What Kills Me

  “Please, don’t kill me,” I said.

  “We’re not going to harm you, Axelia,” Uther said. “I just want to understand you, and have you understand us. I protect this church. My descendants have guarded this sanctum for thousands of years. I have lived here for five hundred years. Lettie has lived here with me for a hundred and fifty years.”

  “Vampires aren’t real,” I said in a hushed voice.

  “To humans, we are merely fairy tales and folklore. But we do exist. We have lived in secret among human beings for eons.”

  “The two of you think you are vampires.”

  Lettie rolled her eyes. She twirled her finger. “We are vampires. The three of us.”

  She’s delusional. The room suddenly tilted. My eyes became unfocused and I fought a wave of nausea. I felt Lettie at my side, but I lacked the energy to fight her. She hooked her willowy arms into mine and pulled me to my feet.

  “New vampires are weak and vulnerable. You need to feed to grow strong,” Uther said.

  “Stop. I’m not a vampire,” I said. “I’m just a girl.”

  “If you were just a girl, how could you have had the strength to crawl out of that well?” Lettie asked. She led me back to the bed and we passed the wardrobe, where a mirror hung on the inside of the open door.

  In the reflection, I could see Lettie carrying a young woman. A young woman that I recognized. I gasped. Startled, Lettie halted. She saw the mirror and brought me over to it.

  The woman in the reflection looked like me but didn’t look like me.

  “Oh my God,” I whispered.

  It was as if I was looking at an artist’s rendering of myself. A portrait with exaggerated colors and soft lines. My hair was so dark. The black reflected the light, creating the impression of a shining tiara across my bangs. I parted my lips, which had turned crimson, and my teeth were so white they were almost fluorescent. The scariest part was my eyes. They weren’t chocolate brown anymore. They were amber. And bright like fire.

  “What the hell…”

  “What do you see?” asked Uther.

  I see and do not see. Lettie released me so that I could move closer to the mirror. I reached for my face. My glowing, golden skin was smooth like glass under my trembling finger tips. The scar under my mouth—the one I had gotten when I was seven and hit a chain-link fence, impaling my chin on on a rusty gate hinge—had disappeared. I could not find a blemish, a freckle, a pore.

  “I look…” I couldn’t find words. I smoothed my thick curls against my head.

  “I think you look good,” Lettie said.

  “You’re a vampire now,” Uther said. “You have been reborn. You’re beautiful and you’re powerful. You will never know illness. You will never age or die. You will exist now, as perfect as you are, for all eternity.”

  In the mirror, I watched as his words washed over me. They penetrated my silent heart and left me cold. I stared at this face, into wide glittering eyes, and realized that I was not breathing. More importantly, that I felt no need to draw a breath.

  “Who are you?” I whispered to myself.

  “You are a miracle,” Uther said. “To be blessed as a vampire is a rare gift, only bestowed upon a select few each century, and they must be deemed worthy by our elders. Your arrival is extraordinary. Such a phenomenon has never occurred in our history. Never has a vampire been born without having fed from another.”

  “How did this happen?”

  “The well is filled with blood, my child,” Uther said. “Vampire blood.”

  Chapter 7

  Soon, it would be morning. Sofia would come to our bedroom door, knock twice, and then poke her head inside. She’d see my empty, made bed and demand to know where I was. Miyuki would tell her that I had escaped out the window to see a boy and had not returned. A panicked Sofia would send Giuseppe out to look for me while she called the authorities. Then she would call my parents. My father’s booming, angry voice would force Sofia’s ear from the receiver. My mother would stand by, wringing her hands and asking for answers—“What’s going on? What’s happened to Zee?”—while my father interrogated Sofia. They would call my cell phone, text me, and e-mail me. They would call Ryka. My father would curse under his breath while my mother paced the room—“This isn’t like Zee. Zee would never do this. Maybe something happened.” The look on their faces. To see all this in my mind made me wither in sorrow.

  I looked down at the note I’d just written at the desk.

  Dear Mom, Dad, and Tiff,

  I’m so sorry if I made you worry. I’m safe. Please know that I love you. I miss you. Don’t worry. I am happy.

  Love,

  Zee

  A tear dropped onto the paper. It was red. I gasped and wiped my face. I stared at the blood smeared on my hand. It disgusted me, the way the blood fell into the lines in my palm. It made my hand look old.

  I waved at Uther to show him. He nodded, his lips tight.

  I cry blood. That is so wrong. I wiped my hand on my skirt.

  “Axelia,” Uther said. His voice startled me, snapping me back to this new version of life. “It might be better for your family not to receive that letter.”

  “No,” I said. “I don’t want them to think that I just disappeared or that I’m lying in some gutter…dead.”

  “But Axelia,” he said in his low, calm tone. “If they believe that you are alive, they will wait for you to come home.”

  “What’s wrong with that?” I said, though I knew the answer.

  “They will wait forever. They will never grieve and they will never move on.”

  “I don’t know which is worse. Having them wait or having them move on.”

  Uther stood behind me, his hands on my shaking shoulders.

  “My heart,” I said, crying. “It hurts.”

  “It will be all right,” he said. “I promise. This period of mourning will pass. Of course, you will miss your loved ones but you will never forget them. You will see. Everything is going to be fine.”

  He crouched beside me and fixed his gaze on me, as if he was willing me to understand, as if he could instill strength through his eyes. “Normally, people choose to be blessed in this way. They undergo a sacred ritual to become a vampire. I know that you didn’t have a choice. But no one asks to be born. This is the nature of fate. It is beyond your control. You must endure whatever comes. You must be strong.”

  I scrunched up the paper and pushed it away. My hand fell limp on the desk and the pen rolled away. He took my hand and held it for a long time. I let him. I still felt broken but I didn’t feel as alone. I swallowed the lump in my throat and swiped at a tear on my cheek with the back of my wrist, marking it with red.

  “In the movies, when vampires crawl out of graves, they are just so excited about being dead and sucking blood,” I said. “I’m not excited.”

  “The movies aren’t real,” he said.

  “Does that mean you don’t drink blood?”

  “No. We subsist on blood.”

  My nose detected the faint scent of baby powder before I heard the hardwood creek under Lettie’s footsteps. She walked in and I frowned at the pungent, rusty smell coming from the mug in her hand.

  “I brought you something,” she said.

  She set the steaming mug down in front of me. It had, “I Love Rome” written on it in red, white, and green.

  “Where did you get the cup?” Uther asked.

  “On the street,” she said with a shrug. “I thought it would please her.”

  “Is this blood?” I asked, alarmed.

  “Is it hot?” Uther said.

  “I thought it could be like having a warm cup of tea,” Lettie said. “Humans like tea.”

  “This is not exactly…my cup of tea,” I said.

  “You need it for strength,” Uther said.

  I hooked my fingers around the handle of the mug and peered at my disgusted reflection in the liquid.

  “I can’t do this.”

&nbsp
; “Sure, you can.” Lettie said encouragingly.

  “I guess it could have been worse. You could have brought me an actual person,” I muttered.

  Lettie made a face. “I’m not savage.”

  “Our blood is supplied,” Uther said.

  “What does that mean?” I asked.

  “It means that we have no need to hunt humans. We are provided for.”

  “So someone else drains the people and you get it out of a tap?”

  Lettie and Uther exchanged a look. “Not exactly,” Uther said. “But fresh blood is delivered to the church.”

  “Did you think I was out there grabbing tourists off the street?” Lettie said.

  I didn’t answer her because that was exactly what I thought.

  “Some vampires hunt for pleasure,” said Uther, “but generally it is considered unsophisticated.”

  “Some vampires,” I said. “Some vampires like Paolo.”

  My life was over the moment I saw him in the crowded piazza. Or rather, the moment he saw me. He had hunted me. And the way he came to the apartment. He must have felt like he was picking up food from a drive-thru window.

  I should never have climbed out that window. Then I wouldn’t be a walking corpse. Or I should’ve just stayed home the night before. Then I never would have met Paolo.

  “Do you know him?” I asked.

  “Yes,” Uther said.

  “Does he know that this has happened to me?”

  “He doesn’t know. He ran as soon as you fell,” Uther said.

  “If I drink this, will I be strong enough to kill him?”

  Lettie grinned, showing both her top and bottom teeth, but Uther shook his head. “Elders are always stronger.”

  “Can vampires even be killed?”

  “Oh, yes,” Lettie said. “Vampires are physically able to kill other vampires.”

  “Don’t you worry about Paolo,” Uther said, patting me on the back. “He will be judged.”

  “I’m probably as old as he is. I could beat him up for you,” Lettie offered.

  Uther grunted and wagged his index finger at her. Suddenly he stopped, his finger pointing to the sky.

  “Uther?” Lettie said.

  “Shh,” he said. “Stay here.” He darted from the room.

  “Don’t worry, Zee,” Lettie said. But she turned away from me and fingered the collar of her shirt, so I worried.

  “What’s going on?” I whispered.

  Uther burst back through the door, his eyes wide.

  “Lettie, did you tell anyone about Axelia?” he asked.

  “What? No,” Lettie said.

  “Letticia, did you tell anyone about Axelia?” he asked again.

  “I…I just mentioned it briefly to Merrill. I’m sorry. I didn’t think…”

  He looked around the room. “It’s too late to hide her.”

  “Hide me from who?” I said.

  A door closed inside the church. “They’re inside,” Lettie whispered. “What do we do, Uther?”

  He thought for a moment, glanced at the window, and shook his head. “We can do nothing. They’ll hear us leave.”

  Heavy footsteps echoed in the hall—it sounded like marching troops—and we all backed away from the door.

  “Neither of you speak,” Uther said.

  A chill ripped through my body as we stared down the door. I was struck with the ridiculous thought that it might be Sofia and the police coming to take me home. Then we heard a pounding knock and the door quivered in its frame.

  Chapter 8

  They filed into the room, a dozen stern-looking men in black. My nostrils filled with the scent of leather from their kneepads, gloves, and heavy boots. A circular gold symbol of a snake swallowing its own tail sparkled on the upper corner of their Kevlar vests. Sheathed swords hung across their backs, the handles braided in black cloth like those of samurai swords. Daggers and other objects were strapped to their belts and to holsters on their arms and thighs.

  “What is the meaning of this?” Uther demanded.

  The soldiers parted and a huge man turned sideways and ducked to enter the room.

  “Cleric,” he said in a deep, rumbling voice.

  “General,” Uther said, surprised.

  “It’s been a long time,” the general said.

  “Yes,” Uther answered. “Not since Letticia was blessed.”

  The general glanced at Lettie, who had inched in front of me; he nodded at her with his cleft chin. His protruding brow was missing a chunk of hair where a scar cut across his right eye. The mark was like a worm crawling under the surface of his skin down to his cheek. His close-cropped hair was ash blond on top and silver around his pointed ears, and his hairline formed a V in the middle of his forehead. When he moved, his leather jacket groaned and pulled taut around his shoulders and arms.

  “To what do we owe this honor?” Uther asked.

  “I wish we were visiting on better terms, but the Monarchy received some disturbing news tonight,” the general said. He sauntered around his men, who lined the room like statues. He was a head taller than most of them.

  “It seems, Cleric, that the shrine has been breached,” he said.

  He waited for a reaction. Uther remained silent.

  “We received word of a human entering the shrine and gaining access to the Crucivium, which you were entrusted to protect. Is this true?”

  “Yes, General.”

  “We understand that the human desecrated the Crucivium with her body. We understand that she emerged a vampire. Is this true?”

  “Yes, General.”

  The soldiers remained still but they watched me with their eyes.

  “Most unholy,” the general whispered. “When did this occur?”

  “Shortly after dusk,” Uther said. “It was my mistake.”

  Uther looked at me apologetically. “I was careless and left the door to the sanctum open. I had gone to pick up some supplies and when I returned, I heard the girl and a vampire in the church. The girl tried to escape and she ran to the shrine and fell into the well.”

  “Was it your intention, Cleric, to hide this from the Monarchy?”

  “No, General,” he answered. “I had yet to contact the Monarchy because I wanted to first ensure her proper care. I also wanted to study her and gather information for a full report to the Empress.”

  The general approached Lettie and me. He looked at me for the first time and gave me the once-over. His dark gray eyes bore into mine and I looked down. As he towered over me, I felt like a child who’d misbehaved. My head sank and my shoulders rose up to my ears.

  “This is the trespasser?” he asked.

  “Yes,” Uther said. “Her name is Axelia.”

  The general paused, absorbing my name. He scowled.

  “We have been ordered to bring this abomination before the Monarchy, by order of the Empress,” he said.

  Abomination? Stunned, I raised my head and met his glower.

  “General, could we not wait until tomorrow evening when she has had time to rest and I have had time to observe her?”

  “Cleric, are you questioning the Empress’s orders?”

  “No, General, of course not.”

  “Tread carefully, Cleric. You too will be judged for your failure to do your sacred duty.”

  “Uther, they can’t take Zee,” Lettie said.

  The general whirled around and growled at her; she was like a mouse who had bitten the tail of a tiger.

  “Insolence!” he hissed.

  “Lettie, please,” Uther said.

  “But Uther…”

  A soldier marched up to her and grabbed her arm.

  “Hey!” she cried.

  “Seize the vampire!” ordered the general. His mouth twisted into a snarl, revealing two gleaming fangs.

  Two soldiers gripped Uther by his arms while the others converged upon us.

  “No!” Lettie shouted. A soldier grabbed her with both hands, crushing her arms to her
sides and lifting her off of the ground. “Stop!” she cried out.

  Screaming, I tried to run but they were on me in an instant, grabbing my arms, wrenching me away from Lettie. I kicked at the desk and the mug fell, exploding on the floor, splashing blood on my legs. They pulled me from the room like a rag doll.

  “Uther!” I cried.

  “General, this is unnecessary…” Uther said.

  I heard his voice grow fainter and fainter as they dragged me through the dark halls, my heels sliding all over the hardwood and then across the cold, marble church floors. Overhead, paintings of saints witnessed my abduction.

  Outside, an engine started as the soldiers pushed open the heavy front doors. The night air rushed me and chilled my bare, wet legs. A cube truck was parked in the courtyard, and they tossed me into the cargo area. I landed on my shoulder blade and did a backward somersault, hitting my head on the back of the truck.

  “Ow!”

  The general walked out of the church and crossed his arms. We stared at each other for a moment and then he turned his head and spat on the ground.

  “Lock the door,” he said, and they shut me in the dark.

  ***

  The street’s symphony blared outside the truck. Over the drone of the engine, I could hear the Vespas zipping around the vehicle like flies. And voices. Music from a radio. A dog barking. A passing bus. Footsteps, the snap of sandals against soles. The truck grumbled to a crawl and spluttered and coughed before starting again. I could smell exhaust, French fries as we rounded a corner, coffee at another turn. And then for a long while, there was nothing but the wind assaulting the sides of the truck and the smell of gas.

  I trembled with terror. My mind raced. I thought of my family. Uther and Lettie. The general and the soldiers. My new face in the mirror. I hugged my legs to my chest and rested my head on my knees. When I licked my lips, the acrid blood on my tongue startled me, repulsed me. I tried to register pain, tried to determine where I was hurt. I touched my scalp where I had smacked the truck. No pain, no bump.

  The coffee mug. The blood on my legs.

  I licked my lips again and the taste was still bitter and briny, but somehow comforting. There was something soothing, something satisfying, about sucking my lips. I opened my mouth, paused, and touched the tip of my tongue to my knee. Tasted. Swallowed.

  I’ve been kidnapped by vampires. They’re probably going to kill me. And now I want to drink blood. Awesome.