The Air He Breathes

  “So each day, I grew jealous. Each day I wanted you to want me. I wanted your laughs, your smiles, you. I wanted you, Liz. So, I tried to rip Tristan and you apart. I know it was a shitty thing to do, and I know I cannot begin to ask for you to forgive me but…” He sighed and laced his fingers with mine. “I just love you so damn much and I’m not sure if my heart can take not having you.”

  His fingers were linked with mine, but instead of the warmth that Steven had always brought me, instead of the tenderness that Tristan supplied my way, I only felt coldness. Holding Tanner’s hand made me feel more alone than ever.

  “You deliberately broke us up,” I said flabbergasted. I dropped his hold on me and then ran my hands through my hair. “You literally interfered in my life, in my choices, because you love me?”

  “He’s not right for you.”

  I shook my head. “You don’t get to decide that.”

  “He would’ve hurt you. He’s a monster, I know he is. And look at what happened at the first sign of trouble, he disappeared. I wouldn’t leave you, Liz. I would fight for you.”

  “Maybe you should, though.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Maybe I should what? Maybe I should fight for you? I will, I promise you, I will.”

  “No.” I crossed my arms, standing tall. “Maybe you should leave.”

  “Lizzie…”

  “Don’t,” I hissed, my voice stinging his ears. “Don’t call me that. You’re insane if you think I would want anything to do with you. When you love someone, you don’t go out of your way to hurt them. When you truly love someone, you want their happiness more than your own. Tristan isn’t the monster, Tanner. You’re the one people should be worried about. You’re sick. Delusional. Now, leave me alone. Don’t come back to my house. If you see me in town, look the other way. Because I truly want nothing to do with you.”

  “You don’t mean that.” His body was shaking, and all the color drained from his face. I began to walk up my porch steps, still listening to his shouts. “You don’t mean that, Liz! You’re mad, but we’ll be okay. We’ll be okay, right?”

  Once my feet hit the inside of the house, I slammed the door, and leaned against it. My heart was pounding against my ribcage, and I continued to listen to Tanner yelling outside about how we would figure things out—how we would be okay.

  But we wouldn’t.

  The only way I would be okay was if I never saw his face again.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Tristan

  Weeks passed after I left Meadows Creek, followed by months. I spent most of my time in my parents’ backyard, chopping wood and carving into it. I built things with my hands because building felt like the only thing I had left of myself.

  When May came around, I was still thinking of Elizabeth. I was still missing Emma. I was still learning how to say goodbye to Jamie. I still wanted Charlie back. I hadn’t known it was possible to lose my world twice in such a short period of time.

  “Tristan,” Mom said, stepping onto her back porch. “You want to come in for dinner?”

  “Nah, I’m good.”

  She frowned. “Okay.”

  My hand rested against the axe in my grip, and I lowered my head. “Actually, I think I’ll eat.”

  The level of excitement that overtook her almost made me smile. Even though I knew I wasn’t anywhere near hungry, the joy it brought to her made me want to stuff my face. Mom had been through so much since the accident. I couldn’t imagine the amount of blame she probably placed on herself, the number of daily struggles she dealt with from knowing she had been behind the steering wheel, and I hadn’t made it any easier for her.

  The least I could do was sit down and have dinner with her and Dad.

  “Are you thinking of selling the house in Meadows Creek?” Dad asked.

  “I don’t know. Probably. I’ll start all of that stuff next week or something.”

  “If you need any help, let me know. I don’t know much about selling a house, but I can Google better than most people my age,” he joked.

  I laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  When I glanced up, I saw Mom staring my way with that same frown she’d worn outside. I shifted in my seat. “Dinner’s great,” I said, complimenting her skills.

  She kept looking sad. “Thanks.”

  “What’s wrong?” I questioned, rubbing the back of my neck.

  “You’re just… What happened to you? You seem so heartbroken.”

  “I’m okay.”

  “You’re not.”

  Dad cleared his throat and gave Mom a stern look. “Come on, Mary. Give him time.”

  “I know, I know. It’s just, I’m a mother, and the worst feeling in the world is knowing your child is hurting and you can’t fix that hurt.”

  I reached out across the table and gripped her hand in mine. “I’m not okay. But I’ll get there.”

  “Promise?” she asked.

  “Promise.”

  I hadn’t stopped by the cemetery since I’d returned to town. I spent a few too many hours in my car, trying my best to figure out what I was supposed to do with my life. How I was supposed to move forward. When I found myself sitting parked in front of the cemetery, I felt my stomach tighten into knots. It took everything in me to get out of the car and walk.

  I hadn’t been there since the burial. Standing in front of Jamie’s and Charlie’s tombstones made my eyes fill with tears as I lay flowers against them.

  “Hey, you guys. Sorry I haven’t visited. Truth is I was trying my best to run from you, because I didn’t know how to live without you. I abandoned you and went searching for a replacement. For someone who didn’t even exist, because I couldn’t imagine not having a family anymore. I couldn’t imagine living in a world where you both weren’t. I don’t know how to do this without you. I don’t know how to exist…so just tell me what to do. Please. I’m so fucking lost. I don’t think I can do this without you.” My heart pounded against my chest as I slid down to the ground, finally allowing myself to feel the loss of Jamie and Charlie. They were my world. Charlie was my heart, and Jamie was my soul, and I’d let them down by turning away from them both. By not mourning their memory the way they deserved. “Please wake me up. Wake me up. Wake me up and tell me I’m stronger than I think I am. Wake me up and tell me my heart isn’t breaking anymore.”

  I stayed with them until the sun began to set. My arms were wrapped around my kneecaps, and I stayed still, staring at the words on the stones. Missing people, missing the ones who knew you better than you knew yourself left emptiness inside of you. I tried to fill that emptiness, but maybe it was supposed to be left hollow inside my heart.

  Each day, I felt the hurt, the memories. Each day, they both crossed my mind; I guessed that was the blessing behind the broken heart.

  “If I could tell you a secret, Jamie, I would tell you that I still love her. I would tell you that Elizabeth is something good and right in the world. I would tell you she’s the reason I started to breathe again. So what am I supposed to do? How do I start to move on from her knowing that she can’t be mine? I just wish…” I cleared my throat, uncertain what I was wishing for. Answers to the unasked questions, I supposed. “I just wish I knew you would be okay with this. I wish I knew it was okay for me to fall in love again.” As I stood up to leave, I kissed my lips twice and placed my fingers against the gray tombstones.

  Right before I turned to leave, a small white feather came floating down from above and landed against my arm. A wave of comfort washed over me as I nodded. “I’ll be okay. I’ll be good,” I muttered, knowing that it was a kiss from my loved ones. I knew I would be okay one day, because it was obvious that I wasn’t alone.

  “What are you looking at?” Mom asked me one afternoon as I sat at the dining room table Dad had made her for Christmas a few years before.

  I held on to the picture Emma had taken of Elizabeth and me with the white feathers many months before. I’d looked at it every day sin
ce I left. “Nothing.”

  “Let me see,” she said, sitting beside me. I passed her the picture and heard a slight gasp fall from her lips. “That’s her.”

  “That’s who?”

  “Kevin!” she shouted, calling Dad into the room. “Kevin! Come here!”

  He hurried into the room. “Yeah?”

  She passed the picture to Dad, and he narrowed his eyes as Mom began to explain. “The day of the accident, that’s the girl. I was falling apart in the waiting room while Jamie and Charlie both went into surgery. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and this woman walked up to me and held me. She stayed with me the whole time, keeping me from falling apart, telling me it would be okay.”

  “That’s her?” I asked, pointing to the picture. “Are you sure?”

  She nodded. “I know without a doubt in my mind. That’s her. When Jamie and Charlie came out of surgery, I didn’t know what to do, who to check on first…so she sat with Jamie while I sat beside Charlie.” She looked at me with confusion in her stare. “Why do you have a picture with her?”

  I took the picture back from Dad and stared at a smiling Elizabeth, trying to get a grip on what was happening. She stayed by Jamie’s side. “I don’t know.”

  Chapter Forty

  Elizabeth

  Goodbye

  “No,” I whispered, standing in the waiting room as a doctor stood in front of me.

  “I’m so sorry. He didn’t make it out of surgery. We did everything we could to stop the bleeding, but we were unable to…” His lips kept moving, but I couldn’t hear him anymore. My world had just been stolen from me, and my legs gave out as I lowered myself to sit in the closest chair.

  “No,” I murmured again, covering my face with the palms of my hands.

  How could he be gone so fast? How could he leave me here alone?

  Steven, no…

  Before the surgery, I held his hand. I told him I loved him. I kissed him one last time.

  How could you be gone?

  The doctor walked away after telling me how sorry he was, but I didn’t care. Kathy and Lincoln showed up a few moments later, and their hearts shattered right along with mine. We stayed at the hospital for the longest time, until Lincoln said we had to leave, we had to start planning.

  “I’ll meet you back at your house,” I said. “God. Emma’s at Faye’s house. Do you think you can pick her up?”

  “Where are you going?” Kathy asked me.

  “I’m just going to stay here for a little longer.”

  She frowned. “Honey.”

  “No, really, I’m fine. I’ll be over soon. Can you just…can you wait to tell her?”

  Kathy and Lincoln agreed.

  I stayed for hours in that waiting room, unsure what I was waiting for. It seemed that everyone in the waiting room was doing exactly that: waiting for an answer, waiting for a prayer, waiting for hope.

  In the corner was an older woman crying her eyes out, completely alone, and I couldn’t help but feel drawn to her. Her body was bruised, battered, as if she had just walked away from an ungodly event. Yet the pain in her stormy blue eyes was what haunted me the most. I shouldn’t have stepped into her world of waiting, but I did. I held her, and she didn’t push me away. I held her, and we fell apart together.

  After some time, a nurse informed the woman that her grandson and her daughter-in-law were both out of surgery, but in critical condition. “You can see them. You can sit in their rooms, but they won’t be responsive. Just so you know. But you can hold their hands.”

  “How do I…” her voice shook and tears fell. “How do I choose who to see first? How do I…?”

  “I’ll sit with one of them until you can,” I offered. “I’ll hold their hand.”

  She sent me to sit with her daughter-in-law. When I entered the room, a chill raced through me. The poor woman was drained of all of her color. She was almost a living ghost. I pulled up a chair beside her and took her hand into mine.

  “Hi,” I whispered. “This is weird and I’m not even sure what to say. But, well, I’m Elizabeth. I met your mother-in-law and she’s super worried about you. So I need you to fight. She said your husband is on his way back from a trip, worried sick. So I need you to just keep fighting. I know it has to be hard, but keep going.” Tears fell from my eyes as I stared at the stranger who seemed so familiar to my heart. I thought about how broken I would’ve been if I didn’t get to at least hold Steven’s hand before he passed away. “Your husband is going to need you to be strong.” I leaned close to her ear and whispered, hoping my words would find her soul. “We have to make sure your husband’s okay. We have to make sure he gets to hold you. We have to make sure he can say he loves you. You can’t let go yet. Keep. Fighting.”

  I felt her fingers squeeze against mine, and my stare moved to our hands.

  “Ma’am?” a voice said. I turned to the door to see a nurse staring my way. “Are you family?”

  “No. I just…”

  “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

  I nodded once.

  And I let go of her hand.

  “He keeps leaving these Post-It notes.” I sighed, sitting on the seesaw with Faye as Emma played on the monkey bars and went down the slide. “Every now and then I find a Post-It on my window, and I just don’t know what to think about the messages. He says he still loves me and wants me, but then…nothing. I don’t know what to think.”

  “He’s playing mind games, and that’s not cool. I just don’t understand why he would do some crap like that to you. Do you think he’s just being rude? Like, getting back at you for not telling him about the accident?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “He wouldn’t do that.”

  “It’s been months, Liz. He hasn’t called once. He hasn’t reached out except for some random pieces of paper every now and then. That’s not normal.”

  “There never was anything normal about Tristan and me.”

  She pushed the seesaw down and looked up at me. “Maybe it’s time to find a new normal, then. You deserve a normal life.”

  I didn’t reply, but thought maybe she was right.

  I just wished the Post-Its didn’t bring me so much comfort that he might come back to me one day.

  ***

  I just need time to figure things out. I’ll be back soon. I love you. –TC

  ***

  Wait for me. –TC

  ***

  Everyone was wrong about us. Just please wait for me. –TC

  ***

  “You have purple stuff on your lips, Sam,” I said as I walked into the café for my shift. He was quick to run his hands over his mouth as I watched his cheeks redden. For the past few weeks, Matty had started tossing Sam into the kitchen for the lunch service to learn to cook the café’s menu. He seemed so happy finally doing something he loved, and it turned out he was pretty amazing at it.

  “Thanks,” he said, lifting up a stack of plates to take back to the dish room. As he walked through the door, Faye walked out, and they did an awkward tango of who-gets-to-step-out-of-the-way-first.

  When Faye saw me, she shouted my way, greeting me. I smirked. “Nice purple lipstick you have on, friend.”

  She smiled. “Thanks! I just bought it.”

  “I swear I’ve seen it before.”

  “Nope.” She shook her head. “I just got it last night.”

  “No, I mean, I think I’ve seen it like, five seconds ago on Sam’s lips.”

  Her face flushed, and she twiddled her fingers together, rushing over to me. “Oh my gosh, shit! Creepy Sam wears the same lipstick as me? I need to find myself a new color.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “You’re so full of crap. So tell me.”

  “Tell you what?”

  “Your nickname for his you-know-what.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Oh my gosh, Liz. We are almost thirty. Do you think we can not act like five-year-olds for one day?” The seriousness in her voice as she walked over to the counter t
o get a customer a cheese Danish made me wonder if she was truly growing up—until she shouted across the room, “Supersized Sam!”

  I burst out laughing. “And to think, these past few months you convinced me that Sam was a creep.”

  “Oh, he is. He’s a total creep. Like, he did this really creepy thing last night,” she explained, pulling out a chair at an empty table and sitting. I was still completely confused how she managed to keep her job at that place.

  “What did he do?” I asked, sitting across from her. If you can’t beat them, join them.

  “Well, for starters, he’s always asking me how I’m doing, which is just weird. It’s almost as if he wants to know about me.”

  “Dude. Okay, that’s totally weirdo territory,” I mocked.

  “Right! And then! Last night, he came over to my place, and I asked him which room he wanted to bang in, and he was all like, ‘No, I want to take you out somewhere fancy.’ Like, what? And then after dinner and drinks, he walked me up to my porch, kissed my cheek, and said he would love to take me out some other time! He didn’t even try to meet my vagina last night.”

  “WHAT A CREEP!”

  “I KNOW!” She paused, glancing back at the kitchen where Sam was getting started on the griddle. A tiny smile played on her lips before she turned back to me. “He’s not that creepy, I guess.”