Into the Light

  Now that I could see, everything was different.

  Jacob pulled me closer, and his breath skirted across my hair. “Whether you remember it, or you’ve recently relearned it, tell me what Father Gabriel says about a wife’s thoughts.”

  I exhaled. “Just like everything else, they belong to you, but,” I added, “I’m not keeping anything from you. I really don’t know how to say what I’m thinking. Honestly, I’m not even sure what I’m thinking.” As more tears silently fell to the pillow, I tried to still my shudders, not wanting Jacob to know I was crying. When he didn’t respond, I swallowed and went on. “I wanted to remember your face. Why can’t I remember? Will I ever have a past?”

  He kissed the top of my head. “We all have a past. This morning was your past, so was the day before and the one before that. If further back never comes, a year from now, this will be our past.”

  A closed-lip smile came as I nodded.

  “A past is as long or as short as we want to make it. When we came here to follow Father Gabriel, we chose to leave our lives in the dark behind.”

  When his hold loosened, I rolled toward him. “I don’t want to go back to the dark. I just want to know, to have the memories. Is it wrong to want that?”

  “To want it?” he repeated. “No. To question the reason it was taken from you, yes.”

  I sighed. “That means that I can’t ask about it.”

  Jacob leaned over me, his chest flattening my breasts. With our proximity in the darkened room, I could only make out his form, his shoulders, arms, and the silhouette of his hair against some distant faint light. There were no details. Hearing his familiar voice, without seeing his unfamiliar eyes, eased my anxiety. He smoothed the hair away from my face and kissed my nose. “We both follow Father Gabriel. You aren’t the only one who must obey the rules. I can’t question why you lost those memories any more than you can question me. All I can do is hold tight to the memories I have of us, for both of us. Even though you don’t remember my face, I remember yours.” He traced under my eyes, wiping away the remnants of tears. “I remember your beautiful blue eyes, the way they open with amazement at new discoveries and the way they flutter as you come apart beneath me.” He was back to stroking my hair. “I remember the first time we made love and every time since.

  “I remember the first time I saw you, the first time I heard your voice, and”—he brushed his lips against mine—“the first time I kissed you.” He scoffed, “It wasn’t supposed to happen, but I couldn’t resist. I knew you were mine from the first time I saw you, even if you didn’t.”

  His memories gave me a sliver of my past. “I didn’t?”

  “No, not then. You were dating someone else.”

  “What? That was before we were here, right?”

  “Yes, it was before everything.”

  He sighed and laid his head back on his pillow. I was afraid he’d stop talking, yet more scared to ask him to continue. Thankfully, he didn’t stop, but when he resumed speaking, his voice had a faraway tone, as if he was seeing it all again.

  “You were laughing, and I thought you were one of the prettiest women I’d ever seen. You have a great laugh.” He reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers. “I know this crash course in remembering how to be an Assemblyman’s wife hasn’t given you many opportunities for laughter. That’s why I want your memories to come back. Sometimes it seems like we’re back at the beginning. I want to be beyond that . . .” He was back up with his elbow beside me and his head on his hand. Looking down at me, he continued, “To where you laugh instead of cry.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  He touched my lips. “To where you’re not constantly apologizing.”

  I kissed his finger. “I’d like that too, but you have to admit, this hasn’t been easy. I mean my eyes, leg, and ribs. I’ve just gotten my sight back. We’ve been banished, and my hair is gone.”

  “I do.” He exhaled. “I admit that it’s been a rough few weeks, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

  “The Light?” I asked with a smirk.

  “Yes. See? It’s something everyone wants.”

  “I do see that, and I understand that we’re here, on the biggest campus, as part of the chosen.” I ran my palm over his handsome cheek. “And at one time, I chose to be here with you. Though I don’t remember that, I wanted it, and I still do. I want The Light.” I shook my head. “I’m sure that as we go forward there’ll be times when I mess up and you’ll correct me, but when I do, I’m asking you to understand that it’s not intentional. Today, driving off the campus made me sad. I want to go back. This pole barn and the hangar might not be the dark, but for the life of me, I don’t think I was driving away in your truck. I can’t imagine wanting to leave you or Father Gabriel. I mean, first off, you said we’re on the edge of the circumpolar north. Second, Father Gabriel travels by plane.” My volume rose. “Third, there are polar bears. None of that makes it even seem possible to drive away, and if it were, it wouldn’t be something I’d be willing to do alone.”

  “Once our banishment is over and Father Gabriel reintroduces us to followers, the accident is over. Just like any other correction, it’s gone, as if it never happened.”

  “Reintroduces us? Do you mean like in front of everyone?”

  “Yes.”

  I groaned and buried my head in his hard chest.

  “Don’t make me tell you again about your hair and how proud I am to have you at my side.” His tone was somewhere between tender and stern.

  “I think maybe I could wear a scarf.”

  “Around your neck to stay warm.”

  “A hat,” I tried.

  “Sara.”

  Yes, I was pushing this too far. “Fine, whatever you say. Jacob?”

  “Do not suggest another head covering.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not. I wanted to thank you for arranging to have Raquel here today and Sister Ruth tomorrow.”

  “I’m confident that Brother Timothy and Sister Lilith won’t try anything else, but Brother Daniel suggested that Sister Ruth come out, and I thought it would make you more comfortable.”

  “Why are you confident they won’t do anything else?”

  “Sara.” His tone wasn’t joking.

  “I’m sorry.” Shit! Now I’m apologizing. “I know you said Brother Daniel is our overseer, but he’s on the Commission. I’m afraid that all the Commissioners are like Brother Timothy.”

  “They’re not.” He lay back and pulled me to his shoulder. As I cuddled close with the knee in the cast on his thigh, I listened as he talked about Brother Daniel and Sister Ruth. Apparently when we first arrived I hadn’t been as good a cook as I was now—I didn’t know I was—and Sister Ruth had spent a lot of time with me, teaching me. “It’s pretty obvious she’s a great cook,” he added.

  I laughed. “I knew it. From the way she hugged me at the hospital, I knew she was a bigger woman.”

  “Did you hear that?”

  I lifted my head; all I’d heard was his voice reverberating from his chest with the steady beat of his heart. “No, I didn’t hear anything.”

  “I did,” he said, lifting me and pulling my cast across him. “It was your laugh.”

  “Jacob?”

  “I believe you mentioned something—an alternative—at the clinic.”

  Oh, wow!

  I laughed again. Holding on to his chest, I moved my knees to either side of his torso. With my breasts hanging above him, he leaned forward and captured a suddenly hardened nipple between his lips. As he sucked, noises came from my throat and my insides came back to life.

  Gazing up at me, he brushed my cheek. “Sara, I’d like this to bring back your memories, but if all I get out of it is that magical laugh, I’ll take it.”

  Placing my hands on his shoulders, I rose to my knees, and asked, “Is that all you’re getting out of this?”

  With my hips trapped in his strong grip, he grinned and replied, “No, I’m
getting more; I also want those sexy moans of yours.” A mere shift of his arms and I was up and then down.

  “Oh, God,” I whimpered as we came together for the second time in one night. I’d definitely be tender tomorrow; however, as his rippled torso flexed under my palms and his neck craned with pleasure, tomorrow wasn’t one of my concerns.

  Though I was on top, I held no illusion of control. Jacob’s large hands choreographed, directing my speed and position. I was merely along for the ride, but oh, what a ride. He knew exactly how to manipulate, taking me to the brink and backing away. On and on I rode until finally my world imploded. My body, no longer mine, fell slack against his. When our foreheads came together he pulled my hips toward his, animalistic need radiating so strongly through his grasp that I wondered if I’d have marks in the morning. Before I could give it a second thought, a deep guttural growl came from his chest and his lips curled to a smile just before they captured mine. Compared to the desire he’d just shown, his kiss was tender. He released my hips and hugged my shoulders.

  Once our breathing settled, still lying on top of him, I asked, “May I ask you something?”

  “You may ask . . .”

  “But you may not answer,” I quipped, mocking his usual response. My behind stung with the swat of his hand.

  “You’re too smart for your own good. Ask before I use more than my hand.”

  “I guess it isn’t really a question. It’s just that I wanted to say I loved hearing your memories, like our first kiss, the first time we saw one another, and the first time we . . . did this. Thank you for sharing.”

  “Thank you for making those memories with me.”

  I couldn’t have been more wrong, thinking Brother Daniel would be like Brother Timothy. The moment Jacob met him and Sister Ruth at the door, I knew they were different. Even when Brother Timothy had come to my room right after I woke, I’d sensed Jacob’s unease. With our overseer my husband was as comfortable as he was when the two of us were alone.

  After greeting Jacob, Sister Ruth came straight to me, framed my face with her cool, pudgy hands, and looked me right in the eye. The faint scent of vanilla surrounded her. “Sara, I want you to know that I’ve prayed every day for your sight. Thank Father Gabriel that you’ve been healed.” Her smile stretched her cheeks. “And, my dear, Sister Raquel has done quite the job: you’re absolutely lovely. I know Brother Jacob knows how blessed he is.” She winked. “But I’m going to remind him, just for good measure.” She whispered the last part as she surrounded me in her hug.

  I looked to Brother Daniel, a tall, older man with graying hair, and said, “Thank you, Brother and Sister, for coming out. Jacob shared that it was your idea. Thank you for helping me feel better.”

  “Sister,” Brother Daniel said in a deep, commanding voice, “on behalf of the Commission and Father Gabriel, while it will take a while for your hair to grow, once your banishment is complete, the incident will be behind both of you.” He reached for my hand. “That is what Father Gabriel teaches. Never doubt his word.”

  My head moved from side to side. “I never would, Brother. I willingly accept his decree, and I’m anxious to return to the community.”

  He smiled from me to Jacob. “Sister, that’s good to hear.” Looking to Jacob, he said, “Call once you land. I’ll come back and get Ruth.”

  “I will, Brother. The plane is ready. I should be able to leave soon.”

  Brother Daniel clapped Jacob’s shoulder and turned to Sister Ruth. I had no doubt they had the same type of relationship that I shared with Jacob, yet I wondered how long they’d been married, because the adoration in both of their gazes was tangible. “Ruth, remember, if necessary, you have my permission to use the phone.”

  “Thank you, Daniel.” She squeezed my hand. “We’ll be so busy, nothing will bother us.”

  I liked her confidence, and wondered what she had planned.

  “Brother Jacob,” she said, “we had to park outside. In the back of Daniel’s SUV are some bags. If you’d be so kind as to bring those in for us, I believe your lovely wife will have a dinner fit for a king when you return.”

  The way his eyes grew at that possibility made me smile.

  “I’d be happy to get whatever you need to make that happen.”

  It was true that so far we’d eaten only already prepared meals. With my lack of sight, my great cooking skills had been limited to warming things and to preparing cereal, toast, coffee, and sandwiches. This morning I’d ventured to eggs and bacon.

  After a few minutes the men were gone, and I was putting the contents of Sister Ruth’s bags on the kitchen table. Salmon wrapped in white paper, sweet potatoes, onions, peppers, apples, the ingredients kept coming, and not one of them was from a box or packet.

  “Sister,” I sighed as I looked at everything, “Jacob told me that you taught me how to do this once. I admit I don’t remember. I’m excited to receive a refresher course.”

  She patted my hand. “We made notes the first time. I believe they’re in the kitchen of your apartment. Hopefully, that can help you, but you know that you can always ask me. With Daniel’s permission, I’d love to spend more time with you.”

  I lowered my chin. “I’m sorry if I embarrassed the Assembly and Commission wives.”

  She lifted my chin. “Sara, I’d never be ashamed of you. I accept the Commission’s decision and Father Gabriel’s decree, but the strong, intelligent young woman I know would never willfully leave The Light nor her husband. I remember the first time I saw you and Brother Jacob. The love that you two shared hasn’t disappeared. I know that. Brother Daniel and I’ve been married for over thirty years. The way you look at Brother Jacob and the way he looks at you, your love is still there. Isn’t it?”

  “It is,” I admitted. “I don’t know if it’s as obvious as what I noticed between you and Brother Daniel, but it’s there. I love my husband.”

  Her inviting smile filled me with the sense of a mother or grandmother. “Now,” she said, “let’s get started. You have a lot of cooking to do.”

  I bit my lip. “I really don’t . . .”

  “Stop. When I first came to your room after your accident, you didn’t remember Father Gabriel. Do you know who he is now?”

  I nodded. “I do.”

  “If I asked you to recite our declaration of faith, could you?”

  I took a breath and stood tall. “I could. ‘We the followers . . .’”

  She winked. “I know it; you don’t need to recite it. I’m proud of you. In another week you’ll be making your husband’s meals just like you used to.”

  The day flew by as we chopped, sliced, peeled, and created. The entire time we talked like old friends. When I put the apple pie in the oven, I blew out a breath. “If you hadn’t told me otherwise, I’d swear I’d never done that before.”

  Sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, Sister Ruth said, “I’m sure you remember that not all meals will be this elaborate. When I was your age and still worked, I used my Crock-Pot much more often.”

  I hadn’t thought about my job. Brushing the flour off the counter, I turned, and asked, “What do I do?”

  “Oh, Sara, you really don’t remember?”

  I moved my head back and forth. “Sister, everything really is gone.”

  “You work in the chemistry lab with Brother Benjamin and Brother Raphael.”

  I widened my eyes. “I do?” Scrunching my nose, I asked, “You don’t know what I do there, do you?”

  “No, my dear, Assembly wives have more distinguished jobs than the average follower. Obviously most of them, men and women, work in the processing plant. It takes a lot of manpower to produce Father Gabriel’s product.”

  I nodded. “Does his product have something to do with chemistry?”

  “Yes, Brothers Raphael and Benjamin perfect the formulas. To be honest, I don’t know how it all works. You probably know more than I do, since you work with them.”

  I moved to the table an
d sat. “And the followers produce the . . . ?”

  She patted my hand. “Medications—pharmaceuticals. Father Gabriel delivers medication to those in need all over the world. It’s a wonderful ministry that spreads The Light to those who can’t afford it or areas where health care is limited.”

  “That’s great.”

  “It is. We’ve been with Father Gabriel since The Light began. Even early on he knew this vision of his would come to fruition. It’s not up to us to question how it all works. We do our part to make it happen. Truly, we’re blessed to be part of this ministry. Now, of course, in case you’ve forgotten, the particulars of his vision can’t be discussed with all the followers. There’s a reason we’re part of the chosen.”

  I nodded, thankful that she’d come and helped me remember so much. My mind wandered to my job, and I worried about Brothers Raphael and Benjamin. I hoped they’d be as patient with me as Raquel, Sister Ruth, and Jacob. “Sister? If I have difficulties at my job, would Brother Raphael or Benjamin . . . correct me?”

  “Of course, they’re men—it’s their right.” Losing her grip on the warm mug, she patted my hand. “However, only our husbands have the right to deliver the correction you’re concerned about. But rest assured, if they believe it’s necessary, they’ll tell Brother Jacob.”

  I’m sure they will.

  The remaining days of our banishment passed without incident. Sister Ruth visited two more times, always leaving me more confident than she’d found me. I actually made edible meals and continued to study Father Gabriel’s teachings. By the time Jacob came back from Assembly on the final Wednesday morning of our banishment, I thought I was ready to be back in the community. However, when he announced that Father Gabriel wanted us at service that night, my stomach knotted; I swallowed as my expression undoubtedly gave away my trepidation.

  “Sara.” The one word was delivered as both a warning and a reprimand, one I’d learned to discern, having heard it a thousand times in the past month.

  “I want to ask about the scarf again, but I won’t.”