It's Illegal, But It's Okay

Comic Book Devil! If I told him you're selling pot in his area, he'd probably choke you with your own dick, fuck you in the ass and then kill you. Not necessarily in that order. But he would definitely kill you.

  (FAGNER stares at RICO for a while.)

  FAGNER — OK. I was thinking of giving it to you, but now you won’t get it.

  RICO — You're so unfair, man.

  FAGNER — Stop whining. I'm waiting for a new shipping.

  RICO — (excited) Now, you're talking!

  (OMAN enters the stage. He carries a package under his arm.)

  OMAN — (to Enrico) You again? Don't you work? Don't you have anything better to do than bother my employee?

  RICO — You should treat me better! I'm your customer!

  OMAN — (to Fagner) What did he buy today?

  (FAGNER takes some goods that are close to the counter and registers the items in the cash register.)

  FAGNER — He's bought all these. (to Enrico) It's thirty five dollars, sir.

  RICO — (to Oman) See? I've bought them.

  OMAN — You've only bought after paying.

  RICO — I'm paying.

  (RICO opens his wallet and searches for his money. FAGNER grabs all RICO's money.)

  FAGNER — Thank you, sir.

  OMAN — Now you are a customer.

  (OMAN approaches FAGNER.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — You've got mail again!

  (OMAN takes the package under his arm and smells it.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — You really like Brazilian coffee, don't you, little Fag?

  (OMAN extends the package to FAGNER.)

  FAGNER — There is nothing like Brazilian coffee.

  (FAGNER smells the package as he looks at ENRICO, who seems very excited.)

  OMAN — I've always heard that all Brazilians are horny. But I would never expect that even your aunt finishes her letters with B.J.s!

  FAGNER — What's the problem with B.J.s?

  OMAN — No problem. I love blow jobs!

  FAGNER — Oh, no! B.J.s mean kisses in Brazil .

  RICO — Besos.

  (RICO kisses the air.)

  OMAN — (disgusted) We don't kiss our aunts.

  FAGNER — How was the funeral?

  OMAN — You know what I think about the whole family gathered around a relative that has gone... VERY BORING! But the food and dancing were OK.

  FAGNER — Is that all? Did you happen to meet an 'old' girlfriend there?

  OMAN — No, all my girlfriends are very young! All underage!

  RICO — He means "ex-girlfriends".

  OMAN — Oh, yeah, I met many of them, but they are all too old now.

  (The telephone on the counter rings. OMAN walks toward the counter and answers it.)

  OMAN (CONT'D) — (by the phone) Down By The Nile River Deli, good evening. (surprised) What?! (speaking Persian) Oh, my God! Uncle Ahmad died too? Fuck! I'm leaving! I'll be there in a few minutes! (to Fagner) Little Fag, I have to leave again! My uncle Ahmad died too. I'll probably spend all night out. Take care of the store. (looking at his watch) It's near closing time, now. And don't waste your time with this piece of shit.

  RICO — I'm your best customer!

  OMAN — Don't push it or the next funeral I attend today will be yours.

  (OMAN leaves the stage. ENRICO, who is very excited, approaches FAGNER.)

  FAGNER — I think Oman needs a woman.

  RICO — Forget Oman, man! Open that package! Let's get high!

  FAGNER — Take it easy, man.

  (FAGNER walks to the front door and puts on the sign: CLOSED, but he doesn't lock the door. Then, FAGNER looks around to make sure no one is watching him or ENRICO. Only after that, he begins to open the package, slowly.)

  RICO — Hurry up, man!

  (FAGNER, finally, opens the package full of coffee powder.)

  FAGNER — It does smell good, doesn't it?

  RICO — Are you serious, man? You know what I need!

  (FAGNER sticks his hand into the coffee powder and finds a plastic bag full of what appears to be more than 250 grams of marijuana.)

  RICO (CONT'D) — That's what I´m talking about! Gimme some, man! Let's fire it up!

  (FAGNER moves toward RICO and tries to grab the bag of marijuana. FAGNER takes a few steps back and protects the bag full of grass from him.)

  FAGNER — Wow, wow! Easy, man. We can't smoke this grass.

  RICO — Are you kidding me?

  FAGNER — No. I'm serious.

  RICO — I need to get high right now! Cut that shit and gimme some.

  FAGNER — Sorry, but it's not my weed.

  RICO — What the fuck are you talking about, man?

  FAGNER — I have customers and they've already paid for this grass. That's it.

  RICO — Don't do this to me, cabron! Have you forgotten? I'm your best friend!

  FAGNER — As my best friend you should understand. Business is Business.

  RICO — (angry) No fucking way! Gimme that shit.

  (ENRICO walks toward FAGNER, determinedly, threatening him. FAGNER grabs a shotgun hidden behind the counter and points it at RICO.)

  FAGNER — Take a step back, man.

  RICO — (scared) What the fuck! Would you dare shoot me?

  FAGNER — (laughing) It's not loaded, moron!

  (ENRICO threats to move toward FAGNER, but FAGNER points the gun at his friend again.)

  FAGNER (CONT'D) — But we never know.

  RICO — Fuck you, cabron! I'm leaving!

  (ENRICO walks toward the exit door. FAGNER leaves the gun on the counter and goes to his friend.)

  FAGNER — Come on! Stop acting like a child.

  RICO — You are a son of bitch! (smiles) Are you gonna give me some weed?

  FAGNER — No.

  RICO — What is your problem?

  FAGNER — You never paid me for that last grass I gave you, cabrón!

  RICO — I will!

  FAGNER — When?

  RICO — I don't know!

  FAGNER — See!

  RICO — At least I don't lie! I will pay you, soon, in the future. But now... (gives up) OK, man. Forget it. I'm leaving for real! Shove that weed up your ass!

  FAGNER — OK.

  RICO — Can I smoke?

  FAGNER — It depends.

  RICO — Depends on what?

  FAGNER — What would you do to smoke this pot?

  RICO — I would do anything.

  FAGNER — Suck my dick.

  RICO — Fuck you!

  (ENRICO turns away from FAGNER and walks toward the exit door. Then, he stops and turns to FAGNER again.)

  RICO (CONT'D) — Do you mean it?

  (FAGNER nods and starts to unbutton his pants.)

  RICO (CONT'D) — Fuck off.

  (Again, ENRICO turns to the exit door.)

  FAGNER — Come on, man! Stop whining! OK. I'll give you some weed... If... You lick the floor.

  RICO — Are you serious, man?

  FAGNER — Lick the floor and I'll give you some weed.

  RICO — (suspicious) You're kidding me.

  FAGNER — No, I'm serious.

  (ENRICO kneels on the floor, looking once more to FAGNER, stoops over the floor, sticks his tongue out. ENRICO stares at FAGNER.)

  RICO — (begging) Man!

  FAGNER — (without mercy) Do it.

  (ENRICO licks the floor.)

  FAGNER (CONT'D) — Man, I would never be your girlfriend. You stick that tongue of yours anywhere.

  RICO — Cut that shit and gimme that grass, asshole!

  FAGNER — Did you really think I'd give you some?

  RICO — Motherfucker! Gimme that pot, hijo de puta!

  (RICO runs after FAGNER. FAGNER tries to protect the plastic bag full of pot. FAGNER runs toward the door. The door opens and RACHEL enters and bumps into FAGNER. The plastic bag falls to the floor.)

  RACHEL — Hi, Butt Head.

  (FAGNER and
ENRICO are surprised.)

  FAGNER — The store is closed!

  RICO — Bitch, can't you read signs?

  (FAGNER looks at RICO with reprimand.)

  FAGNER — Sorry, this guy has no manners.

  (RACHEL stares at the bag full of weed lying on the floor. At the same time, FAGNER and RACHEL stoop down to pick up the plastic bag with marijuana.)

  FAGNER (CONT'D) — This is not what you're thinking.

  RACHEL — I know. You were fighting over a plastic bag full of oregano.

  FAGNER — No!

  RICO — We're not fighting.

  RACHEL — (to Fagner) Are you having a party without me?

  FAGNER — I don't get it.

  RACHEL — Relax! I just want to join the party. You know, my life would have been easier if I had known you were a drug dealer.

  FAGNER — I'm not a drug dealer.

  RACHEL — Ok. But do you sell it, or is all this grass only for you?

  RICO — He sells.

  FAGNER — (to Rico) Shut up, Rico!

  RACHEL — I got papers!

  (RACHEL takes a small Bible out of her purse and shows it to FAGNER.)

  RICO — (excited) She has papers!

  RACHEL — And I can pay you for some of your weed.

  RICO — (excited) She can pay you!

  FAGNER — (to Rachel) You don't have to pay me.

  RICO — (angry) No? What the fuck are you talking about, man?

  FAGNER — She's my guest!

  RICO — You made me lick the floor, ass hole! Oh, I get it. She's got a cunt. And cunts don't pay!

  FAGNER — Shut up Rico and roll us a joint!

  (FAGNER takes the Bible from RACHEL's hand and he gives RICO both the Bible and the bag of marijuana. RICO rips off a sheet from the Bible in order to roll a joint. He starts to crumble the pot.)

  FAGNER (CONT'D) — I'd never thought you smoked pot.

  RACHEL — Why not? Everybody in the U.S. is smoking pot right now.

  FAGNER — I don't know... Your Boyfriend for example... Does he know that you smoke pot?

  RACHEL — Sure... He doesn't! He's a Mormon, you know? Those guys aren't even allowed to drink coffee.

  (They laugh.)

  FAGNER — (funny) But you guys have sex?

  RACHEL — Well, at least that's what he calls it!

  (They all laugh.)

  RACHEL (CONT'D) — He's not my husband. He doesn't need to know everything about me.

  FAGNER — But... What's gonna happen when you marry him? Will you stop smoking?

  RACHEL — I'm