It's Illegal, But It's Okay
are.
OMAN — I'm not a Muslim! I'm a catholic.
CARLOS — You are not! I'm a catholic! You are a fuckin' Arab!
OMAN — I'm Persian!
CARLOS — That's all the same.
OMAN — No, it's fucking not!
(CARLOS points his baseball bat at OMAN's head.)
CARLOS — That is the same.
OMAN — Yes, exactly the same.
CARLOS — I have a Muslim friend. He doesn't curse like you. He has already killed a lot of unfaithful people, but he doesn't swear at people. He's joined ISIS now.
OMAN — Nobody is perfect.
(CARLOS approaches FAGNER.)
CARLOS — So, you are the fucking Brazilian guy, aren't you?
OMAN — Finally.
FAGNER — No! I'm not.
OMAN — (to Fagner) Of course you are!
CARLOS — Gimme one single reason why I shouldn't kill you right now.
FAGNER — I know where he hides his money!
(FAGNER points to OMAN.)
OMAN — (surprised) What?!
FAGNER — He has a safe behind the counter!
OMAN — He is lying!
(CARLOS stares at FAGNER. Then, he stares at OMAN.)
FAGNER — I can show you!
(FAGNER takes a step forward then CARLOS turns to him and points his baseball bat at FAGNER.)
CARLOS — You don't move!
(CARLOS walks over the counter. Behind it, CARLOS starts to look for the safe. CARLOS finds OMAN's rifle. CARLOS puts his baseball bat over the counter and exhibits the rifle.)
CARLOS (CONT'D) — Look at what I've found! Nice rifle!
OMAN — (to Fagner) Now he is going to put a bullet in our heads!
CARLOS — (pointing the rifle at Fagner) But I can't find the safe, Little Fag.
FAGNER — Look further to the left.
(CARLOS leans slightly behind the counter to the left.)
FAGNER (CONT'D) — Look behind the cereal box.
CARLOS — Yup! There is a safe right here. Tell me the combination, Mohammed.
OMAN — (angry) My name is... (giving up) Whatever.
(While FAGNER tells him the combination, CARLOS stretches his arm as if typing the combination on the safe.)
FAGNER — Nine... Eleven... Two... Zero... Zero... One...
OMAN — (surprised) How did you/
FAGNER — I've been watching you.
CARLOS — (amazed) It worked! (to Oman) Nine eleven two thousand one, Muhammad? Is that some kind of a joke?
OMAN — It's easy to remember.
(CARLOS takes many banknotes out of the safe and puts them on the counter.)
CARLOS — Wow! That's a lot of money, Muhammad. I think today is my birthday!
(CARLOS laughs while he puts all the money into his pants pocket. Then, CARLOS walks to FAGNER pointing OMAN's rifle at him with only one hand. CARLOS's other hand grabs the baseball bat.)
CARLOS (CONT'D) — I came here thinking that I would beat a guy to death. And I stumble on Ali Baba's treasure. I have to thank you, Little Fag.
FAGNER — You are welcome.
CARLOS — Now, I'm not gonna beat you to death. I'm just gonna beat you.
(Stroboscopic lights flash while CARLOS waves his baseball bat and hits FAGNER in slow motion. FAGNER falls on the floor and wiggles while he is being hit by CARLOS. Then, CARLOS strikes some shelves with his baseball bat and walks away. The front door opens again. RACHEL enters the stage. She is in shock.)
RACHEL — What happened?
OMAN — The real Little Fag revealed himself. That's what happened.
RACHEL — (to Fagner) Are you OK?
FAGNER — All my bones are broken but yeah, I'm OK.
RACHEL — I came to tell you that... I had to tell Tony the truth about last night. I'm sorry... But they're coming after you. (outraged) And he dumped me, can you believe it? I had no idea he was such a jerk. (concerned) Should I call the police?
(OMAN had already walked behind the counter and is on the phone.)
OMAN — I'm calling the cops right now.
RACHEL — (to Fagner) I have to go, now. Good luck!
(RACHEL leaves the stage. OMAN hangs up the phone
OMAN — You better run, now, Fag.
FAGNER — I thought you were calling the cops.
OMAN — Do you think I'm stupid? I don't want the cops here. I can lose my business if they find an alien working for me. Hurry up, Fag! Run away before it's too late.
(FAGNER stands up with difficulty and walks toward the front door reeling when Tony and a police officer walk in. Blackout. Police sirens are heard. Red lights flash. A kind of mysterious music is played. Then, the sound of rain is heard.)
(END OF SCENE)
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SCENE FIVE
Lights and music indicate that time has passed. When the lights fade in, the store is clean again. The front door opens, Oman walks in. Oman goes behind the counter. The front door opens again and Rachel enters.
RACHEL — Hi, Omar.
(OMAN stares at her, angrily.)
RACHEL (CONT'D) — Just kidding. I know your name is Oman.
OMAN — Miss Rachel! I haven't seen you lately!
RACHEL — I've been very busy.
OMAN — What can I do for you, today?
(RACHEL dances between shelves taking some goods and puts them on the counter, happily.)
RACHEL — I'm gonna take this... This... And this too. How much for everything?
(OMAN does the math in his calculator.)
OMAN — It's thirty/ (stops) It's twenty nine dollars and ninety nine cents with taxes.
(RACHEL gives him a smile.)
RACHEL — Ok.
(RACHEL opens her purse, pulls out a hundred-dollar-bill and gives it to OMAN.)
RACHEL (CONT'D) — Do you have change for a hundred-dollar-bill?
OMAN — (complains) A hundred-dollar-bill? Don't you have a small one?
RACHEL — No. That's all I have.
OMAN — I accept debit card, credit card...
RACHEL — (looking in her purse) I'm so sorry... I probably forgot my credit card at home, I think.
OMAN — Fuck! (smiles) Sorry! I don't have change. (trying not to seem angry) You can pay me later.
(OMAN returns the hundred-dollar-bill to RACHEL who smiles at him.)
RACHEL — Ok.
(OMAN pretends to sneeze.)
OMAN — (whispers) Bitch...
RACHEL — What?
OMAN — I think I got the flu.
(OMAN pretends to sneeze again.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — Whore! (smiles) Sorry! How about Anthony? Have you seen him?
RACHEL — Anthony? No... I haven't seen him since he dumped me five years ago. But I know he's married to an FBI agent. I saw a picture of them on his Facebook page.
OMAN — Are Mormons allowed to have Facebook?
RACHEL — Fuck the Mormons! Fuck Tony! He told me that all actresses were bitches, drug addicts and non Mormons.
OMAN — And your career? How is it going?
RACHEL — Very well, actually. Last year, I shot six movies.
OMAN — Six? Wow! It's a lot!
RACHEL — Now I've just got my first leading role. They're gonna shoot it over the weekend.
OMAN — The whole movie? In just one weekend?
RACHEL — (proudly) Yeah!
OMAN — Is it a short film?
RACHEL — No. But they are very quick.
OMAN — So, you are famous, now!
RACHEL — Kind of.
OMAN — I love American movies! But I've never seen you on screen.
RACHEL — It's because you can't watch my movies in theaters. They are all made for TV.
OMAN — So, you're a TV star now!
RACHEL — Kind of.
OMAN — In which channel can I see your movies? ABC? NBC? CBS? Fox?
RACHEL — Just c
able TV... And you'll probably need a special subscription... You can watch my films on DVD and online too.
(OMAN still doesn't understand.)
OMAN — Oh, I see...
RACHEL — I have to go now. Bye!
(RACHEL waves her hand and goes toward the front door. She bumps into RICO, who has just entered the store.)
RACHEL (CONT'D) — Excuse-me!
(RACHEL recognizes RICO.)
RACHEL (CONT'D) — (angrily) You stay away from me!
(RACHEL leaves the stage. RICO stares at the door in disbelief.)
OMAN — (angrily) You're late! Again!
RICO — Do you remember her?
OMAN — Of course! Are you nuts? She's Miss Rachel, the blond bitch. She was here that night, wasn't she? You've never told me what happened in my store when you were arrested.
RICO — (excited) Oh, I see you don't know yet. She's famous now!
OMAN — She just told me. Have you ever seen any of her movies?
RICO — Oh, yeah! She's a porn star, man!
OMAN — (astonished) What?
RICO — She fucks in front of cameras!
OMAN — Miss Rachel?
(OMAN thinks a little.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — Oh, I see now!
RICO — You must watch her movies, Oman! Matrix one, two and three Anal, Anal Exterminator Little Miss AssShine/
OMAN — (disgusted) For God's sake!
RICO — She's good. She is a real fucker!
OMAN — So, I've been right about her! She's actually a slut!
RICO — No! She was a slut! Now she's an actress, a porn star! She's making art, man!
OMAN — You know nothing about art! You don't even know about mouse traps! Yesterday I had to kill a big rat! It was bigger than a raccoon!
RICO — You must buy bigger mouse traps, cabrón!
OMAN — Don't call me cabrón! I'm not your friend. I'm your boss! Do something wrong and I'll tell everything to your parole officer! You go back to jail in a minute! I'm just doing your brother a favor! Now, go and clean my storage room from those fucking rats!
(RICO leaves to the back of the store.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — Fucking Mexicans...
(The front door opens again. Another man enters the stage. He's wearing a hood over his head and over it a cap. He seems very suspicious. The mysterious man walks around messing up with the products on the shelves, he walks toward the counter.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — (smiles) Hi.
(OMAN takes