How to Speak Dragonese

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  Toothless was a beautiful little creature. He was a deep emerald green in color, fading to shimmering pearl on his tummy like a mackerel, lightly sprinkled with pale brown freckles.

  Enormous, innocent, grass-green eyes peered out from between absurdly long eyelashes.

  Appearances, of course, were deceptive, for dragons are among the most selfish animals on the planet, and Toothless was, in fact, a shark in a baby seal's clothing.

  "You can help us, actually, Toothless," said Hiccup. "This is IMPORTANT. We need to find ourselves back to the bay. We're a bit worried that we might have accidentally got ourselves into the Summer Current and we don't want to bump into any SHARKWORMS, now, do we?" Hiccup laughed nervously. "So what YOU could do is flap around and look for boats so we can get back on the right cores."

  "Ask Horrorcow. Toothless h-h-hungry," said Toothless grumpily. He had woken up in a bad mood.

  [Image: Hiccup and dragon.]

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  Hiccup raised his eyes to the heavens before explaining patiently that Horrowcow was asleep and there was no way she was going to wake up.

  Horrorcow was Fishlegs's dragon -- a nice enough beast, but she spent most of her time asleep. She was lying, sprawled full length, underneath one of the rowing benches. Fishlegs had put a coat under her head to lift it clear of the water so she didn't drown.

  "T-t-toothless into m-m-moving." Toothless was in a big sulk now. "n-n-no food--no moving. Toothless on strike. Hiccup BOSSY BOSSY BOSSY. D-d-d-do this Do that. Toothless ad-d-dragon, not a slave. Work, work, work,, that's all you make poor Toothless do."

  "Toothless , you've been asleep since breakfast! protested Hiccup. "And that's the most unfair thing I've ever heard. I wait on you hand and foot, you know I do. I feed you constantly, I tell you jokes, I carry you everywhere..."

  "Toothless h-h-has w-w-weak wings," said Toothless pathetically.

  "You woke me up FOUR TIMES last night...."

  "Toothless had a n-n-nightmare." Toothless opened his big green eyes wider. "Great big fat horrible h-h-humans with BIG TEETH chasing poor

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  Toothless all through his b-b-bed, want to get Toothless because Toothless is so s-s-special..."

  [Image: Hiccup and dragon.]

  "You wanted OYSTERS!" howled Hiccup.

  "Oysters at three o'clock in the morning!"

  "Oysters g-g-good for nightmares," Protested Toothless.

  Hiccup ran out of patience

  "You wouldn't shut up! You perched on my father's bed and said you'd screech in his ear if I didn't get them! I had to get up, dressed, go down to the Oyster Hoard in Hooligan Harbor and then

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  when I got back again you wouldn't even EAT them because you said they were the wrong color or something!

  "They had b-b-black bits on them," whined Toothless. "Toothless h-h-hates black hits, they're YUCKY..."

  "Oh, don't be such a BIG BABY, Toothless," snapped Hiccup. "It was only bits of seaweed and even when I picked them all off you STILL wouldn't eat them!"

  "I hate to interrupt," said Fishlegs nervously, "but I'm pretty certain I saw the fin of a Sharkworm over there ..."

  But Toothless and Hiccup were so cross they didn't even hear. They were nose to nose, eyeballing each other. Toothless had puffed up to nearly twice his normal size and had turned an unpleasant mustardy-red color. Hiccup had forgotten you shouldn't really look a dragon in the eye for too long because their gaze is hypnotic, and he was starting to feel dizzy. But he was so angry he didn't care.

  This dragon had gone too far this time.

  Hiccup had HAD ENOUGH.

  He was going to put his foot down.

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  "I do All these things for YOU," continued Hiccup, "and EVERY now and then I ask you to do a few SIMPLE thing for ME, like catch some mackerel in a Dragon training Lesson, or look out for Sharkworms so we don't all get dragged off and torn to pieces, and what do you do? You go ON STRIKE. Well, you've gone too far this time. I've HAD ENOUGH. I'm putting my foot down. You can just GO on strike then and see if I care."

  "OK then," hissed Toothless. "T-T-Toothless really will go on strike."

  [Image: Dragon on strike.]

  With great dignity Toothless flapped off Hiccup's shoulder and up to the top of the mast where he

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  perched, muttering to himself in a furious undertone, "T-T-Toothless a BIG BABY, is he? HA! We'll SEE about that, M-M-Mister Smartypants Hiccup.

  L-l-let's just find out how l-l-long you last without the help of the BIG BABY..."

  "What's he doing?" asked Fishlegs.

  Fishlegs didn't speak Dragonese, so he wasn't sure what was going on. "Is he listening out for boats so we can get back to the bay?"

  "Er, no ..." admitted Hiccup, whose head was still spinning after the staring contest with Toothless. "We had a bit of a fight and he's gone on strike. But I've had it up to here with that dragon. He's pushed me too far too often .. . I'm drawing a line in the mud ..."

  "Oh, for Thor's sake!" Fishlegs exploded. "We haven't got time for that now ... LOOK!"

  Hiccup's eyes finally swam back into focus.

  He looked.

  The fog had shifted around, making it difficult to see, but for a moment Hiccup thought he might have glimpsed a black fin, with the jagged edge that made it clear that this was the fin of a Sharkworm, rather than that of its less dangerous relative, the ordinary shark...

  "I don't think that was a Sharkworm, you know,

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  Fishlegs," said Hiccup uncertainly. "I think it's just the fog playing tricks on our eyes ..."

  But Fishlegs wasn't taking any chances. He tried to shake Horrorcow awake, but the little reptile only snored all the harder.

  "We need Toothless! " panicked Fishlegs. "For Thor's sake do something! Apologize! Promise him something large that he can EAT!"

  "You could be right," admitted Hiccup. "OK, Toothless," he called up. Through the fog he could just see the dragon-on-strike perched on top of the swaying mast. "I apologize. We need you. If you fly down and help I'll give you all my supper for the next three weeks!"

  "S-s-sixty seconds," said Toothless to himself with satisfaction. "Sixty seconds and they n-n-need Toothless again."

  "N-n-need listening!" he sang down, examining his talons. "H-H-Hiccup not need the help of a BIG BABY..."

  "Honestly I think we're sort of OK," said Hiccup, squinting at the seas around them. "I can't see anything now and Sharkworms really are only supposed to attack if somebody has an open wound ..."

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  Fishlegs was too panicked to hear what Hiccup was saying. He started yelling up the mast.

  "Toooooothlessssss!"

  "Not listening! Not l-l-listening!" Toothless called back with his wings over his ears.

  Fishlegs shut his eyes in the hope that this wasn't really happening ... and then he opened them again.

  "Listen!" he hissed with frantic relief. "Can you hear what I hear? Sea-dragons!"

  Hiccup sat very still.

  And there it was, a very faint noise of dragons shrieking.

  "A Peaceable fishing boat!" said Fishlegs joyfully. "Just in time, too! This is our lucky day!" He grabbed the rudder off Hiccup and swung it hard around to face in the direction of the noise.

  "Come on, come ON," Fishlegs urged The Hopeful Puffin as the wind caught her sails and took her swiftly forward, "and please don't start turning round in circles."

  To Fishlegs's relief the noise of screaming dragons grew louder and louder and the gray shadowy shape of an enormous boat loomed at them out of the fog.

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  It was a far, far larger boat than Hiccup was expecting. Surely Peaceable fishing boats didn't normally have three layers of oars? And the sound the dragons were making was also unusual.

  "Those dragons aren't hungry, they're angry," said Hiccup slowly.

  "Who cares?" shrieked Fishlegs, grabbing a grappling hook
that was on a rope attached to the prow of The Hopeful Puffin. He threw it so that it caught perfectly over the rim of the larger boat and held.

  Fishlegs was not a great athlete. He had tried this countless times in Boarding-an-Enemy-Ship Lessons and had never managed to throw it successfully before.

  In fact, several times he had nearly knocked himself out in the process. Which just goes to show, it's amazing what a person can do when he feels he is in deadly mortal danger.

  "Hang on a second, Fishlegs!" warned Hiccup. "We have to keep our heads here! We haven't definitely seen a Sharkworm yet, have we? And those dragons are screaming the most awful things in Dragonese..."

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  VIKING DRAGONS AND THEIR EGGS

  The SHARKWORM

  One of the scariest predators in the ocean. You are not safe either in the water or out, for the Sharkworm has thick, muscly alligator legs that allow it to Climb on board ship to kill.

  STATISTICS

  COLORS: Black, green, gray. ARMED WITH: Serrated fangs, claws, etc... 9

  RADAR: Absolutely......8

  POISON: None......0

  HUNTING ABILITY: Unbelievable on sea and land... 10

  SPEED: Astonishingly quick .....10

  FEAR AND FIGHT FACTOR: Don't get in the water.... 10

  [Image: Wings fold into body cavity when swimming]

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  But Fishlegs was in too much of a twitter of terror to listen to Hiccup.

  "Have you forgotten? We're supposed to be boarding a Peaceable fishing boat right now!" he scolded. "Remember Boarding-an-Enemy-Ship lessons? Remember Gobber? Big chap, bad breath, muscles like Bashyballs? He's going to KILL us if we don't come back with a Peaceable helmet, right? Although, of course, it's a fascinating question whether or not that was a deadly man-eating Sharkworm or just a trick of the eyes, I really don't feel like staying here and discussing it somehow ..."

  Fishlegs started climbing the rope.

  Again, Fishlegs was normally hopeless at rope-climbing. But this time he was up that rope as quick as a Shortwing Squirrel serpent scrambling up a tree.

  Hiccup hopped nervously from one foot to another, listening to the furiously angry dragons shrieking from the enormous ship towering above him.

  He couldn't let Fishlegs board the ship alone.

  Hiccup said a quick prayer to Woden, put his hands upon the rope and began to squirm up after his friend.

  "Here goes ..." muttered Fishlegs, as he reached

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  the top of the rope and prepared to climb over the edge and into the boat. He pulled out his sword with one trembling hand. "Remember, they're only fishermen, they're scared silly by Hooligans," he reminded himself. "What was it Gobber said to say when we went over the top? Oh I know, that stupid Hooligan War Cry -- YAAAAH!"

  "Wait!" whispered Hiccup, frantically scrambling up behind him. "Don't do anything rash!"

  But it was too late.

  Hiccup reached the top and Fishlegs threw himself over the side, screaming "Y-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-H!" at the top of his voice. Gobber really would have been proud of him.

  Fishlegs landed on the deck, swinging his sword around his head in his most menacing and barbaric fashion, expecting to be faced by two or three terrified Peaceable fishermen.

  Instead of which, three hundred and fifty of Rome's finest soldiers, heavily armed with the latest in modern weaponry, swiveled round to look at him.

  "Oh brother ..." whispered Hiccup to himself, still swinging from the rope and peering over the rim of the boat. "So much for this being our lucky day ..."

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  3. OUT OF THE COOKING POT AND INTO THE BARBECUE

  "Uh-oh ..." said Fishlegs.

  This was most definitely NOT a Peaceable fishing boat.

  It was, in fact, a sizable Roman ship, seventy meters long from stern to prow. The sails were pure white, and high above, when Hiccup craned his neck, he could see the Roman flag of the Imperial Eagle flapping cheerily in the wind. The boat was crammed with what looked like an entire legion of Roman soldiers, who were now looking at Fishlegs with astonishment and fury.

  There was a gigantic iron cage set near the mast of the boat.

  An enormous number and variety of dragon species were being held prisoner behind the bars of this cage. Deadly Nadders, Flying 'Gators, Big Spotted Gormlesses, Yellow Vampires, Common or Gardens -- you name it, they were all there, trapped together in a furious tangle of talons and wings and fangs, ready

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  to be sent back to the restaurants and shoemakers in Rome.

  "Oh, for Thor's sake," whispered Hiccup. "Roman Dragon rustlers. I do not believe this ..."

  'Ah ..." said Fishlegs with a nervous smile, backing toward the edge of the boat, "I seem to have made some sort of mistake. This is the wrong boat, you see ..." He tried to laugh in an airy fashion. "So sorry to disturb ... Carry on with what you were doing, why don't you ..."

  The nearest soldier, who was a six-feet-five centurion with legs like tree trunks, drew his sword with a nasty flourish.

  "And where do you think you're going?" he asked Fishlegs in Latin.* He put out a big hand to grab Fishlegs, and Fishlegs ducked under his arm in the nick of time.

  "GET HIM!" yelled the big centurion, and six or seven more soldiers made a leap toward Fishlegs.

  * Latin was the language spoken by the Ancient Romans. Most Vikings did not understand this language, but Hiccup had been secretly taught a little Latin by his grandfather, Old Wrinkly. "Might come in useful," Old Wrinkly had said. (As indeed it did, on occasions too numerous to mention.)

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  Now, if Hiccup had been a traditional Hooligan Hero, he would have drawn his sword, Endeavor, and launched himself over the side to the aid of his friend, shouting the Hooligan War Cry at the top of his voice.

  [Image: Pirates.]

  But then if Hiccup had been a traditional Hooligan Hero, he would have been dead as a kipper

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  several books ago. A noble kipper, perhaps, a gloriously brave kipper; but, nonetheless, a very, very dead kipper.

  Instead, Hiccup sneaked over the edge of the boat as quietly as he could. As soft as a ghost, he hid behind a couple of jars of olive oil beside a bit of the deck that was covered by a large tent.

  In the meantime, Fishlegs was being chased by the Roman soldiers. The chase didn't last long. Fishlegs ducked and dodged as best he could but finally ran into the stomach of a gigantic centurion, who picked him clear off the ground.

  "Look who we have here ..." bellowed the centurion, as Fishlegs kicked his legs like a stranded beetle. "A scary little Viking trying to attack us all on his own ..."

  "Har har har!" The other three hundred and forty-nine soldiers thought this was very funny.

  "This is all a big mistake," wailed Fishlegs, scratching himself violently as his eczema started coming out with the anxiety of the moment. "Please let me go ..."

  "Let's take you to the Boss, little barbarian, " said the centurion. He carried Fishlegs over to the tent where Hiccup was hiding.

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  Hiccup peered out from behind his jar. Gently he drew back the curtain so he could see what was happening.

  Bright red in the face and trembling and itching, Fishlegs was brought before two richly dressed men reclining under the tent just a meter away from where Hiccup was crouching.

  One of these men was very, very fat. So fat that parts of his stomach were dripping over the edge of his couch and were being held up by a small slave. The other man was thin and wearing a fancy helmet with a gigantic plume and a face guard that covered his eyes.

  [Image: The fat consul.]

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  The Fat Roman was eating nanodragons in honey from a plate on a low table in front of him. Nanodragons were a tiny species of dragon as numerous as insects. They were about the size of locusts. The poor creatures were still alive and were wriggling but unable to escape from the honey that gummed up their wings. Hiccup coul
d hear their pathetic cries for help as the fat fingers picked them up and gobbled them down.

  [Image: The thin prefect.]

  The Fat Roman was difficult to understand because he was talking with his mouth full.

  "By Jupiter, Prefect," drawled the Fat Roman through a big helping of nanodragon. "I do believe we

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  have been attacked by a teeny-weeny little barbarian..."

  "So we have, Consul," replied the Thin Prefect. "I recognize this one. He is a member of one of the local Tribes I was telling you about. I'm worried that these Tribes might object to OUR FIENDISHLY CLEVER PLAN."

  "Oh yes, remind me what is our Fiendishly Clever Plan again?" asked the Fat Consul.

  "One, disguise ourselves cunningly as Hooligans and kidnap the heir to the Brutish Bog-Burglars..."

  "Marvelous," spluttered the Fat Consul.

  "Two," said the Thin Prefect evilly, "disguise ourselves cunningly as Bog-Burglars and kidnap the heir to the Hairy Hooligans ..."

  "You're a genius," gurgled the Fat Consul.

  "Three, the Bog-Burglars and the Hooligans are so busy fighting each other, they do not notice us STEALING EVERY SINGLE DRAGON IN THE INNER ISLES!"

  "Bravo!" shouted the Fat Consul.

  Hiccup would have loved to hang around and discover more about the plan. But he had important

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  The Romans Fiendishly Clever Plan

  I The Romans disguise themselves cunningly as HOOLIGANS and kidnap the Heir to the BRUTISH BOG-BURGLARS...

  II The Romans disguise themselves cunningly as BOG-BURGLARS and kidnap the Heir to the HAIRY HOOLIGANS...