The Weight of Destiny

  I close my eyes, wondering if the hole in my chest will do me in; take me over until there’s nothing left but darkness. “Yes, sir.”

  Once facing the door again, I twist the knob, squeeze it with all the strength I have in my hand. “You’re right about it just being a mistake. Virginia is a good person…the best. Maybe it doesn’t matter, but she was always cool to me, even when most people wouldn’t have been. Virginia almost made me feel like I could do it.”

  “Does she let you call her Virginia?” he asks.

  “Yeah.” I don’t tell him Lulu isn’t a strong enough name for her, but it’s not. She’ll always be Virginia to me.

  The door is open when he asks, “Made you feel like you could do what?”

  “Be a better man.”

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  ~Virginia~

  There once was a girl named Sadness. She lived and breathed her name. It became every part of her. Her name lived in every cell of her body, every particle in her blood. It danced on beats of her heart, taunting her. Echoed in her head, reminding her of the person she was.

  Sadness didn’t know how to swim, not from the depths of her tears. They got bigger and bigger, deeper and deeper, until her head sunk below the surface, the rocks in her pockets making it impossible to stay afloat.

  Sadness was even sadder down here.

  She tried and tried to take the rocks from her pockets, but Sadness had glued them there.

  One rock for the boy she lost, and not just because she lost him, either. Because she didn’t want him to blame himself.

  Another rock for the father she loved more than anything, the man who was always there for her, but who now didn’t trust her.

  A rock for her mom, who she loved, but was scared to love at the same time.

  There was another rock for her own mistakes, and another for her fear. Her decisions and the pain Sadness had inflicted on everyone she loved.

  The weight she carried couldn’t be carried. There was nothing left to do, besides live in her tears.

  ~*~

  “Shut up!” I sit in the middle of my bed, with my knees up, fingers tightly woven in my hair as I rock back and forth. “Just shut up!”

  I want the words gone, the stories that fill my head. They don’t belong there, and yet more and more I’m drowning in them. They want out, to be free. Mom once told me that writing is freeing, but to me it’s chains—chains, ropes, and handcuffs, telling me who I’m going to be.

  Is that how it started for Mom? Voices in her head that wanted to escape? They came out in stories and books, and other people? Even to my own ears that sounds stupid. I’m a smart girl, but I think the heart really is the strongest muscle in the body. It can bench press a million times more weight than your brain, because no matter how much my head tells me something, my heart always overpowers it out. My heart, the little house in my chest where all the parts of me live, all the bits and pieces that make me —The fear and loathing, the loneliness and sadness.

  The walls are strong; the brick house that keeps out the wolf, even when I know this is a wolf I should let in. My brain.

  “Lulu? Are you about ready to go?” Dad calls through my door before pushing it open.

  I don’t reply.

  “It’s been two weeks. Don’t you think it’s about time you started talking to me?”

  Something sharp on the handle of my suitcase pokes my hand when I grab it.

  Dad sighs. “If you’re going to beat traffic, you need to head to your mom’s now.”

  Without a word to him, I walk out of my room.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

  ~Ryder~

  Cool air rushes in from outside when I open the door for my friends.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to go out? You only turn eighteen once.” Tanner asks.

  “Nah, I’m cool. Thanks, man.”

  He frowns but nods and then walks out. Cody sets a hand on my shoulder and squeezes before he bails, too.

  “Ry…”

  “Don’t. We’re good,” I tell Drea. I see the worry in her eyes. The apology. “If you start feeling bad for me then I know I’m really fucked. I just feel like chilling today.” Like Cody did on my shoulder, Drea squeezes my hand and walks out.

  “I’ll catch you guys in a minute.” Shane closes the door. “Where’s Luke?” My best friend walks over to the window and looks out.

  I go over and stand beside him. Even though Shane already knows the answer to his question, I say, “Work. He has to take extra shifts to cover all the money I cost him.”

  Shane fingers the wheel on his skateboard, quiet. It’s got to be a full minute before he speaks. “You ever feel like you’re stuck in like…what the fuck are they? One of those wheels hamsters run in? Over and over, you keep going, but you’re not getting anywhere?”

  A sarcastic laugh falls out of my mouth. “Yeah, I get that.”

  “I know you do.”

  More quiet, which is strange. Shane either doesn’t say anything or he cuts to the chase. This isn’t like him. “I’m sorry, man. About you and Virginia. If I would’ve been with you, I would have taken the hit so you didn’t have to. Then at least you could still see her.”

  And he would have. I’d do the same for him. “It was only a matter of time, anyway. Thanks, though. You’ll always be my boy.”

  Shane laughs. “Now we sound like Tanner and Cody.”

  I chuckle and then wait for him to say what he wants to say.

  “I get it, though…being into someone when you know it will never fucking happen.”

  My neck gets a sharp pain, I whip my head in his direction so quickly. “What? Who?” Shane never hooks up with anyone.

  Slowly, he glances up. For a split second I think he’s going to say me and I wonder how in the hell I missed that, but then he turns his head towards the window and looks out.

  Whoa. “Dre?” And then, holy shit. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  More playing with the wheel on his board. “Because she’s always been into you. I thought you’d end up falling for her. You guys messed around enough.” He shakes his head and looks down. “Wanted you to be happy.”

  Guilt eats through my gut. “Fuck, Shane. You should have told me. I never would have touched her.”

  Two people. I hurt not just one but two of the people who are the most important to me—Shane and Drea both. And that’s not counting my brother or Virginia.

  “So you’re not…”

  “No. Hell no.” He thinks I’m going to start hooking up with Drea again because it’s over with Virginia. “It’s not like that. I really love her. Virginia. And even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t do that again. I wouldn’t hurt Dre…or you.”

  He thinks about this a minute, then nods. “Okay, I’m gonna bounce. You sure you don’t want to come out?”

  “No. I’m good.”

  Shane goes out to his car, and I watch my friends drive away. It’s a couple hours later as I’m sitting on my bed when I hear the sound outside my window.

  My room faces the back, away from the street, and the only thing I can think is that Virginia came to see me. There’s no one else who would come to my window. Maybe she’s freaked thinking Luke is here.

  When I pull the blinds and see who it is, my first thought is disappointment that it’s not her. My second thought is holy shit…

  My stupid hand shakes again as I reach for the latch on the window. “Dad?”

  “Is Luke here?” he asks. He’s grown a beard since I last saw him. Not a thick one, but it’s different. His hair used to be dark like mine, but now it has an auburn tint to it as if he dyed it.

  “No.” Dad’s here. I can’t believe he’s here. My body is unable to move.

  “Come outside with me. I don’t have long.”

  I physically have to force myself to move, though I’m not sure why. Shock or fear? Or is it something worse? For years all I thought about was the day my dad would come and take me away, let me live again. So
meone who knows who I am, and is proud of that person. Now, he’s here, and what I really want to do is run.

  “You didn’t think I’d miss your eighteenth birthday, did you?” Dad pulls me into a hug the minute I step out back. His arms feel different. He’s wearing gloves where the fingers stick through, which strikes me as weird, even though I can’t pinpoint why.

  Yes…you’ve missed quite a few of my birthdays since you left slams into my head, followed by, it’s not his fault. It’s not as if Dad ever wanted to leave me…and he came back. Like I always knew he would, he came back. For me. Not because he had to, because he wanted to. Dad looks around before focusing on me again.

  “Listen, Ry. I don’t have a lot of time. I’m jumpy just being in this piece of shit town again. I hated leaving you with Luke, but I didn’t have a choice. They would have looked a lot harder if I had a minor with me. You’re eighteen now, though. You can leave and no one can do shit about it. I have this really great gig back east. We’re staying outside Detroit. Jesus, it’s cold as a witch’s tit out there. You’ll get used to it. Anyway, we’re taking cars. We need a follow driver. I know it’s not the best gig, but it’s a start, and you’ll work your way up real quick and the money is great.”

  “You came back,” sort of falls out of my mouth. Michigan. He’s been in Michigan.

  “Of course I did. I told you I’d come back for you. Is that brother of yours filling your head with shit about me?”

  I shake my head.

  “Good. Now listen, I told the new crew how good you are—how you were fucking born to lift shit. You prove yourself as a follow driver, and you’ll be able to move up. You won’t believe the money we’re making down there, kid.”

  Dad shoves an envelope into my hand. “I got you a bus ticket and a fake ID, in case you don’t have one. I don’t want anyone to be able to trace where you went. If you have a car, you can’t take it, but it’s not like we can’t get you one when you get to Detroit.”

  My head is spinning, going out of control. “What about school?”

  Dad’s forehead wrinkles. “Fuck school, Ryder. What the hell is a high school diploma going to do for you? Teach you to live? Survive? Since when did school matter to you? He did this, didn’t he?” Dad steps backward. “Luke turned you against me.”

  “No!” I shake my head. “He didn’t.”

  Dad smiles. “Good. It would be a waste, losing skills like yours. The ticket is for Monday. There’s the name of a hotel in the envelope, too. When you get to Detroit, go there. Stay a few days, and then when I’m sure everything’s cool, I’ll come get you.”

  Dad turns and heads for the trees behind our house before he stops, looks at me, and winks. “It’s good to see ya, kid. I’m proud of you for never turning your back on me.”

  He disappears and my head pounds with an overload of every emotion.

  I’m proud of you.

  I told you I’d come back for you.

  I told the new crew how good you are.

  I hated leaving you.

  Luke never wanted me.

  There’s never really been anything I’m good at besides working with Dad.

  I lost Virginia. Hurt Drea and Shane, and made things uncomfortable with our friendship.

  Now Dad is back. He wants me—needs me. With him, I don’t have to feel guilty for my past. There’s no judgment. No complicated drama. Just my destiny waiting for me.

  The choice is already made.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  ~Virginia~

  “Do you want to watch a movie or something?” Mom asks on the second night of our “bonding” weekend.

  “Whatever.” I’m being a brat, I know. It’s been the same with Dad, but I can’t seem to stop myself. It’s different with Mom. There are more words, but words don’t always mean more is being said. It doesn’t mean we’re closer than Dad and I, or that we’ve made some kind of breakthrough.

  I think it might mean I missed her even more than I realized, though.

  “You know what? I changed my mind. We’re not going to watch a movie.” Mom turns off the TV. “We’re going to talk. I want you to start journaling. We’ve talked about this before, but I mean it this time. Dad and I spoke. Whatever it is you have going on, whatever you’re feeling, you’re not getting it out, and that’s important, Virginia. You have to get it out. If you won’t talk to us, then writing—”

  “I talked to Ryder! But then, he lives in the wrong town so you won’t let me see him.” Every word that just came out of my mouth is a lie. Yes, I talked to Ryder, but not completely. I never told him everything. And I know my parents. The fact that Ryder is poor and lives where he does has nothing to do with their decision. Still, I don’t take back the words.

  “That’s not fair. You know that’s not the way it is.”

  “Life’s not fair.” I toss back a statement I’ve heard a hundred times over the years.

  Mom sighs and sits up farther on the couch. Her body language changes, gets more wooden, determined. “You’re acting like a child right now, and I think you know it. You’re almost eighteen years old. You want to prove you can handle a relationship with that boy, and that you’ll make good decisions, then you need to act like it. And if you don’t want to write, that’s fine. You’ll talk to someone, then. I refuse to sit back and let you keep things bottled in, because one day, that bottle will explode.”

  My legs jerk, bounce me off the couch. “Talk to someone?” A shrink. She thinks I need a shrink? Oh, God.

  Mom pushes to her feet, too. “Yes! If that’s what it takes! I am not going to lose you. I’m not going to lose our relationship. I’m not going to let you lose yourself. We’ll see someone together if you want, or you can go alone, but you need to get this out, Virginia. Your anger and hurt toward me, I get it, but you have to let it out, and you’re not doing that. It’s going to eat you alive.”

  “Maybe it already has!” I shove away from the couch to look for my shoes. “You don’t get it. You don’t know what it’s like.”

  “Then tell me.” Mom follows behind me.

  I can’t. So I don’t answer.

  “If you can’t tell me, you’re going to tell someone else. I made you an appointment. Her name is—”

  I let loose a scream of frustration. How dare she make decisions like this without talking to me? She’s deciding who I am, what I need, when she doesn’t know anything. When she’s still trying to figure herself out.

  There once was a girl named…

  “Mommy?”… “Ugh, it’s you again.”

  “You’ll be just like her, you know. You try to hide it, try to deny it, but I see it in you. Every day I look in the mirror at your mom’s eyes, and I see the same look flash back. The one you’re showing me right now. You want it, don’t you, Lulu, or Virginia, or whatever your name is? You want to run free, like her. You want to be wild and fun, and that’s what scares you. You know you’re already her…”

  No… I shake my head. “I’m not you! I’ll never be you! I don’t need to talk to a shrink because I’m not crazy!” Tears are pouring down my face.

  My head is full of a voice that’s not mine. A voice that’s my mom’s, only it isn’t her speaking. Or maybe it is. I don’t know. Maybe Samantha said all the things Mom has wanted to say to me over the years. Maybe she knows more than I do. Maybe she’s right…

  She told me I’m Mom. She sees the same look in my eyes that she sees in the mirror. My whole life I’ve feared she’s right. “I’m not crazy,” I repeat. “I’m not you.”

  Mom stops moving. Her eyes are closed, her body curved in defeat. And then it’s like someone puts new bones into her body. She stands straight. Her arms get stiff. Her legs almost look like they lengthen. When her eyes open, I know it’s not my mom I’m looking at.

  There is no way to describe how that feels. People on the outside, they don’t get it. They don’t see. People don’t believe in DID, but it’s real. I’ve lived it, and if you haven’t, you can
’t know.

  “Now you’ve done it,” someone whom I assume is Amelia says.

  “D-done what?” I take a step backward. Mom…I’m sorry.

  “Why are you backing away? I’m not going to hurt her. Don’t you get it? I’m here to protect her. We always have been.”

  “Protect her?” My voice is soft. “Protect her from what?”

  “From pain…from remembering. We’re not supposed to tell you. She wouldn’t want you to know. You’re a smart girl, Virginia. Don’t tell me you haven’t done your research.” Amelia goes to the chair beside me and sits down. And I want her back. I want my mom back. I want us to be okay, be normal. Whatever it takes.

  “It’s easier to pretend someone like me couldn’t exist inside someone else if you don’t actually know anything about it. Sometimes when the mind goes through so much hurt, so much pain, the only way to deal with it is for someone else to do it for you. That’s where I come in. As much as you hated Samantha, that’s where she came in as well. We deal with the memories your mom can’t handle, the ones she sees every time she closes her eyes.”

  Oh God. What is she talking about? What happened to Mom? Oh God, oh God, oh God.

  “Your grandma’s boyfriend was the first to hurt her. Over and over for years. That’s why Annette left. She couldn’t handle what she let happen.”

  “No!” I close my hands over my ears. “No, no, no, no, no!”

  “Yes!” Amelia screams. “Yes, and it didn’t end there. She was on the streets afterward. For years. You’ll never know what she’s lived through, the things she had to do to survive. She may never know it all, but you’re the one she wants to protect from it. You’re the one she allows to hurt her, because she knows it would hurt you to know.”

  “Oh God.” I stumble backward, and fall to the floor. My chest screams at me, aches in pain. My body, it’s like it’s not there. I can’t feel anything except the pain in my heart. My chest heaves with strangled breaths. Someone hurt her; hurt her bad enough that her mind created other people to deal with it.