All the Glory

  The boy smiled a little. “That’s Leo. He’s got some big ol’ hair. He likes to pick it out all the time. Says the chicks like it that way.” He rubbed his head from the back to the front. “My momma says no way can I walk around gettin’ all kinds of lint in my hair like that. She says I play too hard to pay the right amount of attention to my head.”

  I laughed. “She’s probably right. I think it’s more fun to play sports than brush your hair all the time.”

  “Yeah. I guess.” He looked at Jamahl and the three other football players who were approaching us. They were like a wall of angry muscle.

  “I’d like to talk to Leo,” I said in a rush. “Do you know how I can contact him?”

  The kid shrugged. “He doesn’t come ‘round no more. But he lives near me. I never see him, though.”

  “Where do you live?” I felt like a total creeper, asking this little dude where he lived, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. I was on the verge of getting to the bottom of things and that kept me going even when Jamahl and his three friends stood there like Little Man’s personal body guards.

  “You need to get gone,” one of them said to me.

  “You need to ease up on the steroids,” Bobby said from behind me.

  I turned around to warn him away but I was interrupted.

  “What’d you say, gay boy?”

  “Gay boy? Seriously? What decade are you living in, anyway? That is so not p.c.. It’s not even creative.” Bobby rolled his eyes. “But I’m going to let it slide since you’ve obviously been injecting the ‘roids right into your nut sack, and it’s affected your ability to think properly.” He turned to me. “Are we finished here?”

  I looked at the kid who was now partially hidden behind Jamahl.

  “She wanted to know where I live,” the boy said in a tiny voice.

  They all frowned at me, making me instantly feel like a total perv. Why did I want to know where he lived? What was I going to do … stalk his friend? My brain wasn’t putting all the pieces together yet, so I just ran on instinct until it was able to catch up.

  “I just wanted to send them some gift certificates for more shoes, Jesus, ease up.” I probably should have been a little disturbed at how easily that lie appeared and then rolled off my tongue, but I wasn’t. It was time to be a super-spy, CIA-style, and I wasn’t going to get there by playing a nun.

  “If you want to donate shoes or whatever, you do it at the center,” one of the less-intimidating looking guys said. “You don’t get to pick which kid gets the money; it goes into a group fund.”

  I pointed to the boy now standing next to Jamahl. “He got shoes in his size. Looks like they were bought specifically for him by the coach himself.”

  The boy’s head dropped, his chin resting on his chest now, but not before I saw the look of abject horror on his face.

  I was completely confused.

  “I gotta go,” he said, right before he took off running.

  “Where’s he going?” Jamahl asked, sounding just as confused as I was.

  “How the hell should I know?” answered the non-p.c. ‘roid lover.

  “Go get him and find out what his problem is.” Jamahl turned his attention to me. “And you can take off too. Ain’t nobody around here got any love for that murderer you’re hanging out with.”

  He turned to go, so I raised my voice to make sure he could hear me.

  “That guy used to be your friend. Don’t try to lie and say he wasn’t!”

  “Everybody makes mistakes!” he yelled back.

  “EXACTLY!” I screamed. I might have sounded like a deranged mental patient, but it didn’t matter. He just kept walking and the rest of the crowd turned their backs on us. None of them were willing to forgive the kind of mistake that Jason had made, and I really couldn’t blame them. I still wasn’t exactly sure what made it so easy for me.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  “WHAT IN THE HELL WAS that all about?” Bobby asked, handing me back my nachos when we were climbing the stairs to the stands.

  “I need to find that kid.” I was running through my options in my mind, not paying any attention to where we were going.

  “What kid? The one with the shoes?” Bobby pushed me to the right, selecting a row for us to sit in. Several kids saw us sitting down and got up to move, leaving the entire section empty except for Bobby and me. Bastards.

  “No. The other one who wasn’t there.”

  Bobby sat down and pulled me down with him. “Explain yourself or I’m taking all your nachos away.”

  I handed him the paper box. “Here. Take them. I don’t want them anymore anyway.”

  Bobby took the paper and stared down into it with the saddest look on his face.

  “What? What’s the problem? You don’t want them?” I started to take them back, but he pulled them out of my reach.

  “You have changed, like completely.” He looked up and stared at me. “You used to say I’d have to pry the nachos from your cold dead hands before I could have any. Now you’re just giving them away.”

  Hearing I’d changed completely should have been a compliment, but the way he said it, it didn’t feel that way. There was definite condemnation in his tone.

  Trying not to get annoyed, I leaned back a little and asked, “What’s going on with you?” This was my little deflection technique I brought out during those times I didn’t feel like talking about me. The subject of me was too complicated right now for self-examination and Bobby picking at me was sure to bring out the angry version of my new self.

  “It’s not me that has things going on, soul-sister, it’s you.” He looked me up and down. “You’re all buff and you’re not eating nachos and you’re picking fights with football players twice your size, and now you sound like you’re considering stalking a child. I’m seriously worried about you.”

  The anxiety that had built up inside me over the confrontation with Jamahl and his meat-head buddies spilled over. “I haven’t changed that much, okay? My eyes have been opened, but that’s a good thing! And I’m not stalking anyone!”

  Several heads from three rows down turned around to see what all the fuss was about.

  I lowered my voice. “I’m fine. I’m better than fine. I would have thought you’d be proud of me for all the weight I’ve lost. I can bench almost a hundred pounds now.”

  Bobby put the nachos down on the seat next to him and pulled me into a hug. “I am proud of you. You look amazing, like I’ve already told you about ten times. And I know Jason is behind it, so I’m really happy towards him too.”

  “And yet you say he’s a bad influence.” I felt like all the wind had been taken from my sails. Jason had changed my life for the better and everyone in the world hated him except for me and his dad. In a sick and twisted way I saw that as the world preferring I’d stayed fat and alone.

  “He’s not really a bad influence, he’s just …”

  I waited for the rest, but it didn’t come.

  “He’s just what? Finish your sentence.”

  Bobby sighed. “I’m afraid it will make you angry.”

  “Since when has that ever stopped you?”

  “Since you grew up!” he yelled.

  We both stared at each other, searching each other’s eyes. He had blue eyeliner on that day. I can remember it as if it were in front of me right now.

  “I’m still three months away from my birthday,” I said, trying to argue a point he was making that I didn’t really understand. “I won’t be an adult until then.”

  “You became an adult the minute you went over to see Jason in prison.”

  His words brought a profound sadness with them. After hearing Bobby say that, it all became very clear that the last bits of my childhood had been stolen away from me. The me that started high school this year was completely unlike the me who sat on the stadium bench waiting for a football game to start. I was a different person, outside and in. I used to pray that would happen, that adulthood w
ould hurry up and get to me; now I wished it would go away and let me be a kid for a little while longer.

  “Are you going to tell me what the big deal is with this kid or what?” he asked.

  I was grateful for the change of subject, so I started talking immediately. “That kid with the red shoes knows the kid who I think was Jason’s charity kid brother or whatever they call them.”

  “I believe the term is little brother.”

  “Whatever. I need to find that kid.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know.” I started biting my fingernail, trying to find a spot that wasn’t already gone. It was hopeless; at this point I was left with just cuticles to destroy.

  “Is it something to do with Jason?”

  “Yes, of course it is. Isn’t everything?” I admitted then to myself and Bobby that Jason had become my life. I never went anywhere anymore unless it was to see him or get something for him. It probably should have made me bitter, but it didn’t. It felt good. It felt right.

  Bobby sighed. “Yes, unfortunately.”

  I ignored that comment.

  “So what is it?” he pressed.

  “I can’t say.”

  “Why? Is it a big secret?”

  The football players for both teams came out onto the field in a steady stream, and the school band began playing some horn-heavy song that got people stomping their feet.

  “I don’t know,” I looked at Bobby and shrugged, “I just want to meet him and talk to him.”

  Bobby narrowed his eyes at me. “You’re not telling me everything.”

  “I’m telling you that I want to meet him and talk to him. He was Jason’s friend or little brother or whatever, and yet he’s never contacted Jason that I know of and he’s quit going to that club. That has to mean something.” Everything means something. Nothing is random. Being with Jason and living through his tragedy on the sidelines had taught me that.

  “Maybe he got let down along with everyone else. Maybe he’s broken-hearted. That seems like a natural reaction to me. Of course he’d want to be away from the source of all that pain.”

  “Sure, of course it is.” My balloon burst. Bobby was making complete sense and I wasn’t. A lot of the spark left my voice. “I guess I just want to know for sure, and I want him to know that if he wants to visit Jason, I could help with that.”

  Bobby crossed his eyes for a second. Then he frowned at me. “You want to bring a little kid over to visit a murderer?” He shook his head as he looked out onto the field. “Jesus, you really are losing it.”

  I stood up so fast I knocked Bobby sideways.

  “What?” he said, surprised.

  “You know what, Bobby?!” I was so upset I could hardly see straight. “Next time I want your opinion on anything, I’ll ask for it.” I sidestepped down the row until I reached the aisle. “In the meantime, you can stick it!”

  “Wait … what? Where are you going? Are you leaving?! But I don’t want to stick it! Don’t leave, Katy!” he yelled behind me.

  I ran down the steps as fast as I could, ignoring the annoyed looks I was getting and the rowdy crowd farther down in the stands having a great old time while I fell part inside.

  Bobby had always been my biggest fan and most loyal supporter, but now it felt like he belonged with all of these people and I belonged in Jason’s house, living like a social hermit with zero chance at future happiness.

  I had lost everything from my old life, and it was hard even for me to believe that I had gained anything by being Jason’s one and only supporter. It felt like I had, but all the evidence in front of me said otherwise. I’d never been so alone in my life.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  JASON TEXTED ME USING HIS dad’s phone to ask if I wanted to come over and work out, but I lied and said I had to go to Bobby’s to work on a biology project.

  It galled me to have to do it, but I texted Bobby and told him to cover for me if Jason called him. I hadn’t spoken to Bobby since Friday when I stormed off at the football game, ignoring all his texts, calls, and emails. I hadn’t cooled down enough to forgive him, and I didn’t want to say anything else I’d regret. We’d both already said plenty.

  I was walking out the door to get into my car when Bobby pulled into my driveway. I couldn’t ignore him because he was blocking me in. He rolled down his window and stuck his arm and head out.

  “What are you doing here?” I said in an emotionless voice. “I told you I needed you to cover for me.”

  “What’s better cover than me coming to pick you up?” He grinned hugely.

  I refused to be charmed. “If you’re thinking that I’m blowing Jason off because I don’t want to be with him, then you’re wrong.”

  “I wasn’t thinking that. I was thinking that if it’s so important that you’d risk lying to your new best friend, then it must be something really big that I should be there for.”

  A lump grew to the size of a whole walnut in my throat. My eyes stung with tears. My voice was raw when it finally started working. “That was a low blow, even for you.”

  He rubbed his windowsill with his finger and shrugged. “Hey, what can I say? I’m not a very nice person when someone breaks my heart.”

  I hugged myself around the middle, turning a little so he wouldn’t see my face.

  “Are you going to get in the car or what?” he said a minute later.

  “Why should I?” I asked, my voice still shaky.

  “Because there’s a telephoto lens pointed in this direction and your blotchy complexion is going to be plastered all over the front page of the paper if you don’t hide it soon.”

  I choked out a laugh and then turned to go to my car. “I have to go. Move out of my way.”

  “Sorry. My car won’t work unless you’re in it.”

  “Bobby!” I screamed, spinning to face him.

  “Katy!” he screamed back.

  I could see tears in his eyes. That’s when I knew I could push this too far, and hurting Bobby was the last thing I’d ever want to do in my life.

  I swung my purse off my shoulder and slammed it down on my trunk, glaring at him. “You are so pushy, you know that?”

  “Get in my car, bitch. I don’t have all day.”

  I had to bite my tongue to stop from laughing. When Bobby called me bitch, it meant I was forgiven and life was going to go back to normal, and I really needed some normal in my life.

  I grabbed my bag and wound my way around the cars to get to the passenger side of his. Opening the door I bent over and stuck my head inside. “You aren’t going to be happy about where we’re going.”

  He shrugged and looked out the front windshield. “Wherever you go, I follow. BFF Code. I don’t play when it comes to The Code.”

  I got in and buckled up.

  “Where to, Mistress Bitchness?”

  “South side. Downtown.”

  Bobby tipped his head down and looked at me, pretending he was looking over glasses. “Are you completely off the range now?”

  “Just go. And hurry up. It’s almost lunchtime. Church is going to be over soon.”

  “Church? Oh boy. This should be interesting.”

  Bobby put the car in reverse and drove me downtown. I figured I’d start my hunt for the boy with the afro there and see what I could turn up.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  “YOU KNOW, YOUR FACE HAS been all over the news for months. People are going to recognize you.” Bobby and I were sitting in his car, parked outside a Lutheran church just two blocks down from the Boys’ Center.

  “No they’re not,” I said, opening up my big bag. “I brought a disguise.” I winked at him as I put on one of my dad’s baseball hats and a pair of big sunglasses I’d taken from my mother’s glove compartment.

  “Do you have an elastic to put your hair up with?”

  I nodded, finding a lost scrunchy in the bottom of my purse. I quickly threw my hair up into a bun and secured it under the bottom edge of the hat.
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  “How do I look?”

  “Totally incognito. Who are you again?”

  I grinned. “Guckenberger. Katy Guckenberger. Super spy extraordinaire.”

  He snorted. “Super dork, maybe.”

  Bobby and I got out of the car and went into the church, slipping into the last pew as quietly as possible. My eyes scanned the interior of the place, going from pew to pew, stopping whenever they got to a small kid about the size I imagined the boy with the afro to be.

  “What are we doing exactly?” Bobby whispered.

  “Looking for the boy with the afro.”

  Bobby pointed. “There’s one over there.”

  I grabbed his finger and yanked his hand down to the spot between us. “Try to be a tiny bit less obvious next time,” I said through gritted teeth.

  “Ahhh, we’re going super-spy on this one.”

  “Yes. Super-spy, super-chill, super-not-obvious.”

  An older lady with gray hair and a blue hat with plastic fruit on it turned around and glared at us.

  “Sorry,” I whispered, shrinking down into my shoulders.

  All of the kids in this place were too little to be the one I was looking for, and we had three more churches in the vicinity to check out before I was ready to give up.

  “Come on,” I whispered to Bobby. “Let’s bail.”

  He slid out behind me and followed me out of the church.

  “And why exactly are we hunting down a boy with an afro?”

  “I told you already … he was Jason’s friend and I need to talk to him.”

  “Can you tell me why?”

  “No, I can’t.”

  “I’m not gonna lie … that hurts my feelings to know that you’re keeping secrets from me. You’ve never done that before.”

  He said it in kind of a joking tone, but I knew better. I stopped and put my hand on his arm. “Jason told me some things in confidence that led me to believe I might learn some more things about what happened that night during the incident from this kid.”