cream linen.

  Lucas was already stepping on the heels of his shoes to remove them. When he peeled off his shirt, Ai-Leen tittered.

  “I’m also working on my eight pack,” I told her while patting my stomach.

  Lucas dived in with his pants on. He didn’t surface. The servants started tugging at my shirt.

  “Whoa,” I said with a nervous giggle, pushing my shirt down.

  “It’s all right, Axelia. Let them bathe you.”

  “Um, I’m okay. I can bathe myself.”

  “Please,” she said. “It will cleanse the body and the spirit.”

  The servants pulled my shirt over my head and I turned away from the water and crossed my arms over my chest. Ai-Leen took the roll of fabric and started winding it around my torso. It was light, like gauze.

  “Are you making me a bathing suit?” I asked. She just smiled. “Are they making me a bathing suit?”

  “They are giving you privacy,” Nuwa said.

  Yung covered my lower half with the towel while Ai-Leen made me a skirt, then shorts with the strips of cloth. Yung rolled up her pant legs over her knees and led me into the water. She looked to be in her late thirties; her eyebrows were shaped like tadpoles, bushy and then thin over her small dark brown eyes.

  Nuwa settled on the grass, cross-legged, the umbrella over her shoulder. Ai-Leen dipped a bucket of water into the stream and dumped it over my head. She opened a jar and started smearing a gray-green paste into my hair. “What is it?” I asked her.

  “It is plants and mushrooms, and spices for scent,” Nuwa said. “It will make your hair soft like rabbit fur.”

  Lucas was floating on his back at the base of the waterfall. He looked so carefree.

  “Nuwa? Thank you again for taking us in,” I said. “It means a lot to Lucas.”

  Yung plucked one of my feet from the water and started scrubbing it with a bar of soap. She started to hum and then stopped abruptly as if catching herself.

  “It was without question, Axelia,” Nuwa said. She watched me for a few minutes and said, “You must mean a lot to Lucas for him to help you like this.”

  “I’m so grateful. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. But I feel…”

  “You feel responsible.”

  “I do, yes. If I hadn’t come into his life, he wouldn’t be in this mess. And Noel…”

  “You mustn’t blame yourself, Axelia.”

  “But Lucas…”

  “Lucas makes his own decisions. He chooses to be here with you. You know, we will do almost anything for the one we love.”

  “Oh,” I said as Ai-Leen dropped another bucket of water over me. “It’s not like that. Lucas and I are just friends.”

  “I see,” she said. “You don’t love him?”

  “Well, I care about him a lot,” I said. “But—we just met.”

  “He loves you.”

  Stunned, I looked over at him.

  “He said that?” I whispered to Nuwa.

  She laughed. “No. But an obaia can tell these things.”

  Blushing, I stared down at Yung, who was splashing my thighs with water. She was looking at me. Her mouth was tight, as if she was chewing on the insides of her cheeks. She didn’t blink. It made me uncomfortable so I patted her on the shoulder and stood.

  “Thank you,” I said to them. “I’ve never been so clean in my life.”

  I pushed off the rock and swam into the middle of the stream. The servants waddled back to the shore. I turned onto my back to look at the stars.

  Could he possibly love me? And do I love him? I thought of the way I felt with him. I thought of the way he smiled. I thought of his laughter in the hot springs, how rare it seemed and how precious.

  Thi
s is perfect—now I’m going to be all weird around him until I figure out how I feel.

  I was so preoccupied that I didn’t notice Lucas surface beside me. He didn’t look at me or say anything. He must have heard my conversation with Nuwa but he was pretending not to have, which bothered me. With a single kick he propelled himself toward the shore so I followed him, silently sulking. I clomped out of the water and the servants covered me with a black robe.

  “Come children,” Nuwa said. “We have some time to train before dawn.”

  She doesn’t know that I can go out in the sun.

  “You’ll enjoy training Axelia,” Lucas said. “She’s an incredibly fast learner.”

  “Is that so?”

  Nuwa rose from the grass and closed her parasol. She placed the tip on the ground. With a flick of the handle, she whacked a rock at me. Without a thought I snatched it out of the air an inch from my face. It was so quick, the servants flinched only after the rock had buried itself in my hand.

  Nuwa nodded, her eyes hungry. “Good reflexes.”

  I dropped the rock onto the soft grass. The indents from the stone faded from my palm and I smiled. I had impressed myself.

  We returned to the temple at a brisk pace. Lucas marched with his chin high; he seemed excited to train with Nuwa. Like they used to when he was a young vampire. She disappeared inside the temple to change. In the rock garden Lucas handed me my sword and leaned into me.

  “Don’t mention the sunlight thing yet,” he whispered.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t want to unnerve her with too much information in one night.”

  Right, we don’t want to freak her out by telling her that I’m a monster destined to slaughter the vampire race.

  He cocked his head and clucked his tongue, reading my thoughts. “We’ll tell her tomorrow,” he said. “And I assume that you’ll want to go exploring in the day.”

  “Maybe just around the garden?”

  “Fine. But don’t wander off.”

  I nodded and moved away from him. Yung was standing at the entrance to the temple, her hands clasped in front of her, her eyes glowing in the dark. I bowed my head to her. She just kept staring.

  “Lucas, how do you say, ‘How are you?’ in Mandarin?”

  “Ni hao ma.”

  I repeated it immediately to Yung. She didn’t respond.

  “Did I say it right?” I asked Lucas.

  “Sort of.”

  Yung murmured something. I turned to Lucas. He was already practicing with his swords on the terrace. “She said you remind her of her daughter,” he said.

  “You have a daughter?” I asked Yung. But she just shook her head.

  You had a daughter.

  Nuwa returned in a loose black shirt and pants, and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She waved at Yung and spoke in Mandarin. Yung hesitated before retreating. I stared at the closed door after she had gone and I felt sad. She seemed lonely.

  “Hey Trouble, don’t fall over the edge, okay?” Lucas said, interrupting my reverie. I unsheathed my sword and joined him on the terrace.

  “Even if I do fall, you’ll rescue me, won’t you?” I said.

  Nuwa had a long sword in her hand. She leaped from the veranda, over the rock garden, onto the terrace. It was as if she walked on air. She pulled her blade from its black sheath and smiled.

  “Let’s see what you are capable of,” she said.

  Chapter 32

  I couldn’t get Nuwa’s words out of my head. He loves you. I obsessed over it all morning, unable to concentrate on the tour that Ai-Leen was giving me of Nuwa’s underground lair. The temple was a surface marker, a buoy. Underneath, Nuwa’s home extended for miles of corridors, staircases, and rooms, each modestly decorated with red rugs, scroll paintings, and mahogany furniture.

  I reclined on a burgundy chaise longue in a library and pretended to flip through a book of photographs depicting Chinese landscapes. Having never been in love, I couldn’t be sure that I loved him and having had only two boyfriends—Steve Salgado in third grade and Jay Carey in eleventh grade—I had no fair comparison. Not that any human comparison could be made. My days with Lucas had been filled with terror and tragedy, but when we weren’t screaming or fighting or running, I had enjoyed being with him. I had wanted to kiss him.

  I’m attracted to Lucas. I will allow that.

  This confession was followed by the thought that it might be better to quell my feelings. I can’t allow myself to like him. He’s my only friend. Feelings will only complicate the situation. And despite what Nuwa said, he probably doesn’t care about me like that. If he thinks I like him, he might want to distance himself from me. And I don’t know what I’d do if he didn’t want to be friends anymore.

  Nuwa walked into the room with Ai-Leen in tow.

  “Are you all right, Axelia?” Nuwa asked.

  “Yes, Nuwa. Thank you.”

  Ai-Leen presented me with a folded blanket. “Thank you,” I said. I laid it in my lap and stroked the red knit.

  “You look upset,” Nuwa said. “What is on your mind, child?” She lowered herself into a chair.

  “Nothing. I’m okay. It’s just been a lot to deal with this week.”

  “Given the circumstances, I think you are being very courageous.”

  “I don’t think so. I’m scared to death.”

  “Courage, my child, is not the absence of fear. It’s the triumph over fear. It’s how you handle yourself in these times, and these times are not for the weak of heart.”

  “It’s Lucas, really. If he wasn’t always rescuing me or fighting for me or telling me not to be a baby, I might be dead.”

  “If you weren’t who you are, he might not have fought for you.”

  “I just wish I could do more to protect him.”

  “You are what keeps him going.”

  We sat in silence for a moment as I digested her words. I didn’t know if I believed her, but I was warmed by the possibility.

  “Lucas told me that he has always wanted to come find you,” I said.

  She nodded. “I was sorry to leave him. I know what it is like to be separated from your family.”

  “I’m sorry about what happened to you.”

  “It was a long time ago,” she said. “Did he tell you my history?”

  “He told me about his sisters. About the general.”

  She leaned back in the chair. She had a faraway look in her eyes. A sadness.

  “Hmm. Yes. The general. You know, Axelia, when he was human, he was legendary. He was the commander of great armies, and his forces were the only human warriors able to mount an admirable resistance against the Aramatta. The humans died of course, but the Monarchy was impressed with the general and he was blessed.

  “When we fell in love, it was forbidden. He was only a soldier in the Aramatta and he was Ikkaru.”

  She saw my puzzled expression. “Vampires are divided into orders based on the bloodline. The Ikkaru are thrice removed from the Ancients and therefore their blood is diluted. Did you see the general?”

  I nodded. She put her index finger under her eye and dragged it down her cheek. “It is why he still bears a scar from his human life. I, however, am Ilutu. A second generation vampire. My sire was created by an Ancient. So we had to hide our love. In the meantime, the general moved quickly up the chain of command. He was a brilliant soldier and fiercely devoted to the Monarchy. I was able to convince my obaia that he deserved to be general and when he was promoted, I requested her permission to be with him. She made the rare exception.”

  “Who is your sire?” I asked, though I suspected the answer.

  She met my gaze. “The Empress is my sire.”

  I felt a chill. I could not imagine these two women together. The Empress was cold and hard like metal. Nuwa was soft and fluid like water.

  “May I ask you a question?” she said.

  “Of course.”

  “You’ve come so far. What makes you fight so
hard to live?”

  “I don’t know. Fear of death?”

  “What else?”

  “Maybe the remote chance that I might one day see my family again.”

  “I understand,” she said, nodding. “That is certainly worth fighting for.”

  She rose. “You must be exhausted.”

  I didn’t respond. I didn’t really need to sleep anymore.

  “I’m going to turn in now,” she continued. “If you require anything this afternoon, just call for Ai-Leen and she can bring you whatever you need.”

  Before she left, she turned and rested a hand on one of the stone jambs in the room. “Will you do something for me today?”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “Take the afternoon to rest your spirits. You deserve it.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Keep your spirits up. Audentes fortuna iuvat. Fortune favors the bold.”

  After she left, I wandered the halls like a ghost, feeling the cool walls, examining the art. Time seemed to creep without Lucas’s company. When I finally found my way above ground, back inside the temple, it was afternoon. I walked outside, savoring the sun’s heat and the smell of leaves. I strolled through the grounds. I watched the koi. It gave me peace. Then I climbed the hill to the wall bordering the temple and jumped over it. I hoped to find the waterfall again. I wanted to see it under the sun.

  The forest was thick with vegetation. Brush blanketed the ground, and trees blocked out the sun. When a ray peeked through the foliage, I ran to stand under its spotlight. I couldn’t imagine an eternity without the sunlight. I followed a butterfly’s flight for a few minutes. It fluttered among the trees and suddenly changed directions, narrowly avoiding a spider web. The web stretched five feet across, anchored in four corners to trees and bushes; its creator rested in the center, plucking the strings like a harp. I was as stunned as the butterfly.

  “Whoa. That is a ginormous spider,” I said.

  All the mountain critters were ginormous, I found. The butterflies had puffy bodies like hummingbirds. Tree trunks were covered in bug-eyed green insects disguised as leaves. I was careful not to crush them while climbing into the canopy. I spent the rest of the day hiking and climbing the peaks. I pretended to take photos, creating a frame with my thumbs and my index fingers.

  Yesterday the mountains had seemed like titanic monuments and I had felt so minuscule. Today I knew that I could reach their pinnacles. I mentally marked the temple among the green behind me. Ahead I saw something red against a mountainside in the distance. A patch of flowers, maybe? A flag? Curious, I trekked toward it.