Can't Wait to Get to Heaven

  “No, she’s perfectly fine. Her conversation is slightly disjointed, but that is entirely consistent with someone her age, so I wouldn’t be concerned about that.”

  Norma said, “Oh, I’m not, Doctor, her conversation was always slightly disjointed, long before this.”

  When they went back inside, Dr. Lang walked over to Elner. “I have to take off now, but I wanted to say good-bye before I left.”

  “I’m so glad you did. I wanted you to meet Linda.”

  The doctor then looked at Linda. “So your aunt tells me you live in St. Louis, is that right?”

  “Yes,” she said.

  “I see.” Then he turned back to Elner. “Well, good luck, Mrs. Shimfissle. Don’t be falling out of any more trees, OK?”

  Elner laughed. “No, I won’t. I have a feeling my fig picking days are over.”

  After the Warrens visited for a while, they concluded that Elner was doing well enough for Linda to go back home, and Macky and Linda left for the airport.

  The second they walked out the door, Elner suddenly became very excited and said to Norma, “Lock the door, Norma. Hurry before the nurse comes back, I’ve just been wanting to get you alone, I’ve got something to tell you. Hurry up.”

  Norma walked over and locked the door and then came closer to the bed. “What is it?”

  Elner said, “I know you’re mad at me for falling off the ladder, but when you hear what I have to tell you, you’ll be so glad I did, you’ll thank me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you know the old saying ‘I felt like I just died and went to heaven’?”

  “Yes?”

  “Well…I really did!”

  “Did what?”

  “Died and went to heaven! I wanted you to be the first to know. Aren’t you happy? And oh, Norma,” Elner said, with her eyes shining, “I just wish you could have been with me to see how wonderful it all is! I know how you worry about your health and dying, but now you won’t have to be scared ever again, because people don’t ever stop, we just go on and on forever…. Isn’t that just the best news?”

  Norma said, “Well, yes, honey, we all hope that’s true, but—”

  Elner interrupted her. “Oh, it is! And you’ll never guess in a million years who I saw.”

  “Who?”

  “Your mother!”

  “My mother?”

  “And guess what else? She knows Tot did her hair.”

  Now Norma was alarmed. “What?”

  “Yes, but don’t worry about it, I smoothed it over, and after that I had a nice visit with Neighbor Dorothy and Raymond. You remember Neighbor Dorothy?”

  Norma, who at this point was totally confused by the conversation, said, “Of course I remember Neighbor Dorothy…but I don’t understand what you are talking about…. Who’s Raymond?”

  “Dorothy’s husband.”

  When Elner said that, Norma realized what was going on and said, “Oh, Aunt Elner, you must have been having some sort of dream, honey. Don’t you remember, Neighbor Dorothy’s husband was named Robert.”

  Elner said, “Well, I can’t help that he looks like her first husband, but she’s married to Raymond now, and it was no dream, Norma. Dorothy was as alive as you and I are right now. And I saw Ginger Rogers and Princess Mary Margaret, Dorothy’s old cocker spaniel. There are dogs and cats up there too. Isn’t that good news? And, oh, I had a nice visit with Ernest Koonitz, and Thomas Edison stopped in to say hello.”

  Norma sank down in the chair. “Oh dear God,” thought Norma as an excited Elner continued, telling her in great detail everything that had happened from the moment she got onto the elevator until she floated up off the porch and over to the hospital and woke up back in her room. When Elner finished, she looked at Norma with a big smile and exclaimed, “So, what do you think about that? I was dead down here, but still going up there!”

  Norma sat there in a daze, not really sure what to say, and just stared at Elner with a pained little expression for a moment. Then Norma asked, “Aunt Elner…are you sure you were really dead?”

  “How should I know, honey? I’m not a medical expert, I’m just a person, all I know is what I saw, and who I talked to, and imagine, Tom Edison came to see me! He is the nicest man, so humble.”

  “Oh my God,” Norma thought again. The doctor had been totally wrong. Aunt Elner’s brain had been damaged. The poor thing really believed she had been to heaven and talked to dead people. Norma knew this was a serious situation with untold consequences and that she would have to tread lightly, so she reached over and took Elner’s hand and asked sweetly, “Aunt Elner, have you told anybody else about your…visit?”

  “No, not yet, I wanted you to be the first to know.”

  Norma forced a small smile. “And I’m so glad, but, sweetheart, I really think it would be best if you didn’t mention this to anyone else, OK?”

  Elner was taken aback. “Why?”

  “Well, just promise me that this will be our little secret. All right? Will you do that for me?”

  “But why? Shouldn’t everybody know? I have a few messages I was supposed to deliver.”

  “Aunt Elner…Please, if you love me, just promise me that you won’t tell anybody about seeing polka-dotted squirrels or Thomas Edison or any of the rest, OK?”

  “But why? I don’t understand.”

  Norma was firm. “Just trust me, Aunt Elner, I have my reasons.”

  Elner was disappointed. “All right, Norma, I promise but—”

  At that moment the nurse knocked loudly on the door. “Mrs. Warren, you have a phone call at the desk.”

  Norma, still somewhat addled, went outside and picked up the phone. It was Louise Franks.

  “How is Elner? Is she all right?”

  Norma said, “Oh, Louise, she’s doing just fine. They did a lot of tests and everything looks good, no broken bones, just a few bruises and wasp stings, but other than that she’s OK.”

  A much relieved Louise said, “Well, thank the Lord. I’ve been worried to death.”

  “Well, don’t worry, everything else seems to be fine,” she lied again. “I’ll tell her you called, Louise.”

  “Oh, please do, and tell her Polly and I are sending her all our love.”

  “I will.”

  “Do you think she’ll be home for Easter?”

  “I’m not sure, but I’ll let you know.”

  Norma hung up, and thought, “Aunt Elner might be home for Easter, if she keeps her mouth shut and they don’t cart her off to the loony bin first.”

  As Norma turned around she saw a familiar face smiling at her.

  “Mrs. Warren?” he said. “I wonder if I might have a word with you.”

  She did not want to talk to him, but even under stress Norma was polite. She knew who he was. She had seen his ad on television enough times. Gus Shimmer, the largest lawyer in town, as he liked to call himself. Macky said he was one of those ambulance chasers, but as much as she wanted to get back in the room with Aunt Elner, she sat down with him and let him run through his entire speech, while she kept an eye on the door to Elner’s room.

  After he finished she said, “I appreciate your concern, Mr. Shimmer, but we’re just grateful she is alive, thank you for coming.”

  Shimmer, not to be put off, said, “Mrs. Warren, I don’t think you quite realize what mental and emotional stress this mishap—or as I prefer to call it, this gross case of negligence and malpractice—has placed on you and your family.”

  “Listen, believe me, I do know, better than anybody…. It’s going to take a week to write all those thank-you cards for the flowers alone, but really, I don’t want to sue anybody. All I know is, that poor doctor certainly didn’t do anything on purpose.”

  “Mrs. Warren,” he said, “in a situation like this, purpose is neither here nor there, the fact is that it did happen and in their hospital. To pronounce a patient dead when she is still alive is certainly more than grounds for a lawsuit—a majo
r lawsuit. And if you let me handle this, I can guarantee you that by the time we get through, you might very well own this entire hospital.”

  Norma looked at him, puzzled. “Why would I want to own a hospital?” she asked while still watching the door. “No, I just wouldn’t feel right about it.”

  “How would you feel about twenty-five, or depending on the jury we can get, maybe as high as fifty million dollars? Would that make you feel any better?”

  Suddenly Norma did not like the tone of his voice, and turned to him and said, “Mr. Shimmer, I’m not a fool. Who wouldn’t like to have that kind of money? But to get it by ruining a doctor’s life and costing these people so much. No, I just couldn’t do it, not and sleep at night. I’m sorry but you are wasting your time.” She stood up to leave.

  Shimmer stood up and said, “Maybe I should talk to your husband and explain to him. He might make you understand a little more clearly.”

  “I do understand, and I am trying to tell you just as politely as I know how, I’m really not interested in suing anybody, and my husband isn’t either.”

  Mr. Shimmer looked over at the door to Elner’s room. “Then I suppose I will have to go straight to Mrs. Shimfissle. After all, she is the injured party here.”

  Norma felt her face flush. “Do what you think you have to, but I can tell you she is not suing anybody, except maybe you, for harassment of an old sick lady. She might even get a restraining order against you, and have you thrown out of the hospital, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.”

  After Shimmer waddled away in a huff, Norma was glad she had watched so many Perry Mason shows with Aunt Elner, because she had pulled out some legal terms she didn’t even know she knew. She hoped she had not hurt Mr. Shimmer’s feelings, but some people just force you to be rude. Then it dawned on her, for the first time in her life, she had finally put her foot down about something.

  A Disturbing Call

  9:48 AM

  Upstairs in the executive offices, Franklin Pixton had just received a disturbing phone call and had called his lawyer again.

  “Gus Shimmer was here. Somebody spotted him talking to Mrs. Warren. Should we be worried?”

  Winston Sprague thought a moment, then said, “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to get a deposition from the old lady, in case Shimmer tries to make trouble.”

  “What about Mrs. Warren?”

  “Give me an hour, then think of something to get her out of the room for a while. It’s better if she’s not there.”

  An hour later Norma, still somewhat thrown for a loop, was trying to act as normal as possible, considering that Aunt Elner was convinced she had died and gone to heaven. Norma and the nurse were busy rearranging the flowers around the room when there was a knock on the door.

  “Mrs. Warren?” said an attractive older woman in a gray dress.

  “Yes?”

  “I’m Brenda Hampton, Mr. Pixton’s assistant, and he’s wondering if you could come upstairs to the office.”

  “Oh. Well, I hate to leave my aunt, I just got here.”

  Unfortunately, Elner piped up. “You go on, Norma, I’m fine.” Norma really did not want to go. She was still concerned about Aunt Elner telling someone about her trip, but she couldn’t be rude, so she reluctantly went upstairs with the woman.

  As soon as Winston Sprague saw Miss Hampton and Mrs. Warren get on the elevator, he and paralegal Kate Packer walked into Elner’s room. “Good morning, Mrs. Shimfissle,” he said. “How are we today?”

  Elner said, “Just fine, thank you, and how are you?”

  “Fine. Are they taking good care of you?”

  “Oh, yes. I had a good breakfast, right here in bed.”

  Sprague turned to the nurse and indicated rather rudely that he wanted her out of the room.

  After she left, he said, “Mrs. Shimfissle, we need to ask a few questions. It’s just boring legal stuff, but we need to get it down on record.”

  Elner said, “Oh well, if it’s legal, maybe we should wait for my niece, she handles all my paperwork.”

  “No, we really don’t need her to be here, and this will only take a minute. Go ahead, Kate,” said Sprague, snapping his fingers at her. “This is Miss Packer. She’ll be asking the questions.”

  Miss Packer, an efficient-looking young woman in a blue business suit, came over and sat by the bed.

  “Mrs. Shimfissle, do you swear that the facts you are about to state are the truth and nothing but the truth?”

  “Oh, sure,” said Elner, raising her right hand. Then she looked at Miss Packer. “Aren’t you going to make me swear on the Bible?”

  “No, that’s not necessary. State your full name, please.”

  Elner held out her arm. “Look for yourself, here’s my name written out on my wristband, only they misspelled Shimfissle.”

  “Just skip to the questions, Kate,” said Sprague, who was standing by the door making sure no one came in.

  Miss Packer looked put out. She liked to do things by the book, but she did what he said.

  “Could you please state the events of the morning of April first to the best of your recollection?”

  “Yes, I can,” said Elner. “I woke up, and as usual had my coffee with Macky. After that, I had just finished jotting down the question of the day on the Bud and Jay show. It was ‘How tall is the Empire State Building?’ So I thought I’d call my niece Dena in California and ask her, she used to live in New York, and she sent me a paperweight with the Empire State Building inside, so I figured she might know. It’s not cheating, they say you can phone a friend. The trick is to be the first to call with the right answer, and I was just about to pick up the phone when that nice lady Mrs. Reid from up the street brought me a basket of cherry tomatoes, and I said, ‘Oh, won’t you come in and sit awhile?’ And she said no, that she had to get on back home. Her husband had just had all his teeth pulled and wasn’t feeling so well, so she needed to run to the store real fast and pick up some apple sauce, and I said, ‘Well, thank you so much—’”

  Miss Packer was busy taking down every word, but Sprague was impatient and started cracking his knuckles. “Uh, Mrs. Shimfissle…you can skip that part. We really need more about the accident.”

  Elner said, “Well, I’m getting to that part. So after Mrs. Reid left, it occurred to me that she might like some fresh fig preserves, and I thought about calling Macky, but I hated to bother him for a few—”

  “Then what happened?” Sprague interrupted her again.

  “Then I went out and got up the ladder and I was reaching for a fig, when all of a sudden here comes a load of wasps right at me. I remember thinking to myself ‘Uh-oh,’ and then the next thing I knew, I looked up and saw people in green shower hats leaning over me and talking a mile a minute.”

  “Do you recall what they were saying?” asked Miss Packer.

  “No, because I didn’t have my hearing aid on, I just knew they were talking because their lips were moving. Then I wondered where Norma and Macky were, and if she was going to take my ladder privileges away, and then I took a nap.”

  Miss Packer looked up. “Yes?”

  “And then the next thing I knew, I woke up in a dark room. I waited for somebody to come get me but they never did, so I just lay there for a while.”

  “Did you push your call button for help?” asked Miss Packer.

  “No, at the time I didn’t even know I had a call button. If I had known I had one, I would have pushed it.”

  “How long did you wait?”

  “I don’t know. It was dark and I didn’t have my watch on, but it seemed like a long time, and after a while I started to wonder if they might have misplaced me or something so I got up and went down the hall looking for somebody, but there was nobody there.”

  Sprague interrupted again. “Mrs. Shimfissle, are you aware that the nurses say they never left the nurses’ station?”

  She looked over at him. “Well, honey, I don’t know what to tell you, because when
I came out, there was nobody there.”

  “Is it possible that you could have somehow slipped by them without them seeing you?” he asked.

  “Anything’s possible, I guess. But I’m a big heavyset woman, so I would be hard to miss, don’t you think? Besides, I was calling out asking if anybody was there. If they didn’t see me, they would have heard me.”

  “What specifically did you call out?” asked Miss Packer.

  “I said, ‘Yoo hoo, anybody here?’”

  “How loudly did you say it?” asked Miss Packer.

  “I didn’t shout it at the top of my lungs. I didn’t want to wake anybody up. But I said it loud enough for somebody to hear me if they had been there.”

  “Mrs. Shimfissle, is it possible that you were confused and just think you left your room?” asked Sprague, peeping out the crack of the door.

  “All I can tell you is what I remember, and I’m under oath.” Elner looked at Miss Packer.

  “Are you a candy striper?”

  “No, ma’am, I’m a paralegal.”

  “My late husband Will’s cousin in Mount Sterling, Kentucky, was a candy striper, worked her way up the ranks until she was running the hospital gift shop. From bedpans to gift shop manager in less than two years, that’s pretty good, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, it is,” said Miss Packer.

  “Then what happened?” Sprague shot an impatient look at the paralegal.

  Miss Packer asked, “What happened next, Mrs. Shimfissle?”

  Elner had been hoping Miss Packer wouldn’t ask that. She was now in a real dilemma. She had to make a decision whether to lie under oath and break the law, or break her promise to Norma.

  And so she decided to apply the “What they don’t know won’t hurt them rule,” and left out the part about visiting with everybody and skipped on to the end and said, “Well, I remember just floating around in the air above the hospital.”

  Kate looked up from her pad, not quite sure what she had just heard. “Above the hospital?”

  “Yes, and I just kind of hovered up there in the air for a few minutes, kind of like a hummingbird.”