Homo Sum — Complete
CHAPTER XVIII.
Common natures can only be lightly touched by the immeasurable depth ofanguish that is experienced by a soul that despairs of itself; but themore heavily the blow of such suffering falls, the more surely does itwork with purifying power on him who has to taste of that cup.
Paulus thought no more of the fair, sleeping woman; tortured by acuteremorse he lay on the hard stones, feeling that he had striven in vain.When he had taken Hermas' sin and punishment and disgrace upon himself,it had seemed to him that he was treading in the very footsteps of theSaviour. And now?--He felt like one who, while running for a prize,stumbles over a stone and grovels in the sand when he is already closeto the goal.
"God sees the will and not the deed," he muttered to himself. "What Idid wrong with regard to Sirona--or what I did not do--that matters not.When I leaned over her, I had fallen utterly and entirely into the powerof the evil one, and was an ally of the deadliest enemy of Him to whomI had dedicated my life and soul. Of what avail was my flight from theworld, and my useless sojourn in the desert? He who always keeps outof the way of the battle can easily boast of being unconquered to theend-but is he therefore a hero? The palm belongs to him who in the midstof the struggles and affairs of the world clings to the heavenward road,and never lets himself be diverted from it; but as for me who walk herealone, a woman and a boy cross my path, and one threatens and the otherbeckons to me, and I forget my aim and stumble into the bog of iniquity.And so I cannot find--no, here I cannot find what I strive after. Buthow then--how? Enlighten me, O Lord, and reveal to me what I must do."
Thus thinking he rose, knelt down, and prayed fervently; when at last hecame to the 'Amen,' his head was burning, and his tongue parched.
The clouds had parted, though they still hung in black masses in thewest; from time to time gleams of lightning shone luridly on the horizonand lighted up the jagged peak of mountain with a flare; the moon hadrisen, but its waning disk was frequently obscured by dark drivingmasses of cloud; blinding flashes, tender light, and utter darkness werealternating with bewildering rapidity, when Paulus at last collectedhimself, and went down to the spring to drink, and to cool his brow inthe fresh water. Striding from stone to stone he told himself, that erehe could begin a new life, he must do penance--some heavy penance; butwhat was it to be? He was standing at the very margin of the brook,hemmed in by cliffs, and was bending down to it, but before he hadmoistened his lips he drew back: just because he was so thirsty heresolved to deny himself drink. Hastily, almost vehemently, he turnedhis back on the spring, and after this little victory over himself, hisstorm-tossed heart seemed a little calmer. Far, far from hence and fromthe wilderness and from the Sacred Mountain he felt impelled to fly, andhe would gladly have fled then and there to a distance. Whither shouldhe flee? It was all the same, for he was in search of suffering, andsuffering, like weeds, grows on every road. And from whom? This questionrepeated itself again and again as if he had shouted it in the very homeof echo, and the answer was not hard to find: "It is from yourself thatyou would flee. It is your own inmost self that is your enemy; buryyourself in what desert you will, it will pursue you, and it would beeasier for you to cut off your shadow than to leave that behind?"
His whole consciousness was absorbed by this sense of impotency, andnow, after the stormy excitement of the last few hours, the deepestdepression took possession of his mind. Exhausted, unstrung, full ofloathing of himself and life, he sank down on a stone, and thought overthe occurrences of the last few days with perfect impartiality.
"Of all the fools that ever I met," thought he, "I have gone farthestin folly, and have thereby led things into a state of confusion whichI myself could not make straight again, even if I were a sage--which Icertainly never shall be any more than a tortoise or a phoenix. I onceheard tell of a hermit who, because it is written that we ought to burythe dead, and because he had no corpse, slew a traveller that he mightfulfil the commandment: I have acted in exactly the same way, for, inorder to spare another man suffering and to bear the sins of another,I have plunged an innocent woman into misery, and made myself indeed asinner. As soon as it is light I will go down to the oasis and confessto Petrus and Dorothea what I have done. They will punish me, and I willhonestly help them, so that nothing of the penance that they may layupon me may be remitted. The less mercy I show to myself, the more willthe Eternal judge show to me."
He rose, considered the position of the stars, and when he perceivedthat morning was not far off, he prepared to return to Sirona, whowas no longer any more to him than an unhappy woman to whom he owedreparation for much evil, when a loud cry of distress in the immediatevicinity fell on his ear.
He mechanically stooped to pick up a stone for a weapon, and listened.He knew every rock in the neighborhood of the spring, and when thestrange groan again made itself heard, he knew that it came from a spotwhich he knew well and where he had often rested, because a large flatstone supported by a stout pillar of granite, stood up far abovethe surrounding rocks, and afforded protection from the sun, even atnoonday, when not a hand's breath of shade was to be found elsewhere.
Perhaps some wounded beast had crept under the rock for shelter from therain. Paulus went cautiously forward. The groaning sounded louder andmore distinct than before, and beyond a doubt it was the voice of ahuman being.
The anchorite hastily threw away the stone, fell upon his knees,and soon found on the dry spot of ground under the stone, and in thefarthermost nook of the retreat, a motionless human form.
"It is most likely a herdsman that has been struck by lightning,"thought he, as he felt with his hands the curly head of the sufferer,and the strong arms that now bung down powerless. As he raised theinjured man, who still uttered low moans, and supported his head on hisbroad breast, the sweet perfume of fine ointment was wafted to him fromhis hair, and a fearful suspicion dawned upon his mind.
"Polykarp!" he cried, while he clasped his hands more tightly round thebody of the sufferer who, thus called upon, moved and muttered a fewunintelligible words; in a low tone, but still much too clearly forPaulus, for he now knew for certain that he had guessed rightly. With aloud cry of horror he grasped the youth's powerless form, raised him inhis arms, and carried him like a child to the margin of the spring wherehe laid his noble burden down in the moist grass; Polykarp started andopened his eyes.
Morning was already dawning, the light clouds on the eastern horizonwere already edged with rosy fringes, and the coming day began to liftthe dark veil from the forms and hues of creation.
The young man recognized the anchorite, who with trembling hands waswashing the wound at the back of his head, and his eye assumed anangry glare as he called up all his remaining strength and pushed hisattendant from him. Paulus did not withdraw, he accepted the blow fromhis victim as a gift or a greeting, thinking, "Aye, and I only wish youhad a dagger in your hand; I would not resist you."
The artist's wound was frightfully wide and deep, but the blood hadflowed among his thick curls, and had clotted over the lacerated veinslike a thick dressing. The water with which Paulus now washed his headreopened them, and renewed the bleeding, and after the one powerfuleffort with which Polykarp pushed away his enemy, he fell back senselessin his arms The wan morning-light added to the pallor of the bloodlesscountenance that lay with glazed eyes in the anchorite's lap.
"He is dying!" murmured Paulus in deadly anguish and with chokingbreath, while he looked across the valley and up to the heights, seekinghelp. The mountain rose in front of him, its majestic mass glowing inthe rosy dawn, while light translucent vapor floated round the peakwhere the Lord had written His laws for His chosen people, and for allpeoples, on tables of stone; it seemed to Paulus that he saw the giantform of Moses far, far up on its sublimest height and that from his lipsin brazen tones the strictest of all the commandments was thundered downupon him with awful wrath, "Thou shalt not kill!"
Paulus clasped his hands before his face in silent despair, while hisvictim still lay in hi
s lap. He had closed his eyes, for he dared notlook on the youth's pale countenance, and still less dared he look upat the mountain; but the brazen voice from the height did not cease, andsounded louder and louder; half beside himself with excitement, in hisinward ear he heard it still, "Thou shalt not kill!" and then again,"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife!" a third time, "Thou shaltnot commit adultery!" and at last a fourth, "Thou shalt have none othergods but me!"
He that sins against one of those laws is damned; and he--he had brokenthem all, broken them while striving to tread the thorny path to a lifeof blessedness.
Suddenly and wildly he threw his arms up to heaven, and sighing deeply,gazed up at the sacred hill.
What was that? On the topmost peak of Sinai whence the Pharanitesentinels were accustomed to watch the distance, a handkerchief waswaving as a signal that the enemy were approaching.
He could not be mistaken, and as in the face of approaching danger hecollected himself and recovered his powers of thought and deliberation,his ear distinctly caught the mighty floods of stirring sound that cameover the mountain, from the brazen cymbals struck by the watchmen towarn the inhabitants of the oasis, and the anchorites.
Was Hermas returned? Had the Blemmyes outstripped him? From what quarterwere the marauding hosts coming on? Could he venture to remain here nearhis victim, or was it his duty to use his powerful arms in defence ofhis helpless companions? In agonized doubt he looked down at the youth'spallid features, and deep, sorrowful compassion filled his mind.
How promising was this young tree of humanity that his rough fist hadbroken off! and these brown curls had only yesterday been stroked by amother's hand. His eyes filled with tears, and he bent as tenderly asa father might over the pale face, and pressed a gentle kiss on thebloodless lips of the senseless youth. A thrill of joy shot throughhim, for Polykarp's lips were indeed not cold, he moved his hand, andnow--the Lord be praised! he actually opened his eyes.
"And I am not a murderer!" A thousand voices seem to sing with joy inhis heart, and then he thought to himself, "First I will carry him downto his parents in the oasis, and then go up to the brethren."
But the brazen signals rang out with renewed power, and the stillnessof the holy wilderness was broken here by the clatter of men's voices,there by a blast of trumpets, and there again by stifled cries. It wasas if a charm had given life to the rocks and lent their voices; as ifnoise and clamor were rushing like wild torrents down every gorge andcleft of the mountainside.
"It is too late," sighed the anchorite. "If I only could--if I onlyknew--"
"Hallo! hallo! holy Paulus!" a shrill woman's voice which seemed to comefrom high up in the air rang out joyful and triumphant, interrupting theirresolute man's meditations, "Hermas is alive! Hermas is here again!Only look up at the heights. There flies the standard, for he has warnedthe sentinels. The Blemmyes are coming on, and he sent me to seek you.You must come to the strong tower on the western side of the ravine.Make haste! come at once! Do you hear? He told me to tell you. But theman in your lap--it is--yes, it is--"
"It is your master's son Polykarp," Paulus called back to her. "He ishurt unto death; hurry down to the oasis, and tell the senator, tellDame Dorothea--"
"I have something else to do now," interrupted the shepherdess. "Hermashas sent me to warn Gelasius, Psoes, and Dulas, and if I went down intothe oasis they would lock me up, and not let me come up the mountainagain. What has happened to the poor fellow? But it is all the same:there is something else for you to do besides grieving over a hole inPolykarp's head. Go up to the tower, I tell you, and let him lie--orcarry him up with you into your new den, and hand him over to yoursweetheart to nurse."
"Demon!" exclaimed Paulus, taking up a stone.
"Let him he!" repeated Miriam. "I will betray her hiding-place toPhoebicius, if you do not do as Dermas orders you. Now I am off to callthe others, and we shall meet again at the tower. And you had better notlinger too long with your fair companion--pious Paulus--saintly Paulus!"
And laughing loudly, she sprang away from rock to rock as if borne up bythe air.
The Alexandrian looked wrathfully after her; but her advice did notseem to be bad, he lifted the wounded man on his shoulders, and hastilycarried him up towards his cave; but before he could reach it he heardsteps, and a loud agonized scream, and in a few seconds Sirona was byhis side, crying in passionate grief, "It is he, it is he-and oh, to seehim thus!--But he must live, for if he were dead your God of Love wouldbe inexorable, pitiless, hard, cruel--it would be--"
She could say no more, for tears choked her voice, and Paulus, withoutlistening to her lamentation, passed quickly on in front of her, enteredthe cave and laid the unconscious man down on the couch, saying gravelybut kindly, as Sirona threw herself on her knees and pressed the youngman's powerless hand to her lips, "If indeed you truly love him, ceasecrying and lamenting. He yesterday got a severe wound on his head; Ihave washed it, now do you bind it up with care, and keep it constantlycool with fresh water. You know your way to the spring; when he recovershis senses rub his feet, and give him some bread and a few drops of thewine which you will find in the little cellar hard by; there is some oilthere too, which you will need for a light.
"I must go up to the brethren, and if I do not return to-morrow, givethe poor lad over to his mother to nurse. Only tell her this, that I,Paulus, gave him this wound in a moment of rage, and to forgive me ifshe can, she and Petrus. And you too forgive me that in which I havesinned against you, and if I should fall in the battle which awaits us,pray that the Lord may not be too hard upon me in the day of judgment,for my sins are great and many."
At this moment the sound of the trumpets sounded even into the deepestrecess of the cave. Sirona started. "That is the Roman tuba," sheexclaimed. "I know the sound--Phoebicius is coming this way."
"He is doing his duty," replied Paulus. "And still, one thing more. Isaw last night a ring on your hand--an onyx."
"There it lies," said Sirona; and she pointed to the farthest corner ofthe cave, where it lay on the dusty soil.
"Let it remain there," Paulus begged of her; he bent over the senselessman once more to kiss his forehead, raised his hand towards Sirona insign of blessing, and rushed out into the open air.