XIII.
_AND LAST OF THE SUNBEAMS._
HOW long she stayed there she did not know, now crying, now ceasing,and crouched there in a kind of dumb remorse and misery which wouldhave been a severe punishment for even a worse fault than that of whichshe had been guilty. She wanted to come out and learn what was goingon downstairs, and yet she did not dare to: she felt as if she couldnot bear to see that look upon mamma's face again. Then she would shedmore bitter tears. She imagined and wondered over many things. If mammadied and went to heaven, would she know what she had done, and be sogrieved and displeased at her unkindness that she would love her nolonger? Were people in heaven ever troubled about the naughty thingstheir loved ones did or had done upon the earth?
So she sat all in a heap, behind the old chairs and tables, perplexingher poor little brain, and racking her heart with all kind of imaginaryconsequences to this morning's occurrence. By and by she heard theservants calling her, but would not answer; then her father's voice,but now she believed that he must know all; "it had come out in someway," and she was afraid to face him and did not stir. Ruth opened thedoor at the foot of the garret stairs and called her name, even came upand looked about the open space, but did not see Carrie crouched in herfar corner, and the little girl never stirred till she was gone.
Next she heard Nellie calling her from the garden below, her voicetroubled and anxious.
"Carrie," she said, "Carrie, dear! where are you? Do answer if you canhear me. Mamma is growing so troubled because we can't find you."
Here was a scrap of comfort. Mamma was at least alive enough to inquirefor, and be anxious about her. She crept to the window and looked downto where Nellie stood, calling still, and turning her eyes in everydirection.
"Here I am, Nellie, I'll come down," she answered, ran down the stairs,opened the door, and then, her courage failing her once more, stoodstill and peeped out.
Papa stood at the door of mamma's room, and saw her at once. A pale,tear-stained, miserable little face it was that met his eye, andstirred his pity.
"My poor little woman!" he said, holding out his hand to her: "why, howwoe-begone you look. Have you been hiding because you were frightenedabout mamma? That was not worth while, and mamma has been asking foryou, and every one looking for you this ever so long. Come and seemamma, she is better now, and looks like herself again."
Carrie came forward, still with hesitating steps and hanging head; andher father, taking her hand, led her into mamma's room.
Mrs. Ransom lay upon the sofa, looking very white still, but with asmile upon her lips, and her eyes bright and life-like as usual; andthe timid glance which Carrie gave to her mother's face reassured hervery much.
Still she felt so guilty and conscious, such a longing to confess all,and yet so ashamed and afraid to do it, that her manner remained asconfused and downcast as ever.
Nellie stood behind her mother, leaning over the head of the couch,and looking troubled and anxious, but her face brightened when she sawCarrie.
Daisy, with the most solemn of faces, was seated in a little chairat mamma's feet, gazing silently at the pages of "Baxter's Saint'sRest," held upside down. Not one word could Daisy read, she barelyknew her letters; but she had found Baxter in the little rack whichheld mamma's books of devotional reading, her "prayers books," Daisycalled them; and believing any work she found there must be suitableto the day, and the state of mind she considered it proper to maintainwhile mamma was ill, she had possessed herself of it, and was now fullypersuaded that she was deriving great benefit from the contents thereof.
"So you ran away from mamma," said Mrs. Ransom, caressing Carrie's handas she buried her face in the sofa-pillows beside her mother's. "Didshe frighten you so? What a poor foolish mamma it is to be so startledat such a harmless little thing as a mouse, is it not, dearie? I hope Ishould not have been quite so foolish if I had been well and strong. Mypoor Carrie!"
Worse and worse! Here was mamma blaming herself and pitying her! Shecould say nothing, only nestle closer to her mother, and try to keepback the sobs which were struggling to find way.
Mrs. Ransom was quite well again by afternoon, and able to join thefamily at the dinner-table; but although the spirits of the otherchildren rose with her recovery, Carrie still continued dull anddispirited.
She accompanied her father and Nellie to church in the afternoon.Happening to turn his eyes towards her during the service, Mr. Ransomsaw her leaning her head listlessly against the back of the pew, whileher lips were quivering and tears slowly coursing one another downher cheeks. He wondered what could cause it. There was nothing in thesermon to touch her feelings, indeed she probably did not understandone word of it. He drew her towards him, and passing his arm about herlet her rest her head against his shoulder where she cried quietly fora few moments, and then, as if this had relieved her, dried her eyesand sat up.
Carrie had taken a resolution, and the very taking of it had done hergood, and made her feel less guilty and unhappy. Papa was so kind andgood that she began to think that after all perhaps it would not be sovery hard to tell him all, and confess how naughty she had been. Evenif he punished her very much, the punishment could not be worse to bearthan this, she thought. She would tell him as soon as they reachedhome, and she could find an opportunity to talk to him alone.
But alas for poor Carrie's hopes of unburdening her mind at once! Onthe way home from church a gentleman joined her father and went to thehouse with him, came in, stayed to tea, and actually remained all theevening, even long after her bedtime and Nellie's.
Nor was this the last drop in Carrie's cup.
Daisy met them at the gate when they returned from church, brimmingover with excitement, which was speedily taken down when the strangegentleman, laying his hand on her little round head, turned to herfather and said,--
"Your youngest son, Mr. Ransom?"
"My daughter,--another little daughter," said Mr. Ransom, quickly,knowing Daisy's sensitiveness on this point; but the wound was givenpast recall, and the stranger was henceforth looked upon as a mancapable of breaking any and every commandment among the ten.
"I s'pect that man never ermembers the Sabbaf day to keep it holy;and I don't b'lieve he ever says his p'ayers," said Daisy, severely,regarding him with an air of great offence as he walked on with herfather to the house.
"I think he does. I believe he's a very nice gentleman," said Nellie,much amused.
"No, I fink not," said Daisy, decidedly. "I b'ieve he slaps his wifefee times ev'y day. He has the look of it."
Nellie laughed outright.
"He hasn't any wife," she said.
"He'd do it if he had one then," persisted Daisy, who, in general themost forgiving and soft-hearted of little mortals, could not overlookthe offence of the visitor, "'cause he calls people sons. Augh! Peoplethat slap their wives so much that they kill 'em have to be took toprison," she added reflectively, and as if she found some consolationin the thought. "Hannah told me so. She knew a man that was."
"Hannah had no business to tell you such stories as that," said Nellie."Mamma wouldn't like it at all, Daisy."
"Then I'll tell her she mustn't do it," said Daisy; "but, Nellie, dopeople that kill mice have to be took to prison?"
"No," said Nellie, "mice are very troublesome and mischievous, so it isnot wrong to kill them. But it would be very wicked to tease them orhurt them more than we can help."
"I'm glad of that," said Daisy, "'cause I wouldn't like you and Carrieto go to prison."
"No, I should think not," said Nellie, "but Carrie and I did not kill amouse."
"Oh, yes! you did," said Daisy, "least you squeezed him up in the bedso he had to kill hisse'f afterwards."
"O Daisy!" said Nellie.
"It's the truf," answered Daisy, as one who knows. "Hannah found him'most dead in your bed this morning, 'tween the mattresses, and shesaid you must have put him there last night, but you didn't know it,and afterwards he killed hisse'f about it. I saw him when
he was dead,and going to be frowed away."
Nellie shuddered, the thought was very painful to her that the mouseshould have come to his death in such a way; but Carrie felt worsestill, and turning round and resting her arm upon the back of a rusticchair which stood beneath a tree, she laid her head upon it, and criedas she had done in the morning when she was hiding in the garret.Nellie comforted her as well as she could, but Carrie was hard tobe consoled; and felt as if she was never to hear the last of thoseunlucky mice, and the consequences of her own naughtiness.
Mr. Ransom sat up late that night, long after his visitor had left,and the family gone to rest. All his little children he supposed tobe long since fast asleep; and he was just preparing to turn out thelights and go upstairs himself, when a slight sound in the hall withoutattracted his attention. The patter of small bare feet it sounded like,and the patter of small bare feet it was, as he was assured a momentlater when a little white-clad figure presented itself at the opendoor, and looked wistfully at him with pitiful, beseeching eyes.
"Carrie! my child! are you ill? What is wrong?" he asked in muchsurprise.
"No, papa, not ill, but,--but"--Tears choked her voice, the little feetran over the floor, and she had clambered upon his knee, and with herface hidden in his bosom sobbed out her confession.
"I've been awake so long, papa," she said, "and I thought I never couldgo to sleep till I had told you, and I could not wait till morning, soI came out of my bed down here to find you. Oh! please forgive me, anddo you think mamma can ever forgive me for being so cruel to her, andtrying to think it was all nonsense about her being so afraid of mice?And then to think that poor little mouse was killed just for me! Nellieand I never knew he was there when we turned the bed over, but hewouldn't have been in our room if I had not brought the mice upstairs;and now Ruth says she don't know when we'll be rid of them, and mammawill be troubled and frightened with them for ever so long. And Nellieand Daisy have been real helps to mamma, and I talked so much abouthelping her too, but I've only been a bother and trouble to her, andnever did a thing for her after all."
All this, and much more, the sorrowful little penitent poured into herfather's ear.
Mr. Ransom had no mind to punish or scold her: he saw that she wasalready sufficiently punished by the remorse and anxiety she hadbrought upon herself, and he thought that this was likely to provea lasting lesson to her. Besides, the thing was quite a new offenceof its kind; for Carrie was generally not only obedient, but alsoregardful of what she believed to be her mother's wishes, whetherexpressed or not; and he did not desire to be hard with her now thatshe saw her fault so plainly, and was in such a humble, repentant frameof mind.
So although he talked seriously to her, he did so very kindly andquietly,--poor Carrie thought she had never known her father sokind,--nor did he talk very long that night, but soon carried her upto bed in his arms, quite soothed and comforted; and so great was therelief of the confession, that the poor little weary head was scarcelyon the pillow before she was fast asleep.
No sooner were she and Nellie awake in the morning than she told hersister the whole story, feeling that she could no longer keep thesecret from her, but making her promise not to tell the boys, lest theyshould tease her, which Carrie felt she could not bear.
The hardest of all was yet to come, the confession to her dear, gentle,tender mother. Mamma would look so surprised and grieved, would be soshocked to think she could be so cruelly thoughtless.
But it was gone through with bravely, not very steadily it is true, forCarrie's voice failed her more than once, but she did not attempt tohide or excuse any thing.
And oh! how much lighter her heart was when it was over, and mamma knewthe worst.
Perhaps Mrs. Ransom was not as much surprised as Carrie had expectedshe would be: it may be that she was prepared to hear the story whichCarrie had believed would shock and distress her so much; and thereadiness with which she granted her forgiveness but made her littledaughter feel all the more repentant for having been so heedless of hercomfort.
It was a healing repentance now, though, with the sting and bitternessgone from it; and Carrie felt as if she should never be fretful andcross again; no, not even with Ruth She would try to be so helpful,so considerate and good now, she thought; but she would make no "fuss"about it, or talk as though she meant to do such very fine things, onlyto fail after all perhaps.
Nellie and Daisy had said and promised far less than she had done, buttheir actions had spoken for them.
"What is that you are doing, Nellie?" she asked, when all the littlehousekeeping tasks accomplished, her reading and practising finished,Nellie brought her workbox and sat down to sew. "Why! those are theslippers mamma was going to work for Johnny, are they not?"
"Yes," said Nellie.
"And are you going to help her with them?"
"I am going to work them all," answered Nellie. "Mamma began them, butshe found it tired her eyes, and she was anxious that Johnny should notbe disappointed, so I told her I would work them."
Carrie sat a moment silent.
"And I suppose," she said at length, "that that was the reason you saidyou would not have time to make the bracket for mamma?"
"Yes," said Nellie, quietly.
"O Nellie!" said Carrie, "how much better you are than I am. You are areal, true help to mamma: you think of and you do what is really usefulto her, but you don't talk about doing such great things. And Daisy,too; when I think about her giving up her white mice that she reallyhad a right to keep, 'cause mamma said she could, I do feel too ashamedand mean for any thing. Nellie,"--after another little thoughtfulpause,--"do you think a good way to show mamma how sorry I am would beto spend all my saved-up money for mouse-traps?"
"Well, no, I don't," said Nellie. "I do not think that would do anygood, for papa has bought several this morning; and there is one setin every room in the house, so that we hope the mice will soon all becaught."
"Then what can I do to show mamma how sorry I am?" asked Carrie.
"I think mamma knows it already, dear; and the best way is just to becareful to think about what she would like, and then to be very sureto do it;--and--and I think one good way would be not to quarrel withRuth, and not to make trouble in the nursery."
"Ruth is so hateful," murmured Carrie.
"I don't think Ruth would be cross to you if you would be a little morepatient and good in the nursery," said Nellie. "You know, Carrie, dear,how often poor mamma has to go to the nursery to make peace, or to takethe baby, because you will not wait for what you want, or will notstand quiet to be dressed, or something like that."
"Yes," owned Carrie, half reluctantly, "and Ruth never does be crossto you or Daisy; and when I am good she is pretty decent. But, Nellie,such things as that do not seem like a real help."
"But they _are_ the best help: mamma says so, and I've found it outfor myself, Carrie," said Nellie.
"Nellie, would you ever have believed that I could do such a thing asto keep those mice?"
"I was surprised when you told me," answered her sister, "but I wasjust thinking, Carrie, that it was really not so very much worse thanthe way I behaved while I was studying so much and tiring myself outover those 'Bible subjects.' I think I was horrid to mamma and to allof you then."
"Yes, you were," said tactless Carrie.
"I was thinking so much more about being wise and knowing a great dealthan about being good and a help to mamma," continued Nellie, notoffended, though she had winced a little at Carrie's plain speaking,"that it seems to me now that I was almost as naughty as--as"--
"As I was to keep the mice?" said Carrie.
"Yes, as you were to keep the mice. I don't think I thought any moreabout mamma than you did, and I know several times I made a good dealof trouble for her which might have been helped if I had been morecareful."
"You've quite given up your Bible subjects, haven't you?" asked Carrie.
"Yes, I made up my mind to be contented with those I had. They
wouldshow Miss Ashton I had thought of what she said, but I know she wouldthink it was right for me to leave them. I've made up my mind too,Carrie, not to be so very anxious about my books and studies."
Here Daisy came running up to them.
"Nellie, what'll make me grow very fast?"
"I don't know," said Nellie: "what do you want to grow very fast for?"
"So I can have a birdie," said Daisy. "Papa said I was too little now,least he said he would give me one when I was bigger. If I was to plantmyse'f and then pour water on my foots like they do on the flowers'foots, then wouldn't I grow pretty fast?"
"No," said Nellie, "you'd only be all wet and muddy, and then you'd besick."
Daisy sighed.
"Oh, I do want a birdie so," she said. "I'd love my birdie more'n mywhite mice; oh! a great deal more. Nellie, if I was a birdie, or awhite mouse, would you love me the most?"
"I'd love you whatever you were," said Nellie, turning to kiss thesweet, dimpled cheek beside her: "I couldn't help it."
"If I was an ugly bug crawling about, would you love me?" questionedDaisy.
Nellie laughed.
"Yes, I'd try to," she answered.
"Nellie, if I was that ugly bug crawling about, would you smash me?"
"Not if you were not doing any harm," said Nellie. "That would becruel."
"I'm glad," said Daisy, with unmistakable signs of relief in theassurance. "I wouldn't like my sister to smash me even if I was a bug.Nellie, mamma said God sometimes made people sorry 'cause He thoughtit was good for 'em to make 'em better: does He send bugs and spiders'cause it is good for 'em too, and birdies just to make 'em glad?"
Daisy's questions were sometimes quite beyond Nellie's powers ofanswering: indeed they often puzzled older and wiser people. But shetried to explain to her little sister that even bugs and spiders weremade for some good purpose; and after this Daisy looked with morerespect upon those obnoxious creatures, and was even upon one occasionheard to say,--
"Good, little, very ugly spider, maybe God has some work for you to do,so I won't smash you, but let you do it."
While Nellie was talking to Daisy, Carrie rose and went in search ofher father. She found him in the library.
"Papa," she said, going close to him, "I think I ought to ask you togive my bird to Daisy. She deserves it a great deal more than I do forgiving up her white mice, and I do not think I ought to have it. Nelliewill take care of it for her, and she does want a bird so much."
Mr. Ransom lifted her upon his knee.
"You really think this, Carrie? You really wish that Daisy should haveyour bird?"
"Yes, papa, it really seems the most right for her to have it. Ithought so ever since you brought the birds home and she wanted one somuch, but I felt as if I could not tell you to give her mine; but now Ithink I would feel better if you let her have it instead of me."
"Do as you please, my dear child," said her father, kissing her. "Daisycertainly does deserve a reward for her self-sacrifice."
To describe Daisy's delight when Carrie took her up stairs, and leadingher up to the bird said that it was hers, would be quite impossible.
"Are you sure you don't mind, Carrie? Would you just as lieve I'dhave him, for my own?" she exclaimed. "Oh! I am so glad, so glad!When I have a camel wif two humps on his back, I'll give him to you,Carrie,--I really will."
The bird was henceforth called Daisy's, but I believe that he affordedquite as much satisfaction to the former little owner as he did to thepresent one; for she had the care of him as much as if she had kept himfor her own; and it was thought best that he should still hang in herroom so that he might not be separated from Nellie's bird.
* * * * *
And now good-by to my "Little Sunbeams." If they have shed light in anyshady places, brightened any youthful eyes, or cheered any innocenthearts; if they have poured even the faintest ray upon the safe andnarrow path which leadeth upward to Eternal Light,--the recompense isgreat; and may the blessing of the Master go with them, and prosperthem, it may be, for His glory.
* * * * *
Transcriber's Notes:
Punctuation errors repaired.
Page 17, "Neilie" changed to "Nellie" (Nellie ran down to meet)
Page 64, "reponsibility" changed to "responsibility" (of all thisresponsibility)
Page 74, "oppsite" changed to "opposite" (into the opposite)
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