Confessions of a Grasshopper
PECOS PETE
Wall, sir, keep on a’goin’ on this here Route 16 till ya gits ta 146 and ya takes that thar road south past little speck of a place calle’ Hachita.
BILL
Then what?
PECOS PETE
Keep on a’goin’ down thet thar little ole road mebbe twelve, thirteen miles till ya see ah big old butte off to the west, mebbe ah mile, mebbe two off’a the road. Then ya gotta leave the road and drive smack dab toward the thet thar butte an’ jus’ on tuther side of it was whar Crystalville usta set. An’ ;’bout half a mile up by a big ole mountain you’ll see th’ ruins of the ole silver mine. But you kids stay away from thet thar mine, ya hear? Mighty dangeras p;ace. Why, thar’s a airhole an’ shafts ya could fall inta and would nobody never see ya agin.
BILL
Thanks, Pop! I really appreciate it.
BILL takes some bills from his wallet and passes them to PECOS PETE.
PECOS PETE
Y’all stay clear of thet old mine, ya hear?
BILL gets up from the booth.
BILL (Cont’d)
Come on, girls. We’re off to Crystalville and talking grasshoppers.
BILL throws some bills on the table, then hustles the two girls out of the restaurant. PECOS PETE looks after them in amazement.
PECOS PETE
Talkin’ what? Do you say talking grasshoppers?! Wall, I’ll be hornswoggled!
PECOS PETE quickly ambles after them and outside the restaurant just in time to see BILL, MARY and BARB speed away in the Imperial. PECOS PETE looks after then, shaking his head sadly.
Scenes: Clips of city of Albuquerque; route sign: 25 South; Las Cruces; Deming; arid mountains of southern New Mexico; Route 146; village of Hachita; the narrow road winding through a very isolated, mountainous area. The Imperial slows.
BILL
We’re close. Be on the lookout for the butte.
MARY
What the hell is a “butte?”
BILL
Hill … a hill, dummy.
MARY
Great! There are hills all around here. I hate this place.
Pan shot: Mountains, desert. CU: BILL, MARY, BARB scanning the countryside as the Imperial creeps along the narrow old road. BILL points to a steep-sided hill that stands alone.
BILL
That must be it!
BILL pulls off the road, bounces through a shallow gully, drives toward the butte. The shocks on the car are shot and all three are bouncing about madly in their seats. BILL drives around the butte to the other side, slows, stops. The only remaining sign of a town once having been there is part of a stone foundation and the charred remains of a small building.
BILL
Welcome to Crystalville.
BARB
I wonder where the Crystalville Hilton is?
MARY
I don’t like this place. It gives me the creeps.
BILL
The first thing we’ll do is set up the tent; offload our stuff.
MARY
That’s your job. I’m sick of all this. It was okay driving, now the sun is so hot, I can’t breath. This a Godforsaken place. … Oh, why did I agree to all this?
BILL
That’s what I always like about you, Mary. You’re such a pain in the ass.
MARY
Screw you.
Scenes: BILL and BARB struggling to erect the tent, then unloading the car. Night falls. BILL and BARN are sitting on campstools in front of the tent munching Vienna sausages and candy bars. MARY is still in the car, drinking a semi-warm beer.
BILL
We’ll turn in early tonight and get started at first light.
MARY
Where do you expect us to sleep?
BILL
In the tent, of course! We got three sleeping bags.
MARY
Not me, buster. I’m not sleepin’ with scorpions and snakes. Didn’t that little town back there have a motel?
BILL
It didn’t even have a restaurant. Just a combination pool hall and lunch counter.
MARY
Great. Just great! Well, I’m sleeping’ right here. Put the top up!
BILL
What, you helpless?
BILL shrugs, then HE and BARB drag their sleeping bags into the tent. MARY lies back on the front seat, grumbling. A coyote wails, MARY sits up quickly, jumps out of the car and rushes into the tent.
Fade out and fade in on sun rising over mountains. BILL comes out of tent, stretches, goes back inside tent. We hear the two girls complaining about being awakened so early.
Cut to: BILL, BARB and MARY trudging around the perimeter of the site of the old mining town. MARY lags behind. BILL points toward a large hill that is at the foot of a mountain range. The three stalwart adventurers trek toward the hill. BILL and BARB begin to walk around the hill to the right; MARY stomps foot, hands folded defiantly across her chest. BILL and BARB disappear around the hill. MARY begins climbing up the hill toward a lone juniper tree, which affords a little shade. Just as MARY is about to reach the tree, she loses her footing and begins sliding back down the hill. SHE screams and scrambles madly for a small outcropping, than suddenly the ground beneath her feet gives way and she begins sliding into hole. We see MARY sliding down a narrow pipe – down, down. Her arms are over her head, flailing frantically; her eyes wide with terror. MARY pops out and drops about five feet onto a loft covered with cornhusks and stalks. Voices are heard below her. MARY is stunned for a moment, then SHE creeps toward the edge of the loft, peers over. The loft overlooks a large room and there are seven humanoid grasshoppers sitting around a long wood table. There are seven of them – POPPA FRED, IRVING, flashy AUNT LULU, DUFFY, ZED, LOCKJAW, and FLORABELLE. MARY’s mouth drops open, her eyes widen. She remains perfectly still – watching, listening...
ZED
I say we take a vote.
DUFFY
The meeting hasn’t even started yet.
ZED
So let’s get the voting out of the way now so we won’t have to worry about it later.
LOCKJAW
I vote nay.
IRVING
I think we should discuss it.
POPPA FRED
Are we through voting?
DUFFY
Yes.
ZED
What’s the bill of fare?
DUFFY
How many times do I have to tell you – it’s agenda – not bill of fare.
ZED
What’s a bill of fare?
DUFFY
That’s a list of food to eat.
ZED
That’s what I want.
DUFFY
We have important things to talk about.
IRVING
What’s more important than food?
DUFFY
Getting to Mexico.
IRVING
You’re absolutely right. Can we eat now?
LOCKJAW
I think Florabelle should get married.
FLORABELLE
I’m too young.
DUFFY
We’re here to talk about Mexico. That’s why I called this meeting.
IRVING
I thought I call the meeting.
DUFFY
You called Zed. I called the meeting.
IRVING
I did? Why did I call him?
DUFFY
Late for dinner.
ZED
And I’m still hungry. Now I know why.
AUNT LULU
I think you should read the letter, Irving.
IRVING
No! I have a better idea. I will read the letter.
DUFFY
The letter from your brother, Moish?
IRVING
Yes. The letter from Moish.
DUFFY
All right. Read it.
IRVING
Moish is my brother.
DUFFY
We know that.
&
nbsp; IRVING
I am going to read the letter.
ZED
Can we eat first?
FLORABELLE
By the time he reads the letter, I’ll be old enough to get married.
IRVING (standing) (Moish starts the letter in a very, very beautiful
way. It will take your breath away with the soaring majesty of his inspiring words. Listen to this … He reads.)
“Dear Irving.”
Pauses.
Well, how do you all like that for a great beginning of a letter?
ZED
I think we should vote on it. I give it a seven and a half.
IRVING
A half what?
ZED
A half-wit. Your brother is a half-wit.
IRVING
Yes, but he writes a nice letter.
AUNT LULU
I give it a nine.
IRVING
Thank you. That’s very good.
AUNT LULU
No, that’s very bad. That’s nine on a scale of one hundred.
IRVING
It could still be worse. It could have been a three.
DUFFY
Irving, will you please read the letter?
DUFFY
Why didn’t I think of that?
IRVING
“Dear Irving …”
ZED
We heard that part before.
LOCKJAW
It does sound familiar, doesn’t it?
IRVING
Now you made me lose my place. I have to start over again. “Dear Irving …”
ZED
A ten.
IRVING
What?
ZED
A ten. I get more meaning out of it each time you read it.
IRVING
Fine. “Dear Irving …”
ZED
I love it!
IRVING
“Dear Irving …”
ZED
Now it’s beginning to get old.
DUFFY
Can we get past that part?
IRVING
But that’s the best part of the whole letter!
DUFFY
Let us be the judge of that.
IRVING
All right. “Dear Irving, I am having a fine time in Mexico but I wish you was here anyway.”
AUNT LULU
Was that supposed to be funny?
IRVING
I don’t think so. “You and the rest of the gang had better get down here quick before those ugly people-creatures discover you and capture you and eat you! We are all worried about you, so get down here quick! Soon it will be too late.”
DUFFY
Is that all he says? Doesn’t he have any idea as to how we can get to Grassalot in Mexico safely?
IRVING
I’m not finished reading the letter yet. Please be patient.
DUFFY
Good! I was hoping there would be more. Read us the rest of the letter.
IRVING
“Your brother, Moish.”
DUFFY
That’s it?
IRVING
It brings a lump to your throat, doesn’t it?
ZED
I loved that part! It deserves a round of applause.
All of the GRASSHOPPERS applaud.
DUFFY
Well, Moish is right. We have to find a way to get to Mexico soon. We have the old bus, but we need tires for it – and gasoline. Lots of gasoline. Those things take people-money.
AUNT LULU
We also have to decide who’s going to learn to drive so he can drive the bus.
IRVING
I am, of course. After all, it was my idea to design a people disguiser. I have it right here. Let me show you.
IRVING reaches under the table and brings up a costume. He puts the top part on his head. It looks like George Bush.
ZED
You could pass for a people-creature anywhere!
AUNT LULU
My gracious, land sales alive! People-creatures certainly are ugly, aren’t they?
IRVING
Of course they’re ugly. Only grasshoppers were made beautiful. Everything else is downright ugly.
LOCKJAW
Ain’t it the truth?
DUFFY
We have to get to Mexico before some tourist people-creatures discover us, and they’re
getting closer all the time, buying up all the land. We need people-money.
IRVING
The answer is the timetable.
ZED
What’s this “timetable” – a new invention of yours?
IRVING
No! We need time to sell the grasshopper costumes. I think you will all agree that this is one of my all-time colossal idea!
DUFFY
You’re forgetting one thing, Irving. Yes, we made hundreds and hundreds of grasshopper costumes, and yes we have them stored in the North section, and yes it was a brilliant idea – but no, we still don’t know how we can sell them to people-creatures – and we don’t have time to experiment. We need a sure-fire moneymaker now.
IRVING
We’d make a fortune if I could perfect my dehydrated water pill.
DUFFY
A dehydrated water pill?
IRVING
Certainly. You just add water to the pill and – presto! You have water.
ZED
The grasshopper is a genius. We should patent it right away.
IRVING
But it still needs a little work.
AUNT LULU
Maybe a lot of work.
DUFFY
Does anybody else have any ideas?
FLORABELLE
Papa?
DUFFY
Yes, child?
FLORABELLE
I could write my life story and they’d make it into a movie and I’d be rich and famous and I wouldn’t forget all you little grasshoppers who helped me along the way.
DUFFY
That’s an excellent idea – but I think it would take too long. We need to make the money right away!
POPPA FRED
Wait! I’m getting an idea.
DUFFY
What is it?
POPPA FRED
It’s coming – it’s coming. My great idea is coming!
DUFFY
From where?
POPPA FRED
Yes – it’s almost here.
DUFFY
It’s still no here.
POPPA FRED
Gone!
DUFFY
Was it a good idea?
POPPA FRED
The best.
DUFFY
I’m sorry we’ll never know what it was.
ZED
I have an idea!
DUFFY
Quick! What is it?
ZED
Let’s eat. I’m hungry.
LOCKJAW
No, I’m getting a headache.
AUNT LULU
Maybe we should dig up some of those gold rocks and sell them. Those people-creatures seem to like them a lot.
DUFFY
No, but is it a good idea.
IRVING
Yes! Listen – I made a people disguise so I could look like a people-creature when I drive the bus – am I right?
DUFFY
You are right.
IRVING
We haven’t tried to sell the grasshopper costumes because we haven’t known how to do it, am I right?
DUFFY
You are right again.
IRVING
What if I were to put on my people-creature disguise and sell the costumes myself?
DUFFY
It wouldn’t be safe.
AUNT LULU
What about finding and selling ‘em gold?
IRVING
Certainly it would be, Duffy. You saw my people-creature disguise. It’s foolproof.
DUFFY
Well, may
be …
FLORSBELLE
Can I ask a question?
DUFFY
Certainly, my child. As a matter of fact, you just asked a question.
FLORABELLE
Well, can I ask another questions?
DUFFY
Of course, little one. And you just did.
FLORABELLE
Papa …
DUFFY
Even more questions?
FLORABELLE
If Irving is going to sell grasshopper costumes to people-creatures, why does he have to look like a people-creature? Why can’t he look just like the way he is – and tell the people-creatures he’s wearing a grasshopper costume?
ZED
That is deep, very, very deep.
POPPA FRED
I don’t understand it – but you’re right” It’s very deep.
LOCKJAW
I understand it, but I don’t understand my understanding of it.
DUFFY
She may have something!
POPPA FRED
Is it catching?
DUFFY
Congratulations, Florabelle! Your idea makes more sense than cornhusks.
ZED
But is it a good idea or an idea that may be good?
DUFFY
Stop thinking, Zed.
IRVING
Yes. It will work! What could be more natural than a seller of grasshopper costumes wearing one of his own products?
FLORABELLE
Did I do good, Papa?
DUFFY
My child, you may have saved the entire Grassalot Colony from extinction. You did very good!
FLORABELLE
I’m very proud and happy, Papa! My life story is getting better all the time.
AUNT LULU
But …
DUFFY
Must there always be a “but”?
AUNT LULU
This is a big ‘but.”
DUFFY
Tell us what your “but” is.
LOCKJAW
I can tell you that! It’s what she sits on.
AUNT LULU
Don’t be vulgar, Lockjaw. You don’t want to sound like a people-creature, do you?
DUFFY
Aunt Lulu, give us your “butt.”
AUNT LULU
Now you’re being vulgar.
DUFFY
Come on, you know what I mean!
AUNT LULU
That’s the problem.
DUFFY
Let me put it this way: Do you see a flaw in Florabelle’s plan?
AUNT LULU
The problem is that Irving never sold anything in is life.
IRVING
That’s true, but I’m still the world’s greatest sales-grasshopper.
ZED
Irving does have a way with words.
POPPA FRED
Yep, he’s a regular silver-tongued leafhopper.
AUNT LULU
You really believe you can sell grasshopper costumes to people-creatures?
IRVING
Does a grasshopper eat grass?
AUNT LULU
How?
IRVING
Let me demonstrate. You pretend you’re a people-creature who owns a big store and I walk in – a beautiful smile on my face, exuding charm and personality. Then …
AUNT LULU
… And I’ll say, “Eke! A giant grasshopper! Kill it!”
IRVING
No, no, no! You won’t say anything like that! You’ll be curious. And I’ll say, “ I am wearing our new super deluxe, real deal green grasshopper costume. How many thousands would you like to order?” And you will say, “I will buy sixty-seven thousand for starters!” You see? That’s all there is to it!
AUNT LULU
It might work.
IRVING
Certainly it will work! And do you know the main reason why it will work? Other than my sparkling qualities, of course, because with grasshopper costumes, the people-creatures can hide their ugliness and be beautiful like us.
DUFFY
He’s right. It’s a well-known and scientifically proven fact that grasshoppers are beautiful – and people-creatures are downright ugly!
FLORABELLE
I feel so sorry for people-creatures – they’re all so yukkie looking.
ZED
Let me get this straight. You’re a grasshopper pretending to be wearing a grasshopper costume so people-creatures will think you’re a people-creature wearing a grasshopper costume to sell grasshopper costumes.
IRVING
Certainly! Now you’ve got it.
ZED
Got it! I don’t even know what I’m talking about.
DUFFY
It’s a super elegant idea. If you sell only ten million costumes and make a penny on each one – that’s one hundred thousand people-dollars.
IRVING
Wait! I have a better idea. I will double the price of the costumes and make two cents clear profit on each costume.
DUFFY
But how much would you sell them for?
IRVING
Would four cents be too much?
AUNT LULU
Don’t be greedy, Irving. Three cents is a fair price.
IRVING
You’re certainly right. I lost my head for a moment.
ZED
You might be better off without it.
IRVING
Yes, I might. But I doubt it. Which reminds me, I will need an assistant to assist me. Are there any volunteers?
FLORABELLE
I’ll volunteer!
IRVING
You’re too young.
POPPA FRED
How about me?
IRVING
You’re too old.
ZED
I’d volunteer, but I can’t.
IRVING
Why can’t you?
ZED
Because I don’t want to. If a people-creature found out we’re really grasshoppers, do you
know what they would do? They would put chocolate syrup on us and eat us.
DUFFY
He is probably right, Irving. People-creatures eat anything – dead chickens, dead cows, dead pigs … And they even boil cabbage … and, and float corn on the cub!
AUNT LULU
They are so primitive!
LOCKJAW
I’d volunteer, but I’m not good at that sort of thing.
IRVING
What sort of thing?
LOCKJAW
At volunteering. I just never got the knack of doing it right.
DUFFY
And I have to stay here to run our Grassalot Colony.
IRVING
That only leaves …
AUNT LULU
Shake hands with your senior sales manager!
The GRASSHOPPERS begin taking excitedly among themselves, adlibbing about the new venture. MARY slithers back from the edge, sits up, looks behind her. There is a low tunnel and SHE beings creeping through it. SHE comes to a metal ladder, securely bolted into the rock. SEE looks up, sees the sky. SHE begins climbing rapidly up the ladder.
Cut to: A small hole in the ground on the side of the hill, which is partially hidden by scrub brush. MARY’s head emerges from the hole. SHE is gasping for breath and her eyes are wide with fear. SHE climbs out of the hole and begins racing madly for the tent. BILL and BARB are walking toward the tent from the opposite direction. BILL sees MARY running toward the tent, and calls to her.
BILL
Wow! You’re okay.
MARY (Panting, almost hysterically).
I saw them. I saw them!
BILL
Relax. Slow down. … You saw who?
MARY
Them!
BILL
Who?
MARY (pushes BILL way)
Them! … Them. They’re real.
BILL
Make sense.
BARB
Bill, c
an’t you see she’s hysterical?
BILL
What’s wrong?
MARY
I saw them. I saw giant … giant grasshoppers – and they talked. TALKED!
BARB (holds MARY in her arms)
Calm down; everything okay.
BILL
Show me.
BILL pulls MARY away from BARB.
BILL (Cont’d)
Did you saw grasshoppers … talking?
BARB
Stop, Bill, let her be!
MARY (Cries and knells to the ground, holding her face in her hands)
I want to go home.
BILL (Picks MARY off the ground with both hands and shakes her)
Tell me what you saw! Tell me. Stop crying.
BARB
Bill, stop, let be alone.
MARY
I’ll … I’ll show you. I’ll show you where the ladder is.
MARY points with her hand.
BILL
They’re underground? … And they talk?
MARY
Yes. I show you.
BILL
Okay!
BILL allows her to fall to the ground as HE runs to the car and takes a coil of rope and a flashlight from the trunk. MARY leads BILL and BARB up the side of the hill to the small hole with the ladder.
BILL
Down there?
MARY
Yes! Down there.
BILL
I’m goin’ down.
BARB
Maybe we should get help.
BILL
Hell no!
MARY
You’re crazy! They’re monsters.
BILL
No! This is my big chance.
MARY
I shouldn’t have told me. See if I care if they eat you.
BARB
You’re a fool, think this through first.
BILL brushes the two girls off with a wave of disgust, then climbs into the hole. We see him descending slowly down the ladder … down, down, down. HE gets to the tunnel and begins crawling toward the light over the loft. When he gets to the loft he creeps forward to the edge, peers over. The Grasshoppers have left. BILL inches forward a little more. The flooring of the loft cracks and breaks as BILL falls to the floor below and lies unconscious. The Grasshoppers, having heard the noise, come rushing into the room and see BILL lying sprawled out on the floor by the table. The Grasshoppers hop about in a frenzied dance of consternation.
IRVING
It’s one of those people-creatures.
AUNT LULU
It’s so ugly I think I may throw up!
LOCKJAW
What are we going to do with it?
ZED
Is it dead?
DUFFY leans down and examines BILL.
DUFFY
No … it’s still breathing.
IRVING
Too bad.
POPPA FRED
If it wakes up, it’ll eat us. Run for the hills.
DUFFY
We’re in the hills.
POPPA FRED
Then run for the valleys!
IRVING
There’s a rope over there! It must have brought it. I say we tie it up until we decide what to do with it.
ZED
Yes. Tie it up before it attacks us.
DUFFY
All right – but don’t hurt it.
IRVING
Why should we hurt it? We ‘re not people-creatures. We’re civilized grasshoppers.
The GRASSHOPPERS scurry about, trying BILL’S feet and hands with the rope.
AUNT LULU
Cover its face! It’s so gruesome I can’t stand to look at it!
DUFFY
Now we must adjourn to the Sanctuary and decide what to do with it.
IRVING
If we let it go, it will tell other people-creatures about us
DUFFY
We can’t keep it. I don’t think people-creatures make good pets. Anyway, it’ll never stops eating, we’ll be spending all our time feeding it.
AUNT LULU
It may not even be housebroken.
ZED
Maybe we could train it to do tricks?
FLORABELLE
What about that idea?
AUNT LULU
Not every question deserves an answer.
POPPA FRED
Nope, nope! Those varmints can’t be trained to do nothin’ but lie, cheat, rob and kill! - the most dangerous creatures on earth. I know – I read books about ‘em.
AUNT LULU
Yes, their evil deeds carry a round trip ticket.
ZED
What does that mean?
DUFFY
They don’t have to be trained how to do those things. Treachery and greed seem to come naturally to them.
IRVING
As I see it, we have a problem. A big problem that is … BIG!
DUFFY
Great grasshoppers! We must leave for Mexico sooner then we planned. We can’t have to let it go. Everybody to the Sanctuary. We have some-heavy, heavy thinking to do.
The GRASSHOPPERS rush out of the rooms through a tunnel on the other side. A few seconds pass, then FLORABELLE creeps stealthily back in. SHE kneels down besides BILL, who is beginning to stir.
BILL
Where am I? What happened?
FLORABELLE
You’re in Grassalot
BILL’s eyes focus and HE sees FLORABELLE clearly for the first time.
BILL
You’re … you’re a grasshopper … and takes. Wow, a grasshopper.
FLORABELLE
I know that.
BILL
A giant talking grasshopper! I’m talking with a talking grasshopper.
FLORABELLE
Giggling.
I know that, too.
BILL
And I’m tied up! And my head hurts.
FLORABELLE
And you’re very ugly.
BILL
What! I’m ugly?
FLORABELLE
But I’m sure it’s not your fault.
BILL
I’m going to try to be rational and scientific about all this. The first thing I want to know, is this ‘cause I hit my head? Maybe a … a nightmare?
FLORABELLE
I don’t think so. And if it is, is it yours or mine?
BILL
How did you get so big? … How did you learn to talk?
FLORABELLE
Well, I’m not really very big. You see, my great-great grandfather was a katydid so I’m smaller than average.
BILL
You mean there are more like you?
FLORABELLE
Oh, yes. Twenty-eight more here in Grassalot, but there are eight-seven at our colony in Mexico. It’s called Grasselrancho.
BILL
I still don’t know how you got so much bigger than … than regular grasshoppers. And how did you learn to talk?
FLORABELLE
All I know is our ancestors were north of here and there was a big bang ---
BILL
A big “bang?”
FLORABELLE
A very big bang.
BILL
North of here … Nevada! An atomic explosion.
FLORABELLE
I don’t know what you call it, but they say it was a weird kind of bang and then our great-great grandparents began growing … and our growing and growing, getting bigger and bigger. … And so big they had to hide in this abandoned mine so you people-creatures couldn’t find them and eat them.
BILL
People-creatures? You mean humans?
FLORABELLE
Oh huh.
BILL
And you think people would eat you?
FLORABELLE
With chocolate syrup.
BILL
That’s totally ridiculous!
FLORABELLE
Yes, it is. I’m sure we wouldn’t
taste very good. Especially Poppa Fred. He’s very old. Anyway, we found a way to grow corn and stuff, down here and there’s lots of water so we live very well. But pretty soon we have to move to our Colony in Mexico because we’re afraid you people-creatures will discover us.
BILL
You have two legs!
FLORABELLE (Holding out her arms)
Four. These are legs, too.
BILL
Those are arms.
FLORABELLE
Huh uh. They’re legs that look like arms and have hands as the ends. Papa says we’re … let’s see, what does he call us? Oh, yes – mutations. We still have wings but we’re too
heavy to fly, so they’re just ornamental. Do you like my wings?
BILL
Beautiful. But how did you learn to talk?
FLORABELLE
Papa taught me.
BILL
And where did he learn?
FLORABELLE
From his papa.
BILL
But …
FLORABELLE
Grasshoppers have been talking for a long, long time. Maybe millions of years. We just keep it a kind of secret.
BILL
Amazing! Listen, why don’t know you untie me and let me go? I promise not to say anything to anyone about you.