Once in Every Life

  He'd come home. Finally, after all the years of searching and emptiness and doubt, he felt as if he'd come home at last.

  A smile spread across his face. Today in church he'd let himself believe in Lissa. In that instant all the emotions he'd hoarded and hidden for years surged to the forefront of his heart, and he'd fallen in love with her all over again. He was scared?damned scared?but he was excited, too. He felt as if he were perched on the edge of a brand-new life. All he had to do was take a single step forward. He let go of the swing and sauntered across the yard. From far below came the echoing whoosh of the sea, and the unexpected cry of a hungry gull. The moon shimmered behind a filmy purple cloud.

  He bounded up the steps and eased the kitchen door open. The aroma of beef, cooking carrots, cinnamon, and sweet dough greeted him. No one seemed to notice his arrival. Quietly closing the door behind him, Jack glanced around.

  Katie was sitting with her back to him, her small body hunched over the kitchen table. In a hesitant voice, she was calling out letters. Savannah sat beside her, drawing pictures of the letter in the air. Caleb was gurgling playfully in his cradle.

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  Every now and then, Lissa, who was busily checking something in the oven, would gently correct Katie. "No, sweetheart, the word is w-a-s. Was, not saw. Put your finger right under each letter and see if you can tell the difference."

  Lissa straightened. The oven door banged shut. "Well, supper's just about ready. Now all we need is your father." She turned and saw Jack standing at the door. Smiling, she wiped her hands on her apron and walked toward him. "And here he is."

  Savannah's head jerked up. "Daddy!"

  Katie lurched to her feet. Her feet tangled in the chair and knocked it over. The book she was reading skidded across the table and thumped to the floor.

  Lissa stopped in front of him, apparently unaware of the bedlam going on around her. She tucked a curly, sweat-dampened lock of hair around her ear and smiled up at him. "You'd better get washed up for supper."

  The softness of her voice was almost more than Jack could handle. He had a swift, terrifying urge to take her in his arms and never let her go.

  "Jack?"

  He cleared his throat. "Sorry. I'll be right back."

  He ran for the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. It took him five minutes to change out of his sweat-and-dirt-stained work clothes and five more to calm his racing heart. He paced restlessly back and forth, then sat lightly on the bed's very edge.

  He had to get control of his emotions. This thing had to be taken slowly, one step at a time. God knew he didn't feel like humiliating himself again.

  "Jack?"

  Her voice slid through his turbulent thoughts. He snapped to a board-straight sit and shot a glance at the door. She was peeking just around the corner.

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  "Supper's ready."

  Supper. Sitting together as a family, holding hands, talking quietly. The images made him sick with longing. And suddenly he was afraid. Trusting in her was one thing; rejoining the family, being a father, that was another. He wasn't strong enough to do that. He loved his children too much, too desperately, to ever let them down. And sooner or later he let everyone down. "I'm not hungry."

  She breezed into the room in a swirl of marigold yellow skirting and dropped to her knees directly in front of him. For one terrifying moment he thought she was going to touch him, but she didn't. She clasped her fingers together and looked up. "I made the supper myself?most of it, anyway. Savannah told me it was your favorite."

  Jack tumbled into her deep brown eyes and was lost. "You made it for me?" She nodded. Waited. Don't do it. Don't? "All right." "Great!" She got to her feet and offered him her hand. He stared at her pale fingers, remembering with crystalline clarity the silky softness of her skin. A numbing coldness crept along his flesh and made him shiver. Trembling, he stood up. God, how those hands had once set him afire....

  He swallowed thickly but couldn't look away.

  "Jack?" She wiggled her fingers to get his attention.

  Slowly, as if every motion were fraught with danger, he reached out and touched her hand. Their fingers threaded together, curled tightly. The moist warmth of her palm made him think of other things, other places.

  "Let's go," he said gruffly.

  Smiling, she plucked up her skirts and led him out of the bedroom. Through the doorway and down the hall, they walked. She chatted gaily about something?he had

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  no idea what. Nothing got through the jumbled confusion in his mind except the exquisite warmth of her touch.

  And then it was gone.

  "Here you go, Jack," she said, pulling out his chair.

  Jack's trancelike state snapped as clean as a whistle. He watched her bustle toward the stove, then turned his attention to the carefully laid table. In the center of the white-clothed surface was a small, chipped lightning jar filled to overflowing with daffodils and bright red tulips. Each place setting consisted of a blue crockery plate, blue and white napkin, and newly polished silverware. All in all, it looked like a perfect family dinner table.

  "I set the table, Daddy. Ain't it?I mean, isn 't it pretty?" Savannah said shyly as she pulled out the chair next to him and sat down.

  Jack turned to his eldest daughter. She was staring at him through eyes that concealed nothing. She loved him. Still, after everything. Please God, he prayed, don't let me disappoint her. Not

  again ...

  He swallowed thickly and nodded. "It looks great."

  Surprise widened her eyes and crawled in a wash of pink across her cheeks. "Thanks, Daddy."

  Lissa set down a huge platter. A small roast was ringed by fried potatoes, carrots, and onions.

  When they were all seated, Lissa poured four glasses of milk, then set the pitcher down. "Shall we pray?" she said, placing a hand on either side of her plate. The girls eagerly placed their hands in their mother's.

  They were not so quick to hold Jack's hand. Two small heads turned hesitantly toward him.

  "Daddy?" Savannah ventured softly. Jack's heart did a painful twist. Without meeting his daughter's gaze?he couldn't bear to see the uncertainty in her eyes?he brought his hands to the table.

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  Savannah was the first to take his hand. Warm, slim fingers slid along his upturned palm and slipped between his. Rough, bitten-down nails prickled his flesh. She gave his hand a squeeze, and it was a moment before he realized that she was reassuring him.

  He stared at the flowers, feeling a sharp sting behind his eyes. He swallowed the thick, bone-dry lump of emotion that lodged suddenly in his throat. God, how he loved them. Sweet Christ...

  "Daddy? Is it okay if I hole your hand?" Katie's quiet voice crept into Jack's thoughts and brought his head up.

  Jack looked at his baby girl. She gave him a shy, hesitant smile. Love curled around his heart and squeezed so hard, his chest ached. "I ... I'd like that."

  Katie's mouth dropped open. "You would?"

  He nodded, unable to speak.

  Katie's pink hand moved across the white tablecloth and slipped into Jack's. His long, brown fingers slipped between her pudgy ones and curled tightly.

  "Dear God," Lissa began softly, "we thank you for the many gifts you've bestowed upon this family. And for what we are about to receive, may we be truly grateful."

  Jack started to lift his head, but she wasn't done. He quickly dropped his chin again.

  "Savannah," she said, "why don't you tell God what you're thankful for."

  "I'm thankful for Katie learning to read."

  "Katie, honey?"

  Katie shifted uncomfortably on her chair. Moisture seeped from her tiny hands and dampened Jack's palms. He detected a tremor in her fingers.

  "I-I'm thankful we're eating supper together."

  "It's my turn," Lissa said. "I'm thankful for having such bright, beautiful, loving girls to call my children, and such a darling baby boy. Jack?"
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  Jack flinched. His hold on the girls' hands tightened.

  The silence expanded, turned vaguely awkward as everyone waited to hear his answer.

  He cleared his throat. "I'm?I'm thankful for my children." Jack blurted out the damning confession, and waited for Lissa to laugh. When she didn't, he cautiously looked up, and found her staring at him. For a second, there was no one sitting at the table except the two of them.

  "Amen," she said softly, and the prayer ended. Only this time, they kept holding hands. Everyone looked up. Gazes slid from face to face around the table, and for once, there was no looking away, no awkwardness.

  It was Lissa who withdrew her hands first. "So, who wants some of this delicious supper?" she said, reaching for the platter.

  "Wait!" Jack said without thinking.

  They all glanced up at him, and Jack immediately felt like an idiot. He couldn't imagine what had prompted him to speak. "I ... uh ... I mean I'm the father. I'll carve the meat."

  He took the carving knife from her and stood up. Towering over the small table, he carefully began slicing the roast.

  Lissa and the girls lapsed into quiet conversation. The ordinary sounds of clanking forks and cutting knives peppered suppertime air.

  Jack paused, the knife poised at the roast's blackened hump, and glanced around. Lissa was at the foot of the table, cutting her potatoes and talking animatedly about the troubles she'd had in the garden. Katie sat hunched over her plate, her elbows resting on the table as she listened with rapt attention to her mother's story. Savannah was laughing.

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  Jack felt a surge of emotion so raw and powerful, he went weak. He swayed unsteadily. His hand crashed onto the table and held him upright.

  Glasses clinked against crockery plates at the sudden movement. Everyone looked up. Three pairs of concerned eyes landed on his face. No one said a word. "Sorry," he mumbled.

  The girls turned their attention back to their plates, but Lissa didn't look away. A slow smile curved her lips. She stared at him, and crazily, he felt as if she were seeing inside his soul, seeing that black, twisted place, and finding it not so very dark after all. "It's nice, isn't it?" she said quietly. He knew exactly what she was talking about. Glancing at his daughters, then at his wife, he smiled. "Yeah, it is."

  After the supper was finished and the dishes washed and put away, Savannah and Katie hurried off to bed. Jack and Tess were left standing in the kitchen. The air thickened with anticipation. Both of them wanted desperately to reach out, but neither one knew how.

  "I ... I guess I'd better put Caleb to bed," she said lamely.

  He nodded stiffly. "Yeah. I guess so."

  They stood there, staring at each other. Waiting. Hoping.

  Finally he said, "Maybe ..."

  Tess's heart tripped. "Maybe what?"

  He yanked on his collar as if it were suddenly too tight. "Maybe we could have a cup of coffee together after you're done."

  Warmth spread through Tess. She grinned. "I'd like that."

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  "You would?"

  "A lot."

  A hesitant smile tugged at his mouth. "All right. I'll make the coffee."

  Smiling, she picked up Caleb and held him to her breast. It was all she could do to keep from skipping out of the room.

  Tess fed Caleb in record time, then hurried from her room. Jack was hunched over the hearth, starting a fire. The first tentative red-gold flames licked at the log. Behind him, two cups sat on the rough-hewn table. Aromatic steam wafted through the darkness in swirling streams of gray.

  Nerves fluttered in her stomach. She twisted her fingers nervously together. "Hi, Jack."

  He dropped the log he was holding. It hit the grate with a thunk. "Hi, Lissa," he said without turning around.

  The flames took hold, zipped along the mossy log and burst into a crackling, popping fire.

  Tess reached for her coffee and took it in both hands, curling her fingers around the warm cup. The brew's comforting, familiar smell wafted across her nostrils.

  She sat down on the couch. Waited.

  Jack pushed to his feet and turned around. Reaching down for his coffee, he took a seat beside her on the couch.

  They sat there, stiff and afraid, both staring into the dazzling display of fire. The smell of fire and woodsmoke filled the room.

  He cleared his throat.

  Tess leaned forward, waiting.

  "So ... so you're teaching Katie to read."

  Tess smiled. It was a start. "She's making some progress. I've found that if I draw the letter in the air, she sees it better than if it's written on paper."

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  "She's a smart little thing."

  The ache in his voice twisted her heart. Why? she wanted to ask. Why do you keep yourself so apart? What are you afraid of?

  It was the only thing keeping them apart; she was sure of it. If Tess could break through his fear and force him to admit his love for his children, everything would change. They would have a chance. He would have a chance.

  "She loves you, you know."

  Jack stiffened but didn't say a word.

  "So does Savannah. Even Caleb?"

  "Don't." The word came out as an agonized whisper.

  Instinctively Tess set her coffee down and turned to him. Taking his face in her hands, she forced him to look at her. The bleak despair in his eyes was like a knife in her throat. She found it difficult to breathe.

  They were close, no more than a hand's span apart. She could feel his proximity like a layer of warmth against her body. The soft, commingled sound of their breathing melded with the crackle and hiss of the fire and filled the small room.

  "We're here for you, Jack. All of us. All you have to do is open the door." "I ... I want to."

  Tess's breathing stumbled. "You do?" He nodded. "But it's been closed for so long...." "Maybe ... maybe we could open it together." "Together." The quietly spoken word was filled with wonder. Tess smiled. Hesitantly Jack slipped his arm around her shoulders and drew her toward him. They leaned back against the couch's hard back and closed their eyes, each lost in thoughts of the other. They sat that way until the coffee turned cold and the

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  for tonight, it was enough just to be together.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Savannah burst into the kitchen, clutching her side. "I'm back, Mama," she said breathlessly.

  Katie looked up from her primer, which lay open on the kitchen table.

  Tess was lying on the floor, with Caleb on her stomach. "Hi, honey," she said, curling her arm around the baby and getting awkwardly to her feet. "What did Minerva say?"

  "She said she'd love to go for a walk with us. We're supposed to give her ten minutes, then come on over."

  Tess smiled. Ten minutes was perfect. It gave her just enough time to set her plan in action. She'd told Jack she'd help him open the door to his heart. And she was going to do just that.

  "Okay, girls, run into your room and put on your work dresses. I'll throw a few things in a basket and we'll be off."

  Tess hurried into her bedroom and pulled a long, navy-striped muslin skirt and pretty calico scoop-necked blouse from her armoire. Dressing quickly, she braided her waist-length hair and threw on a serviceable white sunbonnet.

  She was ready to begin.

  "Okay, Caleb," she murmured softly, stroking his silky thatch of black hair, "it's time." Placing him gently in his cradle, she turned to leave.

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  She hadn't even made it to the door when he burst out

  crying.

  Perfect. Tess gave him a soothing smile. "Don't worry, honey, you'll be okay in a minute." With a last lingering look at him, she headed out of her room and strode into the kitchen. Savannah and Katie were waiting.

  "Okay," Tess said, plucking the basket of supplies off

  the
table. "Let's go."

  Savannah's smile faded. "But Caleb's in the bedroom. ..."

  Tess grinned. "Oh? Did I forget to mention that this was a 'girls only' expedition? We have serious business to attend to, and a baby would get in the way."

  Katie and Savannah exchanged confused glances, then spoke at once. "But who's gonna watch him?"

  Tess's lips twitched traitorously. "Your father."

  They gasped.

  Tess waved her hand in an airy gesture of impatience.

  "Let's go."

  "But he's cryin', and Daddy won't?"

  "Trust me. Now, we'd best get moving. Mrs. Hannah is waiting." Tess breezed past the gape-mouthed girls and left the house. Furious whispering erupted in the kitchen and followed Tess down the steps.

  She had just passed the chicken coop and was halfway to the barn when they made up their minds. "Wait, Mama!" Savannah yelled. Tess paused and turned around. "Well, hurry up. We

  haven't got all day."

  Grinning, the two girls bounded down the steps and ran

  to catch up with her.

  Jack was splitting fence rails behind the barn when they reached him. He paused in his work and pushed the tired old hat off his forehead, swiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his arm.

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  "Hi, Jack." Tess carefully shielded the contents of the baby basket in her arms. "How are you?"

  "Fine." He glanced at the girls, noticing their drab, much-washed work clothes. "Where are you girls going dressed like that?"

  Savannah shrugged. "Mama's takin' us someplace special."

  Katie nodded solemnly. "We got wimmen's work to do."

  Jack smiled down at her. "Do you, now? Well that's mighty important. Have a good time."

  "Jack," Tess said solemnly, "I left something in the house for you."

  Katie let out a quick giggle and immediately smothered it with her pudgy hand.

  Jack shot his youngest daughter a questioning look. Then he looked back at Tess. "What is it?"

  Tess was the picture of innocence. "A surprise."

  "Really?"