It's Illegal, But It's Okay

cocksucker. (angry) What do you want? (gesticulating) W-h-a-t d-o y-o-u w-a-n-t? (pause) M-o-t-h-e-r-f-u-c-k-e-r!

  (FAGNER reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper that he extends to OMAN.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — Garbage? Are you looking for a trash can?

  (FAGNER unfolds the piece of paper and shows it to OMAN again. In the piece of paper is written: “Clerk wanted. No experience is required”. And just below. “Se busca empleado temporal. No és necesario tener experiencia”.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — (angry) Hey, I printed that! You took it from my front door! Put it back!

  (FAGNER takes a few steps back, startled.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — (finally understands) Oh, I see now. You're looking for a job, right? And you have no experience...

  FAGNER — (pointing to the paper, excited) Yes! I have no experience! No tener experiencia!

  OMAN — And you have no green card, you're an alien and you do not speak English.

  FAGNER — (enthusiastic) Yes! I don't speak English!

  OMAN — I know. Sorry, but you 'no good' for this job.

  (OMAN takes the piece of paper out of FAGNER's hands.)

  FAGNER — (desperately) I am your man!

  (OMAN turns back to the counter. FAGNER runs and stands face to face with OMAN.)

  FAGNER (CONT'D) — You are my man!

  OMAN — Alien and gay. A gay alien...

  FAGNER — (even more enthusiastic) I have no experience! "Usted puede me enseñar".

  OMAN — (angry) What do you think? I'm not a fucking Mexican!

  FAGNER — No! I am from BRAZIL!

  OMAN — I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH! My last employee wrote this.

  (FAGNER reaches into the back of his pants. OMAN raises his arms and closes his eyes.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — Please, don't shoot me!

  (FAGNER takes a small dictionary stuck in the back of his pants. FAGNER opens the dictionary to a marked page. He reads.)

  FAGNER — You... can... teach... me.

  (OMAN breathes relieved.)

  OMAN — Yes, I can teach you...

  (OMAN pulls out a shotgun hidden behind the counter and points it at FAGNER.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — (very angry) Motherfucker! Get out of my store, son of a bitch!

  (Suddenly, OMAN stops.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — It's a shame you don't understand my swearing. (angry again) Get out! Don't waste my time, fucking stupid Brazilian!

  (Right at this moment, RACHEL, a beautiful American blonde enters the stage and shouts in shock.)

  RACHEL — Oh, my god!

  (FAGNER stares at RACHEL and, immediately, falls in love with her. Musical theme is played.)

  RACHEL (CONT'D) — What are you doing?

  FAGNER — (searching and reading a pocket dictionary) He/

  RACHEL — (cuts him off) Not him. YOU! I know Omar...

  OMAN — My name is Oman.

  RACHEL — I've known this man for a very long time. He's a good Pakistani.

  OMAN — (holding his temper) I'm Iranian.

  RACHEL — (to Oman) Whatever, you know what I mean. (to Fagner) You're doomed! He only kills people for a very, very good reason.

  OMAN — Indeed! It was him or me. And I was married, I had children. And I didn't know she was also married... To an Ayatollah. That's how I became a fugee.

  RACHEL — What?!

  OMAN — Forget it. It was a long time ago in Iran.

  (FAGNER kneels down before RACHEL and begs for his life.)

  FAGNER — (exasperated in Portuguese) Por favor, me ajuda, dona! Eu não fiz nada! Eu só queria um emprego! Eu sou inocente!

  RACHEL — (stares at Oman) What the hell was that?

  OMAN — I have no idea! He is kinda crazy, you know?

  (FAGNER makes the sign of the cross.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — And looks very religious too.

  RACHEL — Oh, no! Some kind of fanatic fundamentalist?

  OMAN — Sort of. He's from Brazil.

  RACHEL — (smiles) Brazil? Really?

  OMAN — I know. Brazil is full of terrorists. I 'saw' once on the internet.

  (FAGNER smiles relieved. Stands up, grabs a box and starts to play it as if it were a tambourine, but without any rhythm. Then he forgets the lyrics.)

  FAGNER — (singing in Portuguese) "Brasil! Meu Brasil brasileiro! Lalaiá-lalaiá. Vou cantar laiá-laiá-laiá!"

  (RACHEL and OMAN stare at FAGNER in disbelief.)

  OMAN — I know! He stinks. (smiles) And what can I do for you today, Miss Rachel?

  FAGNER — Rachel? "Friends"! Ross! Monica! Joey! Chandler! Phoebe!

  OMAN — (cuts him off) Shut your mouth! Cala-te! (to Rachel) Don't worry. I can get rid of him.

  RACHEL — In this case...

  (RACHEL looks around and chooses some goods. Then she puts them on the counter.)

  RACHEL (CONT'D) — I'm going to take this... This... And this too. Well, I would also like that pack of cigarettes behind you.

  OMAN — (surprised) I've never seen you smoking. Are you a smoker?

  RACHEL — Yeah! But I'm trying to quit. Tony hates cigarettes.

  OMAN — Tony? Who is Tony?

  RACHEL — My new boyfriend.

  FAGNER — Yes! Friends! Rachel!

  OMAN AND RACHEL — (points his gun at Fagner) Shut up!

  RACHEL — (to Oman) He's an Italian American Mormon.

  OMAN — (surprised) An Italian American Mormon? I thought all Italians were Catholics!

  RACHEL — He's converted. The Mormons can be very persuasive.

  OMAN — (nicely to Rachel) Which pack of cigarette would you like?

  RACHEL — That one, over there. The red one. Next to the green one.

  (Suddenly, OMAN stops in fear. He hesitates between the red and the green pack of cigarettes because OMAN is color-blind.)

  RACHEL (CONT'D) — It's the red one! Red! The pack just beside the green one! Any problem?

  OMAN — (a little embarrassed) I have a little problem with my eyes...

  (FAGNER stands up, walks over to the counter carefully.)

  FAGNER — (to Oman) I know colors! Posso? I can?

  (OMAN lowers the rifle. FAGNER leans over and reaches out the red pack of cigarettes.)

  RACHEL — How much?

  OMAN — How much he knows? Nothing at all.

  RACHEL — How much for all these things.

  OMAN — (strong accent) It's thirty dollars.

  (RACHEL pretends not to understand OMAN's accent.)

  RACHEL — What?

  (OMAN tries to pronounce "TH" but it sounds more like a "T" sound.)

  OMAN — Thirty dollars.

  RACHEL — Thirteen dollars?

  OMAN — Thir-ty.

  RACHEL — Third what?

  OMAN — Thiiiiiiirrrrr-ty.

  RACHEL — Dirty? I beg your pardon!

  (OMAN tries to pronounce "TH" but it sounds more like an "S" sound.)

  OMAN — 'Ssssiiiiiirty'

  RACHEL — Search?

  OMAN — Ten/

  RACHEL — Ten or thirteen?

  OMAN — Ten three/

  RACHEL — Ten trees?

  OMAN — Three times!

  RACHEL — Sorry, I don't understand.

  OMAN — Thir... (gives up) ...teen. Ok. Give me thirteen dollars.

  (RACHEL gives OMAN the money and leaves the stage.)

  RACHEL — Have a good one!

  (After RACHEL leaves the stage.)

  OMAN — You too, bitch! Have a good and huge dick in your fucking pussy, whore! She 'sinks' I'm a fool.

  (Now, OMAN turns his attention to FAGNER and shouts at him, mad.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — (mad) You son of a bitch! You made me lose seventeen dollars.

  FAGNER — I/

  OMAN — (cuts him off) I know you don't speak English! Fuck me! Me neither...

  FAGNER — Eu sei o que é "tri". "Tri" é três. (starts looking up the dictionary) I know three. (showi
ng three fingers) Three is uno, duno, trino.

  OMAN — You understand me. You're not so stupid, after all.

  FAGNER — (looks up in the dictionary) I know stupid. It is estúpido!

  (FAGNER suddenly smiles in excitement.)

  FAGNER (CONT'D) — I know book!

  (FAGNER grabs a book in the scenery.)

  FAGNER (CONT'D) — The book is on the table!

  (FAGNER puts the book on the counter.)

  OMAN — It's not a table. It's a counter.

  FAGNER — I know colors: yellow, blue, 'head'/

  OMAN — Head isn't a color, it is the fucking thing you have above your neck! (mispronounces) 'Red' is a color!

  FAGNER — You don't know colors?

  OMAN — Of course I know colors! (angrily) But I don't wanna talk about it... And you don't understand what I'm saying, anyway.

  (FAGNER points objects with these colors in the scenery.)

  FAGNER — (points at the ceiling) I know sky!

  OMAN — Actually, that is the ceiling.

  FAGNER — I know Saturday! I know Sunday.

  OMAN — Lazy Brazilians just know the weekends.

  FAGNER — I know much things!

  OMAN — Many, not much.

  FAGNER — Yes! I know many things!

  OMAN — No, you don't.

  FAGNER — I can learn much more!

  OMAN — I have serious doubts.

  (FAGNER opens his pocket dictionary and starts to look up words again.)

  FAGNER — Please! I love United States 'off" America!

  OMAN — THE United States is IN America, not OFF America!

  FAGNER — I'm from Brazil, remember? In Brazil, we love 'cough'. You like 'cough'?

  OMAN — What? Do you love to cough? I hate coughing!

  FAGNER — You never taste my 'cough'! I make 'cough" for you.

  (FAGNER points at a coffee package.)

  OMAN — (corrects him) You mean COFFEE!

  FAGNER — YES! Please! Let me 'workee' for you!

  OMAN — There's not a "EE" or "Y" in work! I can't hire you. You definitely don't speak English.

  FAGNER — I don't need much money to be happy.

  OMAN — (interested) That's a good thing. I like that.

  FAGNER — And I'm strong! I'm funny! I'm 'hard-worker'.

  OMAN — I can't pay you a lot. No puedo pagar mucho.

  FAGNER — NO PROBLEMA! I do anything. I need job.

  OMAN — And you don't have a green card, right? This is a mess and I don't wanna get into trouble.

  FAGNER — I do anything!

  OMAN — And I bet you have no place to live. Or live too far away.

  FAGNER — Live? I can live here!

  OMAN — Actually, I have a room in the back. You can live there.

  FAGNER — I pay you!

  OMAN — You don't have to pay me. (quick pause) I'll discount from your salary.

  FAGNER — Anything you want!

  OMAN — And we have food here. You can eat here. Of course, everything will be deducted from your salary.

  FAGNER — Good for me!

  OMAN — Good for you!

  FAGNER — So... "I have job"?

  OMAN — I was thinking of a blowjob first...

  FAGNER — No entiendo.

  OMAN — But you're gonna understand sooner or later.

  FAGNER — (looks up the dictionary) What 'I have to do'?

  OMAN — Basically, open your mouth and, like... gobble my dick.

  FAGNER — Sorry. 'Repeat that and slowly?'

  OMAN — Yeah! You can repeat that and slowly. That's the spirit of the thing. You "comprendes". You learn fast. I like you. Once, I had a woman in Iran like you. Let me show you your room.

  (OMAN puts his arm on FAGNER's shoulder and leads him to the back of the store.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — By the way, what's your name? Cómo te llamas?

  FAGNER — Fagner. Fa-g-ner. But... (takes a look at the dictionary) They call me Faguinho in Brazil.

  OMAN — What?

  (FAGNER takes a look at the dictionary and finds "FAG". FAGNER shows the dictionary to OMAN and points THE word.)

  FAGNER — See? Fag!

  OMAN — (amused) Fag?

  FAGNER — Yes! Fag... INHO!

  (FAGNER makes a gesture with the thumb and forefinger.)

  FAGNER (CONT'D) — Fag... 'Pequeño'.

  OMAN — Oh! I got it! You know, in English your nickname is like... Little Fag!

  FAGNER — (smiles) Yeah! Of course.

  OMAN — (laughing) Little Fag!

  (FAGNER and OMAN leave the stage. The stage goes dark.)

  (END OF SCENE)

  Back to top

  SCENE TWO

  When the stage goes bright, Oman is onstage at the cash register. Fagner enters the stage with ENRICO, a Mexican guy (about twenty years old). Both are eating sandwiches. IMPORTANT: Enrico has a pocket knife he carries into his pants pocket. Once in a while, he likes to pull it out and play with it.

  OMAN — (upset) Where have you been, motherfucker?

  FAGNER — Doing what you asked me to do!

  OMAN — I don't remember having told you to eat!

  RICO — (complaining) It's his lunch break, man!

  OMAN — I'm not talking to you! (to Fagner) Is he your new boyfriend, now, Little Fag?

  RICO — Don't you call him that.

  OMAN — It's his nickname!

  RICO — (turns to Fagner) Little Fag?

  FAGNER — Sort of.

  RICO — (to Oman) Little Fag has his rights!

  OMAN — He has no rights! He is illegal!

  RICO — The way you treat him is illegal! It's harassment!

  OMAN — Go get your rights at the United Nations!

  FAGNER — Cool down. Take it easy both of you! I was just doing my job! I just 'cleaned' the storeroom, 'took out' the trash and I 'set up' the mousetraps.

  OMAN — (worried) Shush! Don't say that out loud! (looking around, whispers) Nobody needs to know we have a little 'mice' problem!

  FAGNER — By the way, these new traps are much better than the old ones. (happy) We caught five 'mouses' this time.

  OMAN — Mice!

  FAGNER — (sad) But that big rat escaped again! (to Rico) I called it Schumacher. It's very fast!

  OMAN — (with the index finger on lips) Shush! Nobody needs to know! Now, look after the store... (out loud) I'm gonna take a piss but I think I will take a dump too! If I piss... I have to shit! Go figure!

  (OMAN leaves the stage. ENRICO is angry.)

  FAGNER — (swallowing the sandwich ) Was my lunch break too long?

  RICO — Man, you have to do something fast!

  FAGNER — I know. Maybe the next time I'll just eat an egg.

  RICO — I'm talking about this Iraqi.

  FAGNER — Oman? He's Iranian.

  RICO — Whatever. You can't let'im treat ya like that!

  FAGNER — But he 'treat' me like a father!

  RICO — No, he doesn't.

  FAGNER — You don't know my father.

  RICO — He exploits you! He forces you to do things you don't like to do and doesn't pay you for them. He thinks you're a freeloader, but he only gives you a plate of food and a place to sleep, that's all! He treats you as if you were a slave! He treats you like shit!

  FAGNER — (smiling) Exactly! Just like my father!

  RICO — Man, I can ask my brother to beat Muhammad's brains out if you want to.

  FAGNER — His name is Oman. And thanks, I don't wanna lose my job.

  RICO — (outraged) Lose your job? Man, you've been working for him for over six months now and I've never seen your money! How much longer can you handle this?

  FAGNER — I'm not receiving, so I'm not spending. Oman is saving my money for me. And when I have enough, I'll buy a wedding ring and propose to Rachel.

  RICO — Rachel? The American blonde?

&n
bsp; FAGNER — Yeah. She's something, don't you think so?

  RICO — She doesn't even know you exist!

  FAGNER — Of course she knows I exist. She's already talked to me. She even made up a cute nickname for me.

  (RACHEL enters the stage, right at this moment.)

  RACHEL — (to Fagner) Hi, Butt head.

  FAGNER — (to Rico) See?

  (ENRICO does not believe that FAGNER really thinks Butt Head is a cute nickname.)

  RACHEL — Where is your boss?

  FAGNER — He's in the restroom. He is long... He must be/

  RICO — /Shitting his ass.

  (RICO bursts out laughing. FAGNER is a little embarrassed. FAGNER approaches RACHEL, gently and nicely with a smile on his face.)

  FAGNER — What can I do for you, Miss Rachel? Do you want cigarettes?

  (RACHEL waves her hands to FAGNER in fear.)

  RACHEL — No! No! My boyfriend is coming! I told him that I quit!

  ANTHONY enters stage, a handsome big Italian American sporting a pair of sunglasses and wearing an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) uniform.

  ANTHONY — So, pussy cat? Did you get my bubble gum?

  (ANTHONY embraces RACHEL with his long and strong arms. Seeing ANTHONY, ENRICO cringes and hides himself behind one of the shelves. FAGNER ignores the danger.)

  RACHEL — No, honey pie. I haven't had a chance to ask for it yet.

  FAGNER — Mormons are allowed to chew bubble gum?

  ANTHONY — We Mormons can do everything we like! We just don't like to drink, to smoke, to use any kind of drugs, to go to night clubs or strip clubs or clubs in general because... We are better than the rest of you. That's why only Mormons are guaranteed a place beside God.

  FAGNER — (bored) OK. Which bubble gum?

  (ANTHONY reaches the bubble gum which he likes and is on the shelve and he puts it on the counter.)

  ANTHONY — This one. How much is it?

  FAGNER — (to Rachel) You don't have to pay.

  RICO — What?

  (ENRICO covers his mouth with his hands.)

  FAGNER — It's on the house. Miss Rachel is a very good customer.

  ANTHONY — (to Rachel) Is he that Afghan you told me about?

  RACHEL — No, he's just an employee.

  ANTHONY — An employee that offers us a gift?

  FAGNER — I'm more than an employee to Oman, I am like a son to him.

  ANTHONY — (to Rachel) Is he also from Af-fucking-ghanistan?

  RACHEL — Nope! He is from Bra-fucking-zil!

  FAGNER — Are Mormons allowed to curse?

  (ANTHONY looks at the ceiling.)

  ANTHONY — (automatically) God, forgive me I've cursed!

  (Then, ANTHONY stares at FAGNER, angrily.)

  ANTHONY (CONT'D) — (suspicious) So, are you from Brazil?

  FAGNER — (cheerfully) Yeah! Brazil! Samba! Carnaval!

  ANTHONY — Big scandals! Corruption! S.T.D.s.

  (Immediately, RACHEL shows an expression of disgust.)

  ANTHONY (CONT'D) — (to Rachel) I knew a guy, who knew a guy, who worked with a guy, who shared an apartment with another guy who visited Brazil and came back with syphilis.

  RACHEL — Oh my God! Is he dead?

  (ANTHONY rubs his balls discreetly.)

  ANTHONY — No, he survived.

  (ANTHONY approaches FAGNER, threatening.)

  ANTHONY (CONT'D) — Do you know how close your country is to Cuba?

  FAGNER — I thought Miami was closer.

  (ANTHONY takes a notepad out of his jacket pocket and makes some notes. Then, he puts the notepad back into his pocket.)

  FAGNER (CONT'D) — You can keep the bubble gum. Oman trusts me completely.

  ANTHONY — I trust no one. (to Rachel) Let's go, pussy cat.

  (ANTHONY and RACHEL leave the stage. ENRICO comes from behind the shelf, shaking with fear.)

  RICO — Do you know him?

  FAGNER — He is Rachel's boyfriend, but hopefully not for too long!

  RICO — You're an idiot! He's much more than that!

  FAGNER — You mean he's her fiancé? But how come they don't wear engagement rings?

  RICO — He's an immigration inspector, estúpido!

  FAGNER — Immigration inspectors don't wear engagement rings?

  RICO — Listen to me, funny guy... He deports people like you to the hole where you came from!

  FAGNER — You mean he can send me back to Campinas?

  RICO — Cunt penis?

  FAGNER — Yeah, Campinas.

  RICO — What are you talking about, cabron?

  FAGNER — The city I came from: Campinas. My city.

  RICO — Cunt penis? Oh, man... You should keep that to yourself.

  FAGNER — Campinas?

  RICO — You Brazilians are really fucked up, you know?

  FAGNER — I don't wanna go back to Brazil! I wanna stay here! I wanna stay with Rachel. I wanna marry her! I wanna have kids with her! I wanna assure my green card with her!

  RICO — Man, if you wanna stay here in the States, forget