Into the Light

  I smiled and reached for his hand. “It’s always been like this, hasn’t it? You protecting me?”

  He touched my lips. “I am protecting you, but stop questioning. I can only be patient for so long.”

  His amused tone made me smile. As I settled quietly against the pillows waiting for my lunch, I decided that though this life still didn’t feel right, it no longer felt wrong.

  CHAPTER 12

  Sara

  I lifted my face toward the swish of the opening door. Even after almost two weeks, my body reacted to sounds as if I could see, but I couldn’t, not yet. I hadn’t even tried. My bandages were always changed in the bathroom with the door shut and the lights off. Raquel reassured me that the room could double as a darkroom if I ever wanted to develop film. I didn’t, but it was good to know.

  Dr. Newton explained that healing took time. He was especially concerned about the damage done by the flash of the explosion and warned that premature exposure to light could cause irreparable damage. Though I was curious, after he said that, I knew I’d wait.

  “Hi, Sara.”

  Recognizing familiar voices was getting to be one of my specialties. Excited and somewhat wobbly, I stood. “Elizabeth! I didn’t know you were coming to see me today.”

  She rushed my way and steadied my shoulders. “Should you be doing that? Standing, all by yourself?”

  I grinned. “I can do more than that. I can walk. Watch,” I said, taking one step and then another. “Jacob walked me around and around this room. I know every square inch. As long as no one moves the furniture on me, I’m pretty good. I’m not very fast, but I’m good.”

  “Well, look at you go! You’ll be back to running before you know it.”

  I stopped and turned toward her voice. “Running?”

  “Don’t look so scared. You know what I mean.”

  “No, I mean, yes.” My heart fluttered. “Oh, I remembered running. I did. It’s something I used to do.”

  “You remembered it, like right now?”

  Reaching through the air, I found my way to the chair and sat. As I ran my hands over the vinyl cushion, I smiled. I had been right about the material. “No, it wasn’t right now. It was one of the first days after I woke. I don’t remember exactly. It was before I was supposed to talk, and I was feeling stressed out. I didn’t know where I was or even who I was. I felt like I was going to explode, but I couldn’t. I didn’t have a valve to release the pressure. Do you know what I mean?” I paused for her to respond. When she didn’t, I giggled. “Hey, I’m not seeing head shakes, so I’d appreciate some verbal clues to know you’re still there.”

  Elizabeth laughed. “Oh, sorry. I’m definitely here. So how did that make you remember running?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I was thinking about ways to calm down, to release some stress, and it just came to me. I remembered running through a woods. There were tall trees and a meadow.” I pressed my lips together, trying to recall. “I don’t know. There was sunlight streaming down in beams through the leaves.” I shrugged again. “That’s about it.”

  “Wow, not a lot of sunlight this time of year. Must have been summer. So, did you remember anything else, anything before your accident?”

  I shook my head.

  “That’s not fair; you didn’t give me a verbal clue.”

  “No, I guess it isn’t. But I’d take seeing over being able to shake my head any day.”

  “Hopefully, you’ll be able to do both soon.”

  I sighed. “I hope so.”

  “So, any other memories?”

  “Not really. The good news is that things are becoming more familiar.” I smiled as big as I could. “And more comfortable. Like I recognized your voice and smiling doesn’t hurt my face. My side still hurts, but the headaches aren’t as frequent.”

  “That’s wonderful, and you’re walking!” Her tone became more serious. “If you do remember anything else, be sure to tell Brother Jacob. I’m sure he was happy you had one memory.”

  I found a string on my robe and tugged.

  “Sara?”

  I didn’t respond.

  “You did tell him about remembering running, didn’t you?”

  “No, um, I guess I’d forgotten about it, until you mentioned it. Besides, I’m sure he has other things to think about than a few random memories.”

  Elizabeth moved closer and touched my knee. Judging from the direction from which her voice came, she was bending or kneeling down on the floor. “A few random? You only said running.”

  “Yes, only running and the woods and sunshine. It’s not that big of a deal.”

  “Are you taking your medicine?”

  “Of course, I don’t have much choice. I don’t even know what I’m taking. Each morning either Jacob or Raquel hands me a cup with pills and I swallow them. I wanted to ask.” I leaned back and sighed. “But I can’t.”

  “No, you can’t. You also can’t keep secrets from Brother Jacob. If I didn’t tell Luke something . . . well, let’s just say I’d remember to tell him the next time.”

  My muscles tightened. “I wasn’t hiding this from Jacob. I just forgot.”

  “Then tell him that. Since you weren’t able to speak when you had the memory, he should go easy on you.” She patted my knee. “Hey, enough about that. Have you been listening to the recordings?”

  I nodded, still thinking about Jacob. Would he really be upset over something so trivial? Things were going well. I was doing better with not questioning, yet asking. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t sure if at one time I had been naturally inquisitive or if it was because I was trying to remember so much. Either way, questioning came too easily. Usually, once I’d start to question, I’d catch myself.

  I was petrified when he’d first told me I could speak to anyone who came to see me, but he’d reassured me it was safe. He’d allow only certain people to visit. Nevertheless I knew one of those people would be Sister Lilith. However, ever since the day she’d upset me, she never came alone. Sister Ruth, Brother Daniel’s wife, came with her. I didn’t know if that was Jacob’s doing or not, but I liked Sister Ruth, and the extra company. She didn’t say much. But she was a hugger and always smelled like vanilla. By the way she swallowed my shoulders in her embrace, I believed she was a bigger woman. I might not remember this life, and I’d figured out that women could be freer with their speech with one another than with men, but I knew asking about someone’s weight or size wasn’t appropriate. I didn’t want to offend her. With her present, Sister Lilith never mentioned the accident or my impending punishment. She talked about my position as an Assembly wife and about the importance of my remembering Father Gabriel’s teachings, and we studied.

  At first I studied out of curiosity. I wanted to understand our world better. As time passed I found myself desiring to learn more.

  “Sara?”

  “Sorry. Yes, I’ve been listening to them, a lot. It’s the only noise I have when I’m all alone. I like listening to Father Gabriel’s voice. He’s so knowledgeable. And listening to him and doing my training with Sister Lilith, well, it all makes sense. I guess.”

  “You guess?”

  “I just wonder why I can’t remember any of it. I mean, it’s very interesting and some of it’s pretty deep. It seems like something I shouldn’t forget.”

  “You shouldn’t!” Elizabeth said lightheartedly. “That’s why you’re listening and working with Sister Lilith, so you won’t.”

  “Oh, Elizabeth, please tell me something, something about anything outside of this room. I’m going stir-crazy in here. Now that I can walk, I can’t wait to get home.”

  “Well, this time of year, there isn’t a lot outside, but the northern lights sure have been gorgeous.”

  “Northern lights?”

  “You know, the colorful bands of light in the sky, the aurora borealis.”

  “Um, yes. I think so.”

  “Sara, they’re beautiful. It’s the best part of the dark seas
on . . .”

  I tried to picture what Elizabeth described as she went on about the colors. Apparently the lights are usually a brilliant yellow-green, but lately they’d been red, blue, and even purple. The excitement in her voice made them sound even more beautiful. Though I imagined their radiance, I longed for the time when I’d be able to truly see them.

  If they’re that visible, why don’t I remember them?

  “I thought you needed to be north to see those?” I asked when she paused.

  “You do, silly. I don’t think many people are farther north than us—”

  The door opened and Elizabeth stood. My pulse quickened as she reached for my arm. Her hand trembled as she silently helped me stand. I was about to ask who was here, when he spoke.

  “Sister Sara, Sister Elizabeth.”

  I gasped and grabbed Elizabeth’s arm for support. For a moment I feared falling as my knees weakened. I knew the voice; I’d been listening to it for hours a day. Father Gabriel was in my room. As I tried to reason, I realized I was wearing only a nightgown and robe, mere feet from our leader. Bashfully I pulled the lapels closer together.

  What am I supposed to do? Do I kneel or curtsy? I don’t know.

  “Father,” Elizabeth replied.

  “Sister Elizabeth, it’s nice to see you helping your sister.”

  “Yes, Father.”

  “And Sister Sara, you’re standing. Our God is good to help you heal.” He reached for my hand and held it as he said, “I heard you were feeling better, and I wanted to see for myself.”

  “F-Father Gabriel, thank you.”

  “It’s all right, Sister, you may sit. You’re suddenly pale. Perhaps you’re not well.”

  I felt back for the chair and replied, “Father, I’m just surprised.”

  “You knew me. You remembered my voice.”

  Oh! When Jacob gave me permission to talk to anyone who visited my room, I was certain he hadn’t anticipated Father Gabriel. Yet I’d already spoken and I couldn’t refuse Father Gabriel, could I?

  “I’ve been listening to your sermons. I’ve been hearing your voice throughout my days.”

  “That’s very good news. However, I’d hoped your memory was returning.”

  I lowered my chin and moved my head from side to side. “No, I’m sorry. I’m trying.”

  “That’s what I’ve heard, Sister. That’s all we can ask. I came today to personally invite you back to service. I know you’ve been working with Sisters Lilith and Ruth, but I miss seeing you seated with the Assembly wives. I think it’s time that your seat is filled.”

  “Yes, Father.”

  “Very good. I’ll see you tonight.”

  “Tonight?”

  Someone else had entered my room with Father Gabriel, though whoever it was hadn’t spoken, and I didn’t know his identity. But by his sharp intake of breath, I knew it was a man.

  Oh, shit. Did I just question Father Gabriel?

  “Tonight,” I repeated more confidently, “will be wonderful, with my husband’s permission.” The drumming of my heart echoed in my ears as I tried to decipher whether I’d saved myself, or made it worse.

  Do I need my husband’s permission, or does Father Gabriel’s invitation supersede Jacob’s orders?

  “Very good, Sister. It seems as though Brother Jacob was correct, you’re relearning the ways of The Light well. Sister Elizabeth, you may assist Sister Sara during this evening’s service.”

  “Yes, Father,” Elizabeth replied, “with my husband’s permission, I’d be happy to.”

  When she reached down and squeezed my hand, I exhaled. I’d said that right.

  “We’ll leave you ladies to your devotions. Tonight.”

  “Thank you, Father,” Elizabeth and I said in unison.

  Neither of us spoke for a few moments after the shutting of the door. The silence continued to grow as my trepidation waned and shock grew. Finally I squeezed Elizabeth’s hand one more time and whispered, “Holy shit!”

  “Sara!” Elizabeth exclaimed with a giggle. “Don’t let Brother Jacob or any other man hear you speak that way.”

  “But Father Gabriel was here! Oh, I need to tell Jacob.” I stood and took a step toward my bed. “Elizabeth, I need clothes. Do I have clothes here? I can’t go to service in a nightgown and robe.” Falling back to the edge of the bed, I doubled forward and held my head. “Oh my gosh! Will I be punished for wearing this when he visited?”

  “That’s up to Brother Jacob, but you didn’t have much choice. It wasn’t like he announced he was coming.” She was speaking from across the room, near my closet. “You have a skirt and sweater here, but I don’t think you should change without . . .”

  “I know, without Jacob’s knowledge.” My voice sounded defeated, even to me. “Be honest, please. Will Jacob be upset? Did I really question Father Gabriel?”

  “I can’t presume to answer for Brother Jacob, but you recovered beautifully.” She sat beside me and gently elbowed my good side. “Father Gabriel even smiled at your response.”

  He smiled? Is that good?

  “Who was the other person, and why didn’t he announce himself? That’s rude. It’s obvious I can’t see.”

  Elizabeth reached for my knee and lowered her voice. “Sara, I want to help you. I’m trying, but you need to be mindful. If we weren’t friends, I could share this with Luke, and he’d tell Brother Jacob. The other person was Brother Timothy, and you should remember that a man doesn’t owe us his words. He grants them. Your saying that he was rude makes you prideful. And the language you used makes you vulgar.”

  A tear escaped my bandages and slid down my cheek. “That’s what I don’t understand. I’m not good at this. I’m really not.”

  Elizabeth’s arms wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me toward her. “You are. You were, and you’ll get better again. I won’t say anything, but you should.”

  “What?” I pulled away and sat straight.

  “Our husbands can’t be with us all the time. If we’re honest about our transgressions when they’re away, it shows them that we are trustworthy.”

  Prideful and vulgar?

  More tears joined the stream. “No, I’m supposed to be at service tonight. I don’t want Jacob upset with me. I need him. If I tell him, he’ll be angry.”

  “He won’t be upset. However, if he thinks your behavior warrants punishment, he’ll handle it. Besides, other than walking you to your seat, he can’t be with you at service.”

  “He can’t?” I asked.

  “No, he sits with the Assemblymen. As wives of the Assembly, we sit together just behind the Commission wives.”

  “So that’s why Father Gabriel told you to assist me? You’ll be with me?”

  “With Luke’s permission I will. So will Raquel. I believe Brother Benjamin will also approve.”

  I reached out and patted her leg. The material of her jeans made me think. “You’re wearing jeans?”

  “I am.” She giggled. “That’s a subject change.”

  “I guess it is. Why do I have a skirt?”

  “Well, you have jeans too, if that’s what you’re asking. I’ve seen you wear them. I’d guess that Brother Jacob thought a skirt would be easier with your cast.” Oh, that makes sense. “And we all wear dresses or skirts to service, even in this cold weather,” she added. “Most of us are more casual for evening prayer. There’re some who feel the need to always be dressed up. I’m sure you’ve noticed the high heels. I mean, we wear most everything we did in the dark, within reason. All the fashions in our store are approved first by the Commission. Our bodies are our temples, and we don’t share that with anyone but our husbands.”

  She stood and continued, “With as cold as it’s been, whether we’re at evening prayer or our jobs, most women of The Light wear jeans and warm boots. Truthfully, modesty is dictated by Father Gabriel, but the particulars are up to our husbands. You wore jeans and warm boots before. I don’t know why that would change.”

&n
bsp; I nodded. Of course it is up to him. Everything seems to be up to my husband.

  “Sara, it’s still early in the afternoon. Service isn’t until seven. I’ll speak with Luke about assisting you, and he’ll talk to Jacob.”

  Suddenly the memory of what Sister Lilith had said about the Assembly wives came back. “Elizabeth?”

  “What?”

  “Are you appalled by me?”

  “What? No!”

  “Do the other wives of the Assembly hate me?”

  “Of course not. Father Gabriel doesn’t preach hate.” She wrapped her arms around me and hugged. “We’re all sisters.”

  I smiled a sad smile. “Thank you.”

  “As long as Luke approves, I won’t leave your side. Who knows? Maybe you’ll recognize the voices.”

  I nodded.

  Maybe?

  As my afternoon progressed, my anxiety grew. Though I listened to Father Gabriel’s recordings, I couldn’t concentrate. The words prideful and vulgar kept repeating in my mind.

  How is it that it was my friend who upset me—not Sister Lilith, not Jacob, but my friend?

  Maybe it was because I cared what Elizabeth thought. I cared about her friendship.

  Will she decide she doesn’t want to be friends any longer if I can’t remember the past, if I’m too different? What will happen if I do as she suggests and confess to Jacob? Don’t we have enough happening, with going to service?

  Remembering the running, I tried to pace the confines of my room. Though the cast made my left leg longer than my right, causing an uneven gait that aggravated my rib, I continued to move. Freedom was more important than the pain. After so long in my bed, I relished the ability to stand, walk, and sit of my own accord. Yet with each minute I waited for Jacob, my apprehension of the unknown grew. I knew this room and was familiar with it. I’d counted the steps from my bed to the wall, my bed to the bathroom, and my bed to . . . anywhere within these four walls. I knew what was expected of me here.

  What will happen out there, at service? What will happen when Jacob returns?

  I rolled my head and shoulders, trying to relieve the tight muscles. My mind wanted to run, yet my body could hardly handle the pacing. Obviously my strength wasn’t up to par. After a few laps, I’d sit, rest, and then try it again. During my walks I stopped at the closet multiple times to see my clothes. Of course I couldn’t see. I could touch and feel. Elizabeth could be right, I might have jeans at home, but I didn’t here. Mostly everything I touched was soft and long—nightgowns, I assumed. I found the skirt and sweater she’d mentioned. Now I wondered about a bra. I hadn’t worn one since I’d awakened. It was one more thing to add to my stress.