Mortal Mistakes

  "Oh, Stan," she looked directly into his eyes, "I was such a terrible person; vain, conceited, self-centered. I was an awful team worker. I know you had to do twice as much, in order to make up for me; and for Keith too. And then, I caused you to lose your job." She leaned forward and covered her face with her hands and began to sob. “I’m so sorry," she blurted.

  Stan clumsily put his arms around her and held her sobbing head to his shoulder. Some commuters seated nearby, were staring. He simply could not believe what he was hearing.

  This is too weird. Am I dreaming or what?

  "I just want you to know how very, very sorry I am," she stammered as she withdrew. "Stan, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?" She tilted her tear stained face back and looked into his eyes.

  He hadn't felt the soft warmth of a woman's flesh in his hands since Karen left. Nor had he smelled alluring fragrances like Jan's. Jesus, she is so attractive. And now, she actually seems to be sensitive too. To me! I can‘t believe it. What in the world has happened to her? He raised his hands tenderly to the sides of her face. He placed his finger tips on either side of her face, and gently stroked away her tears with his thumbs.

  “Ouch!" she shrieked, as the sudden, compressing pressure, of his thumbs on her face, startled and frightened her. Her eyes widened in disbelief. She grabbed at his hands, and jerked back from him. His hands clutched at his own pain distorted face. His eyes looked up into his brow momentarily and his entire body convulsed. Then, as she frantically scooted backwards, to get away from him, his head sank heavily and his body shuddered again.

  Jan gasped, "Stan! Stan! "What’s wrong with you?"

  A young man rushed, from two seats away, to offer assistance.

  "I don't know what happened," Jan said, turning her head from side to side. She pointed her hands toward Stan, palms out. She was now afraid to touch the person to whom she had just bared her soul.

  The young man looked at Stan and realized that he was in pain. He grasped Stan’s shoulders.

  "What hurts?" the younger man asked, gently lifting Stan’s head and examining his eyes. What’s wrong? Should we try to stop the train or get help for you? His eyes searched both of their faces. Stan slowly started to regain his wits from the debilitating attack. Jan reached a cautious and shaky hand toward his face. Then he turned to look at her pale face and gradually realized what happened.

  "Oh God. I'm sorry, Jan," he slurred. "Did I scare you?" He didn’t realize that his reflexes had caused him to gouge his thumbs into her face.

  "You scared me to death, Stan! What on earth just happened to you? Has this ever happened to you before?" Her previously rosy cheeks were now ashen. And he could see that she was trembling. He supposed that he might as well level with her.

  Over the next twenty minutes, Stan related the horror that had overtaken his life. He ended with the morning's hopeless visit to the neurologist, and his subsequent failed attempt to visit Jenny at the nursery. Jan soon lost her fear of him and tears flooded her pretty eyes and face as she listened to his story. She caressed his hand warmly while he finished the narration.

  "Oh, Stan, I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

  "Parke Station," a cracking, muffled, voice announced through the train's speaker system. Stan started to rise.

  "You didn’t say where you were going, Stan." Jan reminded him, as he stood to leave the train. She rose beside him, still clinging to his hand.

  "I was on my way to see what's left of our house. I haven't been back there since the fire," he said. "I don't know why I'm going now. It really doesn't matter. I'm sure it's just a pile of rubble."

  “Can I come with you?" she quickly asked.

  “Why would you want to do that, Jan?" he replied. "I’m sure it’s just a big mess.”

  "Let me come with you, please," she begged and squeezed his hand. She was fearful that he might have another attack, and that no one would be there to help him.

  "Sure, I guess so, if you really want to. I need to find a water fountain first, and take a pill." The secondary pain was commencing.

  It was a fifteen minute walk to Eagle Brook from the station. As the two of them walked side by side, each of their minds was occupied by thinking about the unimaginable change, that had taken place in the other person.

  "Jan, I appreciate you caring enough to come with me. I’m sure you have better things to do. I have to admit that I was surprised that you would even speak to me, after the way I talked to you the last couple of days at CTC. I'm sure it was the headaches and the stress, but still, I shouldn't have. I'm really sorry."

  "Stan, you don't owe me any apology. I'm the one, who needs to be forgiven." They continued walking.

  She’ needs to be forgiven‘? He was amazed at the change in Jan's personality and attitude. Confusion showed on his face.

  Sensing his bewilderment she said, "Stan, you’re probably wondering what’s happened to the Jan that you used to know. Can I tell you about it?" She took his hand to stop his walk. "I hope you won't think I've gone off the deep end. You see, I‘ve really changed a lot since I last saw you." She looked into his eyes.

  “I can see that something is sure different. What do you mean?" he asked.

  *****

  Mary Dorsey smiled through the reception window at Karen and Jenny. "He'll be able to see you in just a few minutes Mrs. Bronsky. There are some children books on the lamp table over there," she pointed.

  "Mary, I really appreciate you working us in. It may not be anything, but I'll just feel a lot better having her looked at." Karen smiled at the receptionist. She appreciated that Mrs. O. dressed Jenny’s injury, and phoned her, but Karen wouldn't be satisfied until Dr Ravit examined the wound.

  While they waited for Dr. Ravit, Karen read from a book to Jenny. They were alone in the waiting room. It was nearly five when Mrs. Obenhauer called the gallery to let Karen know about Jenny's injury. And now it was a few minutes past six.

  "Karen, Jenny, how are you two?" Dr. Ravit boomed the words as he swung open the reception room door. "Come on back."

  "Oouuu!" Jenny howled as the short physician quickly snapped off the bandage that Mrs. Obenhauer had applied.

  "Well it looks very clean. I don't think I could have done it any better myself. No need for stitches, Karen. It's a superficial cut and it's clean." He tickled Jenny's chin with his forefinger. Let's just see if we can bandage it back up as nicely as before. Then we'll see if Miss Mary might have a treat for you."

  "Booh booh!" Jenny whined pointing to the injury.

  "Yes, you’ve got a boo boo alright," Dr. Ravit returned. He applied a fresh bandage. "But, you’ll be good as new in no time.”

  "Now, Karen, what's happened to that husband of yours? He was supposed to come back and see me."

  Karen's face flushed. She didn't quite know how to respond to the doctor's question. He obviously knew nothing of their estrangement.

  "Oh, he was?" she stammered weakly.

  "Yes. I had a call from Dr. Griedlach. We had a long talk about Stan's problem.

  Her mind ricocheted through the universe of possible problems to which Dr. Ravit might be referring. Drugs? Alcohol? STD? None took center stage in her vivid imagination!" The doctor’s silence was troubling to her. “Dr. Griedlach?" she asked. "Who is he and what's this about?" She thought to herself, He obviously doesn't know about us splitting up. She debated with herself whether to tell him that she and Stan no longer lived together.

  "Dr. Griedlach is the neurologist that I sent Stan to see. You know Karen, Stan’s prognosis is indefinite. He could live with it for a long time according to Dr. Griedlach, if he takes it easy and follows—"

  "Live with it? Live with what?" Karen choked out the words. Her eyes were wide with surprise and curiosity.

  "My God Karen!” he said incredulously. “You mean to tell me you don't know?" Dr. Ravit's face showed disbelief. r />
  Tears began to Blur Karen's eyes. "Dr. Ravit, we don't— We haven't— We haven't lived together for some time." She barely managed to get the words out. Her eyes immediately welled up with tears.

  "Oh, my goodness. I'm very sorry, Karen." He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I didn't know."

  Stepping to the doorway, Dr. Ravit called out toward the reception area, “Mary, come and take Jenny with you for a few minutes, please." He had finished the bandage. "I need to talk with her mother a bit."

  When they were alone, he handed a tissue to Karen and encouraged her to open her heart to him. She began slowly at first, and then revealed the details of her recent life, beginning a few months earlier and continuing through the time when she left Stan.

  "And I haven't seen Stan since, Dr. Ravit. I assumed that he was living with the woman I mentioned, Jan Murray." She wiped her eyes as she concluded. "But, what's this about Stan having a problem that he may be able to live with?"

  "Karen, would you excuse me for a just a second." He picked up a phone and buzzed his receptionist. “Mary would you please bring me a cup of coffee.” He interrupted his instruction. "Karen, would you like a cup? This is going to take a little while. There are some things that I think you need to know."

  "No coffee thanks. But if you have a cup of water."

  “A cup of water for Mrs. Bronsky please,” he spoke into the phone. “And Mary, bring me Mr. Bronsky’s file please."

  The short elderly physician was compassionate and fatherly. He was a family Doctor of the old school. Karen anxiously waited to hear what he wanted to talk with her about. It obviously concerned Stan. What could possibly be wrong with Stan?

  Dr. Ravit closed the door behind Mary and placed a cup of water in Karen's nervous hands. He held a folder containing Stan's medical records. He sat down near Karen and sipped from his coffee as he reviewed his records of Stan’s recent exams. He leaned back in the chair, took another sip, and charted a course for the conversation that was about to take place.

  *****

  Jan looked at Stan for a minute while she found the words for what she wanted to say. “Stan, I've become a Christian, a born again Christian. And I've never been so happy!" Her face glowed, as she professed her recently found faith.

  "Well gee Jan, I— I don't know what to say. That sounds great I guess. You sure do seem different. I'll say that. I’m happy that you seem to be so happy." His bewilderment remained. He tried to not show it. But Jan could see it in his face. Stan had heard the term, “born again” but didn't really know what it meant. More often than not it was used pejoratively.

  They continued walking while Jan told about reluctantly attending a Christian revival, just to placate a good friend. She related how she came to realize from a sermon, that she was a sinner, and that she was alienated from and eternally separated from God without Jesus.

  "And the more I’ve learned about Jesus from the Bible, the more I’ve wanted to change. I can look back now, and see how vain and prideful and selfish I used to be." She searched Stan’s face for any evidence of his understanding. “I have peace with God now, Stan. Do you know what I’m talking about?"

  He quietly searched for an answer to her question; one that wouldn‘t offend her. “So you really believe all that stuff about God and the Bible?"

  “Yes, I sure do," Jan answered.

  “I suppose I do too, he said. “But I sure have a lot of questions.”

  “What kind of questions?" she asked, eager to help.

  “Well, for one thing, I’d like to know why God allows bad things to happen to people, especially to good people."

  “I think a lot of people wrestle with that question, Stan. I don’t have all the answers. But, I think that bad or evil are simply words that define the absence of good." She said. “Jesus said that only God is good. Nothing, nor anyone else is good. So, in the absence of God's goodness, by definition, there can only be bad or evil.”

  “I never thought of it that way," he said, “I've always thought of myself as a decent person, not perfect by any means, but a fairly good person. And I‘ve always thought of most people as basically good. But Jan, you‘re telling me that most people are no good. That they are all bad, or even evil, aren't you?" He seriously questioned her conclusion.

  “We live in a world that is pretty much void of God," she said. “Most of the people in the world have rejected God. And—”

  “But Jan," he interrupted, “there are millions of good people in the world and many of them are religious.”

  “Stan," she quickly replied, “don’t confuse religion with God. Yes, there are many religions in the world, but there's only one God. Millions of people are religious, but they worship false gods. They’re religious, but they’re still separated from the one true God. Some people even worship witchcraft and Satan. That's being religious but it's worshiping a false god. That’s why I said that most of the people in the world are without God. And if they’re without God, then by Jesus’ definition, they’re bad or evil.”

  “Back to my question," he said. “Why me? What did I do to deserve all that’s happened to me? Why doesn‘t God just stamp out all evil, or bad, or whatever you want to call it?”

  “First Stan, believe me, God loves you and he loves every person who ever lived. A fundamental way that he expresses his love is by allowing us to have free will. That means that we can choose to embrace God and his love, or we can choose something else; like our self, or power, or fame. We’ve all chosen to reject God and his will at some time. Most of us have done it many times."

  She checked Stan’s face.

  “So, what you’re telling me is, that it’s all my own fault?" His face expressed the doubt that he felt.

  “Your situation isn’t necessarily the result of a personal fault, Stan. The free reign of evil is all of humanity’s collective fault for rejecting God beginning with the first man, Adam. Sure, God could just zap us and make us all perfect little obedient creatures. But think about it, Stan. We would be no different than programmed robots. God would say to us, ‘Do you love me?’ We would say, ‘Sure! You bet God.’ We would say that, because we wouldn’t be capable of knowing or saying anything else.”

  “That’s heavy, Jan. I need to let that sink in." He ran his fingers through his hair. “Okay," he said. “I think I understand what you‘re telling me. The only way that God could ever take away all evil, would be to replace it with good, which is God himself. It would be like light displacing darkness. Then everyone, every last person, would have to embrace God, be permeated with God, so to speak. Else, there would still be evil around. The only way that God could ever inject himself into all of humanity, would be, if he were to zap us, take away our free will, and turn us into robots. What possible satisfaction could God get from being loved by robots? It would be like Jenny or Karen loving me, because they didn‘t have any other choice. It wouldn‘t mean much.”

  Jan smiled at him. “I think you're getting it, Stan.”

  He said, “Okay, I think I understand the problem of evil in general. But even people who love and worship God have problems. Bad things happen to them too.”

  “Yes they do. When God created the first people, he was with them, in person. So goodness was in them and surrounded them. When people rejected God, they effectively withdrew themselves from him, and from all that was good. In other words, they chose evil over good. Out of his love, God allowed them to exercise their free will to make that choice. But as God had plainly warned them, their choice brought a curse on all of creation. So, we live in a world that is cursed, where bad things are going to happen."

  “Hang on now. Let me think about that." Stan reflected for a minute. “So, God was intimately engaged with humans until they rejected him. Then he withdrew himself, which by definition left a void of good, which is evil. And now, everyone has to live with evil, even if they want God in
their life. Is that about it?”

  “I think that’s basically right, Stan. God does frequently intervene in people’s lives to save us from some evil, or to protect us from some evil. I don’t think we recognize it, most of the time. Jesus didn’t promise that Christians won’t ever have problems. In fact, Jesus said that we definitely would have problems as long as we’re in the world.

  “I believe that God sometimes allows bad things to happen to us, to bring us to him, or to bring us closer to him. The Bible says that God works to bring good out of everything, including bad things, for people who love him. We may not realize the good that he does at the time, or recognize it even in this life. But he has assured us, that ultimately, he will bring good for us.”

  “Jan, something else that’s always bothered me is why some people go to church and then act like everyone else when, they’re not in church."

  “That bothers me too, Stan. And I'm sure it bothers God too. Not everyone who goes to church is a Christian. And Christians aren’t necessarily any better than anyone else. They’re just saved sinners who struggle to follow the teachings of Jesus. Once someone truly believes in Jesus, God begins and continues to change them, through the work of his Spirit. Some Christians change faster than others. Some drag their feet. Sometimes, God has to firmly correct someone if they're too reluctant to change. God’s objective is to have us become more and more like Jesus. He planned that from the beginning.

  Stan hesitated. He searched for the right words to ask a question that had been on his mind for weeks. “Jan, how can we ever know for sure, what will happen to us after we die?"

  “We have the promise of Jesus, who rose from the dead himself, through the power of the Holy Spirit. Everyone who believes in Jesus for eternal life has his Spirit in them. One of the things that the Spirit does is help us develop assurance. God has provided only one way for people to enjoy a restored relationship with him, and to escape from eternal death. That one way is to believe in his son Jesus. We still have to live out the remainder of our physical lives, in a world that will be plagued with evil until Jesus returns. But Jesus promised that if we believe in him, then we have eternal life starting right then. And ultimately there will be no evil in our life, because our life will be with God.”